addicted2love Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Last night I put on my H coat to go outside and move my car. When I reached in his pocket for the keys I found a note with a cell phone number on it. No name just the "my cell # is....." and "thanks, you are wonderful" Of course I dialed the # and a woman answered. I blocked my #. I hung up. Then looked up the phone number and area code. Then looked up all of the women he has on his myspace. Matched up the area code with the location...turns out to be a female co-worker. My H has cheated on me 3 other times. At this point I don't even know anymore what is suspicious behavior and what is gut instinct. He's been super nice to me lately...ususally he ignores me completely. He started going "out" to play trivia w/ co-workers once a week...also out of character for him to go out on a weeknight or at all for that matter. When he talks about this "particular" co-worker he tells me how stupid she is and how he can't stand her. My H is the kind of person that can be rude and very condicending to people when he doesn't care for them. I'm certain if he truly couldn't stand this girl she would NOT be telling him how wonderful he is. Once again I find myself in the possition of being suspicious but I'm keeping my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open this time. I have to know for sure that I'm not reading into something that isn't there. I need solid proof before I just blow up and turn our family upside down. He's definately not as slick as he thinks he is because he keeps getting caught...either I'm a glutton for punishment or he just wants to get caught and make me be the "bad guy" by being the one to file for D. Who knows...the funny thing is...I'm not even really upset by it this time. Maybe it's time to set casanova free. This sucks.
a4a Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 my bet is he is a serial cheater....... lose him. cheated 3 times...... why not 4 or 5 or 22 times.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Last night I put on my H coat to go outside and move my car. When I reached in his pocket for the keys I found a note with a cell phone number on it. No name just the "my cell # is....." and "thanks, you are wonderful" Of course I dialed the # and a woman answered. I blocked my #. I hung up. Then looked up the phone number and area code. Then looked up all of the women he has on his myspace. Matched up the area code with the location...turns out to be a female co-worker. My H has cheated on me 3 other times. At this point I don't even know anymore what is suspicious behavior and what is gut instinct. He's been super nice to me lately...ususally he ignores me completely. He started going "out" to play trivia w/ co-workers once a week...also out of character for him to go out on a weeknight or at all for that matter. When he talks about this "particular" co-worker he tells me how stupid she is and how he can't stand her. My H is the kind of person that can be rude and very condicending to people when he doesn't care for them. I'm certain if he truly couldn't stand this girl she would NOT be telling him how wonderful he is. Once again I find myself in the possition of being suspicious but I'm keeping my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open this time. I have to know for sure that I'm not reading into something that isn't there. I need solid proof before I just blow up and turn our family upside down. He's definately not as slick as he thinks he is because he keeps getting caught...either I'm a glutton for punishment or he just wants to get caught and make me be the "bad guy" by being the one to file for D. Who knows...the funny thing is...I'm not even really upset by it this time. Maybe it's time to set casanova free. This sucks. red flags honey... cell phone numbers from women.....boundary issue my space and women.....IMO...myspace for a grown married man....just dont make sense to me. I can see it to use for friends and family....but if he has excessive amount of women on there....?????? 3 other affairs...major boundary issue bieng nice to you and going out more......change in behaviour talkin bad about OW.....classic misdirection play....my wife did it all the time.. stay on you toes....get more info, and confornt him
Moose Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 EVERYTHING! Get as much information about all of this together, and keep the file hidden. This will be worth it's weight in platnium.....trust me on this!
