Friends with Benefits gone wrong or right?

[fls1126a]

Hey Everyone,

 

Maybe someone who has experienced this can provide me with a logical explanation.

 

I got out of an on and off 3 year relationship late 2016 and was out of state most of 2017 on orders. The time away was great as it allowed me to date out my traditional pool and was quite frankly a lot of fun.

 

Earlier this year I returned home and randomly fell into a friends with benefits situation with a long time friend. There had been some flirting and attraction previously but either I had a GF or she had BF so nothing every materialized other that being part of the same drinking group. As I returned home, she had just gotten out of a 3 year live in relationship and was in her words, a hot mess.

 

Having not been with someone for some time, and already knowing her for a while we fell into a friends with benefits situation. She would sleep over at least one night every weekend and quite frankly we both enjoyed the companionship. We had agreed to be completely honest and it was working out great.

 

A few weeks in, over a drunken night, she decided she wanted to be exclusive with me. Having noticed she was still a bit of a mess, I told her that we should keep things casual. The conversation was reiterated sober a couple days later in which we agreed to take things slow. A couple weeks after, I noticed she was burning the candle at both ends. Drinking every night, and doing things out of her norm (missing work, partying excessivlely etc.). Frankly, I began to worry for her. I approached her and told her I couldn't do it anymore. I cared deeply about her and would be either all in (relationship) or not at all. After a heart to heart we decided to part ways. She insisted on friendship, she wanted her confidant, but quite frankly I could not giver her that. She didn't like that and a couple weeks later shut me out.

 

Fast forward six months to now. We began to speak once again at a mutual friends birthday party. The bond was rekindled as if we never stopped speaking. She keeps insisting on wanting to come over and has mentioned she has moved on from her break up. While I am still attracted to her, I do not see a relationship with her. She let me down and that's not something I can easily forget.

 

Has anyone experienced this? What happened to make her change her mind?

[Art Anderson]

If you allow her back into your space because she asked, what lesson does that teach her? She can easily have you back for fun when she wants.

 

If she doesn't get turned down on the first try, she won't figure out that the drinking and being reckless have to stop - seriously. You've been out of touch. You don't really know if she's cleaned up her act permanently or just caught you at a convenient phase of her life.

 

Let's see her demonstrate in a platonic arrangement that she's a different person who could attract you if you met for the first time without the baggage and longing to rekindle a romance that's possibly going to mess up your judgment.

[Simple Logic]

Neither of you appears to know what you want.

[central]

I haven't experienced this, but you are a known quantity, so it's easier to approach you, rather than someone unknown. Whether this works for you or not, is the question - and it seems that you are pretty clear that it does not. You can still be kind and let her down gently, unless she doesn't get it that this isn't going to work as she may hope.

[kamani]

Neither of you appears to know what you want.

 

I agree with this.

 

Are you interested in her more than an FWB?

 

Does she want to pursue a relationship with you now?

 

Do you guys meet in day to day life such as work? As someone else said, cut the benefits part and see where things go.

[d0nnivain]

You rejected her. Then she sought comfort through alcohol & partying. She claims to be done with that now & it may have been just as phase but you see her differently & do not want a relationship with her. Because you only want friendship & she wants more, do not slide back to having sex. Keep it light, infrequent & casual as friends only, the way you were before you started having sex.

[Malin889]

I’m confused:

1. You were out of the state “on orders”? What does that mean?

2. After a few weeks, She asked you to be exclusive. You said you wanted to keep it casual.

3. A few days later you two talked about your situation again, and you said you would either be all in (a relationship) or not at all. What does not at all mean? Just Friendship? (“She wanted her confidante”) Or not even friendship?

4. Then you say she let you down- how did she let you down?

 

To me it seems she was upset that she asked you to be exclusive and you said no. But then I don’t understand how you then said a few days later that you wanted a relationship or nothing at all. I think she’s as confused as I am!