children and affairs

[debbie black]

Hi I have read here a bit and would just appreciate some input. Quick history- my husband had a 4 year affair with a married woman. There were a few d-days. The affair has been over for 2 years, we are still together.

 

A few months before the first d-day I was becoming uncomfortable with my husband's relationship with a friend who worked in the same industry as us. I had known her for a while and really liked her. My husband blew me off saying I was being irrational. A short time after that I happened upon them in a cafe being all lovey-dovey. Unfortunatley I had my three children with me. They of course were really upset and confused by the whole thing.

 

My husband was very sorry ,said there wasn't really anything to it and promised us he would never see her again.

 

The whole thing went underground and although occasionally I was uneasy I could never really prove anything. Our family life just went on as normal and we had some great times. He was very good at seperating his life and although there were lots of emails and phone calls there wasn't a lot of actual contact( my husband and I worked together, he didn;t work late and he rarely went out on weekends without one of us with him)

 

The big D day occurred when the ow spilled the beans. She had left her marriage and her children and I think was peeved when he wouldn't do the same. My children however know nothing about this Dday or the fact that it was a full- blown affair from the start. We have never argued in front of them. The day before the big D day a totally unrelated traumatic event occurred. I was able to relate my upset behaviour to that event.

 

Sorry this is turning out long! The thing is my middle child who is now 16 has never been the same since that first dday. She was always Daddy's girl and in her own words "I thought i was the luckiest girl in the world to have him as my Dad" I have tried to explain that Dad's problems were with me and had nothing to do with her but she sees it as a huge betrayal.

She has repeatedly asked me to leave him and just seems to want him out of her life.I have questioned her closely and she does just think that he got a little friendly with this lady, so it's not that she knows more than I think.

 

She is going really badly in school, is probably going to get kicked out, she has dabbled with alcohol and drugs and is just generally bent on self destructive behaviour. I ask her why and she says she just wants to do things that make her forget. She has lost all ambition and direction She will not co-operate with a counsellor or physchologist. I don't know what to do any more and as hardly anyone knows about the affair I have no-one to talk to, I think people just think I'm a bad Mum.

 

Maybe this was going to happen anyway and if this hadn't happened she would have just blamed something else. She used to be such a strong clear-headed , smart kid.

 

Anyone have any similiar experience, I am worried this is going to affect her for a long time. The other two kids seem fine.

 

Thanks

[Ladyjane14]

....My children however know nothing about this Dday or the fact that it was a full- blown affair from the start.....

 

...She has repeatedly asked me to leave him and just seems to want him out of her life.I have questioned her closely and she does just think that he got a little friendly with this lady, so it's not that she knows more than I think....

 

...I ask her why and she says she just wants to do things that make her forget....

 

There's missing information here, Debbie. If she doesn't KNOW anything... what does she need to "forget"???

 

I think there's either one of two things going on here. Either she knows about him being inappropriate with another woman, or... he's been inappropriate with her.

 

If the affair has started up again and she doesn't know you're already clued in to his history of infidelity, she'd be reluctant to tell on him. It's a horrible place for a kid to be in... divided in their loyalties, angry with the cheater, and afraid to tell for fear of destroying the family dynamic.

 

Unfortunately, the same red flags you're seeing in her behavior could be indicative of molestation. If that's the case, she's not going to want to tell ANYONE. Does she go out of her way to avoid being alone with him?

 

Talk to her counselor again. I think you two need to come up with a game-plan that will encourage her to unload whatever it is that she's trying to "forget". You might even consider getting a NEW therapist if she's not working well with the one you have. Sometimes kids respond better to someone they might perceive as "cool". A young female therapist might be a better answer than a matronly one or a man.

[NoIDidn't]

debbie

 

I really don't know how much what I am going to say is going to help, but here goes.

 

My dad wasn't even with my mom but I saw him with many of his OW as he cheated on my step-mom. I felt betrayed too. I was growing into a young woman and here he is cavorting around with all manner of strange women right in front of me. He blew me off to be with these strange women. Its maddening.

 

I think you should get your daughter into family counselling with the whole family. Her world was rocked as a part of the family dynamic, so she shouldn't be made to feel like she is the only one with the problem. She is hurting emotionally and from what it seems she is being told that her pain is irrational, so she is trying to forget it. But, she can't.

 

Your other kids seem to have accepted the uncomfortable silence surrounding your H's A, but your middle child hasn't and probably can't. Was she the one that stood by you on the days following when your H lied to you about the "lovey-dovey" lunch d-day being nothing? Or maybe its something deeper. It could be that the A never ended and like many kids she knows something that YOU don't, but is afraid to tell you for whatever reasons.

 

She may have overheard your H in a phone call that he thought was private. She may have come across some old letters from the former OW. She may have seen her dad out someplace with another woman. Or her friends may be telling her such things.

