Semi-broke up with bf and trying to be 'just friends'--and ideas?

[Guest]

Has anyone had experiences where you dated someone for a while and then tried to back it off to a 'just friends' level and made it work? I dated an amazing guy for about four months--it was amazing. We get along really well, have a lot in common, can talk about anything with each other, and basically had a great relationship--and then we called it off about three weeks ago. The whole relationship just felt like it was getting really serious and we talked and decided that we just weren't ready to get serious at that point in time. The decision to break up was hard but it made sense (at least to me) because there were a few times were my bf had seemed a little worried because he's the first guy I've really dated (and it had occured to me too--just in a general sense of how can I tell how much I really like him when I don't have anything to compare it to) and so it made sense that we needed some space and maybe I needed to date some other people so that we could both be sure if we wanted to be together or not. The problem is, I'm not a flirty-type girl and guys just don't ask me out and I don't feel comfortable asking them out. On top of that, there's only about two other guys that I know that I think I *might* want to date more than once or twice. And one of those is my bf's new roommate. Yeah.

 

In the mean time, I'm having a really hard time with this whole 'just friends' thing--we're friends with all the same people so we wind up hanging out together a fair amount of the time and it can be a little hard to deal with.

 

On top of everything else, my best friend of the past ten+ years (and current roommate) turns out to have had a crush on my bf and since we officially broke up has been flirting with him non-stop. I know that my bf would never ask her out--if only because we're roommates and he has more tact than that--but it really bugs me all the same. I don't want to say anything to her because I don't want to create even more tension than there already is, but it's really irritating to me that she isn't a little more sensitive. Plus it kind of hurts to admit that I'm jealous. Sure, I'd be jealous to some degree of any girl around him but I think I could deal with it easier if she weren't my roommate.

 

I just feel incredibly lost--I'm supposed to start getting some counciling because I have some personal issiues I need to work through--I really miss being able to talk to my bf because I have a hard time being open with people and I only know one other person that I feel as comfortable with as I do him.

 

We're trying this friends thing and it works to a degree--we hang out, we laugh, we talk every once in a while--but I miss being able to talk to him whenever I want and even just being able to have him hold me on the days that I'm down. I still care about him a lot and I know he feels the same way about me.

 

I'm just having a really hard time getting over him--we only dated for four months, it doesn't seem like I should be having such a hard time. Three weeks in and I still catch myself crying over him. Now I'm starting to think that maybe we should try NC for a while and see how that goes because things aren't working for me right now because all I really want is to get back together with him, but I don't want to until I've dated some other people because it wouldn't be fair to him or me to get back together and then have to break up later or even just have regrets because I never dated other people.

 

Sorry this post got so long, I've just got a gazillion things going through my mind and I guess a lot of them spilled over here. Any thoughts about all of this would be very welcome.

[norajane]

If you truly believe you need to date other people, then get out there and start flirting. Go on some dates. You don't have to look for love and be certain of it before going on a date - just date. DO NOT go after his roommate! But DO flirt with that other guy you think you might like.

 

Talk to your roommate and tell her it hurts you that she's going after your ex. Ask her to have a little compassion and not do that, since he's not responding anyway.

 

Get some therapy, as you said, and deal with whatever your issues are.

 

If it's very hard for you to be friends, then yes, tell him you don't want contact for a specific period of time because seeing him just makes you want to get back together. That may be hard because of your circle of friends. Be careful not to isolate yourself from everyone by not going out with them because you are avoiding him - that will just make you feel worse.

[Chamari]

Thanks for responding.

I wasn't planning to flirt with his roomie--that would just be awkward all around--but I will be doubly sure not to now. I guess the real problem with dating other people is that I honestly don't know how to flirt and meet guys. The ones I've known in the past haven't been particularly interested in me so I really have very little experience. In all fairness, I'm a little puzzled that guys seem so totally uninterested in me. Sure, I'm not stunningly gorgeous, but it's not like I'm repulsive either. People tell me I'm fun to be around and I try to be positive and outgoing. Where did I go wrong?

 

I did actually talk to my bf--right there, that's part of my problem I think, I still think of him as my bf instead of as my ex--about how being friends wasn't working and he seemed to feel the same way so we've agreed to try to avoid contact for a while. It's going to be hard, more so because our group of friends tend to hang out in my apartment most evenings and it doesn't seem fair to ban my ex-bf from hanging out with everyone so we just agreed that we'd try to kind of swap off or get everyone to rotate where they meet so we can stay away from each other. Hopefully that will work out alright. The bright side is, since everyone does tend to congregate at my place it will force me to continue to socialize with everyone no matter how I feel about it.

