LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Friends and Lovers

She wants space I give it to her and she wants my attention. I am perplexed


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Like Tree5Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12th December 2017, 2:34 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 112
Question She wants space I give it to her and she wants my attention. I am perplexed

Hello everybody,

I am so confused right now and need some pointers an tips. I have been best friends with a girl for about 6 months and just recently we started dating because everything felt right and fell into place.

During our 3 week relationship she was overwhelmed with life including our relationship. She said she has so much stress and anxiety right now and the relationship is not helping. We decided to split, and of course I was upset at it.

She told me she wants to feel what it is like to be single and she can't be in a relationship right now. She said everything was overwhelming including me and she just needed to fix her own problems and I also needed to fix mine.

Any human being would be upset so I was down in the dumps for awhile. Periodically she would like my photos on Instagram and message me on snap chat but no direct texts. I gave her that space because I knew she was overwhelmed and never initiated anything. She told me before the split, that she still wants me to be her best friend and later down the line maybe we can be together when I am okay.

I gave her the space for a little and she messaged me yesterday saying " I did not know friends don't talk to each other" This threw me off because I wanted to give her the space she needed but I guess she wanted my attention now. I am confused as hell! We talked after that with happy and fun conversation.

Today she messaged me again telling me she has my watch and she is going to hold onto it. We used to talk on the phone a ton so I transitioned into saying " Oh my day is extremely busy and hectic today can I call you tonight, and she said ya whenever you want".

All her friends said they know how she is and she comes back fast but she also gets overwhelmed easy. Everyone assured me it was not me that was the problem but the cluster of other stressful things in her life. She broke up with her ex in august who is abusive and is still messaging her some really rude things.

I am confused and do not know what to do from here. Obviously I would like a relationship with her sometime maybe even soon but I do not know how to maybe regain her attraction and bypass this phase she wants to be in, or should I just be patient? How do I text her to make her drawn to me, how do i talk on the phone with her, how do i make her want more and stick to me?

I am open to suggestions!

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th December 2017 at 9:56 AM.. Reason: language~T
andrewimecs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 2:43 PM   #2
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14,174
She told you what she wants, she wants to be your best friend again.
DO NOT read into it any more than that.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 2:45 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,821
When a woman asks you for space give her space the size of Texas. Start dating other women.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 3:05 PM   #4
Established Member
 
salparadise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 4,851
Quote:
Originally Posted by andrewimecs View Post
I am confused and do not know what to do from here. Obviously I would like a relationship with her sometime maybe even soon but I do not know how to maybe regain her attraction and bypass this phase she wants to be in, or should I just be patient? How do I text her to make her drawn to me, how do i talk on the phone with her, how do i make her want more and stick to me?
She's anxious-avoidant, and from what you posted it seems rather severe. You're hoping someone is going to give you the magic words that will turn her into someone different. That's not going to happen. It is what it is. What you're experiencing right now is the way it will be with her.

It's a one-way deal. She likes knowing that you're all moonstruck over her while she holds you at arms length and gives you nothing. What will make her want you is if you play that game better than she does (but that's not you). She loves the validation of knowing she has you on the string, and the safety of not having to reel it in.

You should just move on. Tell her thanks, but no thanks, on the friendship crap and go find yourself someone to date that doesn't have these issues. That's the only choice you have, other than continual frustration.
salparadise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 3:48 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
When a woman asks you for space give her space the size of Texas. Start dating other women.
I gave her the space and she came back to me and started talking to me.
andrewimecs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 3:50 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
She's anxious-avoidant, and from what you posted it seems rather severe. You're hoping someone is going to give you the magic words that will turn her into someone different. That's not going to happen. It is what it is. What you're experiencing right now is the way it will be with her.

It's a one-way deal. She likes knowing that you're all moonstruck over her while she holds you at arms length and gives you nothing. What will make her want you is if you play that game better than she does (but that's not you). She loves the validation of knowing she has you on the string, and the safety of not having to reel it in.

