Best friend starts ignoring me...am I expecting too much?

[tom1991]

Hi all,

 

I feel really sad right now, but I am not sure how to handle the situation.

 

Last year, I met an old female friend I havent seen for years and we immediately clicked. We met like daily, did things together, wrote a lot, talked a lot and so on. Time went by I started to get attached to her and started to have feelings. She didnt feel the same way even though she kinda treated me like a "boyfriend" without getting romantic so it was very awkward for some time but we kept on meeting and talking as if nothing happened. My feelings never changed, but I didnt want to lose her since at that point I felt like we were best friends, had so much in common and usually always a great time. So I tried to ignore my feelings for her and just treat her as a friend.

 

I think I knew that it was not healthy because I wasnt really able to date other women at that point and I knew that. But I got so attached to her that I didnt care and probably thought somewhere deep in my heart that she will realize how good we fit as a couple. During last year, she had a lot of issues and I was obviously always there for her. Always tried to help her out, always comforted her, she even dated a guy and I didnt care and was there for her when it didnt work out and she broke up with him. She didnt have many close friends and I was by far her closest friend at that point.

 

But about two weeks ago she started to behave differently. She is starting to write less or nothing at all, ignore me and when we write, I get the feeling that its a bit forced. When I asked her if everything is alright, she just wrote that her life is perfect right now - without going much into details. I guess she met a guy and is putting time into it - which is perfectly fine for me, because I knew that this day would come. I am also dating another girl right now, so its not an issue. But even when she had her boyfriend and I was dating other girls, we still had a very strong connection and talked/did a lot - like best friends. But this time it feels different, I genuinely feel as if she lost interest in me because she is happy now. And this is what is bothering me a lot - I dont expect her to spend as much time with me as before, but I feel like I owe at least more appreciation for everything I done for her. I dont want to have the feeling as if I was used and just her "comfort best buddy" when life was bad and now I am nobody. I really care for her and want to keep contact to her, but it feels to me as if she doesnt feel this way anymore.

 

I didnt really talk to her about that but she obviously knows that something is not right but doesnt seem to care. I am giving her the space she needs but I dont feel like she still wants to "invest" in our friendship much anymore. She only talked to me when she had a fight with a friend of hers and needed to vent, but that was it. Didnt mention him or anything else and then she continued not writing again. Some weeks ago we wrote daily, even if it was just small talk, now we barely write every other day. So I want to know - am I too attached and should give her more space or is she behaving ungrateful? Should I expect more from her or do you think that this is perfectly normal?

Edited August 20, 2018 by tom1991

[d0nnivain]

I think you are a better friend to her then she is to you. Dial your participation & availability back. See if she comes around. Otherwise just reach out to say happy Birthday or happy holidays but don't rely on her.

[preraph]

Maybe she's trying to spare your feelings by telling you about a new boyfriend. But it might not even be that. She might just realize you still want more. I know anytime I've discovered that and it doesn't change, I am very uncomfortable with the situation, and for good reason. Number one you know the other person is suffereing. Number two, it's going to get in the way of your relationships. If you keep up the contact while you're seeing someone, it's going to destroy trust. If you don't, you have a hurt friend, like now. I think maybe she just decided it had gone on long enough and knows you need to peel it back to a more casual occasional friendship. And really, I think that's best.

Keep dating other women. There's no future with her.

[tom1991]

I think you are a better friend to her then she is to you. Dial your participation & availability back. See if she comes around. Otherwise just reach out to say happy Birthday or happy holidays but don't rely on her.

 

Thank you. Well as things seem this is probably what is going to happen anyway.. Hurts a lot but thats probably the best idea.

 

Maybe she's trying to spare your feelings by telling you about a new boyfriend. But it might not even be that. She might just realize you still want more. I know anytime I've discovered that and it doesn't change, I am very uncomfortable with the situation, and for good reason. Number one you know the other person is suffereing. Number two, it's going to get in the way of your relationships. If you keep up the contact while you're seeing someone, it's going to destroy trust. If you don't, you have a hurt friend, like now. I think maybe she just decided it had gone on long enough and knows you need to peel it back to a more casual occasional friendship. And really, I think that's best.

Keep dating other women. There's no future with her.

 

Last year, I would have agreed 100% with you. She knew I wanted more and I knew it - we still tried to be best friends and it somehow worked. I think the real "test" was when she had a boyfriend for like half a year. It was cool between us and I think we were able to trust each other. Even during that time, she entrusted me with everything in her life, even the most personal things. So I felt like we had a really good basis of trust in our friendship. I knew it would never been the regular platonic friendship you sometimes have, for that we had way too much contact. But I feel a bit disappointed that she didnt just tell me that she had a new boyfriend and instead bit by bit reduced contact herself to let me feel as if I was nothing worth anymore. I definitely would have accepted her having a boyfriend as I did last time - it would have hurt way less than just getting the feeling as if you are "dumped" as a friend she doesnt need anymore. I guess I am stuck in this thing where you invest a lot in a friendship but dont want to realize that you wont get something in return anymore, even as less as appreciation for being there when she needed you.

