Affair made me unattracted to my husband

[Oper Edei Deixai]

Looks like I managed to cause a stir. I think that some brief background on me is in order. I'm 37, been married 12 years and I have 4 children. I am here because I have lingering trust issues regarding my wife's infidelity several years ago and her current non-existent libido and withdrawal of any romantic interest in me. I am concerned that history may be repeating.

 

What's different about me is that I don't believe you fix things like this with "tough love". Tough love is just a way of justifying beating up on some body. The people lashing out have been burned and they see their enemy in another cheater. The anger they have for their own situation spills out onto a cheater who is trying to reform. This is not helpful behavior. I imagine that many people here have, like me, been to individual or couple's counseling - am I right? If so, when you went to the counselor and confessed/ confronted your problem, did the therapist attack you with "tough love"? :

 

"You think you have a drinking problem? Well, you should have thought of that before you started drinking!"

 

No, the counselor listens, analyzes, asks further questions, gets to the root of things, finds out what the underlying problem is. I believe that is the function of a place like this - to serve as each other's therapists.

 

Reserving judgment is not the same as coddling or enabling, that should be obvious. What angers me is that jumping somebody's sh*t because they are doing the same thing that someone did to you IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE. I believe you think you're doing it "snap their attention", but really it's just easier than listening and withholding judgment. Anger is easy - patience is much more demanding, but far more effective.

 

I'm not sure what that post means to be honest, is he implying that he may have cheated in the past and is looking for someone to comiserate with him? He must know that he will have a hard time finding that. Question, how many jilted spouses would post something like that? The only person that I could surmise who would post anything close to that on a thread like this would be a cheater. I could be wrong, that is what it seems like to me.

 

Mind-reading, projection, discounting my position by imagining that I am one of the "bad guys". "The only person who [i could surmise] could post anything close to that on a thread like this would be a cheater?" Do you know why you cannot surmise that? because you are jilted, bitter, angry, judgemental, and obviously hopelessly sad. I'm sorry you've been hurt. I'm sorry it's warped your sense of compassion and nixed your capacity for forgiveness and hope of redemption. I hope things change for you, I really do.

 

I am not thin-skinned, and I know about the kind of BBSs that Mr.Max is talking about. I was a regular poster on the now-defunkt netslaves bbs and the rather notorious (and also defunkt) f*ckcompany.com bbs. If you've been around the greater forum community, you'd know that an exceptionally thick skin is required to post on those boards. This is not one of those boards, and I treat it - and temper my posts - accordingly.

 

That being said, I'm not sure this is the place for me. I think that I've made myself fairly clear on what I'm looking for - does anyone have a suggestion as to where I could go?

[MySugaree]

Dude, don't go. You write well and compassionately, which is no small feat here. You're an anti-basher,too, which is cause for celebration. We're a distinct minority.

 

Stick around, but be prepared to get bashed yourself by LS's (at times) stridently judgmental Moral Majority.

 

All in a day's work--as they say.

[mrmaximum]

 

Mind-reading, projection, discounting my position by imagining that I am one of the "bad guys". "The only person who [i could surmise] could post anything close to that on a thread like this would be a cheater?" Do you know why you cannot surmise that? because you are jilted, bitter, angry, judgemental, and obviously hopelessly sad. I'm sorry you've been hurt. I'm sorry it's warped your sense of compassion and nixed your capacity for forgiveness and hope of redemption. I hope things change for you, I really do.

 

To be quite honest you are most likely right, exept for the hoplessly sad part, I'm getting married soon and if I was all of those things, the wife would have kicked me out on my ear, I pigeonholed you, touche, you got me. The thing that you and sugaree have to understand is that you are the minority, how many people would have done the same thing to her? You have been there, you know that some jilted spouses go through Chemo-therapy type symptons as they deal with their spouses betrayal, when a different choice could have been made, when something else could have been done to prevent such heartache from happening, I have no sympathy for the perpetrator!! I have been on quite a few boards myself and the truth is that you can somewhat tell where people are coming from when they post. On another infidelity board (enotalone.com) I even advised a cheater that she should leave the house for a while, not her marriage, to see if he could finally change his ways, the husband was controlling and had anger issues, SHE only kissed the OM and she felt like crap and was genuinely remorseful, she talked about how bad she felt for lying to her husband and whatnot, even though he was an ass and made Tryxy's hubby look like a God. Can you have a cavalier attitude when you are really in pain about something so significant? I didn't blast her, and to be honest, I only blast (and that wasn't blasting by most people standards, I'm sure I am soft to most people) when people blame their spouse for their poor judgement, or show no remorse.

