tinkerboy Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 hi there, just wanted to pose this question : what does love mean to the MM/MW ? how can he/she claim to love the OW/OM and yet doesn't do anything to make their relationship a legitimate one ? most importantly...how can he/she put the OW/OM in such mental anguish; keeping them hanging and waiting... for those MM/MW who still go back to their spouses, what goes thru the mind of the OW/OM can be quite sickening. what if they're still intimate with their spouses ? they can tell us one story, but its not exactly verifiable, isn't it ? what then, is love ?
Meaplus3 Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 hi there, just wanted to pose this question : what does love mean to the MM/MW ? how can he/she claim to love the OW/OM and yet doesn't do anything to make their relationship a legitimate one ? most importantly...how can he/she put the OW/OM in such mental anguish; keeping them hanging and waiting... for those MM/MW who still go back to their spouses, what goes thru the mind of the OW/OM can be quite sickening. what if they're still intimate with their spouses ? they can tell us one story, but its not exactly verifiable, isn't it ? what then, is love ? WOW. Well one year ago I had NO idea. Now I do. "Love is a Choice" a choice to love, honor and respect the person you are in an "R" with.(in my case my marriage) To hold your "R" above all the rest in life and to want to grow old with this person. To understand their short coming's and for them to understand your's to work through issues together. To live well, laugh often and to love much. Hope this helps. AP
frannie Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 hi there, just wanted to pose this question : what does love mean to the MM/MW ? how can he/she claim to love the OW/OM and yet doesn't do anything to make their relationship a legitimate one ? most importantly...how can he/she put the OW/OM in such mental anguish; keeping them hanging and waiting... for those MM/MW who still go back to their spouses, what goes thru the mind of the OW/OM can be quite sickening. what if they're still intimate with their spouses ? they can tell us one story, but its not exactly verifiable, isn't it ? what then, is love ? I think, for the first part of your question, there are two separate aspects of love, either one of which may exist independently of the other. One is loving feelings you have for someone. Another is loving actions towards someone. A person can feel love for someone and still treat them badly. We can also dislike someone immensely and still act in a loving way towards them. So to answer the first part of your question, a married person can feel a great deal of love for an OP, but act in selfish (and unloving) ways which cause them a great deal of hurt. For the second part of your question, I'm not quite sure exactly what you're asking. Is it about feelings of being lied to about sex between the married couple..? Or just jealous feelings that they may still be intimate in that way..?
stylista Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 WOW. Well one year ago I had NO idea. Now I do. "Love is a Choice" a choice to love, honor and respect the person you are in an "R" with.(in my case my marriage) To hold your "R" above all the rest in life and to want to grow old with this person. To understand their short coming's and for them to understand your's to work through issues together. To live well, laugh often and to love much. Hope this helps. AP there really isnt a choice though....if there was would there really be any OW? I think there is no choice at all and that this isnt a bad thing, its what makes it special. I can, and have, make the choice to not see my MM in only platonic circumstances for the next year or so until after his divorce and when everything has cooled down. That is a choice, but the love we have for each other was not a choice, the way his eyes light up when he sees me and the way I cant stop thinking about him is not a choice. Why should we deny our happiness because he happened to be married when I met him??
Author tinkerboy Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 For the second part of your question, I'm not quite sure exactly what you're asking. Is it about feelings of being lied to about sex between the married couple..? Or just jealous feelings that they may still be intimate in that way..? if the person who is supposedly in love with you still goes back at night to the spouse, does he/she realise the strain on the other person ? lets not lie to ourselves. eventually, the question does arises. and you wonder if they are still intimate. and you get jealous. and you feel bad because you're not suppose to get those suspicions and feelings but you are. so ... where is the love ?
a4a Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 if the person who is supposedly in love with you still goes back at night to the spouse, does he/she realise the strain on the other person ? lets not lie to ourselves. eventually, the question does arises. and you wonder if they are still intimate. and you get jealous. and you feel bad because you're not suppose to get those suspicions and feelings but you are. so ... where is the love ? I know a cheating H that treats his wife like gold, but most likely he feeds his OW lines that he is not in "love" with her.... yet will spew how wonderful she (W) is to all of their friends. From her baking skills, to her job, to how hot she is...... yet he is still doing OW on the side too. Actually he never says anything very nice about the OW. Last I heard he was pissy because she was calling him at work bothering him. Only the MM really knows what happens in his head...... and obviously if he chooses to lie to his wife he most likely also opts to lie to the OW.
Jinxx Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 just wanted to pose this question : what does love mean to the MM/MW ? how can he/she claim to love the OW/OM and yet doesn't do anything to make their relationship a legitimate one ? Sometimes they do leave to make a legitmate relationship, therefore proving their love to their OW/OM. Some of the them (XMM in my case) was upfront and told me he would not be breaking up his family or leaving. I hung on for a year, married as well when it started but am now separated. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I love my husband enough to want to go back and and give it a second chance. What love means to one person can mean something else entirely to another person. Too many definitions for the "L" word.
