TheSweetestThing Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 i have been with my bf off and on for 3 years this march. just recently we started talking again and asked me if i still wanted to marry him. i said yes because it has been so long we have been with each other. but now i am starting to have second thoughts. hes planning for our "future", but i havent seen any results. i love him with all my heart but sometimes i feel that he doesnt really care about my feelings. i mean we talk about serious things and issues that couples should discuss as far as life planning, but i feel that there is something not right. you can tell when someone is genuinely interested in you and when they are in it just for themselves. but what does he want from me? it makes me sick to my stomach to think about breaking up with him and not having him in my life. i just wanted to know if there is something wrong with me. no matter what he does i will always feel the same way about him. but he isnt good for me. what do i do? should i follow my heart or leave it alone?
Krytellan Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Saying what you want to hear takes no effort and little time. You need to pay more attention to the actions. Actions take thought, effort, and time. These are the things that let you know what someone is truly thinking. If he can't follow through with action, then there si nothing there for you. Too many times we continue relationships out of convenience. I would ask you if you two were married, what would be different right now, besides your last name and the inability for you to just walk away?
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 well his actions confuse me. i told them sometimes he puts it out there that he is scared of being with me. he claims he isn't but i am not so sure. sometimes he follows through and sometimes he doesnt. true it is a convenience for me. we pretty much grew up together. our families are friends. right now we do not live together and do not have sex because of moral reasons, and that is one thing i think will change our lives dramatically. we have talked about having children and how we would raise them, so that would be another change. i would think that after you get married your love for your mate grows stronger everyday. we want to have a family and also have deep respect for each other. but i cant seem to shake it that i am afraid of being disappointed.
Krytellan Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 i would think that after you get married your love for your mate grows stronger everyday. we want to have a family and also have deep respect for each other. DING! We have our problem. First of all, you really need to talk to some married people about this one. Being married affects your relationship until the honeymoon ends and you are left with the exact feelings you are typing at this moment. Having children STRESSES a relationship, and unless you have a firm (that means real, meaningful, and compassionate) foundation for each other, it will likely tear you apart even more. I'm not knocking you, but what age are you two?
Star Gazer Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Originally Posted by TheSweetestThing i would think that after you get married your love for your mate grows stronger everyday. we want to have a family and also have deep respect for each other.DING! We have our problem. First of all, you really need to talk to some married people about this one. Being married affects your relationship until the honeymoon ends and you are left with the exact feelings you are typing at this moment. Having children STRESSES a relationship, and unless you have a firm (that means real, meaningful, and compassionate) foundation for each other, it will likely tear you apart even more. I'm not knocking you, but what age are you two? I partially disagree with you, K. Her desire/expectation to have her love for her mate grow stronger everyday is not unreasonable, and IMHO should be expected. While I agree that having children stresses a relationship, it should NOT affect the amount of LOVE the two people have for one another. The happiest couples I know agree with TST - that they are amazed each day by their ability to love their spouse MORE than they did the day before... it only continues to grow. We should look for that person who we love more and more everyday. That said, it seems that TST hasn't had her love for her BF grow at ALL... therein lies the problem.
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 well i hope some mature married people respond. im lost at this point in my life.... im not all excited about the honeymoon because that isnt what i am getting married for. i want to spend my life with him. i can understand how children can put a strain on a couple because they have this other little person to take care of. i have asked him would he be emotionally stable to take care of a child within the first year of our marriage IF it happens, and he said he would be. as far as age, i will be 22 in a few weeks and he wont turn 22 until a couple months. and i welcome the "knocking"...i need it
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 That said, it seems that TST hasn't had her love for her BF grow at ALL... therein lies the problem. i dont want to sound young and dumb, but what are you basing this reasoning on?
Star Gazer Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 i dont want to sound young and dumb, but what are you basing this reasoning on? Um.... the following statements: i have been with my bf off and on for 3 years - "Off and on" = not a solid, growing relationship. i said yes because it has been so long we have been with each other. - This is a relationship of convenience, and fear of moving on to find what you really want. but now i am starting to have second thoughts. - You wouldn't be having second thoughts if every single day you woke up and loved him MORE than the day before. i havent seen any results. - You're looking for more, not feeling it. sometimes i feel that he doesnt really care about my feelings. - How can your love GROW for someone who you believe doesn't care about your feelings? but i feel that there is something not right. - Is it obvious where I got this idea from yet? he isnt good for me. - Ummm...should be clear by now...I hope.
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 well, if you put it that way... i would do anything for him. maybe thats why i think i love him so much. ive stayed around this long. isnt that what love is? having deep feelings for someone unconditionally?
