She won't let me go, but she won't take me!?

[brandonjh00]

First of all, I'm sure this going to be long one. I really want the best advice I can get so I want it all to be out there.

 

It all started towards the beginning of the year. I was recently divorced and out having a good time, and ran into a girl I hadn't seen in a little while out with her roommate enjoying the weekend. We all chatted and from that night on we all started going out a few nights a week, and I really became very close friends with both of them over the next few months. To a point where there weren't many days we went without seeing each other at some point.

 

So, out one night, late, with both of them we were having a blast, drank a little toooo much and went home. That night the roommate and I ended up sleeping together (without my other friend knowing) and it was simply crazy, I mean pictures of the wall, lamps knocked over crazy (and yes kinda tipsy) So, the next morning I leave early, and we never really talk about what happened for a long time. Almost pretended that it never happened.

 

So, before this happened, probably a few weeks prior she started kinda dating another guy, and of course after that night she kept seeing him. I dated someone for a little while, we remained very close friends, but friends and nothing else. Wellllll, about two months into her relationship with this other guy, he gets arrested, while she's at his house, because he failed to pay child support, on a child he never mentioned (lives in another state, he doesn't really know the child, idk? but he did know he was supposed to be paying) I guess I should point out that he is a 31 yr old bartender that plays video games on his days off and doesn't have a car, not to judge, but he has no ambition or future plans either. oh yeah, I'm 29, been teaching special ed. for 8 yrs, and work a second job screenprinting part-time for a fashion company in NY. and still working towards another degree. She's 22 (younger I know) but extremely down to earth and not what you'd expect from someone her age, diagnosed with and beat cancer a year prior, amazing girl. So anyways, he gets hauled off to jail for 3 months.

 

We started spending alot more time together, pretty much daily and within just a few days she asked if I would stay with her for a few days because she had to housesit for someone, didnt want to be alone, etc. of course i said yes and the next few nights we stayed there, alot of things happened at night, I'm going into detail but it was just amazing. From that point on, we started sleeping together a couple nights a week, oh, and we still kept everything from the roommate and our inner circle of friends, only a few people even knew. This went on for the next 3 months. During that time, I really fell for this girl, and she fell for me too, at least I think/thought. We took vacations, did the family thing, we were in every sense of the word dating, BUT still told ourselves that we were just friends.

 

Well, 3 months went by, and the old bf was getting out of jail. she did see the guy a few times over those months, and I never really asked about it, I didnt really think it was my business, she told me some things about the visits, but I never really pryed. so, he gets out and his friends all get together to celebrate his release (personally I think ppl like that shouldnt be celebrated, my opinion tho) But I reluctantly attend, mainly bc she "really" wanted me to be there with her. I was a little nervous bc I really didnt know what to expect/think, technically we were "only" friends and she was free to do whatever she wanted. BUT I know we both had very strong feeling for each other, and the "l" word was thrown around alot more than it should have been by both of us for it to really just be a friendship. I guess I should add that we talked about the dating thing and she pretty much said that she wanted to finish school (8 months) and get some things in her life together before she had any serious kind of relationship. I always agreed in the convos, saying I wasn't ready either (divorce,etc) OK, back to the party, she started to tell me alot of things that night about how much she loved me and how she's never looked at anyone like she does me, blah blah blah. then proceeds to leave about an hour later with the jail bf, wtf?

 

So, life goes on, I'm a little bitter for a while, but we were only friends, whatever. Over the next two months she keeps dating the guy, its not really going anywhere, but she's there every night, I see her a lot less, etc. the whole time, I'm having the hardessst time really getting over her. At some point, and I don't know when I really realized that I was truly in love with this girl, even though it felt like she passed me up for this lowlife. The weird thing I know she hasn't even told her family about the guy, yet takes me to family things from time to time (we maintain that we are friends to parents, they don't think we're dating)

 

Anyways as time passed, I took a trip with just her and things happened between us again, she said alot of things I wanted to hear again, but maintain the whole not ready for anything serious, BUT i never asked for serious! I only wanted to see what could become of it. she knew it was torture for me to watch her with someone else, it tore me up inside, but maybe I hid it too well. Well, like anyone else, even I have a breaking point and recently started dating other ppl again. Almost like a book, she starts calling more and coming around more once I start doing that and saying things she shouldnt to me (love ****, feelings, blah blah) and the more I pull away, the closer she comes, but is nowhere near willing to take a chance on me, and I put it out there several times as I'd just had enough.

