Advice would be appreciated...

[ken]

Hi, I have to say first off I am impressed with this site. I also think the responses given to those in need of advice is really great. Tony and the gang really seem to care and that is why I'm posting my own little situation on here as well. Two heads are better than one, I think. Anyway, enough sucking up.

 

My question relates to this whole guy/girl friendship thing I've been going through. I met this great girl and some of her friends through a new job I had taken four years ago. Over the course of time I have become very close friends with this girl, I'll call her Sara. When I'd first met her she was in a long term relationship and I was single. About a year after meeting a few of these girls I really seemed to hit it off with Sara's best friend Tina. Tina and I casually dated for a couple months and then I accepted a transfer and moved about 4000 miles away. I was away for one year and in that time heard through the grapevine that Sara had ended her five year relationship with her b/f.

 

So about a year and a half ago, another work related move finds me back in the same city as Sara, Tina and the rest and I fall back in with the gang pretty easy. When I got back I was looking for an apartment and Sara said she had an opening, she and her two roomies (guy and a girl) needed one more. I accepted. So for about eight months I lived with Sara. We did a lot together, we went to movies, plays, clubs, dinner, shopping, you name it. We also occassionally slept in the same bed together, no sex just for comfort mainly. Of course the whole time since I'd come back from living away all my friends including Sara were convinced I was infatuated with Tina still. Something that I admit I did little to refute, it meant I could be close to Sara without admitting what was becoming rapidly apparent to me as I got to know her more: I was falling in love with Sara. Okay now you see where this is going? Sorry this is so long by the way, its confusing I know.

 

SO...last fall our lease ended and we all went our separate ways and found other apartments with other people. Our circle of friends remained tight we still all hung out and did all of those friendshippy things together and all the while I had this building love for Sara. I said not one word about to anyone...no confidants at all. Everyone is too connected, I didn't want her to hear it from anyone else, and the timing always seemed off to me. I could tell she cared for me very much and she always was quick to compliment me on appearance or anything else, but that's what a great friend does. I was very realistic in that thinking anyway.

 

Now to the meat of the problem. About five months ago, I couldn't stand it anymore. I asked her to meet me for coffee. She heartily agreed and so we met and I told her that I was having feelings for her. I didn't get too heavy, just kept it simple. Sara sat back reading my face and thought I was kidding. She said "I don't believe you." Then she smiled. I told her this was not a joke as I was prone to jokes, I meant it I told her I thought the friendship is nice but there could be more there. She was quite shocked, she had no clue and said to me, "But you're so taken with Tina, everyone knows that." Our conversation lasted a half hour and I left feeling I'd accomplished nothing. A week later I called Sara and asked her if she'd thought about it. She said she had but said she wanted to be my friend, what we have is so good.

 

I told Sara I cannot be friends and continue to have romantic feelings for her. I told her the friendship would be a lie as I'd always have this pining in the back of my mind which isn't fair to either of us, I told her I loved her but that was it, it would be too mentally and emotionally unhealthy for me to continue this friendship. Sara disagreed but I told her she and I would forget about this after the initial sting wears off. That was five months ago. I have not spoken or seen her or any of her close friends since. My question is, what do I do now?

 

I think about Sara a lot and I really miss her. I would love to call her but I have a feeling it would be in my best interest to continue to put time in until I forget about this girl. I've since heard through an acquaintance that Sara has asked where I am, etc. My acquaintance says its a shame really as most of our common friends were so envious of the relationship we had. Now it is gone and I still feel sad about that. I also think though that it's probably the healthiest thing for my heart. Over the past year I've dated a few different girls all of which I've ended they just don't compare to Sara. I'll just have to keep searching I guess.

 

Any advice in this matter would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

 

ken

[Tony T]

You are correct in continuing to stay away from Sara. She knows exactly how you feel and if there was the slightest feeling on her part that she wanted to go the romantic route with you she would get in touch with you.

 

Your main mistake was dishonesty, with Sara and with yourself. Had you not let this go so long without telling her your feelings, you may have had a better chance of upgrading this friendship. Most women have a tendency to rigidly classify relationships. If you get the buddy classification from a lady and have it for any length of time it's very, very hard to upgrade it unless you are extremely schrewd.