So if we had misinterpreted her in her first post, what about her second one, it was all about her and how we misjudged her. It is clear that if buddy didn't move away that this would have continued, how can you have sympathy for that?

Question; would you have sympathy for a killer who displayed the same attitude about his victim? We both know the answer to that, so how can you expect us to dole out 'there-there's' to a woman who could care less about her hubby? I highly doubt that she posted this as a mistake TWICE. I admire your ability to bounce back as you did with your wife's infidelity, your wife obviously has someone that has a clear head on his shoulders and I hope you are wrong about her, however, after seeing what happened to my mother when my father cheated on her twice, and when it happened to me when my xgf did the same, sorry if I have little sympathy for her very selfish positon. You are in the minority, I'm glad that there are people like you who can go to a cheater and tell them what to do about their situations and whatnot, but I highly doubt that I will be changing my position anytime soon, cheaing isn't a mistake, period and there is NO excuse!!

[mrmaximum]

Dude, don't go. You write well and compassionately, which is no small feat here. You're an anti-basher,too, which is cause for celebration. We're a distinct minority.

 

Stick around, but be prepared to get bashed yourself by LS's (at times) stridently judgmental Moral Majority.

 

All in a day's work--as they say.

 

I'm not going to bash you, but you have to stop judgeing us. If you have been through this and you came out unscathed, kudos I will say that you are better than me and most people. The truth is that I won't bash anyone that shows that they are truly sorry and there is a good chance that they have mended their ways, this woman looked like she didn't give a monkey's about her hubby. No sympathy from this end, sorry, she made her bed she has to lie in it. Sorry, this is just me but I can't see myself hugging a terrorist and telling the man that I feel his pain and apologizing for the way that he feels after he just bombed a major city, a cheater is essentially the same, the destroy families and sometimes even children get caught in it!! They chose to do something that was ridiculously selfish, when they could have chosen another less painful route! This woman showed that she cared little for her husband, only for what happened to her. Like I said to Deix, you going to show sympathy for a killer who doesn't care about his victim?

I'm pretty sure that you will find some cheaters that come here looking for help and have stopped the affair and we will assist them without comdemnation, but don't think we will standby and assist someone who is looking for some justification to their position, they clearly are not going to halt their actions and that is one thing a lot of people here will not abide by.

[Storyrider]

That being said, I'm not sure this is the place for me. I think that I've made myself fairly clear on what I'm looking for - does anyone have a suggestion as to where I could go?

 

Please stay. You are a good writer and have interesting ideas. It takes all kinds on here to create a balance.

 

There are some "one hit wonder" posters on here, who jump on certain topics and post the same response time after time, sometimes without really listening that closely.

 

To others, the OP wasn't asking for advice on what to do about the affair. She was asking for advice about what to do now, after the affair, when she felt unattracted to her husband. So I think the post was taken off topic when the judgement started getting harsh. What she should have done in the past is somewhat irrelevant.

 

I suppose whether she should divorce is an open question, but, "You should divorce because your husband deserves better," is certainly harsh.

 

It is interesting to me that on these boards cheating is seen as a betrayal but divorce is not, presumably because it is honest while cheating isn't. But divorce still breaks the promise to stay with a spouse through good and bad. And the breaking of that promise is also a betrayal. Perhaps the OP's hesitancy to divorce is from a desire not to let her spouse down a second time.