You should just move on. Tell her thanks, but no thanks, on the friendship crap and go find yourself someone to date that doesn't have these issues. That's the only choice you have, other than continual frustration.
See I would love to do that but we are in the same social circle lol. We see each other all the time and it can't be avoided. That is why i am wondering what to do now. She wants to be friends with me so bad and considered a relationship in the future. Obviously I am not going to wait for that opportunity and instead see other women but I just want to make sure there are possibilities of getting back together.
andrewimecs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 3:51 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
She told you what she wants, she wants to be your best friend again.
DO NOT read into it any more than that.
How about later down the line? Can things change relationship wise?
andrewimecs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 10:09 PM   #8
Established Member
 
salparadise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 4,851
Quote:
Originally Posted by andrewimecs View Post
See I would love to do that but we are in the same social circle lol. We see each other all the time and it can't be avoided. That is why i am wondering what to do now. She wants to be friends with me so bad and considered a relationship in the future. Obviously I am not going to wait for that opportunity and instead see other women but I just want to make sure there are possibilities of getting back together.
You don't have to be rude or anything. Just say thanks, but no thanks to the consolation friendship. She wants you as an orbiter. You want a relationship. She isn't capable. But you're smitten and you believe that playing Mr. Nice Guy, accepting crumbs, is going to get you somewhere. Nope.

I think you must be very young. Men learn to just move on from women like this. There's nothing for you there except misery.
salparadise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2017, 11:20 PM   #9
Established Member
 
todreaminblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: down under
Posts: 14,699
theres a difference between stress and being overwhelmed and wanting to be single...thats a tell .......stress and anxiety still will exist....single or in a relationship...telling a guy you want to be single.....i have never actually said this to any guy .....to me its contradictory to date someone and then say hey i want to be single....


i have however said to a guy im not ready to date yet when i thought i was ready...i knew i needed to do some work with my family and myself......i actually found that guy again after two or three years and dated him....didnt work out..he was wealthy for one and a clean freak...i felt messy next to him..and out of place....he also had a problem with personal space...like as in ignoring it.........anyhoo......i havent ever said to a guy i want to be single....i have said i need space but thats normally when their physical proximity is getting to me...i want them to step back ...not disappear or stop dating but give me time to get used to him in my space........maybe she meant that......

but

the single comment she made leads me to write this.....you cant be friends with this lady ...because your feelings for her will always leave you wanting more that she isnt willing to give.....i wish you luck...deb...
__________________
in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb
todreaminblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2017, 1:39 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
theres a difference between stress and being overwhelmed and wanting to be single...thats a tell .......stress and anxiety still will exist....single or in a relationship...telling a guy you want to be single.....i have never actually said this to any guy .....to me its contradictory to date someone and then say hey i want to be single....


i have however said to a guy im not ready to date yet when i thought i was ready...i knew i needed to do some work with my family and myself......i actually found that guy again after two or three years and dated him....didnt work out..he was wealthy for one and a clean freak...i felt messy next to him..and out of place....he also had a problem with personal space...like as in ignoring it.........anyhoo......i havent ever said to a guy i want to be single....i have said i need space but thats normally when their physical proximity is getting to me...i want them to step back ...not disappear or stop dating but give me time to get used to him in my space........maybe she meant that......

but

the single comment she made leads me to write this.....you cant be friends with this lady ...because your feelings for her will always leave you wanting more that she isnt willing to give.....i wish you luck...deb...
What if Inwas able to get over her then be friends with her. I almost see it as impossible to not be withbher friends somehow because we arenin the same social circle and if one of us leaves we all leave. It is really complicated but somehow I am trying to manage to get over her and be friends with her. Maybe in the future we can spark something up but for now I need to focus on myself!
andrewimecs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2017, 2:13 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Boston
Posts: 91
Do yourself a favor and act like she does not exist.

