visotech Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 She feels a bit insecure and would like me to iterate to her what attracts me to her. I tried thinking about it and I'm having a bit of trouble doing so without writing line after line of bull***** cliches. If anything her request seems to do two things, remind me how much I hate insecure women and really wonder why/if I do like her. Right now I have half a mind to write her a list of cliches and go as far as color coding them with highlighter, but I have a feeling she wouldn't take well to that, then again crazy insecure women might like that? Any words of wisdom?
Pink Amulet Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Here is one. Tell her you don't feel comfortable writing a sweet list about her because you are an a*shole who doesn't really like her all that much. Then wait for her to leave you and find someone with a heart.
johan Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I hate this kind of stuff. It's like homework. You should have asked her to do some math problems for you. I think it annoys me because I'd know that she would analyze everything I listed and ask stupid questions like "why did you list my ass at number 10? What about my eyes?? Why not my eyes?? And you forgot the sweater I bought you two years ago?!! YOU DON'T LOVE ME AT ALL!!! I can't believe you waited until line 110 to mention my personality!!! OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO BREAK UP!!!! WAAAAAA!!!!!! If my girl asks me to do this kind of thing or to take some kind of damn quiz I always refuse if I can. It's a trap.
Star Gazer Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Here is one. Tell her you don't feel comfortable writing a sweet list about her because you are an a*shole who doesn't really like her all that much. Then wait for her to leave you and find someone with a heart. YOWZA, where the heck did that come from?? Viso, have you asked her where the need for this list comes from?? Kinda weird... I mean, did she actually give you an assignment?! Odd.
IpAncA Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 If my girl asks me to do this kind of thing or to take some kind of damn quiz I always refuse if I can. It's a trap. Yep it is. Even if it is what they wanted to hear it's never enough.
Author visotech Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 I admit my wording is a bit harsh but the idea still stands, I don't think me spewing a numbered list of cliches will solve her problem. (Besides, I letter my lists ). I like her because I do, its not a list of particular things that she does its the whole package. For instance, I don't like my car because its fast, it has a good paint job, and is relativley new, I like it because its my car. Its a matter of the times we've shared together and the things we have done with eachother. Its the places we've gone, the people we've met, and the things we've learned. (So here is where I get in trouble with the other half of the forum members, I just compared a woman to my car?).
Steaminx Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 If I was presented with that I'd just tell her right to her face how wonderful she is. If you can come up with things on the spot it'll make them weak in the knees and they'll love you more because they'll think you had been thinking about that all the time. I don't think i could write a list out. I'd have to show her some other way. I guess if you give your girl a few compliments everyday you can avoid this entire situation.
Pink Amulet Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 wonder why/if I do like her crazy insecure women might like that No wonder this poor girl is insecure. Everyone deals with their insecurities differently, she obviously needs your feelings re-affirmed (and rightly so evidently) for a particular reason. I hate mushy ****, but I can undertstand why some people like letters, and cutesy things of this nature to read back over when they are feeling down. It doesn't sound like a trap to me, why don't you just picture the way she was when she took your breath away- and describe it. If she never has please refer to my previous post.
Chamari Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Sad as it is, I'll admit that I can identify with your gf. I had a day where I just felt like everything in my life was going wrong and was really down and then I met up with my bf that evening and we got talking about stuff and it almost made me more depressed to realize how amazing and self-confident he was when I felt so hopeless. I really couldn't see how someone like him could possibly be interested in me, messed up as I am. And I wound up asking him why he liked me. I felt bad about asking but I really needed some reassurance that he actually like me and I wasn't just someone to pass the time with while he waited for a better girl to come along. Maybe your gf feels something like this. If so, I'd really advise that you try to come up with just a reason or two that you like to spend time with her. The cliches might be the easiest answer for you but it will mean a lot more to her if you take the time to recognise a few of the other reasons that you like her. My bf said something about how he liked the way I think about things, how I handle them, the way I treat people, and how he thought I was beautiful. I've got to admit that the thing that helped me the least was being told that he thought I was beautiful because that's something that I don't have much control over. Besides, while I appreciate the compliment, beauty is something that can change over time while my personality and my actions are something that I can control and that will be with me for the rest of my life. If you care about this girl at all I would hope that you could find a few things that stand out that you really like about her. It may be tough on you to be with her when she's insecure, but if you care about her please be sensitive! It can be really hard sometimes when you feel like you're not sure how you fit into the world. Maybe she needs to try therapy--that's what I'm trying right now. I broke up with my bf partially because it wasn't fair to him that my insecurities were making me doubt that he really like me. I know it's stupid to think like that--your gf probably does too--but it's really hard to stop.
