I think I might be cheating on my fiance

[Kayla1980]

I say I think I might be because I'm not sure. Nothing physical has happened I havent even kissed the other guy.

 

 

The situation is my fiance and I have been dating three years. He proposed to me last year. We live together. I think we are together because its comfortable. A few months ago I was planning our wedding. Now I don't know what I want to do. Before I started dating my fiance I was dating my ex. We broke up because he wasnt' financially responsible, he lived with his parents etc. He just wasn't marriage material. My fiance is the opposite of all that. We have our own home, he works two jobs, he is very responsible. Problem is he's never home. He literally works 70 hours a week.

 

This is HIS choice. He doesn't have to work two jobs. His first job pays barely more than minimum wage ($7 hr) but he loves that job. It is for the family business. His other job is the one he makes money at and is full time. I also work full time so our combined incomes make us comfortable.

 

So he is never around. I'm usually in bed by the time he gets home and so basically we see eacother when he leaves for work and thats it. I still make him dinner, take care of the house etc. On weekends I get to see him all day on saturdays but he works eight hours on sunday. I beg him to take time off but he normally doesn't.

 

So about three months ago I saw my ex out somewhere and we started talking. I told him I am engaged and he still wanted to hang out. I told my fiance about this (I am friends with other exes and he is friends with one ex as well) and he had no problem with this. He trusts me. I always tell my fiance when I am seeing my ex. We go out to dinner, to see movies, and I've been to his house to watch movies. We will lay on his bed and nothing ever happens= he's given me back rubs a few times thats it. We talk on the phone probably 4 times a week and we see eachother once or twice a week. We will just spend hours talking about nothing. He is not dating anyone at this time. He understands I'm getting married though he says sometimes he misses me. He doesn't try to get me to leave my fiance. though we do talk about the "old days" when we were dating.

 

 

I've never done anything innapropriate that I can think of- i would let my fiance listen in on our phone conversations and I've told him that. I just like having someone to hang around with and talk to. Because my fiance is never around. My fiance doesn't seem to mind. I am friends with one of his close friends and he's let him take me to dinner before. I have a few close female freinds too but they have kids and can't really go out and do much anymore.

 

I find myself developing feelings for my ex. Instead of picturing my fiance and myself on our wedding day, I keep fantasizing what it would be like with my ex there instead. I know he is not a good choice for me- he's not responsible, he is somewhat immature and he lives with his brother. Plus we used to fight about stupid stuff all the time- he wanted to know where I was all the time. so we're not a good match. But the things that are lacking in my life with my fiance I am getting from my ex- attention, time, someone to talk to. My fiance is a good guy- but he's not perfect. I caught him sneaking around talking to one of HIS exes awhile ago. Nothing physical happened but he had been talking to her on AIM and giving her all these compliments and telling her he missed her. she lives 8 hours away so i know for a fact they never met up. We worked through it and moved on. So he's not perfect either.

 

 

I'd never cheat on him on purpose- sleep with someone else- but I can't get my ex out of my head! I know I am romanticizing the notion of him. I'm probably making him into something he's not because I feel i'm neglected by my fiance. I don't want to cheat on him or betray him so thats why I make sure he is aware of every time I talk to my ex or see him. If my fiance objected to this I'd end communication with my ex (but be very lonely again). Am i cheating on him?

[whichwayisup]

I've never done anything innapropriate that I can think of

 

See below. Do you tell your fiance that your ex gives you back rubs and that you lay in bed with him??? Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

 

We will lay on his bed and nothing ever happens= he's given me back rubs a few times thats it.

 

You are putting yourself IN a situation where something could easily happen. Fact is, you're confused and not sure if you should get married.

 

You may love your fiance, but it seems by your actions, you're not INLOVE with him. If you were, you wouldn't want to hang out with ex's, let alone a recent ex boyfriend, which I think you still have feelings for.

I'd never cheat on him on purpose-

 

But, you're half way there. Thinking of your ex, spending time alone with your ex.

 

Time to sit down and have the talk with your fiance. DO NOT GET MARRIED, whatever you do.

[whichwayisup]

If my fiance objected to this I'd end communication with my ex (but be very lonely again). Am i cheating on him?

 

The thing is, you are not telling your fiance about the feelings, the cuddling, backrubs...You are letting him think that there is NOTHING going on at all. If he knew what was going on I am sure he'd be upset, jealous and hurt.

 

How soon did you start dating your fiance after the ex and you broke up? Seems you never did get over him, or allow enough time inbetween relationships.

 

Another suggestion, if you want to stay with the man you're with now, GO to counselling and fix things. Give him an opportunity to make things better. He needs to know how you feel and what you think. Tell him you're lonely and that you're getting your needs met by your ex. Let him have a choice in whether or not he wants to marry you. I mean, he deserves to be married to a woman who is inlove with him, not be a second choice or be settled for.