 

So very recently she has seen me out with different girls, when she is out with her bf (and I'm for the most part friends with them both, but of course I hate the guy secretly) So, on two occasions she has started to cry just watching me having fun and enjoying myself with someone else. I really dont thinks she's crying just to get me to feel bad bc both times I had been in a separate area than she and didnt even notice until I walked past her and she tried to hide it. We dont really talk alot when we are both out with other ppl as its akward for both of us. Still, when we're alone, its amazing, most of the time we maintain boundaries, but still questionable.

 

My problem is I'm ready to start seeing someone more seriously, I'm tired of always being alone and wanting her to be there, when she knows very well I want that. In a perfect world, I would choose her, without a doubt, yes even after all that has happened and the choices she made, I just know it could really go somewhere someday. And I KNOW she does too, but not for another 6 months or whatever. I cant watch this crap go on for another 6 months and I'm not gonna date girls and purposefully feel disconnected bc I still love her, its not fair to them or me, and it hurts her apparently ( i think she totally ignores the fact the I get the same feeling too, for months now) One, I know I can't ever be just her friend, if I tried I would faking it all the time and always wanting more, even if she didnt, it would just be painful. And I cant get really serious with anyone else if I had those feelings.

 

so, what do I do? what would YOU do? do I distance myself? Give her one last chance? Give up? I just dont know what to do anymore. I am so completely in love with this girl and I struggling to get over her, and really every time I start to, she pulls me back in just enough to let me down again...does she know she's doing this? I don't know. I'm ready to share my life with someone as more than a friend. And it's fair to wait for her when she's going to see someone else? the whole situation is just so weird and messed up and I need any kind of advice from ppl that dont know me. all my friends think I'm crazy to even be stuck on someone like this, but I dont listen? HELP

[silic0ntoad]

Have you told her how you feel?

 

I would. I would tell her how I FEEL, not what I THINK. Major difference. Thought + Logic = jargon to females. Feelings + actions = everything.

 

In all honesty, I would tell her how I felt. I would feel better walking away knowing I laid it on the line and gave it a shot. If you think she's worth it, tell her. But don't wait. By now you both know each other well enough in all aspects to determine if exclusivity is an option.

 

If she says no, simply tell her you can't be her friend, and bounce. Never bother with it again, because those feelings will keep crawling back up on you.

[Boundary Problem]

Have you told her how you feel?

 

I would. I would tell her how I FEEL, not what I THINK. Major difference. Thought + Logic = jargon to females. Feelings + actions = everything.

 

In all honesty, I would tell her how I felt. I would feel better walking away knowing I laid it on the line and gave it a shot. If you think she's worth it, tell her. But don't wait. By now you both know each other well enough in all aspects to determine if exclusivity is an option.

 

If she says no, simply tell her you can't be her friend, and bounce. Never bother with it again, because those feelings will keep crawling back up on you.

 

 

I agree.

 

Women aren't mind readers. If she is crying, she is in pain.

[16thstreet]

My problem is I'm ready to start seeing someone more seriously, I'm tired of always being alone and wanting her to be there, when she knows very well I want that. In a perfect world, I would choose her, without a doubt, yes even after all that has happened and the choices she made, I just know it could really go somewhere someday. And I KNOW she does too, but not for another 6 months or whatever. I cant watch this crap go on for another 6 months and I'm not gonna date girls and purposefully feel disconnected bc I still love her, its not fair to them or me, and it hurts her apparently ( i think she totally ignores the fact the I get the same feeling too, for months now) One, I know I can't ever be just her friend, if I tried I would faking it all the time and always wanting more, even if she didnt, it would just be painful. And I cant get really serious with anyone else if I had those feelings.

 

so, what do I do? what would YOU do? do I distance myself? Give her one last chance? Give up?

 

I agree with the others here. Tell her what you feel and lay it on the line and then be at peace about it, either way it goes. But, if it doesn't go the way it should in a perfect world, make sure you let yourself get over her before trying to get serious with someone else (sounds like you get that). It is frustrating to a woman to know that someone she's trying to get involved with is still a little hung up, especially when he hides it. At least, I've been frustrated by that in the past. Good luck!

[jerseyboy]

Just out of curiousity

 

No advice, you seem mature enough to know what you have to do.

 

But what am I missing here. She cant be with you because she doesnt want a relationship or anything too serious at this time, but she has a bf?

 

Am I the only one who that doesnt make sense to?

 

Or rather it makes sense, but you seem other wise too bright to miss the obvious.

[VeveCakes]

Ya exactly what I was thinking.

 

This girl is playing you like a fiddle, she has two boyfriends pretty much, endless attention and company.

 

If she wanted to be with you she would have forgotten about her dead beat boyfriend a long time ago. Drama seeker.....move on and save your brain, heart, and self respect.