Noos Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 This is an issue about her self-esteem and, whatever you say on that list, the boost and sense of peace she gets from it will not last very long. Then she'll want more, new reasons and hey, they're not infinite are they? Tear it up, reassure her, and ask her why she needs you to do something so silly. She really has self-esteem issues that she needs to address, perhaps through therapy.
Chamari Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 This is an issue about her self-esteem and, whatever you say on that list, the boost and sense of peace she gets from it will not last very long. Then she'll want more, new reasons and hey, they're not infinite are they? Tear it up, reassure her, and ask her why she needs you to do something so silly. She really has self-esteem issues that she needs to address, perhaps through therapy. I don't know about telling her that it's silly. That could just make her think he's avoiding it because he can't come up with anything and if she's really having self-esteem issues then that's REALLY not going to help. Talking to her about why she feels she needs a list might be a good idea though.
johan Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 My sarcastic response earlier was just a way of saying that insecurities can generally not be fixed by lists someone else creates. She should think about making a list of her own of the things she thinks you should love about her. And maybe that alone would make her feel better, but maybe not. But you could always discuss her list with her. When it comes to things like this, she needs to take responsibility for her own feelings. Maybe she should also consider whether you're meeting her needs. She does need to feel that you love her, but you may already be showing her your love. An insecure person will explain good things away in order to make them look bad. My ex would sometimes ask me probing questions and then insist on watching my eyes while I answered. I remember the feeling of being interrogated. That's not a loving way to behave. And she's my ex.
norajane Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 She feels a bit insecure and would like me to iterate to her what attracts me to her. I'm going to disagree with the others and say this isn't about her self-esteem. It's about understanding what your relationship is about, what she is to you, what is compelling about this relationship to you. I sometimes wonder the same thing about my bf. I know I am attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, generous, successful, kind, blah, blah. ANY man would find me attractive for those reasons. And there are many other women who have all those same qualities that he could be with, so what is it about me and our relationship that "gets him". What I want to know is what is special about our relationship to HIM. What is it that makes me special to HIM. What is it that I "do" for him that keeps him coming back to me no matter what (and I don't mean "do" as in back rubs or making dinner - I mean "do", like on the inside, what he gets out of our relationship). If I ask myself that question about him, it has a lot to do with the way he makes me know I am special to him. That I know I can tell him anything, and I know he will be there for me anytime I need him to. That he is "strong enough to be my man" and man enough be loving. That we are capable of an emotional intimacy that goes along with the physical intimacy that I haven't ever had with anyone. I don't think this has to do with her self-esteem necessarily - maybe it does, you know her best. I think it has to do with wondering what her "hold" on you is, what the draw is, what the appeal is, the meaning.
Pink Amulet Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Nora- that is what I was trying to say in a more abrupt way
norajane Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Nora- that is what I was trying to say in a more abrupt way I know - I thought I'd try to get it across in a different way...
Trialbyfire Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 If I was presented with that I'd just tell her right to her face how wonderful she is. If you can come up with things on the spot it'll make them weak in the knees and they'll love you more because they'll think you had been thinking about that all the time. I don't think i could write a list out. I'd have to show her some other way. I guess if you give your girl a few compliments everyday you can avoid this entire situation. Bang on. Whether you gents know this or not, the average woman pays you numerous compliments but you accept it as just due. Far be it for her to expect some back because this makes her insecure...
magichands Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Its a matter of the times we've shared together and the things we have done with eachother. Its the places we've gone, the people we've met, and the things we've learned. There's your list. If you can't put your finger on something specific, then she is just a vanilla warm body to fill a hole. Or maybe it's you filling the hole. Whatever. She's not insecure. She's just asking you to prove that you're not full of sh*t.
konfuzd Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I worry that when someone asks for something in writing that they intend to use it against you later. Maybe that's just my business side talking.
kimba Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 tell her to go and have a look at the post about narcissism. Tell this idiot where to go!!! What sort of person asks you to write such a list.????????????????????????? I wouls take this as a warning that she is going to be way too needy later on in the relationship and get out NOW!!! RUN!!!!!!
