I fell for a friend and colleague, but her behavior confuses and hurts me so much

[FGF111]

Well, this is a long story, but i'd appreciate it if anyone can offer some advice.

 

 

 

 

So i first met this girl at work about a year ago, she just joined the company i have been working for (I have been there for about 6 months when she joined).

 

For basically 8 months we didn't really pay attention to each with only a few words here and there. Then around four months ago, we started seeing each other more during work and naturally started talking more and more as well. We also soon realized we actually stayed in basically the same area, so we saw each other and chatted pretty often on the way to work and when going back home. We started to form a friendship.

 

Around 3 months ago, she started opening up to me more, about her personal life, her interests and her struggles in her earlier life. We also started touching each other more and more (All platonic, on the shoulder, arms, asking to feel her hands if they are cold). Around this time, i made my first mistake, i took these things as a sign that she was interested in/attracted to me. Totally ignoring other contrary signs, such as body language and her general behavior.

 

The mistakes just get worse from here, I soon told her through text, that i see her as more than a friend. Didn't end well (Obviously), she called me back saying that she sees me as a good friend, but nothing more. I met her again a few days later and talked about what happened. I told her i still want to remain friends and that i will move on.

 

I really tried to move on, but i couldn't. Over the next month or so, she got closer to me as a friend and i felt so caught in the middle. It was so painful, I couldn't have the emotional connection i wanted and this abnormal relationship was really hurting me a lot, but at the same time, i couldn't bear to suddenly hurt her and tell her that i can't be friends anymore.

 

So i stuck around, one part of me hoped that maybe she may change her mind, while another part of me enjoyed the closeness we shared, even though i was in a lot of emotional distress about not having the relationship i actually want. Eventually over around the past month, i felt myself began to change back to normal, i became more confident, more self-assured, wittier, i started thinking less about her and the pain dulled slowly. We were still close, but i felt at this point i was finally beginning to move on.

 

 

 

 

THAT IS up until about a week ago, when things suddenly changed, out of nowhere.

 

-she started touching me alot more and more intimately (like ALOT, she even asked to feel my ribs and my beard)

 

-her body language changed and became very open when i was near her (No crossed legs/arms she turns her body towards me).

 

-She actually started trying to start conversations with me (keep in mind, she is extremely reserved, so this was way out of character for her)

 

-She asked me to feel her ankles, knees (Some injuries) she even put her leg on me once while sitting side by side, so i started massaging her leg and she didn't pull away or show discomfort. I also massaged her back a few times when she was sitting beside me and she always likes it.

 

-She lets me playfully touch her thigh, knees, putting my arms around her and tickling her by holding her waist. She responds by giggling and tickling me back.

 

-She gets very giggly and playful when i tell her that her hair and perfume smell nice (She even took her hair once and asked me to smell it) She also has a similar reaction when i compliment her eyes.

 

-She started to intentionally try to spend more time around me, she even recently waited for me after work so we could go back home together (WAY out of character for her, she usually runs home as soon as she can). It was on this trip back home where we touched and played the most together, we teased each other all the way back and she kept provoking reactions from me, laughing at all the tickling and touching i did as "payback".

 

Keep in mind, all of that happened suddenly within a period of one week.

 

I felt like at this point, for some reason, she actually started feeling attracted to me. So yesterday i told her i wanted to meet her on Monday or Tuesday in the evening and spend some time together, she responded saying she was too busy on Monday running errands.

 

As for Tuesday, she told me that she isn't sure if she will be free. However, after just a few minutes, she then told me that she accepted a request from our office asking her to come in early on Wednesday, so she can't go out on Tuesday evening because she need to rest early. I was quite hurt and very confused, she actively chose to go to work early instead of spending the evening with me.

 

 

 

 

What do i do now? pretend like that never happened? Did i misread her interest again? Is she just playing with me because she knows i have feelings for her? Do i try to move on again and remain friends? Or should i just remove her from my life? I'm just so confused and hurting so much...

[preraph]

She said no to going out with you, so that's your answer. I mean, even if you have to get up early doesn't prevent you from having an early dinner.

 

I think she sensed you were finally over her and more comfortable and then she made the mistake of thinking she could really relax with you, which made you think she was attracted. Admittedly, this shows very poor judgment on her part. There is even the dark possibility that she enjoys the validation from you that she is attractive and felt that slipping away and just decided to yank your chain.

 

FGF, you don't want to end up with a person who is strictly lukewarm toward you. If her attraction was going to build, it would have done much sooner. You don't always want to feel like you're with someone who was never really attracted to you. At some point, you'll have to let her go.

[FGF111]

Thank you preraph.

But what do i do now? She often confides in me that she has difficulty keeping friends and she doesnt have much family support either.

 

I dont wanna remove myself and hurt her, or even for her to think that im trying to hurt her intentionally out of spite. But i also dont think i can bear to try and move on again slowly while remaining her friend.

 

I hate that it seems so black and white, i either remain her friend and keep hurting myself, or totally remove her from my life and potentially hurt her instead.

[preraph]

I wouldn't worry too much about hurting her. You have your own hurt to deal with. I think the way to end it would be to tell her, This is a hard decision, but I need to move on because I like you more than for just a friend and I feel I can't move on if we're still seeing each other. I tried to just be cool and get over it, but then there were times it seemed like you might be interested back, so I asked you out, but you said no. So I just think it's time to move on. No hard feelings. Maybe someday when we've both found someone and settled down we can resume the friendship. You can write it to her if you feel you can't do it in person. These days, everyone does it all different ways.

 

This gives her an opportunity to speak up if she actually has changed her mind about going out with you and was just caught by surprise or something. Thing is, though, when a woman is really interested, they will say yes and put those other things on the back burner rather than risking making someone mad.

[FGF111]

Well, i did it. We went for coffee and i talked to her near her home afterwards. Basically i asked if she felt anything for me and she said no. I then told her i can't be her friend anymore because it hurts me and i need to try and move on properly.

 

But now is the real hard part, beginning the process of moving on. She was absolutely gutted too, i feel so horrible doing this to her, she may not feel attracted to me, but she certainly saw me as a very close friend. I took that away from her and its all my fault.

[preraph]

It's sad when that happens, but it's also inevitable. I'm glad you got it over with. I had a good friend for three years who was married and when something happened between him and his wife and they decided to divorce, he turned to me. It was a terrible time. I had had a bad breakup and was working with the guy after the breakup and just really not in a good place for a relationship. It was because I was so kind of turned around and not thinking right that I let this divorcing guy talk me into trying a relationship with him. It never felt right, but logic told me to at least try (I'll listen to my gut from now on). So bottom line, that ended our friendship. We were kind of acquaintances for awhile but even that turned bitter on his end eventually. Ruined a great friendship, I felt.