ddd Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Guys, maybe you can help - I recently started dating a wonderful, great looking, warm, affectionate guy (in his 30s) and things were going great...until last week. At the start of us seeing each other, he was telling me how ready he is for a serious relationship, how much he likes me, etc, etc. Last week, things got physical between us and things didn't go all to great (he couldn't "perform", although I didn't mind this at all and was not woried because these things happen when you are with a new person and are a little bit nervous). What I dodn't expect however was for him to literally disappear after that, and to then tell me that he is too scared of a relationship with me, what if I leave him and he gets hurt and proceeded to say that he wants us to be friends until he builds up trust in me. He was genuinly upset over all of this and got very emotional when I told him that I was in no mood for games. I then also found out through some of his friends that he could be feeling intimidated because he is currently without a job (he is a highly educated man with excellent career prospects - I am aprofessional too) and may be running away because his ego took a blow. What do you guys think? He is an extremely honest person and I think I would have known if he didn't like me or didn't want to be with me. What should I do? Our contact has dropped completely, although he did ask that I keep in touch. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? Thank you.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 ok well i'm not a guy but here goes: yes i think his ego took a blow when he couldn't "perform". he is probably extremely embarrassed and is afraid that it will happen again and u'll leave him. actually he may have history of this (some kind of sexual dysfuction) that may not be his fault. obviously he is incredibly insecure if he is already scared of u leaving him when u just started seeing each other. i personally have never been in this situation, but i guess my best advice is to keep in contact with him. dont wait around for him to be "ready" though. keep ur options open. he said he wants to be friends, not date, so dont feel as though u are obligated to him. if u meet someone go out with them! if he gets pissed off then too bad, he missed his chance.
MySugaree Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Nothing sours a guy to a new relationship like ED right out of the gate. Coupled with unemployment the ED becomes even more of a relationship-breaker. As Freud says, it's all about sex and work, and the new guy in batting "000" is both arenas. Not a good average. If you're inclined, try to maintain some connection. But I would not place all my eggs in this guy's rickety basket. Keep looking, and perhaps you'll connect with a man who makes love and money.
Author ddd Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 Thank you so much to both of you - that means so much...I also get the feeling that he is very insecure and may have a bit of a problem opening up to people. He is a very sensitive person. I am just not sure about how often I need to maintain contact with him or how I should go about it? But I will be on the lookout for someone else, although I do like this guy very much... Has anyone else started off their relationship this way?
Art_Critic Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I think that he just isn't into you.. you don't turn his crank.. A lot of women think that every guy can get hard for every woman on the planet and if he doesn't then he has ED.. that isn't true.. a man still has to be turned on by his partner in order to get hard and maintain the erection. I think you need to let the contact die and chalk this one up to a learning experience. I am sure he is embarrassed but not enough to stop contact.. the contact has stopped for other reasons...
Krytellan Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 What do you guys think? He is an extremely honest person and I think I would have known if he didn't like me or didn't want to be with me. What should I do? Our contact has dropped completely, although he did ask that I keep in touch. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? Thank you. Well, I can put myself in this guy's shoes. In my current relationship, the same thing happened to me. I couldn't perform the first 2 times we tried, but then I had some built-in issues from things my ex-wife had done to me. So I was already worried about it and therefore it happened. It was in no way a reflection of how I felt about my gf. I was absolutely and completely hot for her but that didn't matter. I am already a slow warmer in a relationship, and that combined with my "Mr. Floppy" performance scared the hell out of me. The thought had crossed my mind to bail, to avoid having to confront the issue, but I chose to stick it out and we talked about it and all is well now. She was very understanding The only thing I wonder about is how this man's "fleeing" represents his personality as a whole. If he is running away from this to avoid confronting it, how many other things in life does he run from?
Author ddd Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 Hm Krytellan, your experience sounds very familiar to my guy ...He is insecure following his last significant relationship (the girl hurt him a lot) and is a slow warmer to relationships. We did talk about things and he was very honest with me. He just said he needed time to get things in order, to deveop a friendship between us and to then start something more serious. I am trying to decide whether he is, like Artcritic said, just not into me, or whether the whole "floppy" experience scared him away, coupled with his current problems in life and bad experience with an ex. I am keeping my options open though and will not hesitate to go out with someone else...
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