Star Gazer Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 well, if you put it that way... i would do anything for him. maybe thats why i think i love him so much. ive stayed around this long. isnt that what love is? having deep feelings for someone unconditionally? First, YOU are the one who "put it that way." YOUR feelings are revealing the truth to you here. Secondly, no - there is no such thing as romantic unconditional love. Unconditional love is reserved for parent-child and other non-romantic relationships. Finally, you sound as though you feel like you owe him something... "you've stayed around this long," etc. ... Keep in mind that sometimes love just isn't enough.
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 understanding...trust...the whole nine...i know.... i dont feel like i owe him anything. andi am not "staying around" because because of that. i just want him in my life but i dont know how its going to work. i feel like im running away or maybe not seeing things right. maybe im paranoid because of what has happend to me in the past. but i dont want to base that on whats going on in my life now.
ZakattackZzZ Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 dont break up with him! hes the one it happens to every one they get so stressed becuase this pressure was never put on them before some people even think like ur thinking on the day in the church but restassure dont break up it s just some stress phobia!
ZakattackZzZ Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 and secondly ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS follow your heart!! it is the upmost important thin to do neverEVER EVER leave it alone
Krytellan Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 and secondly ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS follow your heart!! it is the upmost important thin to do neverEVER EVER leave it alone I had my suspicion on another post, but now I MUST know. Hold old are you Zak?
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 I had my suspicion on another post, but now I MUST know. Hold old are you Zak? not how old...this guy is unstable. i ve read them too - not a normal person. thnx again to those who acually "care" and want to give good advice. i still welcome more...
Walk Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 When I was mid twenties, my bf (at the time) proposed to me. I swear I could've written your post at the time. I loved him dearly, couldn't envision my life without him, but at the same time... there were problems in the relationship that I wasn't happy with. Nothing so wrong that it was an obvious decision of leaving, but little things that combine to leave the impression that he didn't really consider my feelings when he did things. Anyway... I married him. 3 years later I left him. It got worse and worse. It seemed like once I became his wife, then he no longer had to worry about me ever leaving. He got pretty selfish, and we'd argue a lot. He'd say he understood where I was coming from, but always had these reasons for why he did whatever it was. Logical reasons for it... but still left me feeling like he really didn't think about how I felt about it, but what he wanted. Just an overwhelming feeling that he wanted what he wanted, and I was secondary to those things. I don't know what to tell you as far as following your heart. The one thing I can tell you though... Look at both paths, decide if you would regret one or the other more, and then take the one you would've regretted not taking. Live your life so that if you look back you won't have any reason to regret your decisions. Even if that decision was the hardest one you've ever made, it's worth it in the long run. And no matter what you choose to do, marriage or not... understand that no one has all the answers, and you're making the best decision you can right now. Learn from them and keep trying your best. If you do that, then no matter what you choose, you'll end up in a good place. Whether that's married and happy, divorced and happy, whatever... Its not really about the path you choose. It's how you choose it that makes the difference. p.s. I don't regret marrying my ex at all. I'm very happy I have the memories I do have of the time we spent together. And I don't regret leaving him either. Both decisions were hard, but I made the best ones I knew how to make, and I learned a lot from both of them.
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 thank you walk for ur advice. i read your reply over and over and it really got me thinking. i guess now i have to focus on what life will be like regardless if i marry him or not. once that step is taken, there is no turning back. one question i have for you...i dont mean to get personal. but the problems that you were having, where they ones that could be worked out or ones that were just unexcusable on both your parts? and why do you think he married you?
