He cheated on past girlfriends, was I wrong to think it would be different with me?

[Starlight Starbright]

Hi,

 

I have posted about my ex-boyfriend in the breaking up forums. We were together for almost 2 years. He is 27 and I am 26. He was my first bf and first love and I am taking it pretty hard.

 

So when I first started hanging out with him (and hooking up with him), I didn't know he had a girlfriend. Turns out he cheated on her multiple times throughout the relationship. They soon broke up and a year later, him and I were together. I found out there was another girlfriend he had cheated on in the past too.

 

When he fell in love with me, he was upfront about his past (as far as I know) and told me that he thinks that this was the first time he was really in love, and he had changed soooo much and would never do the same with me. He knew I was VERY honest and trustworthy. The problem is, I think he has trouble trusting/respecting women in general, no matter HOW sincere and honest he knows them to be. His mom left the family at a young age, and he has abandonment issues, and is terrified of getting hurt by girls. He once told me that he tries to hurt them before he gets hurt.

 

So once he fell in love with me, he turned into a totally insecure, jealous boyfriend. Didn't want me to go to lunch with male coworkers (even though there aren't many female employees at my company). Had issues with me maintaining friendships with my male friends. Got jealous whenever he saw me interact with any male (thought I was always flirting). Even thought I had a crush on his best friend. He also wanted me to dress rather conservatively (had problems with short skirts and tank tops).

 

 

Finally, when he did break up with me, he admitted that he had been checking out other girls recently, had been flirting, even had gotten a girl's phone number and been texting her (he never told her he had a girlfriend).

 

Should I have known? Was I wrong to think he could have changed? I really think that someone that has THAT much trouble trusting their girlfriend is probably ALWAYS fighting within himself to control his unfaithful urges. I, on the other hand, was soo quick to trust him because I know myself to be such an open, honest person.

 

I think that he probably was able to control his urges while we were in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but once that was over and the relationship is going through some rough times, someone like him will find it much easier to revert back to past behaviors. I guess I'm lucky that he respected me enough to dump me before he actually physically cheated (although I guess I'll never be 100% sure that he didn't).

 

Thoughts? I am quite depressed. I guess it would make me feel much better to know that someone like him will probably have LOTS of issues in life, will have a hard time changing, and I am lucky to have gotten free of him when I did.

[Davis]

Yes dear, he will always have issues in life until he goes through several years of counseling and changes. Yes! You were lucky that you got out early! You should never make excuses for his (or anyone's) bad behavior. "He had a bad childhood". My mother died of cancer when I was young and I have abandonment issues, but that didn't turn me into a cheater. Lots of people, actually most, have bad experiences from childhoold. That obviously doesn't mean that because of our pasts that most of us turn in murderers, cheaters, liars, alcoholics and so on. I'm quite a bit older than you. It's now a good time for you to learn a valuable skill at your age: recognize red flags and make a decision to leave. When you see these signs you saw in your ex, do yourself a favor and BAIL OUT before you get burned!! Take it from me, I'm much older and I'm just learning the bailing out part!