[mrmaximum]

You know what, I am surprised at what I'm reading here. You know Sug, OED, Story, your hearts are in the right place, that is a fact but IMHO your heart and soul is being wasted on someone so selfish. Never once did she mention her love for her husband, never once did she mention that she was sorry, never once did she mention anyone else other that herself, and the fact that her life has now become less than satisfactory be her own actions!! NEVER that her marriage may be in jeapordy, or that she has hurt her hubby so!! C'mon, you guys would know some selfish people in your lives, tell me, do you actually like them, you like being around them? You guys are pointing your fingers at us and saying that we are so quick to judge when she has shown that she doesn't see the world past her own nose!! I had actualy confused her with someone else who had an @ss for a husband, until I re-read and there is no mention of him being less than ideal until AFTER the affair!! Instead of talking to her life partner about it, she let an affair 'just happen'? How do you do that, exactly? When you are committed to someone, how does something like that 'just happen'? I like Ladyjane's post, she challenges you to realize that the one person who posted some good direct advice (that would put her on the hot seat no less) she completely ignores, but responds to a person who comerserates with her. You are giving her far more credit that she deserves, heck for a while some people thought that this was a troll post, I for one thought so too, I didn't think anyone had the audcity to write something that made them look so outright selfish and cold hearted. You talk about her like she is some victim who needs help and a hug. Her poor hubby is the one that needs that, he has no idea what's going on or even how to fix it. Like I said, I have no problem assisting a cheater who has realized that they have done wrong and that they have hurt someone that loves them, this woman apparently doesn't care about her hubby's feelings or even his health for that matter, just that this situation (that she herself caused) has now come to a point that she no longer can accept, but she isn't accepting responsiblity for her actions!! I can't remember who posted it but one of the posters you condemned said something that makes perfect sense, this marriage is headed for trouble unless she gets her head out of the clouds and stops thinking about herself as the sole victim here. The collateral damage from this one is going to be huge!!

[Salicious Crumb]

Salicious Crumb seems particularly nasty.

 

If the truth is nasty....so be it.

[Salicious Crumb]

thank you "guest" for pointing this very natural thing out to these people. I am not whoever you all think I am and was seriously trying to get any advice as I don't want to destroy my relationship over having good sex

 

Oh no...you didn't say good sex...you referred to this OM as "the best"...so tell me...if that is the way you really feel..then why don't you just cut your husband loose and pursue the sex you perceive as "the best"?

 

I personally believe people can love more then one person at a time .

 

If that is the way you truly feel..then I stand by my original words before...you are not fit to be married.

 

Just so you know I did come back to see what everyone said... but it looks like I won't be bothering with this community anymore.

 

Good...looks like you can go somewhere where the people sympathize with you wanting sex with someone other than your husband.

[Salicious Crumb]

I do love my husband, very much but these feeling that I finally felt I am trying to wrap my head around.

 

Wrong..if you are wanting to f#ck another man, then no...you do not love your husband.

 

We are looking for support, advise and friendship in a time when we feel the most alone.

 

Well what kind of advice do you think tryxx is going to get when she tells everyone in here that the OM is "the best"??

 

What else is there except divorce her husband so she can selfishly pursue "the best"?

 

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and you are not as horrible as everyone on the web site seem to say.

 

Yes...she is...and so are you.

[whichwayisup]

I personally believe people can love more then one person at a time .

 

Maybe, but you have a choice in how you deal with those feelings that you 'think' is love. I think what you may have felt for your OM was lust, passion, and the feelings that happen at the beginning of a relationship. Ofcourse you may confuse that with love...But, once the honeymoon feelings go away, that is the real test to see if it is "love" or not.

 

I think you loved the way he made you feel in bed, how you felt about yourself - But that isn't true love. If it was, you would have divorced your husband and moved away with the OM.

[Storyrider]

You know what, I am surprised at what I'm reading here. You know Sug, OED, Story, your hearts are in the right place, that is a fact but IMHO your heart and soul is being wasted on someone so selfish...this marriage is headed for trouble unless she gets her head out of the clouds and stops thinking about herself as the sole victim here. The collateral damage from this one is going to be huge!!