 

Its the drug and alcohol use that complicates this. I wish I could say you have to put your foot down and make her behave, but I know with her being 16 that that only makes things worst. I was the rebellious teen myself and the only thing that helps is no-pressure, one-on-one time doing something that she likes without the hint of judgment or condemnation from you. But every parent can't handle that.

 

You are in a tough spot. Besides counselling, and subsequently her feeling like she is the only problem (not an accusation, just interjecting how she probably perceived it), what else have you tried?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Debbie,

 

Here is the link to my story as it pertains to my teenage daughter. I do believe that it has affected her terribly as she was also "daddy's girl". Luckily she had a boyfriend whose family is somewhat homebound because of the grandmother's health and a condintion of the little brother. They are always at home and the mother has never had a "little girl" before. Truly I thank God every night for these people because she always had a happy place to be.

Her is her story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=998003#post998003

 

This is why I believe that once they know "something" they need to know the whole truth. It needs to be acknowledged and HE needs to make ammends to her also. HE betrayed her as well. Unfortunately, mine will never see this.

[outofdarkness]

Hi I have read here a bit and would just appreciate some input. Quick history- my husband had a 4 year affair with a married woman. There were a few d-days. The affair has been over for 2 years, we are still together.

 

A few months before the first d-day I was becoming uncomfortable with my husband's relationship with a friend who worked in the same industry as us. I had known her for a while and really liked her. My husband blew me off saying I was being irrational. A short time after that I happened upon them in a cafe being all lovey-dovey. Unfortunatley I had my three children with me. They of course were really upset and confused by the whole thing.

 

My husband was very sorry ,said there wasn't really anything to it and promised us he would never see her again.

 

The whole thing went underground and although occasionally I was uneasy I could never really prove anything. Our family life just went on as normal and we had some great times. He was very good at seperating his life and although there were lots of emails and phone calls there wasn't a lot of actual contact( my husband and I worked together, he didn;t work late and he rarely went out on weekends without one of us with him)

 

The big D day occurred when the ow spilled the beans. She had left her marriage and her children and I think was peeved when he wouldn't do the same. My children however know nothing about this Dday or the fact that it was a full- blown affair from the start. We have never argued in front of them. The day before the big D day a totally unrelated traumatic event occurred. I was able to relate my upset behaviour to that event.

 

Sorry this is turning out long! The thing is my middle child who is now 16 has never been the same since that first dday. She was always Daddy's girl and in her own words "I thought i was the luckiest girl in the world to have him as my Dad" I have tried to explain that Dad's problems were with me and had nothing to do with her but she sees it as a huge betrayal.

She has repeatedly asked me to leave him and just seems to want him out of her life.I have questioned her closely and she does just think that he got a little friendly with this lady, so it's not that she knows more than I think.

 

She is going really badly in school, is probably going to get kicked out, she has dabbled with alcohol and drugs and is just generally bent on self destructive behaviour. I ask her why and she says she just wants to do things that make her forget. She has lost all ambition and direction She will not co-operate with a counsellor or physchologist. I don't know what to do any more and as hardly anyone knows about the affair I have no-one to talk to, I think people just think I'm a bad Mum.

 

Maybe this was going to happen anyway and if this hadn't happened she would have just blamed something else. She used to be such a strong clear-headed , smart kid.

 

Anyone have any similiar experience, I am worried this is going to affect her for a long time. The other two kids seem fine.

 

Thanks

PM me on this one. I have alot of experience in this dept. I can say that I am a firm believer that our kids know so much more then we think. I was told right off the bat to be honest and upfront; both of us in a theraputic setting..It eats them up even more when they either know everything and feel guilty or know something more but can't put their finger on it. They blame themselves...TOTALLY normal...Feeling like she's been betrayed is of course, totally warrented in this case, but none the less destructive for her if she continues to hold in those feelings and "act out" in order to deal w/ the pain. Our daughter attends weekly group therapy where a group of girls around her age; she too is 16..They go to dinner and "talk" about whatever is going on in their life and a counseler is present. This has been wonderful b/c she not only has gotten support from a professional, but from her peers...They need to feel like they are not alone, and the only way to do this is in a setting like the above. It's just too embarrassing to bring up at school or a party. Re: The exp. w/ drugs, alch..etc..yes, they will do this as teens anyway, but when something is eating away at them and they are have the right personality, it will become a crutch very quickly.

 

I have some other ideas for you that are sort of out of the box, but we've had to think outside the box for our kids. Sounds like it might be time for you too as well. Look forward to hearing from you...Take care..and take a deep, cleansing breath!

[whichwayisup]

The thing is my middle child who is now 16 has never been the same since that first dday. She was always Daddy's girl and in her own words "I thought i was the luckiest girl in the world to have him as my Dad" I have tried to explain that Dad's problems were with me and had nothing to do with her but she sees it as a huge betrayal.

She has repeatedly asked me to leave him and just seems to want him out of her life.I have questioned her closely and she does just think that he got a little friendly with this lady, so it's not that she knows more than I think.