[preraph]

There aren't many boyfriends who would put up with it. Maybe that one did and this one has expressed that he has trust issues coming into the relationship already or something like that. Or maybe she just decided it has gone on at that level long enough.

[kamani]

To me it looks like you had an emotional affair, she was not as invested as you. May be she used you as an ego feed.

 

How long have you had feelings for her? You will feel hurt now, but this is a disguised blessing. She finally did the right thing which she would have done much earlier. Continue to be friends with her will only hurt you and waste your time. She is not ready to have a relationship with you.

 

This friendship is not healthy for either of you. As you want her as a girlfriend, you will be automatically comparing all the girls you date with her. And they will not meet your standards as her. My advice is to cut her off completely. Don't waste a single day of your youth for someone unavailable, you could waste years on her and regret later.

 

When you withdraw she might want to be close again. Don't take it unless her relationship is over and she clearly signals she wants you as boyfriend.

 

Everything happens for good. You are fine. Try to move on.

[tom1991]

Thank you both. You are probably right, in the end it might be for the better. Nothing really changed in the last days, she is still very ignoring, so I am going to withdraw completely since it just feels terrible to continue talking to someone who obviously doesnt want you in his life anymore.

 

I wish I would have done it earlier but I guess I was way too emotionally invested to cut off. Instead I was the idiot who still continued to be her replacement boyfriend when she needed me and then cut me off when she didnt need me anymore.

[preraph]

Sorry. It's always disappointing to lose a friend. It happens to a lot of people when their friends have families and marry. It becomes too much trouble to try to keep it going and some have jealous spouses.

[Malin889]

Thank you both. You are probably right, in the end it might be for the better. Nothing really changed in the last days, she is still very ignoring, so I am going to withdraw completely since it just feels terrible to continue talking to someone who obviously doesnt want you in his life anymore.

 

I wish I would have done it earlier but I guess I was way too emotionally invested to cut off. Instead I was the idiot who still continued to be her replacement boyfriend when she needed me and then cut me off when she didnt need me anymore.

 

When you say she has been ignoring you,have you been reaching out to her? Do you know for sure she has a boyfriend? If this has been only going on for 2 weeks, then it's probably nothing. In the grand scheme of things, 2 weeks is not a long time. There probably is something going on with her other than a boyfriend. Did you ask her?

[tom1991]

Sorry. It's always disappointing to lose a friend. It happens to a lot of people when their friends have families and marry. It becomes too much trouble to try to keep it going and some have jealous spouses.

 

 

That is very true. I suppose, if I have to be honest to myself, that it´s not just losing a friend to a relationship but rather losing my best friend, I have a crush on, to a relationship. I always dreamt on having a relationship where my girlfriend is also my best friend, but that never happened. Now there is this woman I share a bond with like no else with, yet she doesnt feel the same. Sometimes life is not fair, but I cant force anyone to have the same feelings as me so I need to learn to let go I guess. It´s probably always going to be a bit "dirty" when there are one-sided feelings in a strong friendship and suddenly you grow apart from each other due to a new partner or something else.

 

When you say she has been ignoring you,have you been reaching out to her? Do you know for sure she has a boyfriend? If this has been only going on for 2 weeks, then it's probably nothing. In the grand scheme of things, 2 weeks is not a long time. There probably is something going on with her other than a boyfriend. Did you ask her?

 

I am not sure if she has a boyfriend, I only know that at the same time she started to distance herself from me she met someone she kinda liked. I tried to talk to her, but she apologized and said that she is super busy right now and doesnt have much time. Then I asked her if there is something going on in her life that makes her so busy and she just said "not really, just busy". Unless she didnt tell me something, I know it shouldnt be work related (her work is super easy at the moment) or some family/friend/whatever drama since she is feeling great. She is also super active on social media and most of the time online when I tried to write with her. To me, it would be a very big coincidence that its not related to the new guy since we literally talked everday before she mentioned him and then she suddenly stopped writing me.

 

Now I didnt really want to sound jealous or overly attached which is why I didnt ask for details or confront her why she is so cold to me. I really dont want to pressure anyone to talk to me and it kinda feels weird to me to talk out why she isnt interested into me anymore, because usually I would also just let go when someone is treating me bad, so why do I care so much here? I just really dont know if this sadness I am feeling right is caused by a good friend not talking to me or my crush talking to me, you know?

 

So currently, after having initiated most conversations in the past weeks where all felt like an interview where I was asking stuff and she just replied without asking anything back, I stopped writing her completely and it doesnt seem like she cares. When I really felt bad last week and had to go to the doctor (I never go to the doctor unless its kinda serious and she knows it), I mentioned it in one of our very short talks and afterwards she didnt even ask if everything is alright or how my appointment went but continued to post instagram stories on how happy she is. Now, I wouldnt expect from most people to check on me, I am not that attention seeking, but I do expect it from my best friend and some weeks ago, she would have asked three times a day if I was alright when I felt sick.