 

I went back and reread it too. I think her statement that the affair "just happened" shows a lack of reflection and an unwillingness to take personal responsibility. Her later statement that one can love two people at once, well, that is also questionable. In fact, that is probably the reason she doesn't have sexual/romantic feelings for her husband--because what was left of them were transferred to her lover.

 

However, I still stand by my statement that the harsher judgement is counterproductive, especially since the OP said she wouldn't return because of it. Not to mention the people reading these threads who might be scared off from posting.

[tryxy]

okay... I obviously can't respond to all of this that has been said. My first post was rushed and I didn't go into all the details. I was trying to find ways to rekindle the sexual relationship with my husband. Perhaps I should have left the affair out of it and gone to another forum. My second post came after reading many posts that were far from constructive critism. I feel like why should I be sitting here defending myself to a bunch of strangers.

 

Even though that is how I feel... I thought you all might like to hear the more detailed version... since my first rushed post just came off as selfish

 

I would like to clarify for you though that this situation is way more complicated then what I can even post on this forum for all of you to understand. I can already see that there are few of you that would never agree with my concept of loving more then one person and sharing those sexual experiences with my husband (I've let him invite a couple women into my bed with and without me present). Perhaps it would make you all feel better for me to talk about my husband for a moment so that you don't think I am so incredulously involved in myself. We came upon this Open Relationship after my husband had a couple affairs early in our relationship and I forgave him, we worked it out - I love him and was willing to get past it... granted we were only 17-18 so I wrote off to sexual exploration. We decided that if we wanted to explore sex with other people it would be at approval of each other or together with other people - (we are 25 years young, and have been together 10 years, married for 6). The problem all started here: I have this feeling of a double standard. That he gets to be with more women and I don't EVER get to be with other men... until this OM came into our lives. In this case there is a connection - My husband was there when I first had sex with this OM. Not everytime thereafter which is where I become dishonest.

 

I know there is a double standard and I am fearful of telling him what happened. He wouldn't be so understanding about it like I am of him - when something "just happens - that wasn't planned-so he couldn't ask first" I instead decide to save my marriage, rekindle my passion with my husband based on this learning experience and not get myself into this sort of mess again. There are few men that I would have this attraction to so I figure this is a safe path to follow.

 

And to honestly answer your questions - yes I would still have this struggle because of the strong lust and that me and OM shared together if OM hadn't moved. I believe this is a fate intervention to stop me from creating more harm to my marriage and to realize the problem that led me to do it in the first place. HUMAN emotions come to play when you care for someone and share yourself with them and I will stay in touch. That doesn't mean I will have an emotional affair. Even if you think it is JUST sex. I think that is JUST shallow.

 

So now to confuse matters worse you might understand why I didn't present this whole conundrum to you all to begin with...

 

I'm sure that just created quite the firestorm. You will probably tell me I am in a dysfunctional marriage and we should both call it quits with this sort of attitute!

 

thank you for the constructive advice and even for the blunt and brutal advice too.

[Rooster_DAR]

I'm going to try something a little different and actually offer some nonjudgmental advice.

 

Tryxy: I think now that the A is over and you are not considering actively seeking out another one, you ought to sit down with your H and have a heart to heart with him and tell him that his bedroom technique is not doing it for you anymore. Tell him you'd like to try out some "moves you found online" and show him what the OM was doing that got your motor revving. Maybe you could try some role-playing and let him "pick you up" in a bar as though you were a stranger or an old flame. Pretend that he is forbidden and see where that takes you.

 

This won't work, she is emotionally (and sexually) invested in somebody new. The only thing on her side is that the O/M is at a distance, and only at this distance does their relationship stand a chance. The affair has started, and once in progress it painfully hard to stop the infatuation. She is going to have to decide if she wants to stay and rediscover her love for her husband, or keep move on and let her husband find someone who is more faithful.

 

Regards,

[Rooster_DAR]

Ignore my last post, I was way behind in the thread. oopps.

