lovelorcet Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 It has taken him how long to start treating you with respect and actually caring about you as a partner should? I dunno... I think you might have scared him a bit and he now thinks he has to offer you more, but when things calm down he might just end up going back to his old ways...
Author Ripples Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Oh right, I thought you meant I was wasting my time because he's older. Yes, you could well be right. I guess I'm hanging on because I feel that six months is quite a long time to sustain a change. Bear in mind that he finished with the OW six months or so before I actually found out about them. I don't know it seems like he actually wants to give me more, simply because he has been doing just that. I feel like it's my turn to step up to the plate and start trusting him again. But, it's a risk and I have to take responsibility for making that decision. I suppose I'm putting into place a structure in my life that will enable me to cope should he not pull through. Does any of that make sense?
lovelorcet Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 So you are getting ready to deal with the disappointment already... I think your gut feeling is telling you to run away and you are looking for reasons to rationalize you staying with him. I think your gut is right on in not trusting this situation.
Author Ripples Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 I feel like I can't win here People give advice to look after oneself first, to love oneself first before expecting anyone else to, and yet, if I do that, it's because I know instinctively not to trust the situation and it'll never work. <sigh> I'm getting pretty confused!
lovelorcet Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I think you heart is hoping for a future with this man but your gut is trying to warn you... Which one will you follow?
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Firstly Ripples, I would like to say how much I admire your other posts on LS, and I think you give out some fantastic advice to others on here. And I would like to say I am sorry to hear about your predicament. I just want to reiterate a couple of things the others have said.... Do you really think that you will be able to deal with these issues and not continually build resentment towards him? IME, I found that very very hard. I think it is possible, but rare. Your "stinking-thinker" has reservations about all this, Ripples. She's there to protect you afterall. And if she can WIN this debate, then guess what? ... She's right and he's not the guy for you. I agree with this. Often we ignore our instincts, because the other person does things that make us ignore them. (Changes, gets a little bit better at something, admits when they are wrong a bit more often etc etc) But you have to think about the levels of acceptable behaviour. In my last R, I accepted alot of behaviour that i came to think was normal. And it was for our relationship. Putdowns, hurt, mistrust, verbal abuse, jealousy, emotional manipulation etc etc.I kept making excuses for my ex- because I did love him. I devalued myself, and thought well, better the devil you know, maybe my expectations are too high etc etc. But it wasn't till I stepped out of the relationship and into one with a caring, sensitive, loving, considerate person that I realised that the behaviour in my last R was NOT acceptable. And now I wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour from anyone. Ever. I did feel a bit anxious and so I asked him if he was seeing someone else, not in an accusatory way, just asking for reassurance and he gave it to me without sounding impatient or defensive. It's been hard to not pick up the phone though! It's been good for me to have this weekend to reflect, also. I've been talking myself through the questions, and although I haven't been able to finally make my mind up to forgive, put the past behind etc., I've come to realise that, as I've preached to many others, I need to find within myself the things I'm craving from G which is mainly security. So I've spent the weekend making plans about how to do just that and putting my life in a bit more order. If anyone has any suggestions to keep me going, I'd be grateful for them TIA Yes, you DO need to find security within yourself... very difficult to ever be secure in a r without that. And to find that, you may need to be single for a while. I doubt that G will ever be able to give you the level of security you want tho, because you have too many issues and history. I am tempted to say wouldn't it be easier to start again with a clean slate with someone new- but I know thats not want you want. And on a more positive note- lets look at YOU. You are intelligent, great looking, compassionate, and funny. Are you getting what YOU want out of this relationship??? It doesn't sound like it. Do you think you could do better? I think you could. But its a leap of faith on your part.
Author Ripples Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Sb, you are extremely kind, thank you so much for those compliments! What you mention about your own past R has hit home. Yes, that sounds exactly like my situation. That's a wake up call. Maybe I'm asking these questions to be told to move on. Maybe I'm looking for permission or a reason to. Maybe my instincts want to find some validation. Maybe I just want to be told it's possible for it to work out. I feel like I've put so much in and to do that and for it to not work out feels so wrong. I feel that I've failed, again. I just wanted to be safe, you know? And I suppose I've always thought I can't be without a partner. I'm really scared. Damn, time for a glass of wine. Or should that be whine?
lovelorcet Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Ripples you honestly sound like a wonderful woman... I think if anyone has failed there then it is "G."
