WHY am I not "getting this"-

[LMoney]

BF of a little less than a year and I moved very quickly...unfortuantly I don't think either of us were prepared for the whole moving in thing, etc. Needless to say he broke up with me 3 weeks ago after I "pushed him" to make a decision whether we were going to be together or not and out of the heated discussion made in my opinion a rash decision.

 

Anyway, so he moved out and has been out 3 weeks he is consistant in his message that "we are never going to get back together..ever", yet he still wants to be "friends" and he doesn't want to hurt me. I have asked him to talk to me and he said, its not going to change anything his mind is made up and he is not going back on his decision.

 

I have agreed to let it go; however asked that we meet on Sunday for me to get closure as I am still in love with him, and he me (whatever cop out). I really want him back, and have asked him if his "hugs and forhead kisses", etc are an attempt to play games or keep me on the back burner and he says.."no its over-period"........

 

So, my question is......if he loves me why won't he give us a second chance especially if he is seeing the things I am doing to work out the baggage in my life. And.....can I approach the subject on sunday from a "lets just hang out and see what happens- but no moving in or future plans at this point"??? I don't want to loose him....

[Guest]

Please read your tagline line over and over.

 

Closure is if you don't know why he left. He told you why. Now you need to find your own closure. What else can he say that would help you in that area? Closure is a process. You can start by not responding to the constant text messages.

 

I really get concerned when I hear people using it as an excuse for one last meeting hoping they will change their minds.

 

I think you are going about this all wrong. The more you struggle to hold onto someone the more they try to break free. Also acting this way is showing him the last thing you are doing is working on your baggage. All you are doing is convincing him he did the right thing. If he comes back it will be out of guilt and it won't last. That is why its important you do this right.

 

Go in there cool and calm, tell him you've thought about it and decided him leaving was the right thing to do and you need this time alone. That is the LAST thing he will be expecting. He's expecting a boo-hooing emotional woman and he's already putting up his defenses for the meeting.

 

I know you won't do that and will try to bargain with him (let's be friends). I hope you find the strength to stay strong when seeing him. You are not ready to be JUST friends. All of this contact is not helping you.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is go NC and let all of the emotional turmiol die down for now.

 

I know this isn't what you wanna hear. I know this might sound like a harsh post but I'm trying to get you to stop making all of the same mistakes I did and many others here have.

[LMoney]

Ugghh I know that just letting him go is the right thing to do; however, I truly do not believe that he will be back and that he is sitting and convincing himself that he was meant to be alone and a ton of other BS excuses. Here is the saddest an most pathetic thing: today I was talking with him and he was friendly and flirting and I did the worst thing...after he told me he was going to live by himself and date, etc I said well I agree and am glad you moved out I need to work on myself....but I do love you so what do you think about us just dating casually and of course dropped the worst thought since..yes the dreaded casual sex! UGGGH how humiliating..did I even say that outloud...I don't want to loose him so I determine I will be a backup booty call!

 

JESUS WHAT HE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! Today I did ask him, "do you love me" and he said yes very very much but I've made up my mind and your just making it harder on yourself...Why is he so adament about his decision......especially if he so loves me! Will he come back if I go NC or is this altogether just OVER.

[Starlight Starbright]

I am in a similar situation in that my ex-boyfriend broke up with me SOBBING saying he was still in love with me. This happened 4 weeks ago. I understand exactly how you feel. It is SOOOOOO difficult to rationalize - I keep thinking, well if he loves me, then why doesn't he want to be with me? My ex too, says he wants to remain friends, and does not want me out of his life forever. The first time he broke up with me was actually 5 weeks ago. I cried and begged so much (my first ever break up, I didn't realize what a bad idea that was) that I guilted him into getting back together to try and work things out. That lasted a week. Then he broke up with me again for good (this was the time that he sobbed). I have since realized that NO AMOUNT of persuasion on my part will get him back. Him and I are both going reduced contact to no contact because we have seen a couple of our good friends who remained in close contact for a year after breaking up and made each other miserable. They made each other sooo miserable, in fact, that I believe that they will never have a chance of getting back together, even though they both still have feelings for each other.

 

The couple of times that my boyfriend and I have talked since the breakup, he admits that he misses me and is not over me, but keeps reinforcing that he does not regret his decision, the same way your ex keeps reinforcing that you two will never be together again.

 

Now, I think either:

 

1. Maybe he isn't as sure deep down about his decision as he would like you to believe, but HE DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW because that would give you hope. He isn't ready to give you this hope. Right now, he wants to be broken up, and the more hope he gives you, the more you will stay in the picture, and not leave him alone to see things out on his own and come to a decision in his own time.

