My ex still calls, what does this mean?

[Corri]

Hi All,

 

Me and my ex bf of 6 years broke up about 7 months ago. We have remained very good friends since. About 2 months ago he admitted he had been lying to me about being in another relationship for the past 5 months. I was hurt by his lying and told him how important it was that he be honest with me. I'm still uncertain of why he hid this for so long. I thought that this would change our friendship- that is, maybe we wouldn't talk as much or what not. To my surprise, nothing has changed between us. He still calls me everyday and I heard through his friends, that his new partner does not appreciate this. I have talked to him about how his partner feels towards me and have tried to be sympathetic to those feelings. All of my friends say there has to be a reason my ex still calls me all the time if he is in a new relationship with someone else. I guess my question is what do you guys think of this? I have no idea if this is normal or what the significance might be. Thank you very much for reading.

[Tony T]

There is no normal.

 

He could be wanting you to be there to pick him up just in case his new relationship fails.

 

He may have kept this other relationship from you in case there might be a reconciliation between the two of you. If he didn't care deeply for you, he wouldn't continue calling you on a daily basis.

 

He may just be unwilling to let you go and move on. It's a hard thing to do.

 

As time passes, these calls will become less frequent. As a practical matter, it is not proper or healthy for anyone to maintain a close relationship of any kind with an ex lover when they are trying to maintain a current healthy relationship.

 

There is simply no way anybody can maintain a close friendship with an ex if they are to move forward in another relationship.

 

No matter what the reason, I think you ought to insist on reduced contact with your ex. There is no good purpose for a close friendship at this point. There are no interests well served by it.

 

You need to let go of this and move forward with your life. It takes a long time to heal from the break up of such a long relationship and frequent calls just continue to prevent the scab of the emotional wounds from fully healing.

 

Maybe in a year or two, the two of you can be buddies....but right now, it's not a good thing.

 

If you were over him entirely, this stuff wouldn't bother you.

[BlackDragon]

Good advice Tony. I agree and I think it somewhat relates to my situation also.

There is no normal. He could be wanting you to be there to pick him up just in case his new relationship fails.

 

He may have kept this other relationship from you in case there might be a reconciliation between the two of you. If he didn't care deeply for you, he wouldn't continue calling you on a daily basis. He may just be unwilling to let you go and move on. It's a hard thing to do. As time passes, these calls will become less frequent. As a practical matter, it is not proper or healthy for anyone to maintain a close relationship of any kind with an ex lover when they are trying to maintain a current healthy relationship. There is simply no way anybody can maintain a close friendship with an ex if they are to move forward in another relationship. No matter what the reason, I think you ought to insist on reduced contact with your ex. There is no good purpose for a close friendship at this point. There are no interests well served by it.

 

You need to let go of this and move forward with your life. It takes a long time to heal from the break up of such a long relationship and frequent calls just continue to prevent the scab of the emotional wounds from fully healing. Maybe in a year or two, the two of you can be buddies....but right now, it's not a good thing.

 

If you were over him entirely, this stuff wouldn't bother you.

[Corri]

Tony-

 

Thank you for your response. I understand about there not being any sort of norm for these things, but because I don't have a lot of experience to compare, I wanted to try and get some other perspectives and opinions. I will admit I am not over him at all- in fact I want him back. However, I am trying to play the supportive friend role and surpress my feelings. I care about this person so much and want him to be happy, so if this new relationship makes him happy, I have chosen to respect it and him. That is why I try and not call as much, etc. His calling doesn't bother me either- in fact I love it, I just wanted to try and figure out if there was any meaning behind it or what is going on. I'm just super confused, thanks for your time.

There is no normal. He could be wanting you to be there to pick him up just in case his new relationship fails.

 

He may have kept this other relationship from you in case there might be a reconciliation between the two of you. If he didn't care deeply for you, he wouldn't continue calling you on a daily basis. He may just be unwilling to let you go and move on. It's a hard thing to do. As time passes, these calls will become less frequent. As a practical matter, it is not proper or healthy for anyone to maintain a close relationship of any kind with an ex lover when they are trying to maintain a current healthy relationship. There is simply no way anybody can maintain a close friendship with an ex if they are to move forward in another relationship. No matter what the reason, I think you ought to insist on reduced contact with your ex. There is no good purpose for a close friendship at this point. There are no interests well served by it.

