update... still need

[littleraindrops]

This is a continuation of the thread "Why does this guy hate me?"...

 

I decided to post another entry because I am still having a hard time trying to get myself together. After the last reply, some things have happened. We talked, and I couldn't keep myself from growing more feelings . I know it sounds like an excuse, but it's been really difficult to not talk to him when we are working together. And I know some of you suggested that I should keep things professional and not contact him via texts, but that was too hard when we have already spent so much time together.

Believe it or not, we were doing okay for a few weeks. All of sudden he was inviting me to his friends' gatherings, and seemed like he cared about my happiness. For instance, even though he does not like Valentine's Day, he still came to have dinner with me and sent me presents.

Then after about a week, I found out that he was talking to someone on a dating site. I also found out that he's been talking to girls on that site periodically. It seemed like most of them lost interest after a few conversations though. At first, I thought it was no big deal, since I am on a dating site too, but I ignore all the messages and never send out the first messages myself. Recently I found out that he was even talking to someone while he was hanging out with me or talking to me one-on-one. It would usually go like this: he would say something to me, then I would respond, then he would respond, and check his messages, and then turn his head to me. I wasn't sure if I should bring it up or not, but it made me really upset and sad.

I was trying to be calm, but it affected me so much that I couldn't hide my expression. He noticed (of course, without knowing the reason), and also got upset, and I tried to talk to him about whether or not anything has changed (feelings-wise) since. He said no. He said he was content with what we are (what he calls "complicated") because he's getting what he wants. When I told him I wasn't happy, he told me to come up with a solution. I couldn't tell him we should stop because I still have feelings for him. After going back and forth about what to do, when he saw that there's no solution for me, he said he's annoyed and blocked me on fb messenger.

The next day, we did see each other at work, and he said we should stop this relationship. He doesn't even want me as a friend right now. He specifically said that he doesn't have time or energy for friends and he's only doing stuff with friends maybe once a month, and that he's stressed out and doesn't want to be social at all. Then I just lost my words. He does want to stop, so I guess that's a good thing? But he might stay here for another year, which makes things more difficult for me. I think I would have been okay if I didn't have to see him everyday, but I do, and I don't think I will be able to stand the pain when I find out he's going to be with someone else.

 

I had kept my hopes up of being together because he had told me at the beginning of our relationship that there is a chance that he might change. I feel like I was tricked into. He wants me to care about him less. There's someone he's been talking to regularly on that dating site. Is this a sign that he's trying to move on?

 

Why is life so unfair? I have a guy friend who wants to date me, but I don't feel anything for him. And I am like him to this guy.

 

I realized why I was so attached to his guy though. I have been in this new area for about 6 months now, and when I first moved here, my bf at the time and I had just broken up. I had no one to talk to, and was getting depressed day after day. I tried to find people to hang out with, and when this guy approached me, I was clearly vulnerable, but because I was so lonely I took the opportunity to have a company. Ever since then, I've made friends through him, did more things that what I would have done alone, and I think I just forgot how lonely I was. Until the time he said he wants to stop. Then everything went back to where things were. Being home all alone and having no friends. Yesterday when I went home, I felt like I was suffocating because I felt so lonely. I am scared to go home tonight and feel the same.

[PaperCrane]

You really poured yourself into this didn't you? Out into a desert of potential and left nothing for yourself to drink. I'm the same way, and it hurts. It hurts so much because you needed support but you also gave it and wanted it given back. He took advantage instead of just seeing what was there and prolonging it to get what he wanted until what he wanted ran out.

 

This is unfair because sometimes, for people that love in the way that we do, we are trying to love perfectly in an imperfect world.

 

You're not alone though, you just see the lack of what you want and it consumes your active mind. You'll have to focus on things to distract yourself as hard as that will be for the foreseeable future.

 

I'm going to digress a little, since you threw in a short snippet. Important enough to mention but you didn't elaborate much.

 

You mentioned you had someone who wanted to date you, however you felt a lack of 'feelings' for him. What makes you feel this way?

