AnnaMay Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 I am in a totally screwed up situation. Have been married for 15 years now with a 11yr old daughter. Our marriage is far from perfect. He is a sexual addict with the computer porn sites etc. and sees nothing wrong with it. He is one of those that do not think that he is one and doesn't think he needs to get over it. He is an executive, makes great money and is generally good to me except for this addiction with chatting with women etc.. I installed Spyware and just found out that he has been flirting with another married woman. I am so pssst....and my knee jerk reaction is to call this chick and say "what the hell?" I have realized that I need to stay in this marriage due to not wanting to disrupt my daughter's life and that I have cancer and am not cancer free until 3 more years. I work and make a good living but my long hours need his support with my daughter. Unfortunately, I am the pot calling the kettle black as I had an affair two years ago with someone that made me feel special, loved and important to him. My husband found out and we almost divorced but realized that we have a responsibility to our daughter. Just because the parents are screwed up should not mean that the child needs to be also. Our daughter has no idea that we do not get along as we fight after hours and do a very good job of pretending. When we don't go "there" we actually are OK. Why do I want to call this woman? I am trying to control something that is not controllable and I am angry and want to let this woman know that she is hurting someone's marriage. She has stated in her email's that she can't let her husband know that she is emailing back and forth like this also. I would love to call her and say stop the emailing with my husband or I will call your husband and let him know what you are doing? What sort of can of worms am I opening up if I do this? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Probably a can better left closed. Your marriage is one of convenience. Talk to your husband and make some firm agreements and commitments to the marriage outside of love and romance. You may even want to make a schedule to know when the right time to end the marriage will be. It's a horrible way to live and I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I understand you are doing it for your daughter and your health. Be as friendly as possible, but once you have clear guidelines it will be easier for you, and your husband, to live by them and not feel so emotional when either of you does or says something that would be outside the traditional bounds of marriage, but within your unique guidelines/boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 My husband is flirting with another woman, should I call her?. No, you should not. It is between you and your husband. When men fall there's always somebody standing ready to catch them. This is also true for women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnnaMay Posted March 10, 2005 Author Share Posted March 10, 2005 I feel so annoyed with myself to that I can't stop the snooping. I can't bring myself to uninstall the spyware. They always say you never find anything good when you look for it. It's just that somehow I feel like if I am "in the know" I can deal with his ways easier. I feel like I have one up on him as opposed to him thinking that he is safe and that I don't know a thing. What am I going to do with all this knowledge anyway? I have printed emails etc and am starting to look at myself as spending too much energy on someone who doesn't regard me the same way. I tell myself that it's for that day that I can throw all these emails in his face. I don't know if that day will ever come so why am I so obsessed with trying to be in the know. As it's certainly not making me feel better. Ignorance really is bliss in this case. I wish that he could be as sweet, flirty and fun with me but he finds it with strangers. How selfish is that? Thanks for the replies and this has been a good way to vent as I could never tell people about all this insanity and how I stay around for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Your marriage is a farce. I agree with Hokey. Stop snooping if it's only going to make you angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Why does it bother you so much? You're only staying married for the child. It doesn't seem that you two love each other and if you didn't have the child you wouldn't even be married. Why are you so bothered by the fact that a man you don't even want to be married with talks with women online? You don't have a marriage. You have a business arrangement. Honestly, if my husband was only staying with me for the kid, then I'd probably talk to people online myself. It's not like I'd have a husband. I'd just have a live in father. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetpea01 Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 You cheated on him - so then he cheated on you? Cheating isn't ever right - but could he be doing this out of anger/sadness/upset-ness - over the affair that you had originally? In that case, perhaps you and him should sit and talk about this, and get things out in the open. He almost divorced you, but he didn't. You almost divorced him, but you didn't. Maybe some part of both of you wants to be together? I had a bf that cheated, so I snooped and dug up all the dirty details. Emails, IM conversations, etc. I felt like knowing all the facts made me less of a fool. Eventually I confronted him with all of it, and he didn't throw the "why did you snoop" card at me. But at the end of the day, the details are irrelevant. This is worth talking out, to reach some conclusion or arrangement that suits the both of you. SP Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 There was a program that aired about Sex Addiction. Interestingly, the addict has all the symptoms of any regular addict ( drugs, alcoholic , gambler , ect ) The sex addict needs his or her * fix * and while they know its wrong and dangerous , they lose their ability to make the right choices. The 12 Step Program is used for the Sex Addict. The most interesting thing learned was * WHY * ? The psychologists say its from a lack of nurturning when the adult was a child. They seek * Intimacy * moreso than the sex itself. The * high * is given each time they have an intimate encounter moment with another person. Some will go to prostitutes or have wreckless sex in the park. But it all goes back to lacking the nurturing....just as Ericksons Theory Predicted : If you miss a crucial stage of development it can affect your Adult Life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 I have always felt that "sex addiction" is a term tossed around FAR too frequently by women that don't feel like putting out more than once or twice a month. Just because someone wants sex more than you and with different people doesn't neccesarily mean it's a sex addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
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