 

I could go on with more examples, but I feel like it doesnt matter since obviously something is going on and she didnt want me to know or doesnt want me be part of it. Unless I am completely on the wrong foot, I am pretty sure that its a guy and all of this is so unneccessary to me because I thought we were clear on our friendship, but maybe all of this is reason enough for me to distance myself and move on to not waste energy on a person that just "used" me when she had issues and was single and appartently is in a good spot right now and doesnt need me as a "best friend"/ "replacement boyfriend".

[preraph]

Sorry. Sounds like this is someone you need to just let go. Usually if something is going to be romantic, it more or less starts out that way. Once a woman knows you carry a torch for her and that she is never no way going to want that, it becomes very uncomfortable for her and she often feels betrayed as well and can be angry. I was when it happened to me. First, I was angry he'd go after his best friend's ex for ethical reasons. Then I was angry he misled me into a comfortable friendship that was just a ruse. I felt manipulated. So be aware it's not as simple as "she's not interested." She also feels all those other things.

 

Next time, you have to learn to date someone instead of be friends and make a move as soon as you start dating. It's just the way it is. Better luck next time.

[tom1991]

Thank you for taking the time to answer me..

 

Once a woman knows you carry a torch for her and that she is never no way going to want that, it becomes very uncomfortable for her and she often feels betrayed as well and can be angry. I was when it happened to me. First, I was angry he'd go after his best friend's ex for ethical reasons. Then I was angry he misled me into a comfortable friendship that was just a ruse. I felt manipulated. So be aware it's not as simple as "she's not interested." She also feels all those other things.

 

I just wonder why she stuck to me in the first place when she might have been angry or felt betrayed. You know, I really never made a secret out of liking her and even when she had a friend, I didnt treat her any different than before (in the sense that I didnt just start being cold or distant but treated her the same way I treat my male best friend). I wanted even to proof to her that I wasnt just "nice" to her because I had feelings but that I really cared about her. Before she broke up, she was even close to a proposal and I tried my best to be happy for her and even helped her fix her relationship when they were close to breaking up before they really broke up. I was so deep in a friendzone that I knew there was no way getting out again. And it seems like she enjoyed my company since she often asked me out or wanted to meet or talk for hours and sent me pictures that said "I am so glad to have you in my life" or "you complete my life" and things like that and didnt give me the impression that she was uncomfortable until the point where her priorities shifted to another guy some weeks ago and she was probably sure enough to be in a spot where she could cut me off completely. You are probably right, she probably knew that this wasnt going to work with a "best friend" that loves you and a real partner so she ended it in her way instead of just telling me the truth and at least try to remain in a good standing.

 

But I really dont want to sound whiney, I guess I put way too much effort in a friendship where the other person obviously didnt want to do the same and just "used" the friendship for what it is. She wont feel any remorse in just cutting me off as I was just a regular friend to hers and nothing more whilst I talked myself in having a soulmate when deep in my heart I knew that this was probably just a friendship of convenience. And I guess the result would have been the same either way with both cutting off anyway.

 

Next time, you have to learn to date someone instead of be friends and make a move as soon as you start dating. It's just the way it is. Better luck next time.

 

Thank you, I presume that I have to be more consequential as well. Truth be told, I was never in a situation before where a failed date became a friend much even less my "best friend" so I hope this is something I will never experience again.

[preraph]

Well, you say she was almost engaged recently. I'm thinking maybe she didn't want to do anything at all that would jeopardize that going forward. And if you helped her with some issues about him, she might have been stupid enough to TELL him that and put his antennae up, so it might not be she dislikes you, only that she felt she was jeopardizing her relationship -- which is true. Most guys would have been threatened if they knew she and you were close and even more so if she told them you liked her more than just a friend. And you'd be surprised what people will spew to their bfs and gfs! One of my exes I later worked in the same office with for years told his second wife we used to date and she created drama from that point forward.

[tom1991]

Well I didnt think about it this way, but I guess you are right. I dont even think that her "ex to be fiance" knew about me. But maybe she told her "new" boyfriend/romance/whatever about me and he didnt like us being so close so she had to decide how to deal with the situation and cut me off to not jeopardize her new relationship. In any case, I have to respect that and whatever happens with her new relationship, even if it doesnt work out, there is no way for me to go back to how it was, feels like a waste and I want to put my time in a woman that has interest in me and doesnt see me as a comfort buddy. She willingly burnt a bridge to not jeopardize her relationship and I accept that. I would move mountains for close friends if I had to, but I will never be mistreated and then crawl back if someone needs me after he willingly cut me off. It´s very hard to accept the truth, but we are all adults and I have to find a way to deal with it, even if I currently feel the same "****iness" as if I just broke up with someone in a relationship.

[preraph]

That thing she said about her "life is perfect right now" kind of suggests the same type thing. That, plus some people just dump their poor friends as soon as they get a man or woman, which I really think is stupid. So could be a little of both.