 

I know that eventually this mess will get sorted out but in the mean time it's darn agravating. If I could go ahead and hate the guy it would be so much easier but instead I'm just left thinking how perfect he is. Well, not perfect of course, but he tries really hard. I wish I could just be happy with him and skip this entire break up but at the same time I do think it's for the best--I have a sister who married the first guy she was genuinly interested in and I know that now she wishes that she'd taken more time and dated other people, not because she doesn't love the guy she's with, but because she's been left wondering what she might have missed out on. I don't ever want that to happen to me.

[Kamille]

So who's idea was it to end the relationship? Yours or his? It rather sounds like it was your idea but I'm not clear on that point.

 

One thing is clear, you are hanging on to your ex bf (like you pointed out, it's even in your vocabulary) and what I've learned from experience is that the situation will stay awkward as long as you keep hanging on to the hope that you will reconcile in the future after some dating.

 

If you are the one who decided to end the relationship, then it sounds to me like you got scared. How old are you? Again it makes a difference... You say he is one of the first guys you dated - you can have a serious relationship with the first guy you date - believe me, it doesn't mean it has to last forever. It only means that for now, this is who you choose to be with everyday because he is someone that brings balance into in your life (hopefully).

 

That being said, the fact is that you broke up and I for one believe that once you break up, once those words pass your lips, then it is better to move on completely.

[Chamari]

I can't remember exactly which one of us brought it up first. I think I was the one who admitted that everything was getting a little too serious too quickly for me and he was the one who finally said that we should break up. I guess we were kind of weird that way--we actually talked about breaking up off and on over a couple of weeks and decided that since we both felt like something just wasn't right it made more sense to break up and deal with things than make it worse later on.

 

I guess I am a little scared. I'm a 20 year old college student--he's 23. I know we're both relatively young--that's probably part of it all too.

[Chamari]

I hate feeling like I'm on a roller coaster--I think the quote that best describes my life at this point is something one of my friends said once, "I go up, I go down". It'd be sooooo nice if I could just decide when I wanted to go up and we could all forget about the down part.

 

After making it clear to my ex on Tues. that we needed to go to NC because things weren't working, I, of course, went back to my room and broke down and cried and basically felt miserable. Yesturday morning I woke up and felt great, made it through most of the day in a semi-happpy/hyper mode that was kind of nice actually, and then had a really odd talk with my other roommate about life and guys and everything. That kind of brought me down a bit but not too badly. Then I wake up this morning and life sucks again. Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with the emotional roller coaster? Aside from it being really aggravating for me, I know that it's annoying people around me too.

[Kamille]

Ok I do have a better picture of how it ended. Considering, I really think that you made the right decision and that you are doing your friendship right by going through a period of NC.

 

Now about the rollercoaster... All I've got to say is: you are in it - all you can do is sit back and make the best of it. My first hearbreak (definitely the hardest for me) was a kamikaze rollercoaster ride. There were ups and down and I found out a lot about myself.

 

Here are a few things that do make it easier:

 

give yourself the right to grieve. If all you feel like doing is staying in listening to sappy music - do it. Don't feel guilty about it. I have a tendency to just want to move on too fast and that definitely doesn't help. A break up is a big change in your life - it is normal to be upset, sad and scared.

 

Grieving does have an expiry date but you already don't sound like someone who would wallow in it - in fact you already sound like you don't want to allow yourself to grieve.

 

My first break up grieving lasted about a month - at which point a friend gently told me to turn off the Red House Painters and put on some Bob Marley. Now I'm usually over that part in about a week. But grieving is cyclic for me. I get better and then I relapse (but it's not as bad as before) then I get even better and then relapse again. Just be patient with yourself.

 

take good care of yourself: bubble baths, working out, sleeping well, eating well. Anything that relaxes you. Avoid drinking alcool (it is a depressant after all).

 

Pick up a hobby. Do something you've always wanted to do and never done. Like learn to play piano or something.

 

You'll get through it.

best

K

[Chamari]

Thank you for giving me some hope. I know this is all for the best it's just hard to deal with, more so because it's all new to me anyways. Luckily, school will help keep me busy and if I take the time to think about it I can see a lot of good things about the break up. It doesn't really make it hurt less, but it gives me a kind of peace about it all. I've been looking into trying therapy and just joined a group for the first time today and I think it helped a lot--made me realize a lot of things about myself and I've got to admit that listening to other people helped me have a greater appreciation for what is good in my life.