outofdarkness Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 about the phone number. At first he seemed truly seemed to not know what I was talking about. I told him how I found the phone number and that it should still be in his pocket. He went and looked (in front of me) and it wasn't there. He asked me what it was written on and what it said. When I told him he didn't get defensive he just said that it was a co-worker who was on vacation and had asked him to check her email and voicemail for her while she was gone and that the cell number was so that he could contact her if there was anything urgent she needed to handle. Fair enough. He wasn't sh*tty about it, just frustrated that I didn't ask him about it out right on the day I found it. I know I have some serious trust issues with him and I told him he hasn't done much to try to rebuild that trust. He admitted that he doesn't know WHAT to do about that. He said all he can do is be where he says he's going to be and he has been doing that for quite some time. I guess for now that's all I can expect. Truly I don't know what more I can ask for. Checking the voice mail of a female coworker while she's on vacation sounds like an excuse to me, and even if it IS true..That is not usually the way things are done in a business setting...Most now have automated away messages on voice mail and give a # that clients/others can call for assistance...I don't think you are out of line for being suspicious on this one. Also, why would the # be stuffed in his pocked? If it's purely a coworker helping out for business purposes, then it would be in his blackberry, phone, roladex??? Anwhere but stuffed in his pocket. Just my take on it. The fact that he seemed frustrated that you are having trouble trusting him is to me, a red flag b/c he got caught and is trying to project his guilt onto you.
Author addicted2love Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 Checking the voice mail of a female coworker while she's on vacation sounds like an excuse to me, and even if it IS true..That is not usually the way things are done in a business setting...Most now have automated away messages on voice mail and give a # that clients/others can call for assistance...I don't think you are out of line for being suspicious on this one. Also, why would the # be stuffed in his pocked? If it's purely a coworker helping out for business purposes, then it would be in his blackberry, phone, roladex??? Anwhere but stuffed in his pocket. Just my take on it. The fact that he seemed frustrated that you are having trouble trusting him is to me, a red flag b/c he got caught and is trying to project his guilt onto you. Who knows...I do know that at his job they do check email and voice mail for other co-workers when they are out of the office. In months past he has told me about other co-workers complaining about it when there are too many people out at the same time. Who knows. Yes, it could be a likely excuse...When I asked him about it he said she handed him her info as he was on the way out the door to come home and he just shoved it in his pocket (this was supposedly Tuesday which is the same day I found it) The voice mail pass word is for the work extention...his is a similar number more digets then a regular voice mail PIN. At this point I don't know what to believe anymore. Ususally I can trust my gut on most things but my gut and my head are so out of synch these days...I don't know if I'm coming or going! All I can say is that if he's lying again the truth will present itself eventually.
silktricks Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 A2L, the very fact that you can't tell what to believe anymore shows that you've pushed yourself too far. That doesn't mean that things can't work out, but it does mean that you need to seriously take care of yourself. My first husband was a serial cheater - who could lie like the dickens. I swear to god, he would lie about EVERYTHING, until you'd practically think the earth was blue and the sky brown. Unlike your father, my father was overjoyed when I divorced him, but everyone else thought he was so kind, charismatic, lovable, etc, etc, etc. Although it's possible that the phone number was innocent, it really isn't very likely that he'd have a cell phone number so that he could check voicemail messages. . . is it??? You can find out who owns the number. If it's owned by the company he works for, then he's probably telling the truth - if not --- well, then --- not. You asked earlier if a serial cheater could change. Anybody can change if they really truly want to do it. It's the really truly part that's the catch. Serial cheaters seem to get off on being the center of attention. In real life nobody gets to be the center all the time, that's why the attraction is so strong for getting into these serial situations where they are the center of someone's universe all the time. Good luck to you.
outofdarkness Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Who knows...I do know that at his job they do check email and voice mail for other co-workers when they are out of the office. In months past he has told me about other co-workers complaining about it when there are too many people out at the same time. Who knows. Yes, it could be a likely excuse...When I asked him about it he said she handed him her info as he was on the way out the door to come home and he just shoved it in his pocket (this was supposedly Tuesday which is the same day I found it) The voice mail pass word is for the work extention...his is a similar number more digets then a regular voice mail PIN. At this point I don't know what to believe anymore. Ususally I can trust my gut on most things but my gut and my head are so out of synch these days...I don't know if I'm coming or going! All I can say is that if he's lying again the truth will present itself eventually. ok..I'll buy into checking other coworker's messages, although nowdays, it seems pretty peculiar, but a CELL phone?? If the coworkers are checking each other's mess., then it would be a work #? Or do they all only use their cells and no land lines??? I don't really know about his particular work setting, occupation, etc., so it's hard for me to really say, but I've never heard of a coworker checking another coworker's cell phone voice mail...Just my take on it. I could be wrong. Sorry about your gut being sort of confused right now...I know that's tough...Try going with your brain instead of your heart right now, hard as that may be. And...imagine if a friend were telling you this story..What would be YOUR response. That has helped me out in these types of situations...If you CAN separate the two and put yourself on the outside looking in, you can sometimes tell if your sort of in denial...And, as the other poster said, serial cheaters are excellent liars...until the cows come home!!! Hope I've helped. Keep coming back...
