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Why Do Guys Act Mean Once They Know You Like Them

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 20th February 2018, 3:36 AM   #1
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Why Do Guys Act Mean Once They Know You Like Them

Can anyone tell me why guys start acting weird after they know you are interested in them romantically? Even if it seemed like they were attracted to you before? I'm trying to get a friendship back to being platonic and cool, before any romantic feelings were involved, but am really hurt that this friend is not only acting distant now, but almost mean.

The situation in a nutshell is, we're both taken, but indulged in a kiss one drunken night (he made the first move). I immediately texted the next day to say I can't be involved in something like this, that I'm falling for him harder than I should be, but still hope to be friends. He was really warm and receptive at the time, and said everything is ok. We even went out for lunch a couple days later without any weirdness. Since then, it's been silent on his end, when he used to text multiple times daily. He recently sent out a group text, but acknowledged everyone else's reply but mine. He also made a comment that seemed like he might have been belittling me, but I might be projecting my insecurities onto the situation.

I feel used. Like the only reason we were friends was because there was, for him, sexual potential with us. I thought our friendship meant more than that--that he was a genuinely nice person who enjoyed my company. I feel like I've been pretty mature in my interactions with him, and haven't been untoward in any way since that regrettable night.

Why is he acting so weird? Can I show him I can indeed move on and salvage the friendship? Or is this a lost cause? Also, why do guys freak out so much over things like this? Would talking make things weirder? I'm just so confused over this, because I don't make friends easily, and it's looking like I'm losing someone I really cared about. How to proceed?
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Old 20th February 2018, 3:41 AM   #2
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Your friendship crossed a boundary and he put the brakes on: it's not rocket science. The only reasonable approach to fix this is to pull away. Perfectly understandable and reasonable. And frankly, I think most people with any morals whatsoever would freak out when they make a mistake like the two of you did. It's not a "guy" thing, it's a decent person thing.

When a guy is someone else's boyfriend, it's not appropriate for him to be a close friend of another woman. Casual friend, yes. But texting numerous times a day? No way. That's totally crossing the line. Heck, I'm female and don't even text this often with my best female friend.
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Old 20th February 2018, 5:37 PM   #3
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You can't go backwards as if it never happened. Let it go. Let him go. He doesn't want to ride this see-saw.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
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Old 20th February 2018, 5:49 PM   #4
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Once you accept that all men are in it for the sex, it gets easier. It can be fun. Since you're both committed to other people, you can accept that nothing sexual or romantic will authentically happen (don't have to of course, plenty of people have affairs) and simply be alive, remembering that men, save for the incest prohibition generally, interact with women as sexual objects at some level. For some people, their behavior gets odd when that occurs. They get mean. They get funny. They get sad. Whatever. I liken it to being eight years old again and, in this case the eight year old got rejected.
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Old 20th February 2018, 8:33 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Cinnamon1 View Post
Since then, it's been silent on his end, when he used to text multiple times daily.
It is possible that he is only acting in the best interest of his current relationship. NOT that he necessarily spoke with his partner, (but he may have); but that he realizes within himself that it is not in the highest interest of his own current relationship to maintain too close of contact with you.

It is NOT that he used you, or took you and his relationship with you for granted, or anything like that. (You have excellent instincts to recognize that these thoughts and feelings are most likely just your own projections onto the situation.)

As a woman, I do not have the experience that men are (only) in it for the sex. In my very many decades of very many different types of experiences with the opposite gender, this is just not something that can be said for the majority of men -- perhaps a small segment of them, yes, but these ones are now being outed very, I will do what I can to uphold the decency and good intentions of men on the whole (and, of course, also of women on the whole.) 'Weirdness' is not gender based, in my opinion and experience.

In so far as what you can do practically, to proceed; it's not so much external as internal - keep trying to see his perspective from within his current situation. He hasn't really done anything wrong or negative/hostile against you.
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter
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Old 21st February 2018, 6:34 AM   #6
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Thanks, everyone. I guess I'm still just confused as to why he would be this distant after reacting so well when we talked the next day. He seemed genuinely into hanging out still, even sending me some funny texts, and the day after (when we had lunch), everything seemed fine.

