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Im a girl, ive been in love with my bestfriend (girl) for 6 years ... what do i do?

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 3rd October 2009, 2:23 AM   #1
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Unhappy Im a girl, ive been in love with my bestfriend (girl) for 6 years ... what do i do?

Im 19 years old, female, in love with my female best friend, and have been for the past 6 years. The first day i met her i felt somthing different. I wasnt sure if i was gay but i had an idea, i'd had crushes on girls, but nothing ever as strong as my feelings for her.

We started out as training partners (we both run track) and saw each other regularly each week, i was shy back then and i kept my crush a secret, not really knowing what it was (i was only 14/15). My feelings only grew stronger for her as i got to know her more and we became better friends over the next 2-3 years.

Over the next coupel of years, we became really close, she was all i was looking for in not only a lover but a best friend. I contined to keep my feelings a secret, happy with the friendship and the hope of said friendship devoping into somthing more one day. We stayed best frineds for the next few years and as no developments in the friendship were made, my hope started to fade. And recently when she made some "homophobic statements" i confronted her about her feelings on same sex relationships, only for her to reveal she is really against them.

So the situation im in now is a hard one. I guess in a way i still do have hope of a relationship with her, i can't help it, im drawn to her, and i know that as long as we are best friends my feelings will probly not change. I love having her as a friend, but it hurts me everytime i am around her, im never content with life because im always wanting more from her.

Should i tell her how i feel, and risk ruining the friendship? If she accepts it and our friendship grows, i think i would be able to handle her not wanting more, as long as i wasnt having to keep my feelings bottled up inside. If she rejects my feelings, and i lose our friendship, i dont know how i would feel, i cant really imagine life iwhtout her, shes pretty much my only good friend, im really not sure what to do. If shes out of my life it would be alot easier to get over her, but i dont know if i want her out of my life. Its so confusing, i dont know what to do, but i know that somthings gotta give, i dont think i can go on like this much longer.

What would you do in my situation?
Please help me.
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Old 3rd October 2009, 3:39 AM   #2
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Hi fallingshort.

First of all, let me say that I can empathize with your situation. When I was 14 I fell for my lesbian friend who was 18 and dating a girl I was also friends with. I had a really bad falling-out with my father, and this girl was the first person I felt I could really trust (except for my mother) after the situation occurred. At the time, she convinced me that all men were no better than my father, and that lesbianism was the only satisfying solution to my trust issues regarding men.

To make a long story short, I thought I was in love with her for a number of years--at least 5. She knew how I felt, and she said she felt the same way, but used me more than once during those 5 years--though, thinking back on all of her relationships, she uses everyone. Finally, I got out of the "friendship," reevaluated my life, and came to the realization that I am not a lesbian and that this girl manipulated and used me when I was at my most vulnerable.

I am relating this to you, because I think you should get out of this friendship. I think you're just going to get your heart broken. I'm sure this girl isn't stupid--one usually knows when someone likes them in more than a "friendly" way. Does she date? I'm assuming you haven't dated anyone since the two of you have been friends? Knowing how she feels about homosexual relationships, if you tell her how you feel: prepare for all of her friendly love for you to turn into morbid disgust. Of course, this is the worst case scenario, but you ought to prepare for it.

If, however, she says that she's not romantically interested in you, but that she's fine with you being a lesbian: be weary. It is possible that she will just use your feelings for her against you, ultimately emotionally using you.

Now, again, I am just sketching out worse-case scenarios that you ought to be prepared for. It is possible that you'll tell her, that she'll feel the same way, and that the two of you will live happily ever after. If she's truly your friend, but doesn't feel the same way: she will accept you for who you are and remain your friend. Just know that remaining friends with her, whether you tell her or not, will be extremely difficult for you--friendships with unrequited love are not often happy ones.

Only you know the depth of your friendship and your friend well enough to make an educated-guess as to how she'll respond. Just evaluate the situation, don't act rashly, and do whatever you feel is best. Be honest with yourself and try not to act based upon romantic delusions of grandeur.

Good luck and let us know what you decide to do!

Last edited by always_searching; 3rd October 2009 at 3:48 AM..
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Old 3rd October 2009, 10:03 AM   #3
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it's not gonna work.
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Old 3rd October 2009, 10:26 AM   #4
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OP, unrequited love can be devastating, whether you're gay or straight. I fell in love with a woman in college, that I knew I was never going to have, and it hurt most because she valued me as a friend. For your own peace of mind, You should tell her, to get it off your chest. But more importantly, you need to get out and develope more friendships with other people, and even to find other people to love. Who knows, you might find another woman, or even a man, for that matter, who will fill the emptiness inside you. With more people, forming a support group, you would not be as anxious about your relationship with your friend, as you are now. Good Luck
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Old 4th October 2009, 6:14 PM   #5
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I think the OP should tell her friend that she is in love with her because at least you will know the truth. You got tell her how you feel or else you will just keep on wondering forever. You don't want that right? You don't want to wait forever and then she falls for someone else. I think you should tell her how you feel everything will be out in the open. If she's into you that's great and if she's not then you will have to examine whether or not you can honestly be her friend. OR if you should just move on with your life. Ultimately the choice is yours.
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Old 23rd October 2009, 8:10 AM   #6
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Thankyou all for your help, i really apreciate it, and its great to know people out there care.

I've decided to take your advice and tell her. I've been spacing myself from her for the past few weeks to see whether i would be able to handle it if things turn sour; and i think i can.

So im just waiting for the right time to tell her, and im actually finding myself excited to get it over with and move foward, or move on with my life.

Thanks again, and i'll let you know how i go!
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Old 23rd October 2009, 11:26 AM   #7
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Are you nuts, she's not gay!!!
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