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 about the phone number. At first he seemed truly seemed to not know what I was talking about. I told him how I found the phone number and that it should still be in his pocket. He went and looked (in front of me) and it wasn't there. He asked me what it was written on and what it said. When I told him he didn't get defensive he just said that it was a co-worker who was on vacation and had asked him to check her email and voicemail for her while she was gone and that the cell number was so that he could contact her if there was anything urgent she needed to handle. Do this to satisfy your gut feeling on the cell number. You know its a womans cell number and you know that your H has the number. But according to him, its to let her know if something urgent comes up while she is on vacation. OK...did you write down the cell number on the note? or do you remember what it was? Do you have access to your H's detailed cell phone bill? If yes to all. Then look at your H's next detailed billing statment. If this womans number shows up more that once or twice AND more than 7 day time span of her vacation dates. Then to me, something wouldnt seem right with his story. If the number only shows up 1 time, or not at all. Then you know he was being honest....and building trust
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I know I have some serious trust issues with him and I told him he hasn't done much to try to rebuild that trust. He admitted that he doesn't know WHAT to do about that. He said all he can do is be where he says he's going to be and he has been doing that for quite some time. I guess for now that's all I can expect. Truly I don't know what more I can ask for. If you havent asked already....Ask to see his detailed cell phone bill. State it that if you had access to this, it would help you trust him. if he has nothing fishy going on...he will have no problem with this......if he is hesitant in anyway...i would gander there are things on there he cant or dont want to explain. watch his reaction closely when you ask him....
Author addicted2love Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 If you havent asked already....Ask to see his detailed cell phone bill. State it that if you had access to this, it would help you trust him. if he has nothing fishy going on...he will have no problem with this......if he is hesitant in anyway...i would gander there are things on there he cant or dont want to explain. watch his reaction closely when you ask him.... TMW...I handle all of the bills...always have. I will check into it. Like I said...if he's lying the truth will come out eventually...it always does.
CardPlay3r Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Ok a2l it's simple, if you stay with him you're basically accepting he will keep cheating on you, if you don't want that leave. Complaining about it to no end does no good he'll still keep doing it. Oh and btw, it is the norm for cheaters to be super nice to their wives/gfs while cheating because of guilt...so that's another red flag, a sudden change in how he treats you
Author addicted2love Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Ok a2l it's simple, if you stay with him you're basically accepting he will keep cheating on you, if you don't want that leave. Complaining about it to no end does no good he'll still keep doing it. yep...that's why I named this thread glutton for punishment Oh and btw, it is the norm for cheaters to be super nice to their wives/gfs while cheating because of guilt...so that's another red flag, a sudden change in how he treats you Like I said....I'm at the point where even the reasonable seems like a lie these days. Can't tell anymore if it's my imagination...or he's lying. Either way it's not easy to walk away from 13 years of marriage and a family that I was once so proud of. If nothing else he's an EXCELLENT father. I know he could be an excellent single father as well but when your kid runs to the door yelling Dadddddyyyyy!!! when he comes home every night it's difficult to take that away from her.
outofdarkness Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 yep...that's why I named this thread glutton for punishment Like I said....I'm at the point where even the reasonable seems like a lie these days. Can't tell anymore if it's my imagination...or he's lying. Either way it's not easy to walk away from 13 years of marriage and a family that I was once so proud of. If nothing else he's an EXCELLENT father. I know he could be an excellent single father as well but when your kid runs to the door yelling Dadddddyyyyy!!! when he comes home every night it's difficult to take that away from her. I don't think an "excellent" Father would cheat on your kid's Mom...I know it's difficult to think of walking away..but you don't have to totally walk away from the M...You could just give yourself some time away to gain some perspective, set some boundries and get into ANY sort of counseling.. As I said in an earlier post, my H was a serial cheater as well, and like an LS member told me who seems very wise in these matters, it's tough for a lepard to change it's spots. Not impossible, but REALLY tough. The M that stay "clean" are definately in the minority... Hope you are doing better today..I am thinking of you and praying for you...
silktricks Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Oh and btw, it is the norm for cheaters to be super nice to their wives/gfs while cheating because of guilt I think this is a myth. I've been cheated on by two different men. Neither were nice to me while cheating. I've had a few friends whose husbands cheated, they experienced the same thing I did. While cheating my husbands both treated me badly (even aside from the cheating). It seems to me more that men (with the possible exception of serial cheaters) make excuses to cheat by convincing themselves that their wives are not treating them right.
Sup Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 A2L, I suggest the next time you talk about what HE did, you tell him about your EA. Time for hubby to "WAKE UP"!
outofdarkness Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I think this is a myth. I've been cheated on by two different men. Neither were nice to me while cheating. I've had a few friends whose husbands cheated, they experienced the same thing I did. While cheating my husbands both treated me badly (even aside from the cheating). It seems to me more that men (with the possible exception of serial cheaters) make excuses to cheat by convincing themselves that their wives are not treating them right. yep, I agree. My H mistreated myself and our kids for years, and I blamed myself. I kept trying and trying to do things differently or better, thinking that mabey it would stop. If I knew his poor behavior-treatment of us was due to cheating, it was not on a conscience level...I have found that this is more the rule then the exception. Most MM WILL mistreat their families, ie..pick fights w/ W or even kids to feel "ok" about the cheating or even just to have an excuse to leave and see the OW...
outofdarkness Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 A2L, I suggest the next time you talk about what HE did, you tell him about your EA. Time for hubby to "WAKE UP"! ok..I think this was sort of a "low blow"..