Author addicted2love Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 red flags honey... cell phone numbers from women.....boundary issue my space and women.....IMO...myspace for a grown married man....just dont make sense to me. I can see it to use for friends and family....but if he has excessive amount of women on there....?????? 3 other affairs...major boundary issue bieng nice to you and going out more......change in behaviour talkin bad about OW.....classic misdirection play....my wife did it all the time.. stay on you toes....get more info, and confornt him Thanks TMW...I swear I just don't understand...why he feels the need to do this over and over again. I'm such a good person, sweet, kind, generous, giving, supportive. I don't have low self esteem (I think he does though) I'm smart, beautiful, confident and funny...and have been an awesome wife and mother....so why the need to sleep with these OW? If my calculations are correct and I've narrowed it down to the right girl then I'm shocked and amazed. She's not cute and twice my size. He told me once that he would be more attracted to me if I lost so weight...so I did...I'm the size I was in high school. This girls butt is three times the size of mine! So I just don't get it. Two of the three other girls he slept with were not all that either...not that looks are everything...believe me I'm not that shallow but come on now! If your gonna cheat at least take a step up!... sorry just had to vent.
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Can I ask something A2L. Weren't you an OW recently too? Sorry, I can't remember your situation, but I do remember something about a MM in your life. Thumbs is right, the redflags are there, and his behaviour is showing that he is doing something he shouldn't be doing.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Thanks TMW...I swear I just don't understand...why he feels the need to do this over and over again. I'm such a good person, sweet, kind, generous, giving, supportive. I don't have low self esteem (I think he does though) I'm smart, beautiful, confident and funny...and have been an awesome wife and mother....so why the need to sleep with these OW? I too was a good person, sweet, all that...BUT there was something missing for my wife. She needed excitment and compliments. and she got it from OM. Its not YOU. get that straight. Its HIM. And I would bet he has low self esteem too. Does he come across confident and arrogant at times in groups of people? If he does....i would bet that is a front and he does have low selfesteem. IMO...those who seek attetion do so because they need to be noticed and accepted hence being that GUY who gets all the attention. But deep inside he feels lonely. My wife is the same way. Needed to be center of attention. Very confident and cocky...brassy so to speak. AND SHE got LOTS of attention....but look where it got her? And she now admits she does have low self esteem, which I knew she did...she is just to stuborn to own it. Its been a couple years since d-day and i can honestly say....she is becoming humble....she is realising she doenst have to be on SHOW all the time. Be happy within and nothing else matters. If my calculations are correct and I've narrowed it down to the right girl then I'm shocked and amazed. She's not cute and twice my size. He told me once that he would be more attracted to me if I lost so weight...so I did...I'm the size I was in high school. This girls butt is three times the size of mine! So I just don't get it. Two of the three other girls he slept with were not all that either...not that looks are everything...believe me I'm not that shallow but come on now! If your gonna cheat at least take a step up!... sorry just had to vent. its not about looks. its about control and attention. he is getting attention from OW and he likes it....ALOT. It feeds his ego. Doesnt matter what they look like....what matters is they are paying attention to him...and he feels CONTROL over that. Makes him feel wanted and needed. Its not about YOU. Took me a long time to understand that concept. I act and behave in a manner what is right for ME. I am your typical nice guy....too nice sometimes. BUT thats OK. I accept that is the way I am.
Guest Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Why does he keep doing it? Because you keep putting up with it. Why should he change? I bet he thinks you aren't gonna do anything about it. Why would this time be any different after OW 1, OW2 and OW3? You stayed just like he thinks you will with OW4. You really need to do some research on co-dependency. He might love you till the cows come home but his repeated actions are anything but loving. He obviously has no respect for you or the relationship. Have you both been tested for STD's? He's putting your life in danger and you are letting him do that. Instead of looking at what he is doing you need to look at yourself. We teach people how to treat us and you've taught him a very bad lesson.
Author addicted2love Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Can I ask something A2L. Weren't you an OW recently too? Sorry, I can't remember your situation, but I do remember something about a MM in your life. Thumbs is right, the redflags are there, and his behaviour is showing that he is doing something he shouldn't be doing. You are almost correct... xOW... long distance EA w/ an old flame that came back into my life and professed undying love. Blah blah blah... Fell for every word...doesn't make it right I know...but when you've been hurt over and over again it does make it easier to fall for someone who gives you what you've been missing.