Author Ripples Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Ah you see? I knew it was worth posting about this. First SB, then you, lovelorcet Seriously, thank you, SB and everyone who's posted here. It's really helping me.
silktricks Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Ripples, about G. What does he tell you about what he wants in his future? Can you tell if he's just saying what he thinks you want/need to hear, or does it seem to be really what he wants? Does what he says he wants match up with what you want? How much of you do you feel you need to give up to be with him - the way he is now - not necessarily the way he says he wants to be. Thirty-six may seem to you like your older than you want to be, but from my point of view you are so young, and have so many possibilities. Don't settle. All relationships require compromise, but be aware of what your compromises are compared to what his compromises are. Businessmen are used to working compromises to their advantage - it becomes instinctual with them. You are a very intelligent lady with a whole lot of future. Enjoy it.
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Sb, you are extremely kind, thank you so much for those compliments! What you mention about your own past R has hit home. Yes, that sounds exactly like my situation. That's a wake up call. Maybe I'm asking these questions to be told to move on. Maybe I'm looking for permission or a reason to. Maybe my instincts want to find some validation. Maybe I just want to be told it's possible for it to work out. I feel like I've put so much in and to do that and for it to not work out feels so wrong. I feel that I've failed, again. I just wanted to be safe, you know? And I suppose I've always thought I can't be without a partner. I'm really scared. Damn, time for a glass of wine. Or should that be whine? The thing is you can be told over and over again, but you need to realise it on your own. My friends and family celebrated when i split with exBF... but it took him engineering a fight between me and my best friend for me to finally see the light. And I TOTALLY know what you are saying about putting in so much, and not wanting to feel like you have failed, and not wanting to be on your own etc. I was his OW for ages, then he left his W etc etc, so I felt like I had to stay to make it all worth it. But at the end of the day, I was miserable. And being in a R that is unhappy is ten times worse than being single. You haven't failed if you start to put your own feelings first for a change, and put some value on yourself. Ripples, I don't think you will be single for long anyway- you are hot!!!! And a great chick.I bet we would get on famously over a glass of wine..Unfortunately I am about 250miles north of you, and still recovering from last nights overindulgance.
Author Ripples Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 snip Aww Sb, you keep saying things like that and giving me your advice and I'm not going to let 250 miles get in the way Ripples, about G. What does he tell you about what he wants in his future? Can you tell if he's just saying what he thinks you want/need to hear, or does it seem to be really what he wants? Does what he says he wants match up with what you want? How much of you do you feel you need to give up to be with him - the way he is now - not necessarily the way he says he wants to be. Thirty-six may seem to you like your older than you want to be, but from my point of view you are so young, and have so many possibilities. Don't settle. All relationships require compromise, but be aware of what your compromises are compared to what his compromises are. Businessmen are used to working compromises to their advantage - it becomes instinctual with them. You are a very intelligent lady with a whole lot of future. Enjoy it. Silk, G says that he wants me, he wants to marry me and settle down but he also says that he's unsure if he can trust me to not be demanding and as horrible as I was at the start of the relationship - when I drove him to look for another woman. He also says that he doesn't feel responsible for my insecurities and he puts most of our relationship problems down to them. I'm not sure that he's wrong. I don't know. You are damn right about those compromises. Oh boy does he know how to work it to his advantage! The successful bits of our relationship are founded on the fact that we have great fun together, our child qualities love each other very much. However, when it comes to disagreements we both tend to stay in the child persona and not utilise our adults for a meaningful, reasonable conversation. Although I have started to do that more and more (practice makes perfect) and it does mean a better outcome of anything heavy we discuss. I'm not sure that G will change though and become more adult himself... You know, right at this moment I'm feeling much stronger than I have been recently. I'm feeling much more in control of what I want. You've all really helped me in that. I keep rereading this thread and each time I see something a little more in what everyone's said. Even those I wanted to dismiss to start off with.