How included is your husband in helping her? Is he willing to open up and talk to her about what happened? Or does your daughter only talk to you about that.

 

Maybe the two of them need to talk this out. A Family therapist could help.

 

The counsellor she is seeing now isn't working out. Is it one involved with the school? If so, might want to change therapists.

 

She is hurt, feels betrayed by the one man in her life that was supposed to be the most important. Sounds like she knows there IS more to it because of her behaviour. Is it possible she snooped or overheard conversations between her dad and the OW? Not only seeing him cozy with someone else, but something more, another time?

 

You're not a bad mom, so please don't beat yourself up.

16 year old teens are hard enough to deal with on normal bad day, so her doing drugs and making bad choices seems her way of saying how unhappy she is.

 

Stay strong and keep posting. There are lots of people here who can help you.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I do think affairs affect kids.

 

I know after my wifes affair ended, we had a rough first year of recovery and I think the pain my wife and I felt rubbed off on the kids. My daughter missed 14 total days of school during that time, compared to 1 day so far this year. But things are much better now and not as much stress in the house.

 

As for does it affect kids for a long time. I believe so. I look at my wife for example and she would even attest to this.

 

Her mother has 5 kids, 3 different dads. Wife remembers mom was always with some guy and even heard them in the bedroom numerous times as a young child. Her IC went so far as to say hearing and seeing mom with different men was a form of sexual abuse. being wife was too young to be exposed to that. Sounds dumb ,but I think theres merit there.

[Guest]

My first question would be what has your H done to reassure your middle child?

 

He's already had one A and got caught in at very least another appropriate situation with yet another woman. You said he blew you off. Is he blowing off his child's feelings too. Is he taking responsbility for anything or are you all supposed to be happy he stayed instead of him feeling grateful he was given yet another chance? Has he at least sat his D down and explained he made a very bad choice?

[InaPanic]

i also worry about this. my whole affair was pretty short & because OM lived so far away it wasn't like it really disturbed our daily routine much except the fact mom suddenly spent much more time online & on the phone. Plus when i did tell my husband the kids were not around & we have never argued in front of them. Once he did get upset when he found an old cell phone bill & I guess it refreshed everything & he sort of exploded but nothing too bad. My youngest i have no doubt knows nothing but the oldest i just don't know. i debate with myself often about whether to tell her or not. My husband thinks i should not. He thinks this is an adult matter & they need know nothing unless we can't work it out. I agree unless i think she has a clue. IF that's the case i'd rather tell her myself than her try to piece together things herself. She was only 12 when this happened and a pretty naive child at that so i'm not sure i think she does know anything or if it's just my continued guilt that makes me question.

I feel so badly for you & your daughter. I hope you &your husband can do some serious teamwork to help her thru this. I haven't gone thru those stages of teen years yet so i can't offer much advice i'm afraid. BUt i do worry. I've seen a lot of good kids go bad & I realize it can happen to any kids in any family & not just ones with infidelity.

[outofdarkness]

i also worry about this. my whole affair was pretty short & because OM lived so far away it wasn't like it really disturbed our daily routine much except the fact mom suddenly spent much more time online & on the phone. Plus when i did tell my husband the kids were not around & we have never argued in front of them. Once he did get upset when he found an old cell phone bill & I guess it refreshed everything & he sort of exploded but nothing too bad. My youngest i have no doubt knows nothing but the oldest i just don't know. i debate with myself often about whether to tell her or not. My husband thinks i should not. He thinks this is an adult matter & they need know nothing unless we can't work it out. I agree unless i think she has a clue. IF that's the case i'd rather tell her myself than her try to piece together things herself. She was only 12 when this happened and a pretty naive child at that so i'm not sure i think she does know anything or if it's just my continued guilt that makes me question.

I feel so badly for you & your daughter. I hope you &your husband can do some serious teamwork to help her thru this. I haven't gone thru those stages of teen years yet so i can't offer much advice i'm afraid. BUt i do worry. I've seen a lot of good kids go bad & I realize it can happen to any kids in any family & not just ones with infidelity.

Our daughter was 12 when D day came, and she too, was very naive, sweet and quiet..I was SURE that it did not effect her long term. Due to the circumstances, both children had to be told...I fell apart and asked H to leave..There was NO way that I was going to be the bad guy and let them think that Mom was some sort of monster who kicked Dad to the cold curb...He did stay w/ his parents..Turns out, it affected her much more then we had thought, but she has come through it very well...WITH the help of group, family and IC...It has taken alot of work, but we were very determined b/c we did not want it to affect any future Rs that she would have...

 

Anyone who thinks that they can hide A's and the affect they have on kids, is, in my opinion, just not being honest w/ themselves...They KNOW something is wrong, and in many cases, they know WHAT is wrong. They lurk around corners, snoop in drawers, etc..anything to find out b/c it drives them crazy NOT to know AND they tend to blame themselves for it if the are not properly informed. Just my take on it...