 

[RecordProducer]

Now I have a problem. It seems when I am in bed with my H everything he does turns me off. I can't get aroused and I don't feel attracted to him anymore. The sex styles are so different. I feel like the initial lust of a new person was most of it with the OM but how do I overcome this?!

 

I am wondering if having someone I felt attracted to and passionate with after all that time made me realize I was in a relationship that was no longer fufilling my sexual needs. Any ideas for me on how to save my sex life after having the best?

I am afraid that the problem began earlier and the affair was just a consequence of your general dissatisfaction with your marriage. You didn't state what other problems you have, but it sounds like you're not attracted to your husband on many levels.

 

Unfortunately, you only have 3 basic choices:

1. stay married and try to work on your marriage

2. stay married and sleep around

3. get divorced

 

I don't know if you have children, but I think cheating will bring you more pain and trouble in the long run than fun. I am sure the spark between you and your husband can be brought back if you talk to him about reviving your marriage. Marriage counseling would probably help.

[jmargel]

IMO the ONLY way an open relationship would ever work is when you have a bond, trust and security that is so tight that it is beyond the norm. However your open relationship started due to your husband cheating on you, which is the total opposite of what an open relationship is to be about. You then took this as a revenge on your husband later in life.

 

The communication between you two is severly lacking. If you want to save this relationship you two really need to see a MC and make this relationship a closed one. If you check out any swinging forum and read some of their stories you will see from their own words that swinging is not for everyone. It can cause way too many problems like it has yours.

[tryxy]

you are very right about the open relationship thing... perhaps we were young and naive and didn't realize the effects it would have. Now that I realize this in full ... after my own actions slapped me in the face I am in damage control mode.

[mrmaximum]

Well I shouldn't have been so hard on you in the past, it took cojones to post all the details here, I have to give you that. As for the open relationship thing, well it isn't my cup of tea but it does work for some. I think the trouble started when you accepted your hubby's actions (affairs) in the beginning. That wasn't really cool and you should have put your foot down. Your perception of the relationship where he seems to get more 'action' may not be as warped as you think, again setting up more situations in your marriage. Sounds like it's time to set things straight and get things out in the open, and I'm curious to know how if you have an open relationship that what you did was an affair? I guess that this is the complications of such and arrangement. I do hope things work out for you.

 

Take Care

[GuessI'mHere]

I must say, for one, I didn't think you were in an open marriage. If you would have said that from the beginning, you probably wouldn't have gotten as much sarcasm as then now (You probably wouldn't have gotten as many posts either since many posters have never been in open relationships.)

[NeverLate]

Why does she not come back? Because she doesnt need all of your pathetic, bitter and worthless critisim. Once again instead of being supportive, caring, sympathetic, you are judgemental, critical, pious and utterly sad. I just come back here to get a good laugh now and then. You all really need to get a life and move on. Once you all let go of the hate inside of you that is eating your insides out then you will start to heal and move on. Until then please keep your hate to yourselves.

 

NL

[mrmaximum]

Why does she not come back? Because she doesnt need all of your pathetic, bitter and worthless critisim. Once again instead of being supportive, caring, sympathetic, you are judgemental, critical, pious and utterly sad. I just come back here to get a good laugh now and then. You all really need to get a life and move on. Once you all let go of the hate inside of you that is eating your insides out then you will start to heal and move on. Until then please keep your hate to yourselves.

 

NL

 

Well dude, I guess you never read all the other posts before you rendered your pious judgement. Even I apologized for my prior statements after she did come back and explain the whole deal. You have just done to us what you condemn so completely, essentially making you no better than us. I don't know if you have ever been cheated on, if you have, well kudos for getting over it, if you haven't, keep your judgements to yourself, you have no idea what this means and that was pretty clear when you posted this crap.

[tryxy]

Since writing I have realized that another one of the factors pushing us apart from each other was my partners drug abuse. I brought this up to him that he lies to me about what he is on and he came to a crashing realization that he was pushing me away more then he knew. This new found revelation for him was enlightening and blew a breath of fresh air into our relationship. If all people in his situation had these moments of clarity things would be much easier for partners of drug users. My Husband has always been in tune with this "6th Sense" and now that he quit doing the drugs (for a couple weeks at least) he is more in tune. Very bizarre ...