Author addicted2love Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Its not YOU. get that straight. Its HIM. And I would bet he has low self esteem too. Does he come across confident and arrogant at times in groups of people? If he does....i would bet that is a front and he does have low selfesteem. IMO...those who seek attetion do so because they need to be noticed and accepted hence being that GUY who gets all the attention. But deep inside he feels lonely You just discribed him to a tee! He's everyone's hero...go to guy..etc. Everyone's but mine. Everyone see's him as this "great guy" that is so smart, funny, friendly and outgoing. He is very charismatic and charming. Last summer I was ready to leave him and went to my parents for support. My father told me I was out of my mind...that he was a wonderful man and I would be stupid to D him. I then told my father of the A's (trying to make him understand why I wanted out) He told me I needed to look at myself...my short comings in the M...lose some weight...bla bla bla...If I get any freakin thinner I'll blow away! I know it's not about "looks" and most times it isn't even about the sex... I've NEVER rejected him in the bedroom...actually he's the one who rejects me constantly and always has. I used to think that it just wasn't important to him until I found out about the 1st A. Then I thought maybe it's me...now i KNOW it isn't me. He's the one that begged to stay married...said he'd do anything...loves me more than anything, and would just be lost without me...funny way of showing it!
Sup Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Last night I put on my H coat to go outside and move my car. When I reached in his pocket for the keys I found a note with a cell phone number on it. No name just the "my cell # is....." and "thanks, you are wonderful" Of course I dialed the # and a woman answered. I blocked my #. I hung up. Then looked up the phone number and area code. Then looked up all of the women he has on his myspace. Matched up the area code with the location...turns out to be a female co-worker. My H has cheated on me 3 other times. At this point I don't even know anymore what is suspicious behavior and what is gut instinct. He's been super nice to me lately...ususally he ignores me completely. He started going "out" to play trivia w/ co-workers once a week...also out of character for him to go out on a weeknight or at all for that matter. When he talks about this "particular" co-worker he tells me how stupid she is and how he can't stand her. My H is the kind of person that can be rude and very condicending to people when he doesn't care for them. I'm certain if he truly couldn't stand this girl she would NOT be telling him how wonderful he is. Once again I find myself in the possition of being suspicious but I'm keeping my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open this time. I have to know for sure that I'm not reading into something that isn't there. I need solid proof before I just blow up and turn our family upside down. He's definately not as slick as he thinks he is because he keeps getting caught...either I'm a glutton for punishment or he just wants to get caught and make me be the "bad guy" by being the one to file for D. Who knows...the funny thing is...I'm not even really upset by it this time. Maybe it's time to set casanova free. This sucks. Maybe he KNOWS about YOUR affair, and figures, why not? She is, why not me? I hope you use this time when you nab him to confess about your affair.
outofdarkness Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Last night I put on my H coat to go outside and move my car. When I reached in his pocket for the keys I found a note with a cell phone number on it. No name just the "my cell # is....." and "thanks, you are wonderful" Of course I dialed the # and a woman answered. I blocked my #. I hung up. Then looked up the phone number and area code. Then looked up all of the women he has on his myspace. Matched up the area code with the location...turns out to be a female co-worker. My H has cheated on me 3 other times. At this point I don't even know anymore what is suspicious behavior and what is gut instinct. He's been super nice to me lately...ususally he ignores me completely. He started going "out" to play trivia w/ co-workers once a week...also out of character for him to go out on a weeknight or at all for that matter. When he talks about this "particular" co-worker he tells me how stupid she is and how he can't stand her. My H is the kind of person that can be rude and very condicending to people when he doesn't care for them. I'm certain if he truly couldn't stand this girl she would NOT be telling him how wonderful he is. Once again I find myself in the possition of being suspicious but I'm keeping my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open this time. I have to know for sure that I'm not reading into something that isn't there. I need solid proof before I just blow up and turn our family upside down. He's definately not as slick as he thinks he is because he keeps getting caught...either I'm a glutton for punishment or he just wants to get caught and make me be the "bad guy" by being the one to file for D. Who knows...the funny thing is...I'm not even really upset by it this time. Maybe it's time to set casanova free. This sucks. My H, who you probrably know, was a serial cheater. There was/is a coworker that he constantly talks about in an unflattering way...ie..She's asks stupid questions, etc...I really didn't think about it till I read your post...Now, I think that may be just his way of trying to somehow throw me off...It's something to think about anyway. Good luck..I've been where you are and know what you are going through. My H cheated for 10 years of our 21 year M...I too, am having a hard time separating what I'm just paranoid about and what might really be something going on. Since D day, he obviously would know how to avoid being caught. In fact, this makes it more of a challenge...
