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Meeting friends and dating when depressed?

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 27th January 2018, 1:05 PM   #1
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Meeting friends and dating when depressed?

This guy I used to "date" (it was more of a friends with benefits type of relationship) contacted me again after several months of no contact. We had an affair for about half a year and then stayed in contact as just friends.

He texted me the other day asking if we can meet and that he would be happy to hear how my life is going. However, I'm at a really bad place in my life right now. I just finished university in December and am looking for a job. I became a little depressed in the last couple of weeks because my days don't have much structure and I'm not sure what to do with my life. Somehow I just don't want to meet him because I'm not doing so well... I just feel kind of like a loser, especially compared to him.

So how do I tell him that I don't want to meet him? Do I just not respond? Or say I don't have time? Or do I actually say the truth and tell him I'm not doing so well right now, but that I'd contact him once I'm in a better place?

I'm just sick of trying to keep up appearances... I worked part-time in finance (in a big bank) during my studies and realized this is not the path I see myself on long-term. My New Year's resolution was therefore to be more honest and authentic in the future. I just don't know how to handle these types of situations because I don't want to become someone who annoys people with their first world problems but at the same time I don't want to act like everything is okay either.
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Old 27th January 2018, 1:22 PM   #2
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Hey sina28,

Do you want to cancel because youíre not interested in seeing him or because youíre feeling down? If itís the latter, my suggestion would be to go meet him. I doubt youíre going to feel better by staying at home and more importantly youíll keep your word which will help you feel better.
Attraction is a reflex, not a choice.
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Old 27th January 2018, 1:50 PM   #3
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Well, just because right now you have nothing positive to talk about with him doesn't mean you can't have something good to talk about by the time you make plans.

When I had a super-long depression (10 years), the best thing I did for myself which helped remedy that problem is I volunteered in behavior and telemetry research at the zoo with ocelots once a week. It gave me something interesting to talk to my friends about during what was otherwise a very reclusive period of anger and depression.

So don't act like you have no control over your situation. All you have to do is get out there and do something interesting and then that will be your fun thing to talk to him about instead of saying you're doing nothing and being depressed and then mostly keep him talking about himself. Who knows? Seeing him might pick you up a bit. You're in full control of your life. Even during depression, you can find times to feed your pets and take care of necessary business, so you can definitely find time to either take a fun part-time job or volunteer at something that interests you and will be interesting to others. Maybe you foster pets and help at the adoption events, maybe you volunteer at the zoo, maybe you help dress less fortunate kids for prom, maybe you volunteer for the police or fire departments just helping with their community events. The list is endless. Simply google your town and "volunteer."

When your career is at a stalemate is the perfect time to foster new interests and learn something new. Good luck.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
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Old 29th January 2018, 8:21 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by sina28 View Post
My New Year's resolution was therefore to be more honest and authentic in the future.
There's your answer. Answer him honestly. Although if the "friend" part of FWB was/is really true, I don't think you comparing yourself to him and thinking you're a "loser" should be a reason not to see him.
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