MoonGirl Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 hi there, just wanted to pose this question : what does love mean to the MM/MW ? how can he/she claim to love the OW/OM and yet doesn't do anything to make their relationship a legitimate one ? most importantly...how can he/she put the OW/OM in such mental anguish; keeping them hanging and waiting... for those MM/MW who still go back to their spouses, what goes thru the mind of the OW/OM can be quite sickening. what if they're still intimate with their spouses ? they can tell us one story, but its not exactly verifiable, isn't it ? what then, is love ? There are MANY reasons why a MW/MM won't leave a marriage for an OM/OW. Fear of the unknown, kids, finances, reputation, etc. Plus, why would the MW/MM leave the marriage if the OW/OM is willingly involved already? Sometimes the OW/OM actually makes a bad marriage bearable and will prolong a bad marriage for that reason. I'm don't think it is ever the intention for a MW/MM to cause mental anguish (sure, in some sick cases, but not many). I think that they start out the affair to fulfill an unmet need and then get in over their heads. They probably never thought it would go so far. At that point, they are terribly confused and seem unable to make a decision about what they want. They may want both their spouse and their OM/OW. Yes, the MW/MM can tell the OM/OW anything she/he wants to say. Anything to keep OM/OW happy or at least satisfied enough to stick around.
MoonGirl Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Sometimes they do leave to make a legitmate relationship, therefore proving their love to their OW/OM. Yes, and I think this is especially true when the marriage is REALLY unbearable. If the marriage is tolerable, then I think it is less likely.
forbidden fruit Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Yes, and I think this is especially true when the marriage is REALLY unbearable. If the marriage is tolerable, then I think it is less likely. I agree my mm is always telling me his situation is not horrible. Is it the ideal situation -no, but is she unbearable and is it intolerable-absolutely not. He has a beautiful home, healthy children a good living and a rich wife, and the only thing he does not have is intimacy and sex-hence the affair. I can hear his little brain saying fill the void at any cost.
puddleofmud Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I am only speaking of "love" in general between partners. It may be about some chemistry but for the long term I tend to think it is more about shared common values. Chemistry is beautiful but transient, all else is in the day to day details. Shared values could be most anything... accepting one's partner's various frailties--which could be anything from being less "tidy around the house-hold", having different political views, a more or less standard of living, to having affairs. As long as the couple shares the same common values and consistently communicates and operates upon them; then that would seem to be the more successful relationship.
frannie Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 For the second part of your question, I'm not quite sure exactly what you're asking. Is it about feelings of being lied to about sex between the married couple..? Or just jealous feelings that they may still be intimate in that way..? if the person who is supposedly in love with you still goes back at night to the spouse, does he/she realise the strain on the other person ? lets not lie to ourselves. eventually, the question does arises. and you wonder if they are still intimate. and you get jealous. and you feel bad because you're not suppose to get those suspicions and feelings but you are. so ... where is the love ? Hmm well for me you're mixing up the two questions again. As I said, for me, someone may love you (in the 'feel love' sense) and yet do many (unloving) things that hurt you. That (for me) covers feeling love for someone and yet they get hurt. Read a few of my other responses tonight for some more insight on that (!) As for your 'where is the love' in the second part of this question... if you're putting yourself through so much jealousy and uncertainty... where is your love for yourself..? If you can't trust this person, or you're getting so hurt that you're in perpetual agony... then what about moving away from the situation..? Where is your love for yourself..? Why leave it all up to someone else..?
puddleofmud Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 "Where is your love for yourself..? Why leave it all up to someone else..?" hmmm, seems that this has tweeked my mind and will think about this this weekend. Thanks, Frannie! I needed that one!
SetMeFree Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 puddleofmud, I DEFINITELY second what you said. Frannie's ending sentence is quite powerful and will definitely give me lots to think about too. Frannie, you have such insightful replies on here, and your stories (along with many others) are really helping me move my life along in a positive direction, which for me means pulling away from my MM in order to take care of my emotional health
Author tinkerboy Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Where is your love for yourself..? Why leave it all up to someone else..? thank you frannie. that was most insightful. And i believe it helps a lot. thank you for your time in helping.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I can't give an opinion from the perspective of an OW/OM but I can give you my unrealistic, wistful, silly, idealistic perspective: Flashback and wistful memories: Love is when you're best friends and can spend unlimited amounts of time together without getting annoyed or bored. It's about the tenderness and the happiness of being whole with someone else. Trust, respect and honour between two people who have chemistry to burn. The willingness to give unselfishly to a reasonable limit. All or nothing baby.
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