Walk Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 one question i have for you...i dont mean to get personal. but the problems that you were having, where they ones that could be worked out or ones that were just unexcusable on both your parts? I'm not sure how to describe the problems... uhm... like.. the house we lived in needed repairs, and we got a loan from the bank to do them. But then he'd find a sale on some tools that he "just couldn't pass up" and spend some of the money. Stuff that we probably could've lived without and been just fine, but also that he could use on occasion... but he never would ask how *I* felt about it first. It was money we'd agreed would be spent specificallly on getting new windows for the house, someone else was installing them, and he didn't need new tools to get new windows.. but he still spent the money so there was less for "Us". Little stupid things like that, over and over. Like... we had a small table that set next to the bed, he always had to have it on his side of the bed. I didn't have anything next to my side and no matter how often I said I wanted something, we never seemed to have the money for it, or he didn't like it, or whatever reason. So I ended up getting one from my brother for free, and it was really cute and sturdy, and put it on my side of the bed. We'd been sleepign on the same sides of the bed for 4 years... suddenly he has to switch sides with me so that he can use the bedside table *I* got for myself. Nothing hugely wrong with the relationship. Just little stuff over and over. When we had arguments, they were textbook quality for "how you should argue" effectively. We never yelled, always gave each other turns to speak. Each used the "I feel" and "I believe you're saying..." statements. We had fun together and had so much in common it was kind of eerie. Same type of family backgrounds and social-economic type class. Same educational background. Same beliefs, same thought process, same sense of humor. Overall, we were extremely compatible. Just that one nagging problem that made me feel like he thought first of himself, and secondly about me. and why do you think he married you? 'Cause I'm awesome. haha. j/kidding. Serious: I'm torn between the fact that he really loved me but his little selfish tendencies were so ingrained into him that they came out subconsciously in his actions. Or possibly, (and I lean toward this one) part of me feels he wanted to marry me because he feared losing me. Because I boosted his ego and made him feel like he possessed something valuable that others wanted. Which would also fit into my theory that he was more selfish than he initially showed while dating. If he ultimately was selfish, then he would want to keep whatever he felt others wanted. And by marrying me, he would "own" me. And he wanted to possess things, not just appreciate them as they were. There were a lot of control issues in my marriage that didn't exist while we were dating. And after marriage, the "little" selfish things became Huge things that couldn't be overlooked or swept under the rug anymore. (for instance... I sold my house, and he used that money to pay off his credit card bill, get his truck fixed, and buy a motorcycle. My car needed repairs, and I owed on a credit card. He didnt' even think to set money aside for that. Nor did he bother to ask what I wanted to do with the money. He just spent it on what he wanted.) Sorry this was so long.... Just one last thing. Talk to your bf about what he envisions marriage to be after the ceremony. Talk about it indepth and until you two are blue in the face. Every little aspect you can think of, from money sharing, to day to day life, to sex, to in-laws and holiday sharing schedules. I don't think I asked even a quarter as many questions as I should've asked before marrying my ex. I went in thinking we were so alike... only to find out we were very different in how we viewed things. Don't make assumptions. Ask him what he thinks about life after marriage, and how he see's finances, cars, possessions, spending time with friends, or time together. The more you ask, the more knowledge you'll gain. And the better decision you can make in the long run.
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 thank you again very much for your reply Walk. as i read your post, i am starting to see myself in a couple of years... i can see him doing things like u said your husband did. and i understand what you meant when you said that he has his "ego" to boost. i dont know what it is about men and their ego's. i was talking to a friend the other day about how men are more apt to be prideful. i see that in my bf sometimes. like the times he wouldnt tell me he was sick and once he didnt want to tell me he was having surgery because he didnt want to "worry" me. with the financial part, he always makes it seem like their will only be "our" money. i told him we will have that PLUS his own money and my own money. our money would be used for things we both can benefit from. he also said something about him buying "my" car. i dont want him to buy anything for me. i want to still have my own finances to be able to support myself. i dont know, maybe my independent spirit doesnt want to let go. or maybe i am seeing things the way i should be. whatever the case, i still need to focus on my life for the future with this man, think about things i can live with, things i cant do without. i just hope i dont make the wrong decision
Walk Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 i dont know, maybe my independent spirit doesnt want to let go. or maybe i am seeing things the way i should be. whatever the case, i still need to focus on my life for the future with this man, think about things i can live with, things i cant do without. i just hope i dont make the wrong decision I don't think you'll make a "wrong" decision no matter what you decide. Just make the best one you can. And I would counsel that you hold off on marriage with him until the two of you can come to some mutual agreements. Take the time right now to make sure there's a solid foundation to the relationship. Marriage won't do it for you, it just magnifies whatever problems exist once you do marry. Don't rush into it thinking things will sort themselves out. As far as sharing the money... I might be convined to try that again somewhere in the future. But my exh felt that what was mine was his, and what was his was his. And ironically, he never had much money yet ended up with so much stuff. Point is.. if I have a good understanding with my current partner, and we are both willing to find ways to resolve any problems *I* may have (or him) then I'd be happy to share a bank account again. But I won't do it if my partner can't comprimise with me, or even address my fears with anything other than "but this is the way it works when married". I want rational, logical ideas for how to resolve concerns or problems. Not statements that guilt me into it, or sound like "my way or the highway" concepts.
Author TheSweetestThing Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 the more i read, the more my head keeps saying "no, no, no"... i dont want to make a wrong decision, because in life there are no bad decisions, just bad choices. i meant to say make a bad choice, but i have to decide in some way what i am going to do. and i am not trying to rush the marraige. if anything, i want to make sure that everything is in the right place before i make that big step. i thought i was just trying to run away from the whole thing. i am not afraid of commitment, but i think my bf is. that is why i am thinking we havent gotten any further in our relationship, not that it's all his fault. sometimes i think things will get better after we do the whole marriage thing. my heart is in the wrong place right now. i fall hard, and with my bf, i broke every bone in my body...*figuratively speaking* and i think like you, i have to have a reason why something is the way it is. i need that communication and understanding so that i know i am on the right page. but i was feeling i didnt have it. i guess its time to have "THAT" talk with him....
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