karenmiller Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I have learned that the person I have been having an exclusive relationship with for the past four years is actively seeking contacts through an online dating service. I have viewed their initial communication emails back and forth, which fully expressed his interest in getting to know others (and one person in particular). He has made plans to get together with one particular person during the next two weeks while he is in his country of origin attending his mother's funeral. (He has been in the USA for 30 years with a green card, and the dating service he has subscribed to is in his country of origin.) According to his "profile" that is listed with the online dating service, his intention is to move back to his country of origin! News to me! There have been no indications from him of a sincere desire to live there again, other than the occasional comment of "I don't like it here in the USA". There was nothing previously that led me to believe that he would seriously consider moving back to his country. Especially since he has a 9 year-old child who is a US citizen and whom he cherishes very much. With this new knowledge of "desires of infidelity", and the fact that he'll be returning to the USA in a week or so, I can't decide whether to: 1. Tell him we're finished. (No explanation. Bye.. bye!) 2. Tell him we're finished and why. (Which will divulge how I came to discover this knowledge in the first place. Ah, well.) 3. Let things "ride" and let him find out on his own that I might be better suited for him than the online dating chic he is pursuing. Gee. I'm taking a tally here. What would you do? Karen
guin_girl Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Well I have to ask, how did you come across these emails? Were you suspicious of his actions to begin with? Was there something that led you to question his honesty or your trust in him?
Guest Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Good questions... I am his webmaster (webmastress), and therefore am the one who sets up his email account. Funny thing is, although I've helped him with issues relating to his email messages, and he knows I have full access to those messages, I never until today actually looked at them with any interest. The reason I did so today is that one of my other clients complained about spam issues and asked me to review the messages in her mailbox for "spam potential". My guy has complained on several occasions about spam and had just last week said he was fed up with all of the spam arriving in his mailbox. Today I set out to do a good thing by reviewing spam emails and "whitelisting" any good senders (such as the New York Times, or JCPenney, etc). In reviewing his email inbox I saw the usual junk mail, but for a couple of addresses that seemed more legit, I went to the site address to verify it first, rather than blocking it altogether. That led me to the online dating service site in his country. Once at their site, his login info was predictable, because he always uses the same password combo. I recognize now through hindsight, that he may have a pattern of finding ways of supporting himself without actually working. Those ways might include finding a woman who has an income level and lifestyle which he would like to be a part of. (Supporting someone else is not something I can do right now, nor do I wish to do so.) This whole idea is too new, and yet I think that if I am reading the signs correctly, they may have been there all along.. hindsight and all. I just don't wish to think he is that shallow.
outofdarkness Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I have learned that the person I have been having an exclusive relationship with for the past four years is actively seeking contacts through an online dating service. I have viewed their initial communication emails back and forth, which fully expressed his interest in getting to know others (and one person in particular). He has made plans to get together with one particular person during the next two weeks while he is in his country of origin attending his mother's funeral. (He has been in the USA for 30 years with a green card, and the dating service he has subscribed to is in his country of origin.) According to his "profile" that is listed with the online dating service, his intention is to move back to his country of origin! News to me! There have been no indications from him of a sincere desire to live there again, other than the occasional comment of "I don't like it here in the USA". There was nothing previously that led me to believe that he would seriously consider moving back to his country. Especially since he has a 9 year-old child who is a US citizen and whom he cherishes very much. With this new knowledge of "desires of infidelity", and the fact that he'll be returning to the USA in a week or so, I can't decide whether to: 1. Tell him we're finished. (No explanation. Bye.. bye!) 2. Tell him we're finished and why. (Which will divulge how I came to discover this knowledge in the first place. Ah, well.) 3. Let things "ride" and let him find out on his own that I might be better suited for him than the online dating chic he is pursuing. Gee. I'm taking a tally here. What would you do? Karen I would keep your eyes and ears open and sit back and observe, if you have time. Don't say a word, just let things progress as they would had you not found the emails....It just doesn't sound like enough yet to throw away the whole R...keep us posted.
SoleMate Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I'd do #1. #2 is tempting, but ultimately not in your best interest. #3 is a big waste of your precious time, honey.
Trialbyfire Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 It's difficult to understand what you're truly feeling right now because your post has come across fairly lightly. Your choice is reliant on what you want to do and what you're capable of handling emotionally. I do agree that #3 is a waste of your time. Why compete with a fantasy?
Guest Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I would make photcopies of ALL these emails as evidence to support you in case you need them......It just frosts me when guys do this. I am married to someone from the UK that has been lying and deceiving me. Wonder if they are all alike?
guin_girl Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 oh that sucks even more to stumble across something so innocently. Boy do I know how that is... I don't believe in not telling someone the reasons I'm leaving... just because I have had that done to me so many times (not that I was cheating, but just that I had absolutely no clue what happened). I would let him know exactly what you said... maybe not that you got into his online dating account, but that you saw exactly what he was up to in the emails and that it's over... if you are ready to call it quits.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Bah..this one is easy..your not married to him...so dump him and find someone worthy. Go for #2, dump him and tell him why...and walk away when he tries to explain.