[preraph]

So what would this guy have to do to make you mad enough that you wouldn't want to have anything to do with him? I'm serious. Is there anything he could do that wouldn't leave you still wanting to text him?

 

He's having sex with you at this point only because you expect nothing from him in the way of care.

 

He's going anywhere with you only because you plan and pay for it, not because he wants to spend time with you particularly.

 

He is annoyed that you're doing all this chasing after him at work, and I don't blame him. It's inappropriate. You're not being discreet.

 

He is openly looking to date other women and wants you to know it so you can't possibly think he's really dating or wants a real relationship with you or cares.

 

He's finally blocked you because none of the usual insults that would run off any other woman have run you off. So even though he didn't want the drama to escalate to this level, this is what he has to do to try to discourage you.

 

And still you are focused on him as if you were in a relationship and trying to act like you're in a relationship, despite all his many ways of showing you and telling you that he does not want a relationship.

 

I feel sorry for you, yes, but it's nothing compared to how angry I am at you for not having more self-respect than that. Do you realize that letting guys treat you that way makes it harder on all of us, makes them think they don't have to put forth any effort whatever, not even common politeness, in order to get a woman? He hasn't hunted you down and then disrespected you. You have gone begging over and over again for any attention, good or bad, from this guy. He works with you, so there are limits to how far he can go to discourage you, and in that regard, you are showing no respect to him.

[littleraindrops]

I reread the entire conversation with him on fb last night and realized that he's never been that nice. He's actually more often been grumpy with me and upset with his surroundings. I had sent him a lot of messages like "do you want to do something?" and most of the time the answer was no. And most of the time the reason was, he didn't feel social or felt like he needed to entertain me.

Just by reading that conversation, as a third person, he/she would def say that he's not into me for a relationship. It's so clear that he we don't want the same thing, and he's really bitter and callous about it, and yet I'm still having a hard time detaching myself from him.

 

When I remind myself how selfish and unwilling he is to be there for me, I can finally see that it's better to let it go. However, I am trying to have some kind of a closure with him because last conservation we had was very one-sided from both of us.

 

To have this closure, I've been trying to find a time to talk to him in person, but he's now skipping work and avoiding me by telling me he MIGHT be free to talk "tomorrow". He's now a completely different person to me, and this dramatic change is unbearable. I almost want to leave this job. I'm trying to leave him alone, as preraph suggested. But I also strongly feel that I need to explain myself to him.

 

I've been having a lot of trouble eating and sleeping the last few days. I wish I didn't have any emotions.

[preraph]

I'm glad you're feeling like leaving, but as Arthur Fonzerelli once said , If you want to swim, don't sit on the beach.

 

He has already ended it. He didn't feel the need to get or give closure. You are hoping he will make excuses or offer something less than ending it. You both know why it needs to be over. He knows he hasn't done anything to merit having a woman stick around. You know he hasn't done anything to merit having a woman stick around. On top of that, he's very annoyed at you for demanding attention and you're both endangering your jobs.

 

Just stop. Go outside, take a deep breath, and say "It's over." Don't contact him at all unless it's totally necessary for work. Don't do anything except nod if you pass him at work. You are obligated to be polite, and that is all. If you cause a scene at work, the boss will likely have to do something about it. I think if you do have any good options, leaving is a good option for you. It's time to learn to just be polite and grownup and professional about it.

 

I would be looking for another job anyway because if the boss gets a whiff of any tension at work, one of you will be needing a new job anyway.

[littleraindrops]

I should stop even if I strongly feel the need to let him know why I felt like I was misled? We had made all these plans that will happen within the next few months, and we already made purchases separately. I'm wondering if I should ask him what I should do with those.

 

Thank you for giving me the reality check though. I'm trying not to think about him much. I'm nervous about going into work today.

Edited March 2, 2015 by littleraindrops

[preraph]

He's already told you he wants to stop the relationship. Go to whatever the ticketed events are alone or with someone else.