princessa Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I think it annoys me because I'd know that she would analyze everything I listed and ask stupid questions like "why did you list my ass at number 10? What about my eyes?? Why not my eyes?? And you forgot the sweater I bought you two years ago?!! YOU DON'T LOVE ME AT ALL!!! I can't believe you waited until line 110 to mention my personality!!! OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO BREAK UP!!!! WAAAAAA!!!!!! Hahahahah thanks for the laughs
sixthchick Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I like her because I do, its not a list of particular things that she does its the whole package. True why can't sum of us girls figure that out? I have for sure it's alot easier to think so.
confucious Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 OP - I will assume that: You DO love your girlfriendthat the two of you have been together a decent amount of timeYou want her to be happy, andthat there ARE things about her (other than her @ss) that you cherish.Assuming these are all true, and being that you feel it is a bit "homework" like to write this list, perhaps you could instead... A) write a list of things you do like (Ie: how you love that special feeling you get when you wake with her beside you - makes you feel like everything is okay in the worlkd cause she is there beside you etc etc...obviously your list will be different) and choose ONE from the list. B) write this one down on a simple scrap of paper, sign and write anything else you feel like ie: love you, hope you're smiling, can't wait to see you etc. C) put paper in coat pocket or purse, somewhere she will find it when she is on the bus, getting to work etc. D) repeat or switch up however if wanted I guarantee this will make her day AND help you avoid writing this list - if she asks about a list again you can tell her a couple things in person and let her know you would rather show her how you feel...take what seems a chore and have FUN with it. The light in her eyes will be well worth it. It will be well worth it for the two of you in OTHER places too - !!! hehehehe - or you could write it in bullets, alphabetize, and fax it to her at work.
serial muse Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I'm going to disagree with the others and say this isn't about her self-esteem. It's about understanding what your relationship is about, what she is to you, what is compelling about this relationship to you. I sometimes wonder the same thing about my bf. I know I am attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, generous, successful, kind, blah, blah. ANY man would find me attractive for those reasons. And there are many other women who have all those same qualities that he could be with, so what is it about me and our relationship that "gets him". What I want to know is what is special about our relationship to HIM. What is it that makes me special to HIM. What is it that I "do" for him that keeps him coming back to me no matter what (and I don't mean "do" as in back rubs or making dinner - I mean "do", like on the inside, what he gets out of our relationship). If I ask myself that question about him, it has a lot to do with the way he makes me know I am special to him. That I know I can tell him anything, and I know he will be there for me anytime I need him to. That he is "strong enough to be my man" and man enough be loving. That we are capable of an emotional intimacy that goes along with the physical intimacy that I haven't ever had with anyone. I don't think this has to do with her self-esteem necessarily - maybe it does, you know her best. I think it has to do with wondering what her "hold" on you is, what the draw is, what the appeal is, the meaning. I'm with NJ on this one (and Pink Amulet). I've wondered the same thing with my BF, and it has everything to do with how he communicates with me - he tends to take a sort of knee-jerk, pessimistic attitude about things when he's feeling down, and I doubt he even hears himself when he says complaining things. I know he loves me, and I know he thinks plenty of positives - but I don't always have a solid grip on what they are. So, at times, I tell him I want him to balance this grousing with the positives, so that I can know what he really thinks about things, what he values about us, and when he's just kvetching about life - and yet he (like many guys, I think) feel that I should just know how he feels about me simply because he's with me. Not so, gentlemen. Sometimes, it's worth reiterating what you think your connection with your GF is all about, and what it's based on. Those words can be a powerful thread that connects you. And it's nice to have that to link back to when you need it. It's not a trap at all. In fact, it's the opposite - think of it this way. You hear men often complain that a woman wants him to read her mind. But she doesn't; she's asking you, in a very direct, honest manner, to meet an important need she has. She's not playing any games, she's being up front. She's handing it to you on a silver platter. Value that. Bang on. Whether you gents know this or not, the average woman pays you numerous compliments but you accept it as just due. Far be it for her to expect some back because this makes her insecure... Not saying this is always true, but I think it's often enough true to be something to think about in this situation. OP, does your girlfriend often tell you specific things she likes about you? If so, I don't see the big deal about returning the favor (instead of chastising her for asking you to reciprocate, which is pretty crappy).
Spinderella Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 i agree with nora jane and pink amulet and magic hands, its about working out what this is, and whether to continue investing her heart in it aswell. sometimes "i love you" seems so easy to say, and doesnt hold alot of meaning, but if somebody can tell you why you evoke those feelings it seems more personal somehow. also knowing that you share a spark that both of you feel. i dont like to invest my emotions into a relationship where i dont feel appreciated, its really not worth it to me.
Recommended Posts