 

I haven't said anything to him about anything with OM and there is no way he would know anything... and all of a sudden I was out one night and he started to panic and came and got me - he had a premonition that something terrible was going to happen to me. I was going to die. And he thought this OM had something to do with it! We later discussed that my dieing in his premonition was actually him loosing me in metaphor. I didn't have the heart to say anything to him about what the OM had to do with it. But I know that its because he was contributing to pulling me in the other direction. It goes to show that when you are this in tune with your other half they just "KNOW".

 

My husband and I have begun taking walks every evening when he gets home to have some time to ourselves and to talk. As weird as it sounds we have scheduled time to be together ... and I have realized that maybe it was more of the drug use that made him so unattractive.

 

I still struggle internally because me and OM did have a strong connection and I feel loss now that we don't share that any longer. I miss him and long for the creative exchange again (we both pushed each others art in new directions). I know that people recommend no contact but I feel that honesty with that person is best. I've not discussed my feelings of loss with him though. I keep it to myself as I deserve the torture I have created.

 

Perhaps I write here just to release a bit of it.

[Merle]

Hi Tryxy, my impression is that having sexual intercourse produced profound subconscious changes in my wife that she was not be aware of and affected her personality and mood in many ways.. This is why affairs are dangerous to marriage. Your incredible sex with your lover is a wonderful thrill but an insult to your marriage.

 

I have been married for 30 years and I have known my wife since I was 17. We had sex then but went our own ways for several years before we got married. She had an affair about 15 years ago with a married man she met on a business trip. She had been working out and had a lovely figure. I was very busy with my work and did not notice it at first. I was devastated when I learned about it and it and it has changed forever the level of trust we once had.

 

I knew my wife quite intimately I noticed that she had developed what seemed to me an irrational, magical image of him which kept her from seeing the results of her actions. She too is an artist and at one point believed she needed him for inspiration. In my view this was crap and was in reality related to a lack of confidence in her then newly developing work. She has done quite well since it ended. Her lover began having trouble with his marriage and he ended up in counciling. As we did. He was gradually forgotten and we have mostly recovered. I felt betrayed and wanted to leave but I did not want to give up the rich history we had together. There is no right or wrong choice. I thought I made the best choice at the time. We have had many happy times since then but I would have preferred it never happened. It has left its scars and I might have been happier if I just left..

 

If you recover from this you both are forever changed. If you believe like I did that your relationship is worth saving you should work on it (which sounds like what you are doing).

 

You have some other serious issues to deal with.

 

It appears your spouse does sense a problem. Could this may have led him to increased drug use? He may know but be in denial.

 

If OM asked, would you leave your husband? Are you still committed to an open marriage? What secrets is you husband keeping from you? Et cetera.

 

My prayers are with you.

[Batman7]

Tell your husband what you did and see who is totally unattracted to who at that point. Not trying to sound mean, but geeeeez!

[mental_traveller]

okay... I obviously can't respond to all of this that has been said. My first post was rushed and I didn't go into all the details.

 

This is probably why you felt the replies were "brutal". If you don't give all the relevant details, you can't blame people for misinterpreting your situation.

 

Anyway, I would just say that what happened with you has amply demonstrated the dangers of having an open relationship/marriage. The fact is, having sex with other people, especially if you really fancy them and have a strong passionate love life with them, creates emotional bonds. If you can love two people at the same time, how come your feelings for your husband started to wither? If you can love two then you'd keep strong feelings for both of them. The biological fact is that women especially tend to bond with who they are sleeping with. If you have a more fulfilling sex life with one of your swinging partners then it is naturally going to interfere with your marriage.

 

IMO if you keep up this lifestyle, you or your husband will eventually meet another person who you have a stronger sexual connection with, and the same problem will occur again. This is why open marriages have a far higher failure rate than normal ones.