oppath Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 This is my biggest hangup, my relationship experiences are minimal, and they have gotten better over the past couple years, but I don't have the experience and history to know that I will move on and find a better relationship. This prevents me from emotionally departing from my ex. It's never easy moving on, but my first adult love broke up with me, and kept me on a string a little bit afterwards. I'll neglect the story but let's just say I severely burned the bridge out of pride and ego. I regret it, but many people would have acted worse, and honestly, she has 50% blame in it. But as a result, I know there can never be a reconciliation (that's probably why I cut her out coldly, to force myself to detach and have no hope). Since I go many months, if not a year plus between anything resembling a potential relationship, it is rare that I feel intimacy or feel like I meet people I could fall in love with. I know I have better dating and relationship skils now than I did in the past, but I don't have the history of moving on and knowing I can form intimate bonds and attract someone loving into my life. I'm 27 and have LOT'S of time to date and form relationships, and I know I'll have more, but since the last time I felt like I was falling in love was 7 years ago, I'm really struggling, and it is difficult to not compare myself to my ex and other friends who have had many relationships. How can one truly feel confident when they haven't had the "resume" to back it up?
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 You just have to have faith and believe in yourself. That's pretty much that only way you can get over a failed relationship. I have one friend who has had so many relationships that it's almost ridiculous, but she is STILL devestated when a relationship ends. So I don't think experience can really make you develop a thick skin. It's just that some people have a thicker skin than others.
kitten chick Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I'm the exact same way. This is something that I'm really focusing on working on. I don't really have any answers for you but you're not alone. Some of us are just late bloomers or pickier or less conforming. I think people that love the way you do, love very differently than the people who are "in love" with everyone in their zillion relationships. Love means different things to different people. Just keep in mind that their version of love is probably more shallow than yours if they are in love with everyone in all of these relationships. Anyone can go out and date lots and lots of people but I have found the people who do this NEED to be with someone. Personally I think it's healthier to get into relationships less frequently rather than dating many people because you need to be with someone and conforming to that person.
Author oppath Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 How I love, is that as soon as I feel someone isn't the person for me long term, I end the dating relationship. So while I will date often at times in my life, I don't get involved. Unless I really like someone, I'll only be seeing them once a week and only a couple times. I don't develop feelings unless I can truly form an intimate bond. This is how I love, so when I love, I love deeply. My capacity to bond and experience a strong sense of love will ultimately lead me to fulfillment, but for the same reasons, following a loss, I experience greater emotional pain.
taylor Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Resume: Job Description: Finding and maintaining a lasting and meaningful relationship with the love of my life Qualifications: 1. An open, loving and giving heart ready, willing and able to love another person fully and completely. 2. Sound character traits including, but not limited to, integrity, maturity, honesty, trust, sensitivity, generosity, kindness, patience, responsibility, respect, stability, and humor 3. Ability to communicate openly and effectively 4. Ability to form social bonds and friendships 5. Ability to wisely choose potential love interests who are emotionally available and compatible in terms of maturity level, interests, values and goals. 6. Willingness to put time, effort, and commitment into relationship 7. Willingness to believe in myself and trust that the future brings good things to those who wait. **Oppath, Some people say love is a numbers game and they follow this philosophy. They meet alot of people, date alot of people, jump from one shallow, meaningless relationship to another, claiming to be "in love" each time. They have a long, long resume with alot of history and experience but no substance. In the end, what do they really have??? Other people hold out for the one true love who will touch their heart and soul and they will go long periods of time until they find someone they feel they can connect with on a deep and meaningful level. It can be a lonely journey but the pay-off is huge if they are patient enough and lucky enough to find "the one." The resume is short but profound. YOU WILL FALL IN LOVE AGAIN, oppath. You have the "resume" to do it. That's all you need now is the HOPE, FAITH and TRUST that it will happen. Give yourself time to heal. It will change your current outlook on your life and your future. When you are ready to love again with all your heart, love will find you. Sidenote: I remember my mom comforting me when I was practically paralyzed with grief over losing my first love last year. She told me, "You will fall in love again." The statement took me totally by surprise and I responded, "I will????" Of course I didn't believe her. It never dawned on me that I could actually feel that way again towards another person. And although I have not fallen in love again and don't see it happening any time soon (I'm still healing) I am slowly regaining the hope, faith and trust that it will happen again someday. I'm willing to wait for it.
Krytellan Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 And always remember that someone in your position has something that most people that are committed to someone else don't have. That is the ability to experience the butterflies of falling for someone and the excitement of new relationships. Don't discount how great that is.
Author oppath Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 Taylor you amaze me, really! You are right. My resume isn't the number of girlfriends I've had. I've developed great, lasting friendships with people of both genders, probably 2/3 of my friends are female (so I can connect with them), and I am all the attributes you mention. I know I will love again. I don't doubt I will enter relationships and eventually fall in love. The process it took this first time was challenging and lonely, but I was a late bloomer, and all I really missed out on were half-assed relationships that wouldn't have lasted. I still developed relationship skills, but I have a greater sense of self and individuality than I would have had a chosen a different path in my young adulthood. So yes, my "resume" will surely lead me to love and fulfillment. In the interim, I need to care for myself and learn what I can from my experiences. Sadly, I also suffer from depression and have on-and-off for years. It is a disease and I know how to combat it, but it makes break ups even more difficult. I never think thoughts like "I won't ever love again" because I know that's not true, but knowing I have been unhappy more times than I have been happy, I struggle. I want to make myself happy outside of a relationship. I do everything I can to make that happen. Unfortunately my recent breakup occured as I was slipping back into a depression; I think it kept me afloat because it gave me something positive to focus on. The good thing is, now that I don't have a relationship, I can focus on what has contributed to my depression, much of which is environment. I am making big changes (including a temporary work related move that will pay me $$$) to learn more about what I want in that area of my life. Relationships are on hold until I am healed. I don't even want to date (though if I meet someone I will ask them out casually). Perhaps I need to write my own resume!
thatmatt Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 oppath, I know what you mean. I am only 18, but am just getting over my first love, and the butterflies, and everything that I think really means you're in love. It's silly, i'm 18 and I was sitting here wondering if I would ever fall in love again, but I realized that was me thinking at the lowest point I have ever had, confidence wise as well as everything else in my life crashing, plus depression. You and I have very similar resumes, and I think it's interesting that 2 people 10 years apart can be in such similar situations. When I get discouraged about where i'm at, and whether there will be another love, it really helps my confidence and puts a spring in my step when I go through all the things I learned through my relationship. I hope this helped, your big change sounds just like the thing, it will be refreshing and I wish you the best of luck.
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