Author addicted2love Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 Maybe he KNOWS about YOUR affair, and figures, why not? She is, why not me? I hope you use this time when you nab him to confess about your affair. I'll make sure to do just that...I can see how his 4 different skanks compares to my emotional attachment to an old flame that lives 9 hours away. In fact I'll make sure to thank my H for treating me like **** over and over again because if he hadn't I probably wouldn't have even responded to xbf/mm. I'm sure he'll get a big kick out of it. If my H asked me flat out about it...I would tell him the truth...unlike him I would own up to it. you'll have to forgive my sarcasm but I believe I did say two wrongs don't make a right...also that I ended all communication w/ mm. I've been married for 13 years...my H has had four physical A's. (of course I'm still speculating about number 4 at this point) Yes I rekindled an emotional connection with someone I've loved since I was very young. I can see how that compares.
Author addicted2love Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 My H, who you probrably know, was a serial cheater. There was/is a coworker that he constantly talks about in an unflattering way...ie..She's asks stupid questions, etc...I really didn't think about it till I read your post...Now, I think that may be just his way of trying to somehow throw me off...It's something to think about anyway. Good luck..I've been where you are and know what you are going through. My H cheated for 10 years of our 21 year M...I too, am having a hard time separating what I'm just paranoid about and what might really be something going on. Since D day, he obviously would know how to avoid being caught. In fact, this makes it more of a challenge... OOD...do you think it's the "chase" that they are addicted to? Also...it's really the fact that he speaks so lowly of this person that is the biggest red flag. Do you really think a serial cheater can reform? I'm starting to think that it's not possible.
outofdarkness Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 OOD...do you think it's the "chase" that they are addicted to? Also...it's really the fact that he speaks so lowly of this person that is the biggest red flag. Do you really think a serial cheater can reform? I'm starting to think that it's not possible. Yes, I do believe that a serial cheater can be reformed. It takes alot of work and lots of time..It's not something they can be "cured" of..It's like an addiction, and ALL addictions can be managed...It takes so much diligence, support and treatment. The person has to really hit a big bump in the road, in my opinion, for a change to start to take place. Sometimes, it's a W who files for D, sometimes it's a family intervention, and sometimes, it's just that the person can't live with themselves anymore. It's a lifelong struggle, and one which the person must stay on top of every day. In my H's case, it was the "thrill of the chase" and the secrecy that fed his addiction. It's a control thing and also, I firmly believe that many of these people have something in their past that they can't deal with...hence the addiction. Sometimes, the person is just a sociopath and enjoys seeing other's suffer, whether it's the W or OW...I don't believe this is the case most of the time, but I do know they are out there, and they seem to be just like your next door neighbor...friendly, compassinate, etc... Re: The red flag...In MY case it was the fact that he was speaking about this coworker in an unflattering way...I would rather say; however, that it was just odd that her name was mentioned at ALL so frequently. I have seen posts on LS that say if you pick up on a name being dropped frequently, even in a casual way, this is a red flag...Everyone's situation is different, but if it's out of charachter for your H to mention female coworkers at ALL, then I would consider it to be a red flag...It just depends on the person in question and what their M.O. is. Hope I've helped..Please let me know if I can help again. You can always P.M. me if you are set up...
stillafool Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 A2l, I don't know why you are still with this guy. If I were you and married to a serial cheater I would stop wondering about him and start wondering about me and asking myself this question. Why do I feel I am not worthy of someone's respect, honesty and fidelity? Please don't say it's because you took your marriage vows seriously. God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. Actions speak louder than words and it doesn't matter if your h tells you he loves you 1000 times a day, his actions are telling you he has no respect for you whatsoever. I'm sorry to be harsh but it is no longer his fault that he is treating you this way but your fault for allowing it.