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Silk, G says that he wants me, he wants to marry me and settle down but he also says that he's unsure if he can trust me to not be demanding and as horrible as I was at the start of the relationship - when I drove him to look for another woman. He also says that he doesn't feel responsible for my insecurities and he puts most of our relationship problems down to them. I'm not sure that he's wrong. I don't know. You are damn right about those compromises. Oh boy does he know how to work it to his advantage! The successful bits of our relationship are founded on the fact that we have great fun together, our child qualities love each other very much. However, when it comes to disagreements we both tend to stay in the child persona and not utilise our adults for a meaningful, reasonable conversation. Although I have started to do that more and more (practice makes perfect) and it does mean a better outcome of anything heavy we discuss. I'm not sure that G will change though and become more adult himself... You know, right at this moment I'm feeling much stronger than I have been recently. I'm feeling much more in control of what I want. You've all really helped me in that. I keep rereading this thread and each time I see something a little more in what everyone's said. Even those I wanted to dismiss to start off with. What??? He said what???? that you DROVE him to cheat on you??? Ripples, if this was another LS member, I know what you would be saying to them, and that would be what a crock of bulls***. And saying all that drivel about your insecurities is a bit rich isn't it? He want YOU to accept that HE has changed, but he won't accept that YOU can change? Hypocrisy anyone?? He CHEATS on you, BLAMES you, and then criticizes you for getting insecure??? So that totally exonerates him from any blame! How convenient! He isn't working compromise to his advantage, he is blaming you for his own shortcomings, which is inexcusable. What is wrong with this picture??? I know what you mean about the child personas etc, but it IS possible to have child qualities that appeal to eachother AND utilise the adults when you need to. This time last year, I was very sceptical about that, but I have experienced it firsthand now.. The way you handle conflict is very important in a relationship.... and I think G is a long way off from being able to be responsible for his own actions... hence a long way off from being able to handle conflict as an adult.. Sorry Ripples, I am ranting, but I AM on your side. I think you could do so much better.
silktricks Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Silk, G says that he wants me, he wants to marry me and settle down but he also says that he's unsure if he can trust me to not be demanding and as horrible as I was at the start of the relationship - when I drove him to look for another woman. ummm - excuse me??? you DROVE him to look for another woman. YUCK and YEGODS!! He also says that he doesn't feel responsible for my insecurities and he puts most of our relationship problems down to them. I'm not sure that he's wrong. I don't know. Unfortunately, insecurities are our own. We really can't place those insecurities onto our relationship partners, 'cuz usually it's our parents who gave them to us. Unfortunately, what people with insecurities tend to do, though, is forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive bad behavior. If we were really secure, we'd tell our partner to treat us better if he/she/it wants to continue in a relationship with us. So. . . putting the relationship problems onto your insecurities is probably not a viable argument when you get right down to it. The successful bits of our relationship are founded on the fact that we have great fun together, our child qualities love each other very much. However, when it comes to disagreements we both tend to stay in the child persona and not utilise our adults for a meaningful, reasonable conversation. Although I have started to do that more and more (practice makes perfect) and it does mean a better outcome of anything heavy we discuss. I'm not sure that G will change though and become more adult himself... Do you always want to be the adult in every argument? I'm tellin' you, that doesn't work either - because you start staying in the adult (because if you act adult, the you won't HAVE the argument - you think), and then you lose your joy, and start treating the other person like the child they are acting. Pretty soon your relationship has skewed so far off course, that you may not be able to even find it. Listen, I'm not saying this relationship isn't going to work out for you, but please do take care of yourself. The man is used to getting his own way. He has for many years. That's not necessarily a bad thing, when his way and your way don't merge though, you may have a problem or two (or ten).
Author Ripples Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Oh NO, I'm so sorry, that's me saying I drove him to it. I mean, our relationship wasn't very healthy and I was a complete cow (not that he was particularly easy to be with) so he felt it wasn't going anywhere with me so looked for someone to replace me in the meanwhile. I'm not excusing it, but there was a reason for it. Ok, I get what you're both saying about insecurities, this is something I've started to address, I've got a long way to go though. And the whole adult thing? You're right Silk, I don't want to be the adult all the time and I know it's not healthy if G doesn't do the same. SB, you're right G doesn't take much responsibility for his actions, although the other day he did explicitly say how sorry he is for what he did and how bad it was etc. Ok, I think I need a break from G. I need to get my head together much more than it is. I'll tell him when he calls. Thanks guys
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Ripples you didn't drive him to do it. Please stop thinking like that, because its not true. You can't MAKE anyone do anything. They CHOOSE to do things. He had a choice. He chose to cheat. Anyway... sorry to be harsh. But I like you and I would hate to see your sparkle be snuffed out by this guy.