 

2. Maybe he really DOES truly believe what he is telling you right now, but maybe, with No Contact/Reduced Contact he will have a chance to miss you and change his mind, especially if he really does love you like he claims.

 

3. Maybe he believes what he means and will never change his mind.

 

In all cases, I guess the real option you really have is to give him time and space. This is what I am doing with my ex. I am on day 7 of NC. If our exes really truly do love us like they say, they will be back. If they don't come back, then their "so-called" love was all BS. It looks like both of us were dumped because we were a bit too clingy/needy. NC will show them that we don't need them after all. In the meantime, work on improving yourself like you have planned. Do it for you, not for him. Also, take this time to really sit and think if you really want to be with him. I have since realized that my ex had MANY problems and I am using this time and space apart to evaluate if I would even want to get back together with someone like him.

 

Good luck. We both need to stay strong.

[LMoney]

Starlight, yes, it does sound like we are in similar situations and it does hurt and is more than hard to understand and rationalize. This too is my first break up that someone else has initiated and WOW does the other end of it very much suck. I find myself unable to "just let go" and he is very clear in his message, maybe NC is the only way that he will truly miss me, etc. NC is hard for me since we still have so much still combined (checking acct and lease) but even when he is nice he makes it clear we are over in his little comments. Yesterday when talking to me, he actually told me that some girl at his work was flirting with her and when I asked what his response he said ohhh I flirt back, I can I am free....THAT broke my heart of course I said your right and that works both ways too.

 

I don't know he says some days he missess me while others he is fine with it all. So question, we have never "talked" he just has been the one laying down the law but this Sunday he has agreed to come and simply talk things over...course he says it won't change his mind.....is it even worth the time at this point? What would you do?

[oppath]

I think it IS worth the time. This is a chance to assert your boundaries. If is adamant about it being over, tell him you can't move on if he tells you he misses you, and you can't hear about him flirting with other girls, etc, because you need more time to heal. A face to face talk is a great way to assert this. But then go to no or limited contact. Sometimes limited contact is as good as no contact depending on the personalities involved.

[sueidaho]

Same situation then you two. First break up and he11 ya i was clingy. now I am doing complete NC for at least a month so that I can improve on myself because apparently something i did drove him away. Unlike you two I plan on trying to have a small coffee date with him after i do NC. I am going to try and attract him to me again. NOT seduce, attract. Which is showing him I have changed, not telling him. I can be fun, like I was at the beginning. And not going to bring up the relationship or getting back together or getting in an arguments.

 

I will be trying to casually date him until he brings up the relationship or I get some closure.

 

I don't NEED him in my life, but I do DESIRE him in it.

BTW I am on day 21. Have improved myself(lost 30 pounds) reading sel help books. Not thinking of him because then my negativity can be sensed by every one.

 

I am even going to go out on some dates, cause it will boost my self esteem. and that is ATTRACTIVE. My goal.

Good lluck Look fo my post in the near future to see how my plan goes.

[Starlight Starbright]

LMoney,

 

Go here to read how I am handling my situation:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113241/

[alasia]

but I do love you so what do you think about us just dating casually and of course dropped the worst thought since..yes the dreaded casual sex! UGGGH how humiliating..did I even say that outloud...I don't want to loose him so I determine I will be a backup booty call!

 

I did that!

 

Hate to admit it (I'll get flamed by those that have read my threads...) but I've stayed over at my ex's place for the past 3 nights.

 

The first night - Tuesday - I missed my last train home so I ended up meeting my ex on his bus to ask if he could take me home after his shift. He reluctantly agreed but said I was using him, then he suddenly decided I could stay over. I fell asleep on the sofa, he cuddled up to me and we started to have sex but I couldn't go through with it.

 

Wednesday I went home, then made an excuse to go back over (saying I had to drop something off at his place).

He let me in and I was sooo tired so I asked if I could have 30 minutes sleep and asked him to wake me in time for my bus.

I kept drifting in and out of sleep and he didn't bother to wake me up. That night we had sex and it was really loving. We cuddled all night, he held my arms tightly and at one point held my hand so stupidly, I thought this meant he might still have some feelings for me.

 

I went over again last night and he let me stay over again, but as much as I tried he wouldn't have sex with me (although we did share the sofa again, cuddling up).

 

I'm not the casual sex type and I feel awful that I've reduced myself to this, seeming very obsessed and like I can't let go - I can't accept it's over, as much as I've told myself that I have accepted it.

He brought me home this morning and I started saying how I wished we could try again.