She is in your social circle, so when you are together in a group with her be cordial. Other than that don't bother with her...

Do not initiate any contact with her... Tell her you are not interested in just friends as you really like her and friends does not do it for you.

You need to move away from being emotionally attached to this woman and find someone who is not messed up.

Your happiness and quality of life is dependent on who you date and marry.
This woman will cause lots of grief in your life.
Juha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2017, 5:43 AM   #12
Established Member
 
todreaminblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: down under
Posts: 14,699
Quote:
Originally Posted by andrewimecs View Post
What if Inwas able to get over her then be friends with her. I almost see it as impossible to not be withbher friends somehow because we arenin the same social circle and if one of us leaves we all leave. It is really complicated but somehow I am trying to manage to get over her and be friends with her. Maybe in the future we can spark something up but for now I need to focus on myself!
i will not say it isnt possible ...because everything is possible even the impossible is possible.......but...you said it yourself you need to focus on you right now not working on a friendship that wont satisfy you..as another poster said keep it cordial as you move in the same circle......keep it light...in conversation... do keep your distance for a while...avoid alone time together..and in the future...god only knows what will be...and i wish you well....deb
todreaminblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2017, 9:30 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
i will not say it isnt possible ...because everything is possible even the impossible is possible.......but...you said it yourself you need to focus on you right now not working on a friendship that wont satisfy you..as another poster said keep it cordial as you move in the same circle......keep it light...in conversation... do keep your distance for a while...avoid alone time together..and in the future...god only knows what will be...and i wish you well....deb
Okay so I have a few questions then because you seem quite knowledgeable in terms of all this stuff. My plan after our split was to ignore her and basically apply the no contact rule. I did that for about 3 days and she ended up contacting me saying that line i mentioned before " I didn't know friends meant not talking to each other". It seems to me she wants the attention. She is currently in New York until Saturday and of course I am not going to message her but I know she will end up messaging me because she likes the attention I give her or misses me. What do I do in these situations? Clearly she still wants something and also to add to that we had an hour phone long phone conversation yesterday just like we used to when we were in the relationship about just randomness like always. I am so confused, and I can see her texting pattern is a bit different.

She is going out of her way to comment on my stuff on Instagram, like my posts, and really reach out to me. What do I do because deep down I am saying to myself, maybe there is hope but at the same time I can't have that expectation. I obviously have to move on for me and if things happen in the future so be it, but I don't know how to get our of this spiral. She obviously wants to instate contact with me a lot. It is her Brother's and Mother's birthday on Saturday after she comes back from New York. Should I wish anyone a happy birthday. See I don't know what to do and why i am so confused?
andrewimecs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2017, 9:52 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Boston
Posts: 91
Dude, there is nothing to be confused about here. You need to be a grown man here and talk with her on the phone and tell her that you really like her very much and that you really can't be friends with her as it does not work for you because of how much you like her and want to date her.

She knows you like her and is using that to keep you hooked so you give her attention so she feels good but does not like you enough to date. So you need to have that conversation with her and not be friends with her.

That's unless you like all the pain you are going to go through by doing this and being the "nice" guy friend. By doing that you will have zero chance at ever dating her. If you tell her you can't be her friend, maybe she will change her mind about you, maybe. At least you wont be torturing yourself by talking and spending time with her as just a friend, you do not want to put yourself through that, believe me.

I wish you luck
Juha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2017, 5:32 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 406
People like this can get people to hang on for YEARS. And all they get at the end of the day is a complex.

Next!
healing light is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
GF needs attention, but doesn't let me give it Ic1 Dating 6 18th December 2015 3:02 PM
It's hard for me to not give her the attention difficult_decisions Dating 1 7th June 2015 5:25 PM
How come women don't give me any attention? cognac In Search Of... 73 14th January 2010 4:18 PM
How much attention to give in LTRs? fundamental Dating 11 23rd January 2005 10:51 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:07 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.