classicgirl4 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Simple question. Can someone really ever change? Everyone posting here is praying that someone they love will change. Is it ever really possible or are we just fooling oursleves? Do people really change, or Do people just get better at lying? Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I was actually coming here to ask a similar question in a different thread. I know for a fact people change, when the stakes are high enough and the motivation is solid enough then yes they can change. However, those who are forced into change, especially cheaters do just tend to either get better at lying or stop caring if they get caught at all. It all depends on how much they are willing to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 The old cliche is so appropriate: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can get him to put the cap back onto the toothpaste and if you're really lucky, you can get him to put his socks into the laundry basket. As for core changes, they rarely happen, even if his intentions were good. Most of the time, it's not worth the effort and heartache to try to force a core change. Link to post Share on other sites
shelliezdesign Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I'm not sure how old or who your significant other is....but from what I've known almost all of my life is that people never ever ever change....unless they really want to. And if they do...it is a big step for them because they must get something out of it...for a long time or life. You'll be waiting for someone to change if that's what you want/need? And you will waste your time...so if you want what you are waiting for....then you are punishing a big part of your life and missing out. This person....at 85%...will never change even if you are the best thing they have ever met. sorry but true. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Everyone posting here is praying that someone they love will change. That's really not true. But from my experience - fundamental character changes "no". Some people are good at temporarily suppressing "character flaws" and creating a belief of illusion. But: Leopards do not change their spots. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Do people really change?Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 But from my experience - fundamental character changes "no". Some people are good at temporarily suppressing "character flaws" and creating a belief of illusion. But: Leopards do not change their spots.Yes, character is not changeable, but the same character can generate different types of behavior, depending on the circumstances. If you want someone to change their behavior (not character), you have to create new conditions/circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Agree but surely behaviour is based on fundamental character? Behaviour can change, but it's fickle. And based upon character. For any behaviour to permanently change, a fundamental character change will need to happen. And in my opinion, it takes something extremely drastic for that to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Okay...so my question would be more specific. If you have an ex you chased for four years, then broke up with you because he/she wasn't ready for a serious relationship yet....then proceeded to jerk you around for another year and STILL not be ready for a serious relationship; yet then when you meet someone else and start getting serious about them and you start dating them exclusively...only THEN your ex comes back and says how much he/she loves you and wants to be with you, and that they never knew what they had 'til it was gone... Is that really a change or what? I know how I feel about it, just curious to hear your feedback... Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 people only change if they see a real benefit in their interest to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Is that really a change or what? No. Simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Simple question. Can someone really ever change? Everyone posting here is praying that someone they love will change. Is it ever really possible or are we just fooling oursleves? Do people really change, or Do people just get better at lying? Of course people change. Change is the nature of life. Nothing ever stays the same. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 That's not the "type" of change she's asking about. Of course through life we all go through change - grow up and evolve. But fundamental character - not so easy. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Okay...so my question would be more specific. If you have an ex you chased for four years, then broke up with you because he/she wasn't ready for a serious relationship yet....then proceeded to jerk you around for another year and STILL not be ready for a serious relationship; yet then when you meet someone else and start getting serious about them and you start dating them exclusively...only THEN your ex comes back and says how much he/she loves you and wants to be with you, and that they never knew what they had 'til it was gone... Is that really a change or what? I know how I feel about it, just curious to hear your feedback... in this case it seems a clear example of someone seeing the value in something only when they can't have it. you chased him, he didn't care. you waited, he still didn't care. you became unavailable, now he cares. if you were to become available again, guess what would happen? it's not you he likes. it's the chase. move on. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Okay...so my question would be more specific. If you have an ex you chased for four years, then broke up with you because he/she wasn't ready for a serious relationship yet....then proceeded to jerk you around for another year and STILL not be ready for a serious relationship; yet then when you meet someone else and start getting serious about them and you start dating them exclusively...only THEN your ex comes back and says how much he/she loves you and wants to be with you, and that they never knew what they had 'til it was gone... Is that really a change or what? I know how I feel about it, just curious to hear your feedback...He only wants you because you belong to someone else now. It's superficial wanting, his hunting instincts are telling him to take the booty over from the other man. I don't believe that you start appreciating what you had ONLY when you lose it. He didn't want to be serious with you so something is not right. Get over him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 people only change if they see a real benefit in their interest to do so. Absolutely agree. Much of the time it's short-term change while benefits hold up. If you refer to what RP describes in reference to the hunt instincts, this meshes. Once every blue moon, people really can change but it's usually because of serious trauma to self versus for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 In my experiance people DO change, usually for one (or both) of two reasons. Serious Trauma, and the passage of large amounts of time (10+ years). I have been through a few periods of "change" in my 55 years. All of them for the better. Actions I would have taken instantly when I was 20-25 I wouldn't dream of taking now. Maybe the real answer is that people seldom change in time to satisfy real defecits in a relationship. When the changes happen they are nearly always a decade to late. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Yes, that makes sense too. Some of the greatest times of change are between the ages of 18 - 25. After age 25, people have mostly set their core characteristics. Of course for every single blanket assumption, there are people who don't fit the rule. Link to post Share on other sites
alextop30 Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 I have experianced many negative things in my life through now and this my be a biaced ansewer but I really believe that nothing ever changes but people put new masks just for the appropriate moment when they are saying how sorry they are and that is it pretty much otherwise nothing ever changens - what ever they have done they will not stop and will not change because they believe they were right and you cannot change thier mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Isabellagirl Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 I think a person can change only if they lose the one they are with because they cheated and thus it scares them from doing it again. More often though no, they stay the same. Link to post Share on other sites
alextop30 Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 I have tested that but doesnt work because they are only scared for a moment otherwise if everything goes back to normal it doesnt really matter they can do what ever they want after that. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Isabella, Alex... you two are way to bitter! As I wrote before I believe people change over time. Many of us have learned from our past experiances, and mistakes. We don't fall into the same patterns, or make the same bone headed decisions over and over. Again, it takes time. Rome wasn't built in a day. Link to post Share on other sites
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