[kayla1980]

The thing is, you are not telling your fiance about the feelings, the cuddling, backrubs...You are letting him think that there is NOTHING going on at all. If he knew what was going on I am sure he'd be upset, jealous and hurt.

 

 

Actually I DO tell him. I've told him that (ex) gave me a back rub. He honestly does not care. His only rule is that I do not have sex with him or kiss him. So as long as I have my clothes on and am not doing anything sexual he doesn't care. Also I don't cuddle with my ex. We lay on his bed and watch tv because thats where his tv is- in his bedroom. My fiance has met my ex before and isnt' threatened by him at all. The only part that I feel is cheating is that I am developing feelings again for my ex. There was about a year's time in between dating my ex and my fiance. I was totally over him when my fiance and I got together.

 

 

I think that now I am looking at him in a different way (my ex) because I'm feeling neglected and lonely. He is paying attention to me, we are acting like good friends, going places etc. And I"m starting to think of what it would be like if I was with him instead of my fiance. Maybe it is cold feet about getting married, maybe I'm actually interested in my ex again. But exes are that for a reason and my ex hasn't changed that much in these last few years. So I don't think a relationship would work. but I keep fantasizing what it would be like to be with him again.

 

 

As for my fiance and I going to counseling that will probably never happen. He just doesn't have time. We went to counseling after his incident with the online chick and we went three times and thats all because he just doesn't have any time that he's not working. Except for the time thing our relationship is pretty healthy- we don't argue over money, we have sex about 3 or 4 times a week, when we do spend time together we have a good time.

 

I've also told him that I'm getting my needs for attention and conversation and stuff like that from my ex. He basically says that my ex sounds like a girlfriend and doesn't care what we do as long as I dont' cheat on him. But obviously i feel I am being disloyal fantasizing about being with my ex instead of my fiance.

[whichwayisup]

His only rule is that I do not have sex with him or kiss him.

 

But it's OK for you to have feelings for him? And it isn't OK for him to meet your needs that you aren't getting from your fiance. THAT IS what girlfriends are for...Not ex's. You know this very well, but he isn't "just" a friend. There's more to it. And if your future husband knew HOW you were feeling inside, then he would react differently.

 

Hate to say it, but you're justifying your actions by saying "he's OK with it, he trusts me." Yeah, until one night you and the ex start talking about feelings and one thing leds to another........

 

You need to distance yourself from the ex. FIND girl friends to hang out with and don't spend alone time with the ex.

 

Another thing, fantasy is one thing, but you're allowing it to make the feelings grow. It's not fair to him (fiance). You never did answer my question, but if the situation was reversed and your fiance was doing what you were doing - YOU would be upset and jealous that he was spending alone time IN A BED with another woman. Trust or not, it's inappropriate for you to hang out in another man's bed when you're about to marry someone else. It's a no-no.

[Kayla1980]

[yes, you are right, if the situation were reveresed I'd be upset. But I'd never "allow" my fiance to hang out with an ex like that after he had the online fling with one of his exes. He's already broken my trust so there's no way I'd be ok with him being that close to an ex. But I havent' broken his trust and I don't want to. Thats why he's ok with it. And I also think that he thinks he'd rather have me hang out with an ex than bug him about spending more time with me.

 

I do have girlfriends but can't really hang out with them because they are always busy. They have husbands and boyfriends and are usually with them. I might see them once a month. All the single gals I know from work are into going to bars and partying all the time and I'm not into that and my fiance would not appreciate me hanging out at bars. So I'm sort of stuck. I know what I'm doing borders on being wrong. I know that it could easily turn into something else. But I have self control and won't let it.

 

 

So while I might have fantasies about my ex (not sexual but just what it would be like to be together with him getting more attention than my fiance gives me) Here's an example. One of my friends is getting married in two months. If I took my ex as my date (and we were a couple) we would spend the wedding holding hands, cuddling, dancing to all the songs, slow dancing holding eachother close, looking into eachother's eyes, kissing, he'd pull me close and be whispering to me about how good I looked. He'd keep kissing me all the time, want me to sit on his lap, want to be introduced to everyone I know. He'd want to be at my side the whole night.

 

 

If I go to this same weddign with my fiance this is what will happen. He will not want to dance (we went to his ex's wedding a few years back and he refused to even slow dance with me.) He will spend the entire time BSing with whoever is at our table. He will be charming to the other ladies but barely pay any attention to me. The only affection I will get the whole night is when he touches me when I force him to slow dance with me once. He will not initiate any kisses, he won't hold my hand.

 

Most people at the wedding will not even be able to tell we are a couple except for the big ring on my left hand. He will not tell me I look nice, he won't even really talk to me except to ask who so-and so is or if I"d like another drink. he will be charming and talkative to everyone else there he speaks to but I"ll basically have to go find some friends to hang out with or sit there and practically be ignored by him. I If I sit on his lap or try to cuddle up to him or hold his hand he will act annoyed.

