really at a loss

[srosenberg75]

Hi guys, could really use some advice.

 

I've been going strong with this girl for about a 4 months now, and I really really like her. Everything has been going wonderfully, up until 2 days ago. She came over and I could just sence something was bothering her, but she denied it up until right before she left. She said she was mad at me but couldnt explain why, and then went on to list a few incidents and then ended by saying "i dont know exactly, you need to figure out what you want", and before I could really say anything she left, not crying, but clearly distrought.

 

I later asked her what she meant, because none of the things she mentioned really made any sense to me. basically, she said, or really i infered and she acknowledged, that I wasnt including her in my life enough and went on these stretches of just not beig around for a while. Which, if it was just that, i think things would be okay because she is right for the most part, and i promised her i would work at being more open.

But then today she came over, already nearly in tears, and sat down, and when i began to talk to her, and told her i was sorry and how i didnt realize that had been bothering her, and that im always thinking of her,she then did start crying and ran out to her car.

 

she didnt leave and i sat in the car with her for a while, at that point i was really at a loss for words, nothing seemed to be helping, so i asked her to talk about it, and she kept denying anything was wrong. she finally told me 'I'm mad at my mother, not you", and then left. but i cant bring myself to believe that, or at least its not the full story.

 

Guys, this seems like a really great site, with knowldgeable and caring members, do you guys have any ideas; what do i do/ say? i feel like she wants me to talk, but i dont have any clue what shes looking for me to say, and she wont say anything. Help much much appreicated.

[oppath]

Well, there may be something big going on in her life that has nothing to do with you. Or, she is upset with you, but is passive, or even passive aggressive with you. Her not telling you what was bothering her until just before she left, and not giving you a chance to respond is passive-aggressive and it is manipulative.

 

I'd be patient with her for now until you find out what is going on, but I'd also assert a boundary. I'd tell her that clearly she is upset about things, and you feel confused because you don't know what, and that you would prefer to openly and honestly talk about it because you care about her, and that you feel it is important to communicate assertively.

 

Her behavior is either a major red flag or there is something else going on in her life.