 

The first question many women will ask after a male friend has disclosed these feelings is how long they have had them. Most women feel very deceived that a guy who had deep feelings for them would hang around them for a long time without disclosing this. Women value male friendship and often feel betrayed when they find out there was an undisclosed agenda in the attention they were getting from someone who they thought was their buddy.

 

Now, if you want the secret information on how to handle romance in general and situations like Sara in the future, go buy two books, they're paperback and you can probably buy them cheap at http://www.amazon.com

 

One is "Love Tactics" and the other is "More Love Tactics." They were written by Phillips and McKnight. You can probably get a little information on them by using a good search enging like http://www.google.com and putting "Love Tactics" (without the quotes) in the search field.

 

For now, don't contact Sara. And your very best bet is to totally write her off as a possiblity because until you do you will not be able to achieve a sufficient level of romantic interest in another lady.

 

I strongly urge you NOT to hang around with ladies for whom you have strong feelings for without announcing that interest. Then don't hang around if it's not mutual. Doing so is just plain cruel to yourself.

 

Under ordinary circumstances, I would say you have a slight chance with Sara but I don't want to here because you could eat up a lot of years of your life waiting around for something where the chances of it happening may be there...but are VERY slim.

[ken]

As sad as this is, I know I am right by not having contact with her or other close friends we had in common. The main thing I'm working on right now is trying to figure out why I let this escalate the way it did, my feelings I mean. I guess in the beginning I knew she was off limits what with her long term relationship and all, so I never gave it a second thought. Then a couple years later, both of us dating other people but neither one of us seriously involved I thought maybe...y'know. Oh well.

 

I guess I think it about so much because it really has been taking away other romantic possibilities for me. Just recently I ended one short term relationship and turned down another all because I can't seem to pull my head out of this fog. They were both great people and great catches but until I wrap my head around this Sara fiasco I wouldn't be much of a good companion dating wise. It's weird it's like I'm trying recover after breaking up with a long term relationship when the irony is we never went out!

 

The only positive spin I can take is that both Sara and I have probably learned from this, I know I have it's just taking some time for the picture to develop. Who knows maybe sometime far down the road, when we're both living our own lives we'll meet again and have the kind of platonic friendship I wished we could have had, and she thought we did have. Until that time (probably years from now) I'm still trying to wrap my head around this and get over the hurt I have knowing that I will not see or speak with Sara for a long time, and after being so close and it coming to such an abrupt end.

 

I guess you could say I'm damaged goods?

 

Thanks again Tony, and thanks for the book suggestions.

 

ken

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "The main thing I'm working on right now is trying to figure out why I let this escalate the way it did, my feelings I mean."

 

That's pretty simple. Falling in love is fun, it feels good...but it can also be very blinding and we can do irrational things that can end up causing great pain later. That's what you did.

 

You let this thing go way too far. You did all kinds of things with her, even let her sleep with you in the same bed "as friends." Yeah, right! You even said yourself: "Something that I admit I did little to refute, it meant I could be close to Sara without admitting what was becoming rapidly apparent to me as I got to know her more: I was falling in love with Sara."

 

So you were being dishonest with Sara and with yourself.

 

The main thing you ought to be working on right now is trying to get a grip on your feelings and be honest about them...to yourself and others...from this day forward.

 

When you saw yourself falling for Sara, you should have immediately disclosed those feelings to her and accepted the consequences...good or bad. From the point you started having feelings for her, your friendship with her became dishonest and I can understand why she would be pretty peeved about that.

 

I have to admit I've done the same thing you have....several times...and I learned my lesson well. It doesn't happen anymore. Being honest with others makes you powerful...and being honest with yourself makes you godlike!

 

(This post was edited to correct spelling errors)

[ken]

Tony, everything you've said is absolutely right. I will not ever blame Sara for being upset...she probably feels I betrayed her and I did. I also did the same thing to myself and I deserve the outcome this has all brought. I will not ever see Sara again, but I know she and I will both be happy in the future. I've learned things from this experience that I didn't know about before and that's my silver lining. Never again will I allow this to happen. Thanks again.

 

ken