eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I started seeing a younger woman about three months ago. I am 38, she is 22. I know, I know... I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning. The saying "Younger women don't know what they want" rings true. But, she was beautiful and smart, and we had so much fun together. I had been single for almost four years, and it was nice to finally find someone again. Things started out very fast and furious, she was very into me. Probably just into the "idea" of me. We had sex way too soon. And I kept trying to take a step back. I was reluctant, and this seemed to increase her interest. For the first time in my life I was swept off my feet. The first two months were really fun and happy and wonderful. I found myself falling for her, and she could tell. Then the red flags started. Her ex of four years was obviously still in the picture. They were high school sweethearts, and had only been apart for about three months. She also has a slew of young guy friends, that she spends a good deal of time with. None of this really bothered me. I told her as long as she was honest with me about things we would be fine. She started becoming more distant over the last month. Not seeking to spend as much time together. She still called every day. But, she was definitely less affectionate. She started becoming secretive about what she was doing, and who she was doing it with. And like a puppet I responded. I started showing more affection, and became the pursuer. Like a supreme dumb-a@@ I fell right into the trap. When I brought up any mention about the possibility that someone else was in the picture, no matter how gently I put it, she would become very agitated and angry. One night at a club, a friend of hers, who obviously thought I was only a "friend", made a comment about her and her ex still being together. I brought this up to my girlfriend and it all culminated in a huge blow up, where she called me crazy for believing she was seeing someone else without proof. We made up after that fight. But, I knew it was already over. She was only coming back because she felt guilty. And she made little effort to try and see me for two weeks. Although she still called and sent texts daily. Then, more drama. About a week later I got an anonymous email from someone telling me that she was cheating on me with her ex, AND another guy. The person sending it obviously had a grudge against her (my first impression was that it was her ex trying to stir things up) but when I replied to the email, it bounced back to me. When I told her of this, she told me she had also received a message telling her that I was cheating on her... and things sort of slipped away from there. Last week we had "the phone call" where she said she was feeling differently, and wasn't sure if we should be together. The conversation actually went a long way toward clearing my head up about things. We actually communicated. She was very open for the first time, and explained a lot of her issues with the ex that she had rarely spoken of before. I told her that we were having a conversation that we should have had a month ago, and that it actually had me feeling like things could work out. She didn't seem to feel the same way. She said I would never trust her. She just wants to be my friend. Something I am not comfortable with right now. But she told me when she returned from a trip home (she would be gone a week) she would call and we would talk about it. We have had no contact since she left. She returned two days ago. Everything tells me that it's over, and I can accept that. She's very young and has many other things in life to experience. But still, a part of me still wants her back. Or wants that possibility someday when the drama dies down. But, I won't allow myself to be the "back burner" guy. I guess my question is how do I proceed? Should I write her telling her I understand it's over, thank her for the good times etc, and start no contact from there? Or should I just leave it be until she wants to contact me? If I want to be "with her", should I even consider the idea of being friends? And if I did want to have a possible future with her somewhere down the road, what can I do now to make that a possibility?
norajane Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Oh, dear, you already know how this will end - there is no future for the two of you. No, don't contact her. No, you can't be her friend. Her friends are 22 years old. No, you're not going to get together in the future. You were a rebound fling after she broke up with her long term bf... I'm sorry, but you know all this already.
Author eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 All of those things may be true. And that may be the best answer. But, how would I proceed if I did think we had a chance together?
norajane Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 You're not getting it. There is no way to proceed. Basically, do whatever you want. It will end the same way, regardless.
Author eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 You're not getting it. There is no way to proceed. Basically, do whatever you want. It will end the same way, regardless. Well I appreciate your response. And the fact that you have strong beliefs. I am also old enough to know that the outcome you describe is probable, yet not the only way this thing could turn out. I've been in similar situations that turned out for the better. And although I am not "with" those people today, I am close as a friend and still a part of their lives. Anybody else have any suggestions?
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I agree with NoraJane completely. You've dated this 22 year old girl for THREE MONTHS. Why are you so insistent on wanting to remain in her life? What does she provide you by way of friendship that your other friends do not? You were a rebound fling... there is no chance for a future.
clueless24 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 it sounds like you are investing more of your time and efforts into this relationship than she is. if you think you can be happy in such a relationship, then you can contact her and let her know of your intentions, but also give her your expectations. I am 24 years old and my bf of 6 years is 32, i know it's only half of the age difference as your relationship, but we get along great and communicate with and appreciate each other. just because you are much older and more mature, does not mean it has to be a one way relationship where you always have to work hard at keeping it together. the most important key to a relationship is trust, if you dont trust her then your relationship is going to be based solely on insecurities and that's not going to help you down the line. if you have been out of a relationship for 4 years, then just take a little more time to get to know her and maybe to meet other people. she may not have the same goal and objectives in life as you do at this point. i guess just choose your course wisely and good luck to you.