Author addicted2love Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 A2l, I don't know why you are still with this guy. If I were you and married to a serial cheater I would stop wondering about him and start wondering about me and asking myself this question. Why do I feel I am not worthy of someone's respect, honesty and fidelity? Please don't say it's because you took your marriage vows seriously. God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. Actions speak louder than words and it doesn't matter if your h tells you he loves you 1000 times a day, his actions are telling you he has no respect for you whatsoever. I'm sorry to be harsh but it is no longer his fault that he is treating you this way but your fault for allowing it. I completely understand what you are saying here and you are right..I have allowed it. There have been no real consequences for his behavior. I've never been able to "make him pay" for what he's done. I'm not that kind of person. I thought that his own guilt over hurting me so much would be enough. I guess I was wrong. Please tell me how I should have handled his A's? How do you not "allow" your husband to cheat on you?
outofdarkness Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 A2l, I don't know why you are still with this guy. If I were you and married to a serial cheater I would stop wondering about him and start wondering about me and asking myself this question. Why do I feel I am not worthy of someone's respect, honesty and fidelity? Please don't say it's because you took your marriage vows seriously. God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. Actions speak louder than words and it doesn't matter if your h tells you he loves you 1000 times a day, his actions are telling you he has no respect for you whatsoever. I'm sorry to be harsh but it is no longer his fault that he is treating you this way but your fault for allowing it. You cannot understand why we decide to stay unless you've been in our shoes...Each situation is unique and should not be judged harshly. Right off the top of my head, I would say that SOME of the reasons we stay are because we have compassion, we believe the person can control his ways, we love the person, we don't want to break up our families, and there are others depending on the situation...OW's have their reasons for staying in A's and we have our's for staying in M's...
stillafool Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I am a married woman myself and love my husband with all my heart but there comes a time when you have to love yourself also. My first husband cheated on me numerous times so I have been there. Needless to say I left him. It wasn't easy because I loved him but he was a serial cheater and was not going to stop. He really wanted to (he said) and tried but I couldn't go on feeling that I was less than the whores he cheated on me with and had to take a stand. I had compassion for my 1st husband as well but he had none for me. A2L, there is no way to make him "pay for what he's done". There is no way to "make him not cheat". You can't control him, he's not a child. You can only control your world and what you want. You have to put yourself first (look at yourself as your child you have to protect) and decide what's best for you. Don't look for revenge, look for a way out. I don't know if kids are involved but it does not send a good message to them as to how to treat their spouse and what a spouse should and shouldn't expect in a marriage. Children are always happier when their parents are in a happy situation and environment.
Author addicted2love Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 SAF I do realize that there is no way to make someone "pay" for infidelity. It was really in response to a couple of posts saying I'm letting him get "away" with it. The only way for there to be any consequence for him is for me to D him and walk away. Like I said...I was so ready to do that last summer but when I went to my family for support they told me I was crazy to leave such a wonderful man. I'm very unhappy, MC isn't working (obviously) and I just don't care anymore. I almost hope that I do find more evidence that he's doing it again. He has said before that I just want him to mess up so that he's the bad guy and I have a reason to D him. Maybe he's right but he's the one that brought me to this point! He's the one that killed most of my feelings for him...and he's the one that has done NOTHING to rebuild the love and trust that are needed to have a successful M. I guess I just have to get up the nerve to tell him I done.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 He has said before that I just want him to mess up so that he's the bad guy and I have a reason to D him. Maybe he's right but he's the one that brought me to this point! He's the one that killed most of my feelings for him...and he's the one that has done NOTHING to rebuild the love and trust that are needed to have a successful M. I guess I just have to get up the nerve to tell him I done. I have been advised not to tell them anything until you have filed. Actually it may behoove you to gather as much info as possible. If your truly done (emotionally) then perhaps it will be easier to give him enough rope to hang himself. We cannot fix these men, we can pity them, mourn them, but they will never love anyone more than themselves. They, I believe, dislike th emselves more that we could ever dislike them. We, unfortunately are a constant reminder to them of the SELF that they disllike so much. It is much easier for them to be where they are accepted for their indiscretions and not judged. In a situation where someone is uncapable of empathy or even remorse then the problem runs deeper than we or they can fix.
