mav100 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I've rethought the idea of the letter and I think I may go with it again. Would you guys read through this and give me some feedback on it? It would be much appreciated! I’ve had a lot of time to process what has gone on over the past couple of months. Quite honestly, I’m getting to the point where I’m getting tired of replaying things in my head over and over again. So, the big question is, what happened? After all this time, I’m still clueless to be honest. For the first time in my life, I have no clue. Was our relationship that bad? I didn’t think so. From my point of view, it had its ups and downs, but I didn’t think we were ever in any danger of breaking up, much less having one of us leave for someone else. You know, it’s funny – I remember talking to you in mid-September when I was getting a little upset about where things were going. You were concerned I was going to leave you, and I reassured you I wasn’t. You said “If you ever left me it would end my world.” Exact quote from you – I can remember it clear as day. Funny, less than a month later you were calling Brian, and less than two months later, I caught you with him. Did either of us do anything during our relationship that should have caused the other to want to leave? Did either of us do anything in our relationship that should have caused the other to want to cheat? I didn’t think so. Yes, we absolutely had our ups and downs. I took the majority of them as “growing pains” we were having as a couple. No couple ever gets along all the time. People disagree about things. Not just people who are romantically involved, but even good friends disagree. Family members disagree. It happens. What did we disagree about that was so horrible? Nothing really significant the majority of the time. A laptop. What time I went to bed. The position of an entertainment center. Mostly we fought about things that, in the grand scheme of things, didn’t amount to a hill of beans. I have a hard time believing that things were that bad between us that it caused you to want to cheat on me when I think about what we argued about. We did have our fights and disagreements. The majority of the time, they were much ado about nothing. Just venting some steam. Sometimes, they were a little more heated. Could I have done more to compromise, to try to smooth things over? Absolutely. Could you have also done the same? Again, absolutely. There is fault at both of our feet on that front. I am truly sorry I didn’t try harder at that, as I’m sure you are too. That leaves me with few answers. Either you never really cared about me at all, you had feelings for Brian the entire time we dated and I was a “rebound”, or something else is in there I can’t quite figure out. Do I think you never really cared about me? No, I don’t think that’s the case. I tend to follow my gut on what people’s feelings are towards me, and I never once doubted yours. The way you looked at me, the way you acted around me, it was there. Do I think it’s still there? I don’t know. If I’ve learned one thing in my 32 years on this Earth, and from the few meaningful relationships I’ve had prior to you, real love never dies off. It waxes and wanes, but it’s always there. Hell, even after all the crap that Shani has put me through over the years, a part of me still cares for her. So, with that in mind, it puts me in quite the hurtful position. Apparently, you must have harbored feelings for Brian the entire time you dated me. I think coming to that conclusion cut me more deeply than thinking you never loved me at all. Feeling like a “rebound” or a transitional person in between relationships with Brian sucks. But I guess reality is reality. That’s what I was. Nothing more. It’s funny since right up until he showed up on the scene, you were without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me. It really hurts knowing that the feeling was'nt reciprocal. I don’t know what to say at this point. I’ve tried to move ahead. I’ve been dating a new woman since about mid-December. However, I spend the majority of the time with her wishing she was you. You and I had a hell of a lot in common. We had the same sense of humor, the same sarcastic wit, similar goals and expectations out of life, similar habits and hobbies. The only thing I can see that we didn’t have in common was you liked to dance, and I didn’t. Although, again, that’s something I wish in retrospect I would have tried to do it and have a good time with you. You deserved that much, and I failed you in that respect. We had a lot of fun and a lot of good times together though, and I’ll never forget those times. The announcement came out the other day for Family Fun Day at the Great Escape and I remember having a ball when we went. There were also a lot of things we talked about doing and never got around to. I was just remembering the other day about talking about going horseback riding with you – one of my coworkers was talking about their horses and it popped into my head. I’m not going to write a novel on what we did or what we wanted to do together, because you know these things just as well as I do. I see no point in reminding you about them. I’m not sure what to say from here. Quite honestly, I’m not even sure why I started writing in the first place. You’re gone, and there’s nothing I can do to turn you around. I guess I just still think of you from time to time, and I wanted to put my thoughts down somewhere. I haven’t stopped missing you, nor have I stopped loving you. You were my best friend, and I miss that a lot. There have been quite a few times that things have happened and I’ve been tempted to pick up that phone, but I guess those days are gone. Hell, I miss everything there is about you. To this day, I still have Lori’s “You’re sooo CUTE!” sign up on my desk. It’s about the only thing I’ve kept that reminds me of you. It reminds me of just how gorgeous I think you are. I know I called you cute a lot, but I can also remember answering the phone countless times “Hey gorgeous!” when you called me. Another place I think I failed though – I never really let you know just what I thought of you. Where do I go from here? I’m not sure. I’m still dating Erin, I guess I’ll continue to do so for a while – but its clear to me she’s pretty much what I was, or at least feel like I was – a rebound. Honestly, I don’t expect to hear from you again. With the way everything went down, we both caused a lot of animosity towards the other, and hurt like that is hard to set aside. I’ve tried to bury mine at this point. I don’t think you’ve done the same, and there is nothing that says you have to. It doesn’t really matter I guess, since I’m just putting down in writing what I’ve been feeling. I miss you, and I’ll always love you. It will always be in my head what could have been.
Cossette4 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 It's a really good, heartfelt, well-written letter, but... Two things. 1. What's the reason(s) you are sending it? Just from reading it, it seems like it is written in a tone where you really want her to rethink your relationship, realize it wasn't "that bad," and think about getting back together with you. And you make it seem like you would be totally available to do so b/c Erin really means nothing to you. (Even if that's not the reason you wrote it, that's how it kinda comes across to me.) 2. I totally know you are in pain right now, and I empathize with you, but I also can't help feeling a bit bad for Erin. If you keep being with her even though your heart isn't in it, one day, she might be writing a letter like this to you...would you want to put her through that? I think the letter is awesome, but I think its awesomeness lies in the therapeutic value you received from writing it, rather than the actual sending of it. I personally would suggest you write several more letters and keep editing them until they really express what you feel. Then maybe you'll achieve the peace you are looking for without having to send anything...
Author mav100 Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Well, I can't lie. The thought of reconciling is still there. It's up and down. For a while I'm angry with her for what she did, and then I'll feel like I miss her and what we had. Would I honestly try with her again if she decided she wanted to reconcile? I'm not sure, but I guess I'd lean towards yes if, and only if she seemed really sincere about it. I do realize that sending this just sends a message that "Hey, I'm still around if you want me!" in huge neon lights. While that's most likely the wrong message to send, I feel in my heart that her feelings for me were true. I doubt they just died off. Their just buried because of her ex, er, now current boyfriend, and because of the animosity from both sides that occured as a result of the breakup. However, anger fades eventually. Animosity resides. If those feelings are still there somewhere, I'd guess they'd come out on her part too. As far as Erin goes, I've been pretty fair with how I deal with her. She's know from the start I'm not looking for anything serious, and just wanting to spend time with someone. She has seemed to be ok with that. I've made it pretty clear that I don't want a relationship that's going to go anywhere right now. I keep going back and forth between playing the waiting game for the ex (just over 3 months broken up, just under 2 months N/C) or trying to reach out. I know that after the time that has passed, the "honeymoon phase" with her ex/current boyfriend is over. Sometimes I think I should continue to try to move on and take a "wait and see" attitude with her. Other times reaching out seems like a good idea, just to let her know I still care. In the immortal words of the J. Giels Band - Love Stinks!
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