insomnie Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 My boyfriend and I had a fight yesterday that left both of us really angry. We are horrible at dealing with conflict and it takes both of us a long time to "get over it" so I am wondering what we could have done/said differenlty to prevent it from getting out of hand. There is a narrow 2-mile cave in our town that neither of us has been to, and we had plans to go this weekend. I was really looking forward to this. Then yesterday he tells me that he doens't want me to go and is going with his friends instead. His reason: he's afraid I'm not strong enough to make it. Now, this pissed me off because I was really looking forward to dong this with him, especially since it would have been both our first times. I am also in great shape and I think i WOULD have been able to finish the cave. Also, I don't see why we couldn't just do a part of it if it turned out I couldn't go on after...there are several places in the cave to turn around. The whole situation just reminded me of our past conflicts, which had a lot to do with him separating me from his friends and interests. I brought this up, and right away HE got mad and called me ungrateful. He said I was sooo hard to please, that he had been very inclusive of me in ALL parts of his life for the past two months and any time something doens't go my way I get mad at him. He's right about the fact that he HAS been inclusive...but this is a new development. I guess two months just doens't negate three years of exclusion in my head, and I still don't see why I can't come. Anyway...after he called me ungrateful he left the room and started playing a video game. I packed up my stuff and told him I saw going home...his repsonse: why don't you try tlaking to me for once instead of just leaving. WTF...he was the one who ended the conversation. Instead of going home, I went to Taco Bell and got dinner since he'd mentioned how ungrateful I was basically for eating his food...and then I went back to his place to talk to him. Nothing was resolved really...we both apologized. I still don't see why I can't come...and on top of that this brought out some strong negative feelings in me relating to abandonment. The thing is, he broke up with me about 2 months ago for two months...and I guess I am still not over having been dumped and the fact that in our time away he hung out with two of his exgf's. I brought this up too...but he kind of skirted away from the conversation, basically saying that he was "really unhappy" when we broke up, things are fine now, and I should just be happy. But...I just can't find it in myself to be happy when things like this go unresolved and when he will skirt around any coflict that we have. I feel like HE feels any time we disagree or have any kind of argument, it is enough reason to break up...so I am left feeling SO insecure and completley incapable of presenting my point of view. Any thoughts? How do I resolve these issues with him?
Raleuse Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 But this will up your thread. I'll just say I think it's mainly a case of miscommunication (not many men communicate well). You have hinted at abandonment issues and are bound to see rejection where he just sees freedom (we all need a bit of time with our friends). But I'm too entangled in the same kinds of feelings to be helpful.
brokenhart2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 It would hack me off if we had plans to do something together, only for him to turn around and say he's going with his friends instead. It's understandable that guys need time with their friends or whatever, (girls do, too)...the point is you have been involuntarily discluded from something you were originally supposed to be a part of. If he didn't want you to go, he should have thought of that before making plans with you...that's my opinion... maybe you 2 should plan a time for you to sit down with eachother over dinner, (or what ever setting you prefer), and calmly/maturely take turns discussing what makes you happy and unhappy in the relationship. Take the unhappy things and discuss how you might be able to resolve them. Decide together if these things are even resolvable. If he isn't willing to do this with you, dump him cuz that would make me personally feel like he didn't give 2 s**** about us.
confucious Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I went through this kind of things for 7 months with a woman I thought was fantastic. There were numerous occasions in which she would, out of the blue, change plans on me and INFORM me as if I were a child not deserving of consultation, apology, explanation etc. It upset me all the more that she would not even acknowledge that ditching, and her METHOD of ditching me, (which is essentially what it was) was wrong. the way I see it, a partner is supposed to be someone you can trust implicitly - this kind of thoughtless action followed with anger at you because his thoughtlessness (rightfully) upsets you smacks of emotional abuse...I know that is a strong term, but he is blatantly in the wrong (If the two of you HAD planned and were looking forward to going) and puts it all on YOU when you get upset. What this serves to do is "train" you to not get upset with him. It says "I can do what I want, when I want based solely on MY judgement. If you have a problem with that it is not because of me, it is because of you. You are flawed, and needy, why can't you just..." etc etc. I got out of things with her and after two weeks was indescribably happy. Unfortunately it is not so easy for you - three years of love etc. Since I don't know everything about you guys I may be off the mark. I DO know I'd be upset if I were in your shoes. Good luck to you!!
Walk Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Tell him the real reason you were so pissed off. He made a unilateral decision about your capabilities. He didn't consult you in making new plans. He didn't comprimise. He didn't ask. He didn't WORK WITH YOU. Leave out the words selfish, or immature.. keep it civil. But bring it up. If you drop this and let it go, then chances are it will build up and the next argument will be bigger, until you two do finally split. But find the big main point, and talk about that. Leave all the rest of the garbage at the door. You wanted him to include you in on the decision. He didn't. What can BOTH of you do to ensure that doesn't happen again. p.s. He seems to love you. He won't leave you if you're presenting yourself calmly and level headedly. Discuss this with him. If he gets off track and starts in about how he assumed, or your a such and such.. pull it back on to the main topic again, and ask that he stick to the problem. Keep it on track. Keep calm, and keep focused. You can't stop him from leaving... but you can ask him to help you make this the best relationship the both of you can make it. If you're afraid he'll leave if you ask for that.... then he isn't worth being with in the first place. kid or no kid.
Porn_Guy Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Instead of going home, I went to Taco Bell good choice....I like the burrito supreme and soft tacos with the fire sauce. yum
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