norajane Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I'll make sure to do just that...I can see how his 4 different skanks compares to my emotional attachment to an old flame that lives 9 hours away. In fact I'll make sure to thank my H for treating me like **** over and over again because if he hadn't I probably wouldn't have even responded to xbf/mm. I'm sure he'll get a big kick out of it. If my H asked me flat out about it...I would tell him the truth...unlike him I would own up to it. you'll have to forgive my sarcasm but I believe I did say two wrongs don't make a right...also that I ended all communication w/ mm. I've been married for 13 years...my H has had four physical A's. (of course I'm still speculating about number 4 at this point) Yes I rekindled an emotional connection with someone I've loved since I was very young. I can see how that compares. I completely understand what you are saying here and you are right..I have allowed it. There have been no real consequences for his behavior. Maybe telling your H about your emotional attachment to someone else would give him the kick in the pants he needs to understand that his behavior does indeed reap consequences, consequences he won't like, and that might be worse than a divorce? How would he feel if he knew there were someone else in your life? How would he feel if he thought you might be cheating on HIM? I'm not saying tell him to punish him, but maybe, because you did stay with him after his other affairs, he really does believe he can do whatever he wants and there will be no consequences. Maybe MC isn't doing any good because he is convinced you won't leave him, no matter what. Maybe he needs a shock like your infidelity to show him he really is one step away from divorce. Just some thoughts to consider. Personally, I'd divorce him without further ado. You don't need to know for sure if he's cheating again - he did it 3 times before, and you are doubting him all the time, suspicious he will do it again, and he's not making much effort in MC, or to make things better between you.
Sup Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 also that I ended all communication w/ mm. I've been married for 13 years...my H has had four physical A's. (of course I'm still speculating about number 4 at this point) Yes I rekindled an emotional connection with someone I've loved since I was very young. I can see how that compares. So you ONLY had an emotional affair, and nothing Physical? You made it seem that it was Physical, or I somehow misread,Anyway you'll have to forgive my misreadings, fair enough? But in any case do you think by telling him about your EA, that could/would/should be a "wake up" call to him? Lady seriously, If I were you I would've left him YEARS ago at the first sign of trouble!
Author addicted2love Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 So you ONLY had an emotional affair, and nothing Physical? You made it seem that it was Physical, or I somehow misread,Anyway you'll have to forgive my misreadings, fair enough? But in any case do you think by telling him about your EA, that could/would/should be a "wake up" call to him? Lady seriously, If I were you I would've left him YEARS ago at the first sign of trouble! I have thought about telling him but I just can't bring myself to purposely hurt him. Doesn't seem right considering how many times he's hurt me but that's how I feel.
Author addicted2love Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 about the phone number. At first he seemed truly seemed to not know what I was talking about. I told him how I found the phone number and that it should still be in his pocket. He went and looked (in front of me) and it wasn't there. He asked me what it was written on and what it said. When I told him he didn't get defensive he just said that it was a co-worker who was on vacation and had asked him to check her email and voicemail for her while she was gone and that the cell number was so that he could contact her if there was anything urgent she needed to handle. Fair enough. He wasn't sh*tty about it, just frustrated that I didn't ask him about it out right on the day I found it. I know I have some serious trust issues with him and I told him he hasn't done much to try to rebuild that trust. He admitted that he doesn't know WHAT to do about that. He said all he can do is be where he says he's going to be and he has been doing that for quite some time. I guess for now that's all I can expect. Truly I don't know what more I can ask for.
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