CardPlay3r Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 #1 or #2, #3 is just fantasy plus why would you want to be with someone after lying to you like that
Author karenmiller Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Thanks everyone for the great advice! I haven't been able to view messages in the forum for several days. My Internet Explorer web browser seems to have issues with displaying the page. Using Firefox today and can now read everyone's replies. Trialbyfire mentioned that my post "came off lightly". I am trying to be levelheaded and not let my emotions push me hastily in a particular direction that I will regret later. My mood and thoughts about how to handle this keep shifting. Here's what's going through my head right now: 1. The old saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." 2. He and I have an exclusive relationship for 2-1/2 years. One reason I desire exclusivity is that I don't want to contract any sexually transmitted diseases. Now I'll not be sure where he has "been". 3. I really would like to remain friends with him and with his 9-year old daughter. (He shares custody of his girl with the mother.) 4. All of those little blemishes on the relationship are now surfacing for me as festering boils. :-) 5. I am self-employed and my business right now is consuming so much of my energy, I am not sure if I'll be able to think straight. 6. My cat is extremely ill with a tumor and may only have a few days or weeks to live. This might be making me extra emotional right now. 7. The part of me that is angry wants to toy with him, like a cat with a mouse, going about things as usual, asking little questions (which I already know the answer to), and watching him squirm, without letting on that anything is wrong. 8. I'm 45 years old and I'm really desiring to be with someone who wants to live with me and help me support a lifestyle and home on into our later years. With this person, the topic has not been resolved and is always pushed towards the future. 9. I feel like a snoop. Even though I was innocently inside his email mailbox, and discovered the email from the dating service, I would not know the gritty details of his correspondence unless I had logged in to his online account. It would be difficult for me to admit to him that I did this. 10. I am beginning to lose my faith in men and relationships altogether. Perhaps I should have more cats. Thanks everyone for all of your encouragement and advice. I'm really torn about what to do. I'll post back with an update. Karen
Thunder973 Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Karen sorry you have to go through so much heartache. Im sure the initial reaction as to what you saw was bone numbing because I myself have felt that way before. As a man all I can say that the only reason why he did what he did was because he simply did not care about you and was seeking interaction elsewhere, to be blunt. I am sure I do not have to tell you that you should not want to be with someone when the feelings are not mutual. To make things worse, he did this behind your back and did not have the intestinal fortitude to sit you down and tell you his feelings that things were working out or he had a change of heart. I wish you the best of luck in regards to your situation.
Author karenmiller Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 As a man all I can say that the only reason why he did what he did was because he simply did not care about you and was seeking interaction elsewhere, to be blunt. Thunder 973, I do not agree with the portion of your statement "he simply did not care about you". He does care. The degree to which he cares is what is in question. If your post was intended to convey that he "does not care enough about an exclusive relationship", then I could buy that, and have arrived at the same conclusion. Degrees of "caring" might be defined differently by different people, I suppose. Karen
Thunder973 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Im sorry Karen I did not mean to offend you just trying to speak my feelings. In my eyes, caring is caring and there are no degrees or highs and lows. If in a relationship, if the other person does something that outright detriments the relationship than they do not care and has very little respect for the feelings for the other person involved. His actions in my opinion clearly demonstrated his lack of caring for you, your feelings, and the relationship that was built by you and him.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I'd do #2 and see what he has to say but you already know he is going to lie and squirm his way out of it. At least you can expose him for the snake that he is.
SadrBtWizr Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 If there was a possiblity of reconciliation, I'd say let him know you looked. But the guy is using you in a very bad way. #1 seems best for you.
scubafish Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 maybe, since he has commented on not liking US, maybe you could start n working questions into your conversations about if he ever thinks about leaving, how seriously, etc?
Author karenmiller Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 I've been missing all of these posts, everyone. For some reason, I don't receive the automated messages when someone posts a reply. Sorry for the delay. So anyhow, here is what happened... While he was still out of the country, I talked with him by phone. He knew right away something wasn't right, by the tone of my voice. I began with explaining that I had been attempting to help filter out some of his spam when I came upon an email from a particular company, and that I had visited that company's website and determined it was an online dating service. His reply was something like "Oh.. yeh... I've noticed a few of those messages coming in. I usually just delete them. I don't know what those are..." I then said that I tried a few password combos and was able to log in to the "account". He still didn't confess (lots of "huh?" and "what"?). It wasn't until I mentioned specific topics from his correspondence with the person he was preparing to meet up with, that he admitted what he had done. He was very much shocked and embarrased at being found out. Similar to a little child getting caught doing something they shouldn't, and denying it right up to the very last possible moment. I'm not sure which act disappointment me more, his seeking of another relationship through the online service, or his deliberate avoidance of the issue, when given an opportunity to confess on his own. From that point on, he was extremely apologetic, and on and on, and blah, blah, blah. He doesn't want to end our relationship, but would understand if I were to do so. Maybe I'm not strong enough, but I am considering trying to work this out. He has been back in the US for a couple of weeks now. We've not had a lot of time alone together, but I am curious to see where this will all lead. I feel very differently about whatever it was that defined "us" as a couple, and yet I can't decide what it is that I want. I am afraid that the part of me that wants to walk away would be doing so in spite... and that the part of me that wants to stay might regret doing so if another incident such as this were to happen in the future. In a numb sort of limbo for now.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Is it really spite or is it a self-protection mechanism? Here's a man that did not honour your agreement to exclusivity. When confronted about it, he lied and continued to lie until he had no room to squirm. Do you think you could learn to trust someone like that again, particularly someone who dislikes the US and wants to leave the country?
4whatItsWorth Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Is it really spite or is it a self-protection mechanism? Here's a man that did not honour your agreement to exclusivity. When confronted about it, he lied and continued to lie until he had no room to squirm. Do you think you could learn to trust someone like that again, particularly someone who dislikes the US and wants to leave the country? I agree with above. Let me give you information from another "relationship-skipper" usually when I loose interest, I would go online looking for something else. And when that moment comes - that is when I am "gone" from the relationship. So take it from someone who has been there, done that - relationship-skippers cannot be changed. He lied to you, he covered it up - he will do it again. The first time he did it, he was already out that door. It's just you forgot to take his spare key...
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