Author addicted2love Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 A2L, I suggest the next time you talk about what HE did, you tell him about your EA. Time for hubby to "WAKE UP"! What exactly do you think this would accomplish? Or are you just trying to get a "dig" in at me. Seriously I would like to know.
ridingthebulls Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Thanks TMW...I swear I just don't understand...why he feels the need to do this over and over again. I'm such a good person, sweet, kind, generous, giving, supportive. I don't have low self esteem (I think he does though) I'm smart, beautiful, confident and funny...and have been an awesome wife and mother....so why the need to sleep with these OW? If my calculations are correct and I've narrowed it down to the right girl then I'm shocked and amazed. She's not cute and twice my size. He told me once that he would be more attracted to me if I lost so weight...so I did...I'm the size I was in high school. This girls butt is three times the size of mine! So I just don't get it. Two of the three other girls he slept with were not all that either...not that looks are everything...believe me I'm not that shallow but come on now! If your gonna cheat at least take a step up!... sorry just had to vent. You sound so full of yourself. LOL Obviously your husband doesn't think that highly of you if he's into someone else's snatch! No offense, but I don't care what you THINK you look like, you might be hell (or boring as hell) to live with.
ridingthebulls Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 You are almost correct... xOW... long distance EA w/ an old flame that came back into my life and professed undying love. Blah blah blah... Fell for every word...doesn't make it right I know...but when you've been hurt over and over again it does make it easier to fall for someone who gives you what you've been missing. And you dumped the other guy for a hubby that doesn't even want ya?
ridingthebulls Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 You just discribed him to a tee! He's everyone's hero...go to guy..etc. Everyone's but mine. Everyone see's him as this "great guy" that is so smart, funny, friendly and outgoing. He is very charismatic and charming. Last summer I was ready to leave him and went to my parents for support. My father told me I was out of my mind...that he was a wonderful man and I would be stupid to D him. I then told my father of the A's (trying to make him understand why I wanted out) He told me I needed to look at myself...my short comings in the M...lose some weight...bla bla bla...If I get any freakin thinner I'll blow away! I know it's not about "looks" and most times it isn't even about the sex... I've NEVER rejected him in the bedroom...actually he's the one who rejects me constantly and always has. I used to think that it just wasn't important to him until I found out about the 1st A. Then I thought maybe it's me...now i KNOW it isn't me. He's the one that begged to stay married...said he'd do anything...loves me more than anything, and would just be lost without me...funny way of showing it! He loves what you do for him as a wife... while he gets his sexual kicks elsewhere.
Author addicted2love Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 You sound so full of yourself. LOL Obviously your husband doesn't think that highly of you if he's into someone else's snatch! No offense, but I don't care what you THINK you look like, you might be hell (or boring as hell) to live with. No offense? Are you kidding me? You couldn't be more offensive if you tried! I'm not full of myself it's called confidence...and yes I have lots of it...hubby on the other hand..not so much. As far as boring...my friends and family would totally disagree with you. But hey...you must KNOW me right?! Just curious...do you get off on being nasty to strangers? You must lead a pretty boring life yourself if that's the case!
Author addicted2love Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 And you dumped the other guy for a hubby that doesn't even want ya? Yep...should have married the "other guy" when I had the chance!
Sup Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 What exactly do you think this would accomplish? Or are you just trying to get a "dig" in at me. Seriously I would like to know. It was NOT intended as a low blow as another poster put it. As a matter of fact I was thinking it would make HIM aware of how much damage that your husband has caused you from HIS cheating, it pretty much sent you looking for someone else. However, this may not work, considering what he has done. This "dig" you refer to doesn't exist. But, like I said if I were you I would've left him already. You deserve better.
outofdarkness Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 You sound so full of yourself. LOL Obviously your husband doesn't think that highly of you if he's into someone else's snatch! No offense, but I don't care what you THINK you look like, you might be hell (or boring as hell) to live with. sheesh...why do you have to be so mean?
Author addicted2love Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 It was NOT intended as a low blow as another poster put it. As a matter of fact I was thinking it would make HIM aware of how much damage that your husband has caused you from HIS cheating, it pretty much sent you looking for someone else. However, this may not work, considering what he has done. This "dig" you refer to doesn't exist. But, like I said if I were you I would've left him already. You deserve better. Good to know...it came across that way...although it is hard to judge the tone of written words sometimes...
Sup Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Good to know...it came across that way...although it is hard to judge the tone of written words sometimes... Didn't mean to, yeah, it's hard to tell sometimes........
RecoverMe Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Sorry, I just read your original thread, and the three times caught me. I say 3 strikes and he's O-U-T!
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