The curse of getting what you wish for...

[Tomcat33]

Well for of all I'd like to apologise for abandoning the my post for so many days, and I'd like to thank everyone who has contributed to share their points of view. I would firstly like to give an update on what's been happening since my last post.

 

We had a three day session of chatting regarding this matter at points we faught at others there were silent periods and other points we talked things out. Bottom line is that we decided that if we are going to move forward we needed to think forward, not past. But in order to do that I asked him to acknowledge that fact that he hurt me unecessarily, that his lack of empathy towards my situation was what killed me most moreso than the fact that I was deeply hurt by knowing our relationship would not be. So he took a step back and gev be everything I was asking for, he recognized that his actions were hurtful and that he was so busy trying to clean up his act on his end and acting out of desperation that he really did neglect my side of things. That said we decided we were going to move forward and take things one day at a time to rebuild trust. We spent an amazing weekend together we went out we did our saturday night project together, we watched the Oscars everything has just perfect. As perfect as things can be. There is no talk of the "other" stuff but the road to come will be a trying one in that I know I will not rest assured until I see some action on his part for a definite split, and I am not seeing that right now. I don't want to become the same old broken record but it's a concern, it's reminer of patterns past, I've been there done that and got the T-Shirt and quite frankly I am quite cautious to feel pain again.

 

Now to respond to some of the posts:

 

OE - One of the very first posts I read on here was one of yours, it was in regards to how to go from OW to W or something along those lines and it taught women self respect even in a not so selfrepecting situation as being an OW. Well I have that post saved on my files at home and I ferquent it when I doubt why I had been doing things etc. And when I saw that you came out to respond to this thread I felt a real sense of excitement given that I thought you were no longer around..an anamoly of sorts given how you worded things and that you had actually succeeded in ending with the man.

But I have to admit that while there is great truths to your words, you do have way of making things sound cut and dry and somewhat simple. Like emotions don't play a part in how you decide to act.

For example you say:

 

Here is the thing: If you want this man in your life and he comes through 100% you MUST bury the hatchet 100%. Whatever "you have been through" you chose to go through by being in such a relationship. You must take a deep breath, and think "Big Picture". As far as I can surmise, the long-lasting marriages, built on a foundation of love but going through their own ups and downs, maintain that kind of outlook. No grudges and resentments that are going to eat through everything.

 

While I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying you must take into account my story and the facts in my original post in that the mistrust was created by him, yes I chose to engage in this type or rel. but he mislead me right until the end and then dumped me unnanaounced right when things were seemingly at a turning point for the good. That's enough to shatter anyone's core/trust regardless of how willing I might be to make the past go away and "burry the hatchet"

 

If he takes the action to divorce his wife to be with and marry you how much more do you expect from a man? Is that not enough for you to understand how far he has come and he has traveled a difficult road for the ultimate sake of a future with you?

 

At such a point you have to Rise Above It All and focus, as I said, on what is important. Away with the resentments, pettiness, hurt feelings, little-girlness. If you do not, you will kill your relationship, period.

 

 

Again, while this is great in theory the word IF is the operative word in my situation in particular. IF he gets the much awaited divorce then I am more than ready to burry the hatchet as you suggest as many would suggest. In the mean time I am somewhat back to square one in that I am putting all my trust in a man who is back living on his own with (according to him) no more contact with his ex wife but there are no talks of a divorce or any "next steps" As he claims, he does not want to rock the boat anymore because he knows that she is deeply hurt right now and does not want to hurt her even more with talks of D, so he wants to give it a while until he can approach her/the situation. But while this may be certainly true and I must be the bigger person to acept the situation for what it is, and be supportive the side of me that his burned many times before has a hard time dealing with this in a mature and postitive manner.

 

I think unless one has had experience with this type of relationship it is very difficult to deal with because it is so new, we lack the past experience and there are more than two people involved in the mix. It's like learning about love for the first time. How good were we the first time we date in our LTR, we were as good as our characters were eductated to be.

 

I find it extremely hard to play in absolutes in these types of scenarios because every case is so different and so many variables are in between we CANNOT say, all men are liars and won't leave because they are cake eaters and all OW are tramps. It's simply NOT TRUE.

 

I am going to continue with more responses on the next entry post...

[Tomcat33]

Norajane:

 

The thing is, if he never acknowledges her pain, and that he caused it by dumping her without notice and going back to his wife, and that he hurt her in the first place, I don't know that it really is possible to let go of the hurt. The resentment will build if he won't admit he did any wrong.

 

An apology that shows he recongnizes her feelings would go a long way, I think. If he can't admit that he did something hurtful, then he can't see beyond himself, and it's a sign that he very well could do other things to hurt her in the future and won't even acknowledge he did them.

 

I could not have put it better myself. I think this is more realistic given my particular situation. I am not talking about a scenario where by my MM is now dicrovced and he has done some things along the way to hurt me but he is with me today, lovingly, willingly and divorced and I am looking to rehash old stuff, stuff that is neither relevant nor healthy to rehash given my current conditions. NO, this is not my current situation. My current situation or at least in the time of posting this thread, was a man who opted no for the marriage, moved out again, called me up we picked up with major excitement but no talk had taken place of the great pain he had caused me when he flip-flopped on me last minute, when he dumped me without explanation, when he failed to face the music even if his intention WAS to quit the relationship with me.

 

So given that, you are absolutely right there is no way I can move on with a man who fails to see a side other than his own selfish one. Nor would I want to be involved with someone that selfish because as you said NJ he will find a way to manifest this type of attitude somewhere down the line. And THESE are the things one should look out for when engaging in a relationship with someone. The problem is that often we fail to see the red flags because the in-love feeling happens before the true assessment is made on the person we are falling in love with. I am bding cautious in the next period I am about to embark in because this is going to be my examination period to see who he really is, what this man is really about. I owe it to myself to not go into it blindly for the next while, and no that does not mean constantly rehashing pain from the past but it DOES mean taking things with caution studtying his moves from a closer prespective.

I know this sounds calculated but I have always been of the idea we should not trust other 100% the minute you do you don't allow yourself the opportunity to think the other is human and when we think another is subhuman then there is 0 room for error. I think that is a silly way to live, for me at least. Romatically speaking we are all capable of falling in love with other people, trusting our partners and ourselves 100% is saying to oneself "I can do no harm....regardless there is no way my partner would ever fall in love with someone else" I just don't beleive in that.

So given this philosophy there is no way I can just let bygones be bygones when there is all this understated turmoil and unfinnished business that needs to be resolved to move forward.