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More than FWB but he wants commitment


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 3rd February 2018, 8:10 PM   #1
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More than FWB but he wants commitment

I have been a lurker on these forums for years. This is my first post.

I am 48 years old and spent seven years with a man who I fell in love with very quickly. Our relationship progressed and despite red flags about his issues with trust and jealousy I put my blinders on and fell head over heels in love with him.

It did not take very long for me to realize that in order to keep him I would need to change who I was. I expended so much energy on being the person I thought he needed me to be in order for him to feel trusting and loved. Due to my self-esteem disorders I allowed many many horrible things to occur within our relationship and dulled out the pain as much as possible with drugs and alcohol. The relationship has ended and we are no longer in contact but I just wanted to give you a little backstory on where I am coming from. Also worth noting, within months of our break up my drinking resorted to completely normal levels and I dont so much as smoke marijuana anymore. I have naturally reverted back to the person I was before I met him in many ways but not all.

I have spent over three years in therapy getting to know myself again, becoming my true authentic self.

Approximately two years ago I met a man who I had known through Facebook for several years but we were never anything more than friends while I was in my relationship. After things ended he became interested in me and we met. I told him that I was very attracted to him as a man both physically and intellectually and I would like to get to know him better but that I was no condition to offer myself up to him emotionally. We completely conected sexually. He is a beautiful man, he is very accepting of my physical flaws and he makes me feel very comfortable sexually. He makes me feel trusted, secure and worthy of love. He has done things for me sexually that I only read about in books and never thought I would ever experience. I value him as a sex partner and as a friend very very much. Even though three years have gone by since my mockery of a relationship with my ex ended I am no closer to wanting to attach to my friends with benefits partner at an emotional level. I can see that I am breaking his heart. I can see that he tries very hard to accept and understand my needs but eventually he always comes back with a proposal of us becoming a committed couple. My friends think I am crazy not to take him up on the offer. He is successful and while he is 10 years older than I am he keeps up with me sexually and then some. He is incredibly intelligent and that has always been one of my biggest turn ons. I have gone as far as to encourage him to go out with other women so that he realizes that I am completely serious when I say that I am not interested in anything more than what we have. He tells me that he has already found the woman that he wants and has no interest in seeing others.

I feel that I should be moving on and should be learning to trust that there are good men out there. But there is still a huge part of my heart that is dead inside and I really do not know how to move past it. Even therapy has not really helped me in this area. I am at a loss. If he did find another woman and broke things off with me I know that it would really hurt. Why am I doing this? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you
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Old 3rd February 2018, 8:28 PM   #2
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what did you IC say?

the ex really did a number on you.

If you will be upset if he moves on, time to think about that with your IC.

are your friends really good friends that tell you to grab on? they know you and your FWB so much better than anyone here.

I would listen to my friends if they really care about you.

But if you talk to your IC and can't give him what he wants, are you strong enough to stop all contact with your FWB?

Sounds like there are worse guys out there. will you find someone better?
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Old 4th February 2018, 1:03 AM   #3
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How do you feel about this man? It sounds to me like you have the makings of love but you're afraid of being hurt again so you shut the possibility of more out. You sound emotionally unavailable to me--for anyone. I have a feeling if you could allow yourself to be vulnerable again and open your heart that you could be happy with this man.
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Old 4th February 2018, 5:50 AM   #4
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Old 4th February 2018, 7:23 AM   #5
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You know...

You know... I get where you are coming from.

But here is the deal, if this guy has not shown any red flags to you so far, and it has been three years, that is a pretty long test run.

There is nothing that says that you have to have a relationship, and you don't have to.

But then again, he may not wait forever, and you really don't want him to. And you recognize how hurt you would be to lose him. That sounds like you already have some type of relationship and you would rather not admit it to yourself.

You don't have to do anything, but at some point you have to put yourself out there and see what happens.

It is a tough situation...
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Old 4th February 2018, 3:54 PM   #6
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Thanks for your input, folks. I think that I am afraid of losing myself again. I do agree that I need to take some chances and not be so afraid. I have my own business and I dont really need a man to take care of me and because of my past history I worry that I will get my heart broken if I give it away. Thanks again for your thoughts and for letting me share my story.
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