Author Ripples Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Thank you SB. To be honest, I don't want to loose him, I really don't. But I'm not sure what I can do to feel better about things, so I think I need a break from him for a while to consider what I want and make a decision as to whether G can and will supply that. I'm tired of second guessing, I need to make my mind up and GET A GRIP! (That made me laugh, SB)
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Good! Laughing means you haven't totally lost the plot!!!! (unlike others on other threads with elevated senses of their own attractiveness) I think a break is a good idea. It will you some time to reflect and some breathing space. It also might help you get some perspective (not to say you don't already have some, but you know what I mean) Good luck. I have great social skills but seem to exercise most of them on here.... so I will be around to offer you support if you need it.
silktricks Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 To be honest, I don't want to loose him, I really don't. But I'm not sure what I can do to feel better about things, so I think I need a break from him for a while to consider what I want and make a decision as to whether G can and will supply that. I'm tired of second guessing You seem like a lady who's got her head pretty well screwed on (other than you thinking that you drove him into the arms of other women, of course - but that's what guys like us to believe :lmao: ) anyway, back on course, a break is always good, just for thinking things out. It doesn't even need to be presented to him as a bad thing, just a short time alone so that each of you can be sure of what each of you really want, etc. etc. If you don't want to lose him, you can even tell him that. A little time can let you realize whether you're nervous just because your seeing a change in the relationship, (and any change -even a change for the better- makes us nervous, that's just the nature of the beast), or if you're nervous for other reasons.
Author Ripples Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Ok, it's not been long since deciding to have a little break from G and the issues and I've had an epiphany already! I think that G is actually a good guy, there's not much more wrong with him than any other guy out there. However, the sticking point with me is his lack of willingness to take responsibility for what he's done and do something pretty major to demonstrate that he's putting him right, never mind the relationship. It says to me that he may be sorry for what he's done, but he obviously doesn't realise a. the extent of the damage and b. that he is responsible for healing it. Also, I'm in the process of buying my own place (I'm very old to be a first time buyer ), this has already, been an incredibly good thing for me to do. Creating my own security has released me from feeling that desperate need for G, which says alot about what really kept me with him. Now I don't have that, I am looking at him and our relationship far more objectively and thinking "you know what, he's ok, but I'm not that desperate for friends/wanting to be wanted/security/sex that I need him in my life". Finally, I came to a startling conclusion the other day, I'm not saying it's right, but here goes: Without G sleeping around, I would never have addressed my own issues and come to a healthier place for me. A place that I feel will enable me to create a long lasting, good, happy relationship with someone. Even G (hear me out). However, now that I'm in this healthier place, I know I can do better than G and don't need him to make my life complete! How's that???? I'm so excited about feeling positive for the first time since I don't know when, that I just had to share and give a really big thanks to all of you who've supported me and given me some very much needed advice. :love::bunny::love::bunny::love:
Mz. Pixie Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Ok, it's not been long since deciding to have a little break from G and the issues and I've had an epiphany already! I think that G is actually a good guy, there's not much more wrong with him than any other guy out there. However, the sticking point with me is his lack of willingness to take responsibility for what he's done and do something pretty major to demonstrate that he's putting him right, never mind the relationship. It says to me that he may be sorry for what he's done, but he obviously doesn't realise a. the extent of the damage and b. that he is responsible for healing it. Also, I'm in the process of buying my own place (I'm very old to be a first time buyer ), this has already, been an incredibly good thing for me to do. Creating my own security has released me from feeling that desperate need for G, which says alot about what really kept me with him. Now I don't have that, I am looking at him and our relationship far more objectively and thinking "you know what, he's ok, but I'm not that desperate for friends/wanting to be wanted/security/sex that I need him in my life". Finally, I came to a startling conclusion the other day, I'm not saying it's right, but here goes: Without G sleeping around, I would never have addressed my own issues and come to a healthier place for me. A place that I feel will enable me to create a long lasting, good, happy relationship with someone. Even G (hear me out). However, now that I'm in this healthier place, I know I can do better than G and don't need him to make my life complete! How's that???? I'm so excited about feeling positive for the first time since I don't know when, that I just had to share and give a really big thanks to all of you who've supported me and given me some very much needed advice. :love::bunny::love::bunny::love: Good for YOU Ripples!
sb129 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Yeah! You go girlfriend! I know EXACTLY where you are at right now, having been there not too long ago. Having your own place is exciting- mine is my sanctuary! Soo glad you are feeling positive. Now, about that glass of wine...
Author Ripples Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Thank you all very, very much I'd like to think I'd have got there at some point, but I don't think I would have got there so quick without you guys' input. I'm really so grateful And SB? Bottle on me
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