Krytellan Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Eponymouss Good lord. Read your post and if that doesn't answer your own question we can't help you.
Author eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Eponymouss Good lord. Read your post and if that doesn't answer your own question we can't help you. Believe me, I've read it. I wrote it for crying out loud. I'm just interested in as many points of view as possible. I'm a thinker, and I like to work things out before I make a decision. Am I supposed to take the first response given and leave it at that? Here were the options I was looking at. She said we would talk when she returned. That was two days ago, and I haven't heard from her. Should I write her telling her I understand it's over, thank her for the good times etc, and start no contact from there? Or should I just leave it be until she wants to contact me? If I want to be "with her", should I even consider the idea of being friends? And if I did want to have a possible future with her somewhere down the road, what can I do now to make that a possibility?
Krytellan Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Should I write her telling her I understand it's over, thank her for the good times etc, and start no contact from there? I don't see from what you wrote whether it was even worth that. Man, this girl is nowhere near what you are. Please stop wasting your time. Put the pen (or keyboard) down and walk away.
Green Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 ur losing it. Why didnt you date any one for 4 years think about that. how did you meet this 22 year old? Look ur age makes things harder but it doesnt make things imposible. What does make things imposible is acording to ur post toward the end u didnt know what she was doing or who she was hanging out with, shes probably back with her old bf or something. Just forget this girl u dont really want to be friends with her, thats just a lie I hope u dont fool urself into believing . start dating other women dont wait 4 years this time... hang out with ur real friends dont try to make friends with her as some attempt to stay in her life just move on.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Should I write her telling her I understand it's over, thank her for the good times etc, and start no contact from there? No. She said she'd call you when she came back...she didn't. She doesn't want contact, and neither should you. Or should I just leave it be until she wants to contact me? She's not going to want to contact you, but YES, for your own good, leave it be. If I want to be "with her", should I even consider the idea of being friends? You cannot possibly be friends with someone you want to "be with." It's too painful for you, and your interactions with her will be (albeit unintentionally) manipulative to get her to want you back. That said, AGAIN, why are you so insistent on being her friend? What does she provide you that others don't? And if I did want to have a possible future with her somewhere down the road, what can I do now to make that a possibility? You have to live your life TODAY and every single day from today as though there ISN'T a future with her. You must move on. If she wakes up one day and realizes how awesome you are (which likely won't happen until she's 30), you'll already be with some other lovely woman...assuming you MOVE ON.
Author eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 ur losing it. Why didnt you date any one for 4 years think about that. I'm not losing it. I'm actually very calm and thoughtful at the moment. I was single for four years as a matter of choice. My last relationship took a lot out of me. She was ill and it took a lot of my energy. When it ended I decided I needed some time to find myself.
Author eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 That said, AGAIN, why are you so insistent on being her friend? What does she provide you that others don't? Thanks for your response. I agree with what you are saying and it is probably how I am going to deal with it. I just haven't clicked with anybody like her in awhile. We honestly do share so many common interests and feelings. I know I can find someone else. And I will. I just want to make sure I have a clear head before I walk away.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I just haven't clicked with anybody like her in awhile. We honestly do share so many common interests and feelings. I know I can find someone else. And I will. I just want to make sure I have a clear head before I walk away. Understood. It sucks when we "click" with them, but they don't with us. But understand this: She's already walked away. You're standing there alone, and don't need a "clear ahead" before you do the same. Clarity will come only once you've made the decision to move on.