He made his excuses; first he said "we've been through too much" and "don't you think we've tried already and it didn't work out?"; I thought this might mean if I could convince him I'd change and wouldn't keep starting arguments, then he'd consider getting back together. A little later on he said he wants to be single. I asked him to confirm that he didn't have any feelings for me and he said "no, I don't". He didn't say he wasn't attracted to me, but that's obviously all it is.

 

I think I'd be happy with seeing him once or twice a week, staying over and doing everything we did over the past few days; but then I know eventually I'd start wishing he'd develop feelings for me again; which he'll never do, then I'll end up more depressed that I am now.

 

I think the only option for me is to get counselling, but to the OP; try not to get too clingy. If he truly loves you he'll decide he wants you back but untul then, keep it casual and DON'T mention anything about you and him, relationships or even ask if he wants to remain friends. Just take it as it comes.

 

My mistake was I constantly over analysed every little thing and always pushed him to answer my questions, when half the time he probably didn't know the answers himself. Eventually he got frustrated with the same old lines of questioning every time we met up, and now we're not on great terms.

 

He thinks I can't let go and want him back - true, but I didn't want him to realise that!

[lorr]

L.Money- Some people find a breakup hard to deal with, but its better to "get it" and face the reality that things are over from now, rather than deluding yourself and making endless excuses for him.

Please don't embarass yourself any further by constantly asking him for reassurances on how he feels about you. It will just end up with him saying these things only because he knows, that is what you want to hear.

 

 

As for Alasia- Tut Tut Tut. You have now officially cheapened yourself to be his own little "Sex play mate". Its high time that you seek counselling and sort yourself out.

He is having a field time with you and I can honestly say that he has no respect for you at all.

[alasia]

I know Lorr...but the thing is, I thought I'd be ok with it. I felt like I had less feelings for him, but still wanted the physical side of things (I don't 'do' sleeping around, so this seemed like a better option) and the silly thing is, I've initiated most of the times we've had sex.

 

But it's too hard to continue. The sex is ok but afterwards he kisses me, cuddles up, holds my hand and holds me tightly.

It's nice, but it stirs up strong feelings in me that I know he doesn't have.

 

So to the OP - don't get yourself into the same mess I did!

[Grrlish]

Today I did ask him, "do you love me" and he said yes very very much but I've made up my mind and your just making it harder on yourself...Why is he so adament about his decision......especially if he so loves me!

 

A friend of mine loaned me a book called "It's called a break-up because it's broken". One of the things it talks about is the shock that the partner who is left is in over how quickly and/or how completely the other person can leave the relationship. It's because usually the other person has thought about it and has, on some level, probably been preparing for it before it actually happened. So, while you're in shock over him being so adament, perhaps there were occurances prior to that which led him to this decision - perhaps it wasn't really as rash of a decision as it appears.

 

If he's saying it's over, then take that at face value. Do not de-value yourself by being willing to settle for crumbs.

 

I agree with the guest who posted just below your original post in this thread. Read, re-read and re-read your signature line:

 

 

Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option!

 

 

Keep in mind: The purpose of NC is to help you get yourself together and to detach from the situation (or at least to get a clear head about it)...not to sit and wait and wish for the person to come back to you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this LMoney.

[LMoney]

UPDATE:

Just found out that he is already starting to date and talking with someone. He won't speak with me or when he does is cruel and cold. I have asked him several times to just sit down and talk to me..but he wont'. Last night he told a mutual friends that I was "crazy andwouldn't stop calling him". Sadly, I have called and reached out to him several times but not THAT much. I think I just have to do NC and realize that I was used and that he isn't going to come back despite the time that passess. If he did truly love me he would not put me through this hell and he damn sure wouldn't already by talking with other woman....ONE WEEK out of the house! So, what are my next steps?

[shockandawed]

LMoney,

 

Sorry to hear that. Honestly, from reading your posts, I had a feeling there may be someone else. My situation is very similar. Sudden breakup, a week or two of I love you but need space crap and then she admits she has been seeing someone.

 

I know this seems quick to you, but as I have had pointed out to me, chances are he started checking out long before you knew anything was wrong.

 

I know the urges when you are the dumpee to try to fight and cling to what you want. Alot of it isn't so much to get the relationship back as it is to stop your hurting. You just can't rationalize with people who are working off emotions. It only pushes them farther away. It is all over these forums and I don't recall anyone posting success from trying and pleading to get someone back. Yet, there are some success stories from people when they stop that and go into no contact. That isn't the purpose at all though.