 

I know I probably made my fiance sound like a bad guy and you are probably wondering why I'm with him. He never used to be this way. When we first got together he was very affectionate and sweet to me. Plus he is very responsible and hard working and he has a lot of good qualities.

 

I know I am turning my ex into someone he's not (he has his faults to) its just that he provides me with what is lacking in my relationship with my fiance. I just don't know how to talk to my fiance about the fact that he needs to start meeting those needs. I know I should stop talking to my ex but that thought just devastates me. Its like I"d be missing having these needs met, I'd miss having someone to talk to. I don't know what to do.

[jmargel]

he's not responsible, he is somewhat immature

 

Sounds like you as well. You let this happen to yourself and honestly your fiance is a fool for even allowing this to happen.

 

Honestly IMO you need to break away from both these men and move on completely. Both relationships are going to lead to divorce. One due to emotional neglect, the other due to irresponsibility & fiancial problems.

 

Your ex wants you back plain & simple and he knows how to play the game. Your fiance doesn't know what it takes emotionally to fulfill a relationship and if he's not willing to goto counseling then he's not yet mature in this area yet.

 

As for you, you need to take a step back and look at the big picture in all of this. Going to one guy to fulfill a lacking part of your life, then going back to another guy to fulfill another is not a way to live.

 

I think maybe individual counseling might be best for yourself right now as well.

[tanbark813]

This totally reminds me of The Wedding Singer. Your ex is Robbie Hart and your fiance is Glenn Gulia.

 

Don't marry a guy just for his money.

[dropdeadlegs]

The problem is so much more than having feelings for your ex. It's also about what you are NOT getting from your fiance and obviously need.

 

I doubt that either one is right for you long term. Each will provide you with half an equation. Neither half will be acceptable long term. I know because I have tried each.

 

So you can choose which half is more important to you and give it a try (but I predict a breakup either way) or you can get out there and find someone who can provide the whole shebang.

 

The whole shebang is my suggestion. It does exist.

[whichwayisup]

But I havent' broken his trust

 

Actually, you have, unfortunately he just doesn't know it. You, behind his back, have let your feelings develop for your ex. He has no reason NOT to trust you because he DOES trust you. You've taken advantage of his trust! I don't understand why you can't see that. Because you haven't actually kissed the ex (yet)?

 

So while I might have fantasies about my ex (not sexual but just what it would be like to be together with him getting more attention than my fiance gives me) Here's an example. One of my friends is getting married in two months. If I took my ex as my date (and we were a couple) we would spend the wedding holding hands, cuddling, dancing to all the songs, slow dancing holding eachother close, looking into eachother's eyes, kissing, he'd pull me close and be whispering to me about how good I looked. He'd keep kissing me all the time, want me to sit on his lap, want to be introduced to everyone I know. He'd want to be at my side the whole night.

 

Uh, hello! This IS sexual, and intimate.

 

Not just a little fantasy...It's harming your relationship with your fiance. Again, I wish you could see this.

 

Call off your wedding NOW. Don't even consider walking down the isle until YOU figure out WHO you really want to be with. Your actions show that you are not inlove with your fiance. Your words are justifying your actions, going behind his back and getting your needs met by someone else.

[justagirlforever]

How do you think your fiancé will feel if he was a "fly on the wall" ?

Still as happy, secure and trusting in you?

I think not.

If I were him, I'd be very disappointed, hurt and concerned (at the very least).

 

But also wonder: how did this happen? And why is this happening.

 

So I'd say: stop. He is your EX.

Stop that behavior that "could" lead to more. Stop reminiscing about the past. Behave appropriately. If you still want to remain friends, fine. But restrain yourself and stop fantasizing! You have the power to control that.

If you can't then you have a choice. Cut all ties altogether with your ex, or end things with your fiancé.

 

If you love your fiancé and honestly want a future with him, then concentrate on that. Make a plan to somehow spend more quality time together and less with your ex. Stop those senseless hours of phone conversation - and above all - lying on his bed and getting massages! You know what you should and shouldn't do. And you know you're already cheating.

Cheating is not necessarily a sexual act - it's the intent to deceive.

[Impudent Oyster]

Yep, you're cheating.

 

Have you set a date for your wedding? You might want to move it back, waaayyyyy back. Better yet, cancel it until you know what you want, because marrying someone when you have feelings for someone else is beyond stupid.

 

It's a lot easier to call off a wedding than it is to get a divorce. YOU SHOULD NOT BE THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, YOU'RE NOT READY!

[Latingirl31]

I to believe that you need to think about getting married. Nothing is going to change your fiance to become the person you want him to be. if he is not affection and gets annoyed with you asking for attention what makes you think that is going to change? Even when you are married you will begin to look for that in the first person that comes along and then cheating will become easy. Dont settle for either one of these guys you need to move on and find someone who will fulfill your needs. If you are not married yet reconsider your plans.