I get setting boundaries in a situation like this, but to be honest, I actually have the sense that he actively dislikes me now. I'm trying to see his actions as objectively as possible, but I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, and I'm usually pretty good at knowing when someone is upset with me. I made a self-deprecating joke in a group text the other day, and his response was kind of...contemptuous. Basically, he took my remark a step further, and it didn't sound like a joke. It was weird, because he's usually really supportive and sweet, and now he seems almost resentful.

I get that this friendship is over, but I just want to understand why someone would act this cold after talking things over and seeming cool, considering we have had no other interactions since, so nothing has stimulated the change.

Also, I'm involved in an artistic project with this guy. I really want to keep it up regardless of how the friendship turns out, especially since other people are involved, but the awkwardness is making me reconsider. Should I cut my losses and leave? Sorry for the long post. I have no idea what to do next.
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Old 21st February 2018, 7:07 AM   #7
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I really miss my friend

Hey guys. I don't know what to do. I really miss someone. I'm a straight female, he's a straight male, and we were really good friends before we made out one regrettable night. I say regrettable, not because it didn't feel good, but because we're both in relationships and now he's acting distant and cold toward me.

I feel guilty, foolish, and wholly unlovable. I get that we screwed up. It still doesn't alleviate the pain of losing someone I used to spend so much time with. It hurts and I'm not sure how to move forward with our new dynamic. We're in artistic projects together and I feel so embarrassed in his presence that I'm considering leaving, to the detriment of the others involved. Should I talk to him, even though he's majorly withdrawing? Should I tell him I miss him and want things to go back to how they were? Should I start no contact? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 21st February 2018, 7:35 AM   #8
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Don't talk to him in the manner you described and don't go No Contact either. Just be plesant while also giving him some space. Allow him to come back when he's cooled off a bit. It may take a while, but I'm sure that he will go back to the project with you. Just not as tight as you were before. And not being as tight will be a good thing.
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Old 21st February 2018, 9:13 AM   #9
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In another thread you said you are married yet desperately in love with this other guy. That makes any friendship with him totally inappropriate. Let it go, move on.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 10:18 AM   #10
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You seem so much more bothered about this friendship than your relationship and your bf who you cheated on. Why is that?

You said you need to step back because you are developing feelings for him, you cleared the air and now he is stepping back. Which you are getting miffed over. Maybe he's respecting your space, maybe he's recommitting to his gf that he cheated on. It sucks when friendships end, especially when you like the person (in any way), but your friendship with him no longer exists. You crossed a boundary that cannot be uncrossed. I'm not saying you can't collaborate on these projects together, but you can't have this close friendship any more. Way before the kiss, you crossed boundaries. Texting every day? Really?

I think you should be civil and polite with this guy until the awkwardness passes if you need to keep seeing him. Focus your energy and attention on your relationship and whether you even want to still be in it. You cheated but you don't seem bothered or to care what your bf thinks of it all.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 10:34 AM   #11
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Yeah, something smells fishy here.

Your attachment to this guy is troubling particularly since you're supposedly in a relationship.

You both crossed a line, he pulled back and now is keeping things cool which sounds pretty normal to me. You can't expect things to go back to how things were before, do you? If so, that's very naive thinking.

And I agree with carhill that men are in it for the sex. That's just how many of them operate. Friendships may blossom between men and women but that doesn't mean sex isn't on their mind or that they'll decline the opportunity if presented to them.

I think you're being very naive and need to let this go and him too and focus on your existing relationship instead. The time and energy you're giving to this guy should be spent on your current partner otherwise why are you with your man in the first place?

I strongly recommend that you do some serious reflection on why this is bothering you as much as it is and why you're working so hard to win him back.
"Stupid is as stupid does" - Forrest Gump.
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