 

I have done everything you have done. It is a huge regret now for me. Trust me, go no contact, you have no reason to talk or meet with him right now. Let him wonder about you for awhile. It really does get better the longer you can maintain that. It took me awhile, but I have discovered that very well.

 

Hang in there and good luck.

[LMoney]

Thanks shockandawed- Yes I am at the point where I regret not jut having some dignity and letting him go. I think the possibilities of him coming back would have been much greater. Sadly I do truly love him and at my age understand fully what love is (35). I also recognize that he does not want to talk to me or be in my life and has/is moving on with his. It hurts me that I was so easily disposed of and that he is already "dating' - he seemingly has this enormous wall up which I am not going to lower despite my efforts.

 

So next steps are: go NC hard core NC. I don't think this will make his 'wonder' but I guess I need it for myself and my personal sanity. Question, when you went NC did your ex try and contact you wondering about you? How long does that take or someone in your opinion to go "uhhhh she is really gone". I have a small glimmer of hope that he will realize what we had but with this other woman that hope is quicky fading.

 

What are your thoughts?

[shockandawed]

LMoney,

 

I don't want to give you hope because every situation is different. I fully understand the fear that they will forget you if you are out of sight. That is completely untrue though.

 

I was with my ex fiance for 2.5 years, she broke up right before Christmas. I found out a couple of weeks later she was involved with someone else already. During that time, we spoke primarily about housecleaning issues, rings back, that sort of thing. After that, I went about 2 weeks of NC.

 

Apparently about that time, our daughters corresponded on IM about a boy. My ex sent me an email advising me of his reputation, as a "concerned parent" I sent one back thanking her, this led to IMs for about a two week period. She admitted she screwed up, thought about us all the time, cried over lost opportunities etc..of course I am getting sucked right back in.

 

The culmination came when I was out on a date with another girl. The ex sends me a text telling me some wine I had given her was awesome. I simply thanked her, she then sent another asking if I was on a date, I answered etc.. this went on until I finally took the date home early and called the ex. She broke down and claimed she was truly sorry, this other relationship was over, nothing there, blah blah blah..long story short, within 2 days she was back to not responding etc.. I have had total n/c since and am doing much better.

 

The point of my ramble is if you do leave them alone, often they will miss you. And often, the rebound relationship never lasts long.

[Guest]

Shock is right. There is nothing attractive or mysterious about a clingy, needy person. If my mind is made up only I can change it. You can't convince me differently. Infact all it does is make me doubly commit to knowing I did the right thing.

 

Back of Money. You are making it worse.

[LMoney]

Good Point.NC will be tough but for some reason he just is really angry at me (not sure why) and does not want to talk with me or deal with me...at all! I just found out that he has changed his mailing address to the place he is staying and man did that hit me with a reality break that I didn't want to happen. He may never come around but for now I think you are right that the only way to keep my sanity is to stop contact.

 

I think in time he will wonder why I am not chasing him and what is going on in my life and MIGHT reach out to me but I am tired of giving myself that false hope...just seems to make things worse. In turn I spoke to his friend/roomate today which he initiated and indicated that he simply doesn't want to deal with me and wants to just work and find his inner peace. He also willing shared that this "new person" was not serious but merely as piece of *ss.....which turns my stomach at the thought so I guess he is filling the void and I have to realize right now he doesn't give a crap about me or my feelings and has no intentions of coming back......maybe that will hold true ...I don't know....time will tell....

[Guest]

I know my last post was alittle abrupt. I'm sorry about being somewhat "in your face". Everyone who is a dumpee is telling you the same thing. Back off. We all feel like somehow our relationship is different, especially if there were breakups in the past and you got back together. Our love will conquer all. All of that.

 

You can not reason with them. You can't guilt them. All it does is make them angry.

 

We all know how hard it is. We all feel like if we can,,,blah blah they will wake up. They will suddenly realize no one will love them like we do. It doesn't work that way. Not for long anyway.

 

Please listen and do NOT contact him. He doesn't miss you because you haven't gone away. That means for months...not hrs or days or weeks.

[LMoney]

Yes your post was in my face but you are both right, no wonder he is "mad" at me I haven't given him any time or space. And thanks for the reality checks...you are correct i think if I can just talk to him he will see..yada yada yada..well it hasn't worked and it has seemingly pushed him to the point of calling me crazy. So I am doing NC..period...I am on day 3 today and it sucks..really REALLY sucks. I often wonder if i will ever get over this or if indeed he even missess me..

 

I am hanging in there....just can't get he and this new girl out of my head. I do know she isn't serious and probably just a piece of *ss but WOW that is a sting from hell!