How do you keep someone in your heart (but not your life)?

[Lovezen_30]

Three months ago I terminated a decade long friendship because I had fallen in love with him and he had a girlfriend. When I told him my feelings, he was shocked to hear them. I was surprised that the idea seemed so crazy to him, as he had hinted on more than one occasion hinted that these feelings were reciprocared. But no matter - he is in a relationship and chooses to stay there. As a result, I told him I could not be friends with him anymore (which upset him, and me, a lot).

 

Since asking for advice I often hear "you have to harder your heart against him", "forget him", "he treated you badly and strung you along"...etc. Ultimately, none of it has helped me recover. I think this is partially because it is almost impossible to harden your heart against someone you love.

 

I think I have struggled to move on because I am reluctant to let go. To shed the skin of an old friendship that once upon a time, I treasured. It helped me grow in so many ways, and vice versa, but then we grew apart and changed. How do I let go and move on whilst keeping this person in my heart (and not be weighed down by emotions of anger & resentment?) I am eager to hear from people who have endured similar circumstances and come through it happily enough in the end.

[preraph]

Then you have to choose to cherish the good you got out of it but totally accept the reality of the situation that it didn't last.

[privategal]

You have to heal, accept, find new people and experiences and just keep in no contact.

It will always be hard.

My 15 year ld friendship was broken for the same reasons.

We tried to fix it...we could not.

Its dead.

Its been horrifically hard, sad, lonely and painful to go through the loss.

Its a hard reality and part of life.

You've gotta let time do its thing and keep going.

[Lovezen_30]

You have to heal, accept, find new people and experiences and just keep in no contact.

It will always be hard.

My 15 year ld friendship was broken for the same reasons.

We tried to fix it...we could not.

Its dead.

Its been horrifically hard, sad, lonely and painful to go through the loss.

Its a hard reality and part of life.

You've gotta let time do its thing and keep going.

 

Thank you both.

 

I have found myself grieving since ending the friendship. The raw emotions/deep sadness I have felt has been more similar to actual bereavements I have suffered...worse than any break up so far. I feel this is one of the most difficult things I have had to go through.

 

Now, I try to fill most nights with something. I am learning a language, have started dancing and swimming again, am putting more effort into nurturing current friendships. And as of next week...have finally accepted a date.

 

I am reluctant to let go of him - I don't want to live my life as though he never existed. He has been a huge part of it. It's sad and yet all I feel is love for him and a hope that he has a happy future. No matter how much people have urged me to feel anger towards his actions - I can't!

 

The last thing he said to me "this isn't the end of our friendship" & I asked him not to contact me. I can only assume he will respect that wish.

[Lovezen_30]

You have to heal, accept, find new people and experiences and just keep in no contact.

It will always be hard.

My 15 year ld friendship was broken for the same reasons.

We tried to fix it...we could not.

Its dead.

Its been horrifically hard, sad, lonely and painful to go through the loss.

Its a hard reality and part of life.

You've gotta let time do its thing and keep going.

 

By the way, privategal, do you mind me asking how far along you are since your friendship has been broken? I can't tell if it's recent or not.

[todreaminblue]

I dont know if harden your heart is the right way....it breeds resentment...i tried hardening my heart...it just made me unhappier..it made me miserable....because however much you deny your heart is aching ...the ache exists and needs healing......who wants a hard heart anyway...the more you use that defense mechanism the harder your heart becomes the longer it takes to heal.... honestly....and there's too much to love to go around with a hard heart.....

 

i think acceptance is key...healing is key...let yourself feel that heartache..recognise all the reasons why you loved him...remember the good times...and know you will have good times again..he isnt synonomous to good times that you had....you are also the reason why there were good times.you will have them again.......go through it...there is the other side to get too......it also helps if you think that there's a reason for everything a purpose for the disappointment, the heartache , the rejection you feel..it wasnt right for you this time.......there's someone out there waiting for someone just like you but maybe you just had to build that bridge first........a guy who is much better for you......different time, different place, different face and that guy hopefully will be single and waiting...for someone just like.....YOU....(SMILIN...i love that song).i wish you well....deb .......

Edited March 9, 2016 by todreaminblue

[Methodical]

You keep someone in your heart but not your life much the same way we keep loved ones who have passed in our hearts, yet they are no longer with us. Essentially, you have to go thru the grieving process since you are truly removing him from your life. Doesn't mean you hate him or no longer care (quite the opposite in your case), but for your own sanity and well-being you are making a conscious decision to move forward.

 

Long walks, getting involved in hobbies, spending quality time with friends, etc. helps stave off some of the depression you'll more than likely experience.

[Elwood]

I don't think hardening your heart is a good idea. Nor do I think you have to let go of him completely. I was recently dumped and she said she wanted to be "friends". That's not easy for me at the moment because I still love her but she eventually cut off all contact. In time I believe we could have been good friends. She just didn't give me time.

 

Give it time. Stay in contact but keep it limited. Hopefully in time you will be able to renew the friendship without those feelings of romantic love. If it becomes to hard and you can't let go of those romantic feelings then no contact would be an option.

[road]

You need to just go NC with this man.

 

 

NC means no way of any type of contact. Do not talk about him with common friends. If they mention him then you change the subject.

 

 

Do not look at his FB. Remove reminders of him from yours. Get rid of things he gave you. As you see all secondary ways of contact have to be closed down as well.

 

 

Then you let time do it's work. Time will make these memories fade.

 

 

The only thing you need to harden is your resolve to have NC 100%.

[privategal]

By the way, privategal, do you mind me asking how far along you are since your friendship has been broken? I can't tell if it's recent or not.

 

I guess it was technically over a year ago when he ghosted me after 14 years.

I reached out months later hoping to repair what had been lost.

That resulted in many months more of arguments, broken trust, both of us trying really hard to repair all the damage and in the end we decided the friendship was now toxic.

We went complete NC a little over a month ago finally.

The pain is and always will be brutal.

Its a daily funeral feeling Ive yet to heal from but am trying every minute of every day to just keep moving without him.

Weve been through this friendship breakup too many times now.

It becomes a huge mess as neither friend truly WANT to let go but holding on when its broken and both know its best to let go is also not good.

Its hard to walk away from someone you care deeply about.

You only want to fix it to fix the void, but in reality its better to let go and fill the void with new experiences somehow.

Sorry your hurting.

Fully understand your loss and pain.

It will be ok.

[RRM321]

I would only harden my heart with respect to someone who was hostile or toxic.

 

Emotions change. I've had crushes on people that faded quickly after we got better acquainted and I realized they would be a great friend but, not the ideal relationship I want.

 

He has a girlfriend he's happy with and whatever he might have felt for you has settled into a friendship for him. It's also possible that your own feelings for him are being artificially magnified because of his unavailability. He's really not special in the grand scheme of things save for your extraordinary mental effort to single him out.