norajane Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I'm not going to tell you anything you want to hear...but... When I was in my early 20's, my best friend Lisa dated a guy who was probably around 35 or 36. Don't really know exactly how old he was, because he was "old" to girls in their early 20's. He was a good guy, someone she met at one of her temp jobs. Owned his own home, had a nice car, had a good job...basically, he just needed a woman to complete his nice life. She liked to go dancing and drinking and hanging out with her friends (all her age), and was just starting out post college. She was flattered by the attention of an older man, she enjoyed the perks of going out with someone who had money for restaurants and gifts (we were mostly broke and just starting jobs, so nothing fancy for us), and she liked being out with a "man" rather than a "boy" - someone who opened doors for her and treated her like a lady. This poor guy was a fling for her, not anyone she could ever take seriously, nor did she. He was a novelty. And she quickly grew bored, because the novelty wore off. They had nothing in common, different tastes, different interests, different ideas about what the relationship was about. She did the exact same thing your girl did...started seeing him less and less, and he grew increasingly jealous of her time with her friends, and eventually she had the "talk" and told him it wasn't going to work out. I can't say he got his heart broken...I never saw him after they broke up, so I don't know. But, HER heart wasn't even slightly bruised because he never even touched her heart. It was a fling. Now, you can dismiss this as just one story and just one possible outcome. But, if you're going to carry a torch for her for ages and ages, I believe you'll be doing yourself a disservice, and missing out on some wonderful woman you actually have a chance of being with. I would ask you to consider WHY you are so hung up on someone you can't have, someone who is age inappropriae. I would ask you to consider why you haven't dated in 4 years. I would ask you to consider if you really want to be in a committed relationship with someone - because you're acting like you don't...fear of commitement, fear of intimacy...I don't know. But men who really want a loving relationship in their lives, don't string themselves along and become obsessed with inappropriate people who have told them it's not going to work out.
Author eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 *facepalms* Sorry Krytellan. I DO get it. I'm just trying to leave no stone unturned. I posted the same story on another site and everyone there is giving me ways to manipulate her back to me. I'm not listening. It's just interesting to hear different responses before I continue.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I'm not going to tell you anything you want to hear...but... When I was in my early 20's, my best friend Lisa dated a guy who was probably around 35 or 36. Don't really know exactly how old he was, because he was "old" to girls in their early 20's. He was a good guy, someone she met at one of her temp jobs. Owned his own home, had a nice car, had a good job...basically, he just needed a woman to complete his nice life. She liked to go dancing and drinking and hanging out with her friends (all her age), and was just starting out post college. She was flattered by the attention of an older man, she enjoyed the perks of going out with someone who had money for restaurants and gifts (we were mostly broke and just starting jobs, so nothing fancy for us), and she liked being out with a "man" rather than a "boy" - someone who opened doors for her and treated her like a lady. This poor guy was a fling for her, not anyone she could ever take seriously, nor did she. He was a novelty. And she quickly grew bored, because the novelty wore off. They had nothing in common, different tastes, different interests, different ideas about what the relationship was about. She did the exact same thing your girl did...started seeing him less and less, and he grew increasingly jealous of her time with her friends, and eventually she had the "talk" and told him it wasn't going to work out. I can't say he got his heart broken...I never saw him after they broke up, so I don't know. But, HER heart wasn't even slightly bruised because he never even touched her heart. It was a fling. I could have written that story about Lisa myself, except I was her.
norajane Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I could have written that story about Lisa myself, except I was her. You don't live in New Zealand now with a guy you met on train, do you? Lisa? Is that you????
Author eponymouss Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Now, you can dismiss this as just one story and just one possible outcome. But, if you're going to carry a torch for her for ages and ages, I believe you'll be doing yourself a disservice, and missing out on some wonderful woman you actually have a chance of being with. I don't plan on carrying a torch. I'm just dealing with what I am feeling RIGHT NOW, and coming to terms with it. She's special to me already. That's all. And there will be others to come. I understand this. I'm a big boy. I would ask you to consider WHY you are so hung up on someone you can't have, someone who is age inappropriae. I would ask you to consider why you haven't dated in 4 years. I would ask you to consider if you really want to be in a committed relationship with someone - because you're acting like you don't...fear of commitement, fear of intimacy...I don't know. But men who really want a loving relationship in their lives, don't string themselves along and become obsessed with inappropriate people who have told them it's not going to work out. I spent those four years working on myself, as I stated before. And I'm not obsessed, nor do I think what we shared was inappropriate. It may very well just be the "fling" you spoke of. I'm just sick of cutting people out of my life because we "don't work out"
johan Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Cut your losses. She was a fling. And don't even think of being her friend. Because you don't want to be her friend, and you'll just be deceiving both of you. And she'll know it, and she'll have zero respect for you.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 You don't live in New Zealand now with a guy you met on train, do you? Lisa? Is that you???? Uh oh!!! Kidding! Nope, neva been down unda.
Ripples Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 If you contact her, you'll look like a desperate looser. If you're ok with that, phone her.
Topper Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I was in a similar situation with a much younger woman. But I did keep my eyes open Knew that sooner or later our affair would end. When it did it was disappointing but not devisating. In fact in time we did become friends. She did meet someone and they got married. She invited me to the wedding. it would have been a bad idea for me to show up. Her husband was a little jealous of our friendship. I have not been in touch with her but understand she now has child and is happy. Take what you can of the good times you had and move on.
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