insomnie Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I don't know if this is the appropriate place for this thread, but it IS about dating...so here goes. I'm afriad that my insecurities are going to ruin my relationship. I have so many of them! It's hard for me not to be paranoid and resentful of my boyfriend half the time...and he honestly has done nothing wrong. Some things I am insecure about: #1:That he will cheat. Or, that he wants to cheat/ have sex/ fall in love with other people. Or, that he will leave me for someone else. This paranoia about infedlity/ abandonment is always present and sometimes consumes me. I get insanely jealous whenever he talks to or about ANY girl...and he rarely does. He has no close girl friends and only one steady female aquaintance...that he hangs out with maybe once a month IN A GROUP with other guys...and she lives in another city and has a boyfriend. I know NOTHING is going on, and never has, I know the thought probably never crossed his mind...yet I still have overwhelmingly negative feelings about their interactions. Some of this may stem from the fact that he lied a little about said interaction early on (she stayed at his house one time and he didn't tell me about it...I found out later from someone else). But still, nothing was going on, and it would be incredibly hypocritical for me to get so bent out of shape for that one incident. I have TONS of guy friends...in fact most of my best friends best friends have always been male. Some are gay, some are straight, ALL are STRICTLY platonic...there have never been any feelings from either side, and yet...I still can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that HE can have platonic friends too. #2: That he hung out with his exgf's while we were broken up for two months. Nothing happened with either...but it still makes me ill. I can't seem to get over this. Every time I think back to the breakup and what ensued a I feel backstabbed and betrayed. I feel like I must love him a lot more than he loves me and that that is unacceptable and I am a fool for getting back togheter. Yet, I know he was unhappy, I know he still cared about me...we solved all the underlying problems (we really did, the big ones are unrelated to all this...actually all of these cropped up after we got back together and I guess are just expressions of my fear of abandonment)...I know he loves me. I just don't know how to get over feeling like he punched me in the stomach and is likely to do it again. #3: Our "future". I am contnstly thinking about what will happen once we graduate college in a year. We've been together for three years but all our talks about marriage/kids/living together are very vague and usually don't involve one another. He makes references to getting married one day to someone, but never to me...never NOT to me, either...it's more like "when I get married, I want so and so with my wife"...and I don't know if that's because we're just not ready for that (because we're not) or because he knows it won't be happening with me. Should be be ready now? Should he feel like I'm the one? I guess I just want to know what happens after college, like if I move away for a job. Will he want to stay together and have an LDR? Will we try to coordinate things so that we move together? Or is it just going to end? I am afriad to bring this kind of stuff up to him because we've only been back togehter for a couple of months, but it does get me thinking...and I get paranoid that he'll just leave again. I'm paranoid that I'm sinking all my heart into someone who isn't planning on sticking around. Anyway...I don't know what my question is. I guess I'm looking for advice on how I can get over my various insecurities, what I should do to stop feeling this way. Should I talk to him, or is this something I need to talk to a professional about/ deal with on my own? I don't want to dump my insecurities on him, I don't want to come off as crazy or controlling...but I need to address my fears soon or they will drive a wedge between us.
Ripples Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - Feeling Good, Dr D Burns (on B_O's recommendation). Your thinking is really out of wack. You're thinking things that you have no way of knowing are true e.g. "that he wants to cheat/ have sex/ fall in love with other people" CBT can help enormously to check those thoughts and thus the feelings they create. It also seems that you and your boyfriend may not be on the same page. It may be a good idea to talk about your relationship and what both your expectations of it are. But you have to be able to do this in a controlled way, because if you start to get upset when he opens up to you and tells you his truth, it'll just turn him off and discourage him from being honest with you in future.
Recommended Posts