Younger woman drama, my head is twisted, how do I proceed?

[eponymouss]

She called and left a message this evening. Along the lines of "Hey it's me. Just wanted to know what's up with you. What's new. And wanted to see if you wanted to hang out sometime in the future. So call me back."

 

As though our last conversation had never happened.

 

I probably know the answer to these questions. But, I'm gonna ask anyway. I like the various points of view. Plus, to be honest, I never played any of these games when I was in my 20's. It was two very long relatively happy relationships.

 

Is this just the hook she's trying to keep me on? Am I a fool to call back? What are the possible outcomes of this?

[confucious]

Eponymouss - Some of the few negatives that are evident in your post...

1. She is 22 and therefore looking to date, drink, dance, explore and experiment - you, I am assuming, are a bit more sedate and wordly.
   
2. she is on the "rebound" - nothing like someone new to perk your self-esteem back up, especially when they are older...this also works as an "in your face" for the young ex
   
3. she was not honest with you about certain things (ie: the things you said you should have talked about a month ago) and got angry/furious any time you intimated there might be someone/something else though it was evident. Bad sign. Whetehr it is because she is young or dishonest is beside the point - she still does it.
   
4. You overheard her friend refer to her dating her ex.
   
5. she told you she doesn;t want to go on in a relationship...but she wants to be friends.

I think, after looking at all that, it would be pretty easy to make a decision.

 

Perhaps if we look at it a different way - Let us say you COULD "win" her back, if even for awhile...is it really worth the loss of pride (not to mention it would be delaying the inevitable)?? C'mon, you are 38, grown and experienced and you are thinking of trying to convince a flighty 22 year old to be with you...pull your head up and stand proud man, recognize she wilL never be able to satisfy you emotionally in a mature relationship and that there are a million women out there who can. At this point you are making a decision for yourself - taking what is good for you, what you deserve, as opposed to what you are willing to take bending over, or beg and scrape for.

Write her an email, or go see her in person. Tell her you are sorry but you cannot be friends (I mean really, can she offer you anything in the "friends" department??), that you really cared for her but you need more than what she can give - you will carry on until you can find someone who CAN give you what you need. Good-bye.

 

When you get lonely or nostalgic, think fondly of her and consider her the small fling/relationship that eased you back into the game. Learn from it , use it, don't regret nor pine for her.

 

Walk away proud...

[Topper]

My take is if you enjoyed her company and you were having fun why not call back? Just take it for what it is a fling and enjoy the ride. Emotionaly I would not invest to much into this woman keep it light and easy. have fun go out enjoy yourself. It's better then sitting at home posting on LS isn't it?

Besides You will have new stuff to post about your 22 year old.

[eponymouss]

A text message tonight. "Did you Get my phone message last night?"

 

Am I a complete a@@ for not responding?

 

I miss her. And it's messing with me.

 

As sick as it sounds, part of me is happy that she is pursuing again. At the same time I can't be what she wants me to be.

 

Is it time to just "man-up" and respond letting her know these things? Or would I be better off just walking away completely?

 

A friend told me today I should just play along. Like I was stupid not to. Play the game, detach myself from the possible hurt of the outcome, and have fun.

 

I'm not sure I can do that.

[Pretty Fly]

My take is if you enjoyed her company and you were having fun why not call back? Just take it for what it is a fling and enjoy the ride. Emotionaly I would not invest to much into this woman keep it light and easy. have fun go out enjoy yourself. It's better then sitting at home posting on LS isn't it?

Besides You will have new stuff to post about your 22 year old.

 

I think if he'd treated it like that from the beginning, he could treat it like that now. But I get the impression he's invested too much emotional energy in it now and will always be thinking "can I get her back"

[Pretty Fly]

A text message tonight. "Did you Get my phone message last night?"

 

Am I a complete a@@ for not responding?

 

I miss her. And it's messing with me.

 

As sick as it sounds, part of me is happy that she is pursuing again. At the same time I can't be what she wants me to be.

 

Is it time to just "man-up" and respond letting her know these things? Or would I be better off just walking away completely?

 

A friend told me today I should just play along. Like I was stupid not to. Play the game, detach myself from the possible hurt of the outcome, and have fun.

 

I'm not sure I can do that.

 

I'm presuming she just wants to be your friend though? I had a very similar situation recently with a younger girl. She got back with her ex and wanted to be friends with me. I told her no - plainly, not in a mean way - that's not what I want so goodbye. Otherwise, I'd be hanging on for that one little "clue" that actually she's still into me and wants to get back with me. And i find thinking like that is just emotionally draining.

[Pretty Fly]

1. She is 22 and therefore looking to date, drink, dance, explore and experiment - you, I am assuming, are a bit more sedate and wordly.
   
2. she is on the "rebound" - nothing like someone new to perk your self-esteem back up, especially when they are older...this also works as an "in your face" for the young ex
   
3. she was not honest with you about certain things (ie: the things you said you should have talked about a month ago) and got angry/furious any time you intimated there might be someone/something else though it was evident. Bad sign. Whetehr it is because she is young or dishonest is beside the point - she still does it.
   
4. You overheard her friend refer to her dating her ex.
   
5. she told you she doesn;t want to go on in a relationship...but she wants to be friends.

What happened to me (very similar)

 

1. She is 20 and therefore looking to date, drink, dance, explore and experiment - I ma 28
   
2. she just broke up again with her on-off BF - nothing like someone new to perk your self-esteem back up, especially when they are older...this also works as an "in your face" for the young ex
   
3. she was not honest with you about certain things - told the poorly thought out lies and blamed it on things that she couldve easily asked me about to clear it up
   
4. Her friend told me she'd been dating her ex.
   
5. she told me she wants to be friends.

