Raleuse Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I'm still confused and would appreciate 'outside' views on my situation. I'm not asking what I should do, just what you think of both our behaviours here. As mentioned in my other posts, I have tried to distance myself from what was an unhealthy (obsessive) friendship but still see my (ex) best friend daily. This 'distancing' has not been taken too well by said friend (even tho initiated by him: he wanted to date and felt I was in the way) who's gone from denial to rage and back to denial. After a big raw where he said some very nasty things and basically threatened to make my life hell, I have pretty much had mixed feelings towards him. While I used to love him unconditionally and be frustrated at him not reciprocating my feelings, I now also resent him. I'm starting to see a pattern in his behaviour towards me. Since the day he realised I loved him, he has been both charming and lovely and abusive (belittling, silly nicknaming : "come here fat pussy" type). Now he usually goes from one to the other - starts charming and becomes gradually abusive. However, if I'm totally objective, if a friend of mine whom I like but have no intention to date told me of his unconditional love and that he would do ANYTHING for me, I might have taken him for granted too. I might even have unwillingly humiliated him. I just posed myself in victim and because I was still hopeful back then that he would change his mind (everyone around us told me he was in love, and he said he didn't know) I just let him, only moaning feably at his "jokes". The other reason why I would always let him take the lead and make decisions (as to what we did together, etc) was that I am older than him so I didn't want him to feel I was mothering him or treating him like a kid or something like that. The past couple of days the name calling and hurtful comments have started again. He's been very busy and asked for my help. I like helping him (as long as it doesn't keep me from doing what needs to be done for me/my family/other friends) but as days went by the requests became commands (do this, go faster, you're slow, clumsy, blah blah.) I know and he knows that this will make my blood boil but I try to detach myself as I really hate confrontations. However, yesterday he said in front of a girl he "uses" to try (and manages to) and make me jealous with that his gran was fitter than I am and that was it. The minute we were out of sight of said girl, I told him I had it with his nasty comments. He said I was moody again and couldn't take jokes and he'd stop speaking to me (thinks I don't like that but things have changed and I actually would like him to stop speaking to me). Also said I thought I was so much better than everyone else and wanted everyone to bow at my sight and say thank you and please and beg as if I was the queen. I just ignored him (don't even know what he said after that). Thing is, I am moaning at his abuse. I'd like to give him a taste of his own medicing but because I'm not like that (and also because things could become REALLY nasty if I do) I just ramble. And I AM jealous of the girl and it is the main reason why I snapped... I know his silly comments are only that. They're not true. Yet I let them grate on my nerves until I can't take any more. I'm not too sure who's to blame here. I've been reading the net and see all those things about abuse, narcissism, etc. but hey, he's just a guy who's been given the opportunity to act like a jerk. Maybe he is a spoilt, disrespectful jerk, but I don't think he's got some personality disorder.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 This quote by Eleanor Roosevelt comes to mind: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt I know his silly comments are only that. They're not true. You will need to understand that there is a difference between 'silly comments' and ones that are designed to humilate and hurt you - particularly when they are said in the presence of others. Don't make excuses for someone who is hurting you. I actually would like him to stop speaking to me So, what steps are you planning on taking to see that happen? You want to give him a taste of his own medicine, but understand that if you try to turn his behavior back on him, he'll simply ramp it up. If you want to really send a strong message - know that there is no stronger message than indifference and silence. Simply stop speaking to him. Do not contact him. Do not let him contact you. Do not associate with him. Do not be in his presence nor tolerate him in your presence. Cut him off, and leave him to himself.
Author Raleuse Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 You want to give him a taste of his own medicine, but understand that if you try to turn his behavior back on him, he'll simply ramp it up. If you want to really send a strong message - know that there is no stronger message than indifference and silence. Simply stop speaking to him. Do not contact him. Do not let him contact you. Do not associate with him. Do not be in his presence nor tolerate him in your presence. Cut him off, and leave him to himself. Don't worry, I will not do the same even tho I sometimes wish I could show him what it feels like. First because I'm not that kind of person and second because I am worried he could indeed make my life hell. The good thing is, he isn't consistent enough to sustain his threats for long. After a couple of days, the anger falls and he's back to his charming self but in the mean time, I will have had a couple of awful days. I like your advice about silence and indifference. It works, he hates that, tries to use it as well but isn't very good at this game. As for no contact, that's the reason why I actually started the post with the fact I'm not looking for what to do - I know what the answer is and I'm just not there yet. I just need reassurance as to my role in the way he is with me (I also know that's typical of abuse - the victim is made feel guilty and does so). Can't help but wonder if I had been myself (strong, independent) from the start he'd have behaved like that. And I'm still amazed I let myself get trapped like that.
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