 

You need to let go of this and move forward with your life. It takes a long time to heal from the break up of such a long relationship and frequent calls just continue to prevent the scab of the emotional wounds from fully healing. Maybe in a year or two, the two of you can be buddies....but right now, it's not a good thing.

 

If you were over him entirely, this stuff wouldn't bother you.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "I will admit I am not over him at all- in fact I want him back. However, I am trying to play the supportive friend role and surpress my feelings."

 

Why would you think your guy would want such an insincere lady back as a girlfriend? You're not over him yet you want to pretend to be only his friend. You are cruel and mean to yourself, listening to what's happening with him and his girlfriend. You are cruel and mean to yourself by taking valuable time you could be healing from this relationship to put yourself through hell.

 

Pretending to be someone's friend when you want more is the most insincere thing you can do in a friendship/relationship. It is a lie of the highest order...and it is the most cruel thing you can do to yourself.

 

2. "I care about this person so much and want him to be happy, so if this new relationship makes him happy, I have chosen to respect it and him."

 

Yes, you want him to be happy WITH YOU!!! If you really wanted him to be happy, you would butt out and let him live his life. In psychology, this is called a "reaction formation." It's one of the unconscious defense mechanisms. Look it up when you have time.

 

But you are pretending to want something you don't want. What you REALLY want is to have him back for yourself so you couldn't possibly want him to be happy with somebody else.

 

2. "That is why I try and not call as much, etc. His calling doesn't bother me either- in fact I love it, I just wanted to try and figure out if there was any meaning behind it or what is going on."

 

His calling doesn't bother you because it helps you keep a pulse on what's going on. It helps you say the little things you need to say and strategize in your effort to get him back. I'm sure he's up to your tricks and is using you as a reserve in case what he's got doesn't work out.

 

Now, I've been exactly where you are and I've done exactly what you're doing. In the time or two that somebody came back, they didn't remain for long. They used me for a cushion until they could find somebody else. When a relationship doesn't work and there's a break up, it's usually over. That's what a break up is all about.

 

And if it's not, you are still much better served by being sincere and not pretending to be his buddy but moving on. He'll come back to you later on if that's what he wants to do and he's available at the time.

 

You'd be surprised how wonderfully karma works in life. One day, you'll be dating a guy who is in daily contact with an ex who wants him back real bad and you'll see just what that's like. Unconditionally guaranteed.

 

3. "I'm just super confused, thanks for your time."

 

There's nothing to be super confused about at all. Look up reaction formation...or I'll even provide once convenient definition for you here: "reaction formation - A defense mechanism whereby an unconscious and unacceptable impulse or feeling that would cause anxiety is converted into its opposite so it can become conscious and be expressed. For example, a person adopts a set of attitudes and behaviors that are the opposite of his or her true dispositions."

 

In other words, you are acting directly opposite of the way you really feel. You hate being his platonic friend...you want to be his girlfriend. You hate him dating this other girl...you want him dating you.

 

Nothing to be super confused about. It's pretty basic.

 

Be nice to yourself. Be true to yourself and to your ex by doing the decent thing and moving on. If you must, let him know if things don't work out with this current relationship, give you a call. He probably knows what you're doing and considers it pretty pathetic and has no respect for it. He's also a real butthole for allowing you to put yourself through this if he knows you still have feeling for him.

 

I also unconditionally guarantee there is a much better relationship waiting out there for you if you will open yourself to it. What you have described in your post is very sick.

 

This whole thing really torks me off ONLY because I have been where you are now. I have deceived myself. I have lied to myself. And I know where this will lead...and it ain't pretty.

 

I'm sorry, I'm really torked at myself. I just feel very sad about what you're making of yourself.

 

Nevermind, you'll find out for yourself.