Incidentally, when I related this story to a girl-friend of mine, she seemed to be of the opinion that I should carry on hanging out with this girl and even offer to take her out and then pay for everything! The logic being that she'll realise she made a mistake, or if she doesn't then I get the joy of hanging out with her as a friend. I politely disagreed.

[oppath]

I can relate. I started dating my ex when she was 1-2 weeks out of a 5 year relationship. I pursued her very casually at first, and I kept my hopes and expectations minimal. But then she launched herself towards me, was calling every day, telling me how lucky she was to meet me. She felt like she was falling in love with me, told me after 3 months that she did love me and was "85% sure you are the guy I am going to marry" and many other heavy statements that honestly put me off, but I decided to truly open my heart and risk it at that point, because her actions and words indicated she did want a relationship with me. I fall in love over the next 2 months, but then she acts subtly distant, most notable when I was away over Christmas. Something was off. I even called her on it before I returned because she booked herself completely for my first weekend back, and I wasn't ok with that because we still needed to exchange gifts and celebrate my birthday, and I wanted to do those things before New Years. She claimed everything was fine.

 

One of the things she had to do was see some friends of hers, friends of her ex of 5 years, who I had not yet met. I asked if I could come but she said she wanted girls night but saw me during the day. I was not satisfied but we exchanged gifts. She seemed ok.

 

Talked every day the next week, but I didn't see her, I wanted to see if she would ask to see me. Finally saw her on the weekend, went to lunch, went to the aquarium, she hugged, touched, kissed and flirted all day with me. I was feeling reassured. We get back to my place, I try making a move, and she breaks up with me because she was not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. She kept persisting she did have feelings for me. It was weird.

 

I was shocked and heartbroken and PISSED. 2 weeks later, when I politely told her I could not be her friend, she responded with "I understand. Let me know when you are down for a friends with benefits relationship!" I lost it and told her off, telling her I didn't appreciate being her rebound when her words and actions told me she was ready and desiring a relatioinship, and how selfish she was for getting into one and then asking for friends with benefits 2 weeks after breaking my heart.

 

I never received a response or apology. 2 weeks later a mutual friend told me that over Christmas, her ex came back and proposed to her. I guess she said no but in the moment I didn't know that. I was devasted and I told her off, even threatening to tell her ex about me if she couldn't tell me the truth.

 

I said some harsh words (relying on email here because her phone number was discarded after the FWB request) and then later apologized, a couple times, and haven't received an acknowledgement.

 

I am...broken. I want her back but wouldn't take her. She lied by omitting details about her life and she audaciously lied when I called her on acting distant. I desperately want acknowledgement of my apology because I said things too severe and we have "mutual" friends. All I desire from her is acknowledgement, and then I can walk away (actually, I'm sure I desire more from her, such as an apology on her end too, and her wanting me back, etc).

 

I know how much it hurts to lose someone you felt an intimate bond with. Remember that this woman lied to you repeatedly and passive aggressively tried to manipulate you when you called her on her suspicious behavior. It sounds like you approached that situation assertively without judgement, and she was too immature to respond in an adult manner. You are better off without her.

 

You clearly have the ability to form intimate bonds and experience a strong sense of love, and in the long run those characteristics will lead to fulfillment. At the moment, you will feel great confusion and pain. My only advice is to take 2 months to yourself and heal, and then seek connections with other people, and have the foresight to pursue women who may be more emotionally available.

[Pretty Fly]

she responded with "I understand. Let me know when you are down for a friends with benefits relationship!"

 

Wow, never had that experience!

[stillafool]

I like Norajane's friend dated an older guy in my early 20's and it was the same thing. I was broken up with my bf, this guy was showering me with attention, nice dinners and trips. I grew tired after 2 months and wanted to hang out with my friends (my age)again. I still called him from time to time just to say hi and get his views on things that were going on in my life.

 

I think your friend contacting you is just her keeping her word and also I'm sure she thinks you are a nice guy that she would like to stay friends with. I wouldn't read more in to this relationship than that. It is almost certain she will move on and I don't want you to be hurt any further. Let her go.

[Pretty Fly]

As mentioned above, I went out with a 20 year old and when we first hit it off, I expected it to be just a bit of a fling. However, a good mate of mine (who's a year or so younger than me) was seeing this girl's mate, and this girl's mate was a year younger than her. (So that's a 26/27 yr old guy going out with a 19 yr old, for those that didn't follow!!) And they've been going out for over a year now. Hence I thought, well if it works for them, why not me? But in retropsect, my mate's girlfriend is actually very mature for her age (I at first thought she was older) so I think she's the exception rather than the rule.

[oppath]

Wow, never had that experience!

 

I can't tell you how hurtful it was!!! It felt...mean and degrading. If I didn't care about her, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but since I was falling in love with her, it broke me.

[Pretty Fly]

I can't tell you how hurtful it was!!! It felt...mean and degrading. If I didn't care about her, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but since I was falling in love with her, it broke me.

 

I can imagine! It belittles the feelings you had for her.

[oppath]

Well, it belittled the feelings she claimed to have for me. "I can't be in a relationship right now because I don't know who I am and need to find myself." I called BS but she repeatedly professed how she did have feelings. I was confused, and felt something else was going on that she did not tell me about, but I did believe she genuinely cared, more than just thinking "he's a good guy." She went out of her way to express having feelings.

 

But when she asked for FWB, all that went out the window and I felt used, like I was just a rebound from her ex and it hurt because I didn't deserve to have my heart broken in that situation.