electric_sheep Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Lately I've been thinking about how 25 extra pounds have affected my relationship. The 25 extra pounds belong to my girlfriend, who has aquired them since we first started dating about a year and a 1/2 ago. I never thought of myself as being superficial, but finally I must admit these 25 pounds have had an effect on my libido. I don't think I can deny it any longer. When it was just a little jelly roll I found it terribly cute, but now we're talking much more than that. She just doesn't get me as fired up as she used to, and I must admit I check out some of the other girls at the gym now. In general my feelings have started drifting closer to something akin to friendship. I also have a great fear she will end up shaped just like her aunt or mom (both of whom are obese). The problem is easy enough for me to identify... she just generally is far more interested in food than me, and snacks when bored or upset. I've tried to get her motivated to go to the gym with me, and she has, but I'm beginning to realize just how hard it is to loose weight once it's been put on. I think the body has a tendency to want to stay in equilibrium.
Krytellan Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Well, you need to acknowledge what is important to you. It's not right or wrong to feel that way, but it's necessary you're aware of it. I can't relate though. I know when I love someone, I truly don't even see the physicalness of them so much anymore, but they are more a "representation" of the person. That probably doesn't make any sense. I mean, there may be times where I would think she's putting on weight, but in the end it has no effect on my libido. Maybe I'm just lucky. I had a gf gain about 20 lbs while we were together and it didn't affect my attraction at all. You need to address it with her though... if you care enough to giver her a chance that is.
brokenhart2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Since this weight gain has affected the way you feel towards her..(you said you are starting feel more like a "friend" than a boyfriend)...and also the way you feel towards her sexually, these are both pretty important components of a relationship; regardless of the cause, she needs to know that your perspective of her has changed. If she lost the weight, would the spark return for you? Maybe it isn't just the weight gain- couples with different lifestyles don't seem as likely to survive as a couple. You sound like an active guy that goes to the gym, etc, and you know how to control your eating habits, etc, it's understandable that you might not want to stay with someone who is the opposite of that. But it's also just a matter of behavior modification. The hard part is telling her that her weight gain has affected your sexual attraction towards her. She has 2 choices here, to either think you are being a superficial jerk (if she knows you well then she may not think that), or she can modify her behavior for you because she wants to do whatever will keep the relationship satisfactory. It's good that you got her to the gym...but if she doesn't change her eating habits, this won't make much difference. Express concern for her health. If she has obesity in her family, she has inherited those genes and should be careful not to let it get to her. Things like diabetes comes along with obesity, all the more reason to change her eating habits. If she fails to help herself for the both of you, and the problem gets worse (ex, gains more weight), then it says she must not care enough about her own image or health. Ultimately though, I've seen this type of problem eventually end relationships. The woman gets too "comfortable", gains weight, and the man becomes less attracted (or vice-versa). So if you have already lost that "feeling" for her, it might be too late to get it back..good luck.
allina Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 How do you know it's 25 pounds? Did you weigh your gf when you first started dating and again recently?
Author electric_sheep Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 How do you know it's 25 pounds? Did you weigh your gf when you first started dating and again recently? She told me she's gained 25 pounds. She really wants to loose it herself. She cant fit into any of her old clothes and I can tell her self-image has really taken a nose-dive. Not to mention she complains about her gut being uncomfortable when she is sitting. From the beginning she has seemed somewhat preoccupied about her weight and food. I think this may just be because she has some obese family members, so eating/food/weight is something she is used to thinking about. I havn't really had the heart to really say much to her about it, other than in the most subtle of ways. I've stopped disagreeing so vocally when she says she is chubby (it would be foolish to disagree... she is chubby). I feel a little bad because I think I misled her in a way. I told her not to worry so much about it, that I found her attractive just the way she was. This was still true for the next 5,10, 15 pounds she gained. I guess somewhere along the line I just stopped thinking it was so cute anymore. Anyway, I am still attracted to her. I guess it's a matter of degree. I'm more attracted to her when she has her clothes on or the lights are out. I just have to use my imagination a little more than I used to. My attraction doesn't seem as carnal as before. I think some of it might just be mental too. I find myself sometimes thinking of her as being lazy, because, well... she is a tad lazy. And when she gets into the peanut butter or prepares herself a huge bowl of ice cream... I don't know, the only way to put it is it can get on my nerves on some level. Not all the time, but some of the time. Maybe it's because she complains about feeling fat and talks about how she wants to loose weight, then she eats a 1/3 a jar of peanut butter. I imagine it's similiar to the feeling a non-smoker must have watching their SO smoke a cigarette, or a non-drinker watching their boyfriend drink 4 or 5 beers every night.
allina Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 She told me she's gained 25 pounds. She really wants to loose it herself. She cant fit into any of her old clothes and I can tell her self-image has really taken a nose-dive. Not to mention she complains about her gut being uncomfortable when she is sitting. I asked because i thought it may have been a guess on your part. 25 pounds for a woman is quite a bit of weight. Is she doing anything about it or just saying she's unhappy? If she has already started to do something about it I suggest being patient and seeing how it goes.
Author electric_sheep Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Well, you need to acknowledge what is important to you. It's not right or wrong to feel that way, but it's necessary you're aware of it. I can't relate though. I know when I love someone, I truly don't even see the physicalness of them so much anymore, but they are more a "representation" of the person. That probably doesn't make any sense. I mean, there may be times where I would think she's putting on weight, but in the end it has no effect on my libido. Sometimes I wonder if the decline in my libido might not just be the "natural" decline that happens after you've been with someone for a while. It's hard to know for sure. I can't help but think if she were more fit it would cause more sparks though. My feelings towards her havn't diminished. I still love her like crazy. It's just I'm more likely to want to snuggle than make love. At this point her libido is greater than my own, and I find myself "worrying" she's going to want sex. I think I'd be fine with twice a week at this point. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I never thought this could happen, but I'm starting to fit into that stereotype of the guy more interested in his hobbies than in having sex with his wife. All this already and I'm not even married!
Author electric_sheep Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 I asked because i thought it may have been a guess on your part. 25 pounds for a woman is quite a bit of weight. Is she doing anything about it or just saying she's unhappy? If she has already started to do something about it I suggest being patient and seeing how it goes. She seems committed to loosing it. She's been going to the gym with me and started eating healthier. Her personal eating habits were really atrocious when she met me. In a way she is lucky because I've always been really into fitness and health, so I'm able to set a pretty good example for her. I told her not to be overly restrictive, that gradual changes are better than radical changes. Anyway, she's been doing this for a couple of months and hasn't lost a pound. If there is one thing all this has convinced me of it's that it's easier to gain it than loose it. Particularly when people tend to use food as support and for emotional reasons. I'm totally in love with her at this point, so I guess all I can do is root for her.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Well...looks are somewhat important as it is what initially attracts people to each other..and different things attract different people. I never needed a super gorgeous woman..as a matter of fact, I didn't want someone like that. My wife gained just about 25 pounds too, but she is as beautiful to me now as the day we met....sure she doesn't look as good as she use to...but I didn't decide to marry her for her looks.
Cecelius Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If she were genuinely working at it, it would be working. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is math: calories burned minus calories taken in = result. She may have to work harder than someone else, but it will work. She may be walking instead of running or taking a class. A lot of folks, especially ladies, have a hard time getting down to the nitty gritty of hard exercise or consistency. I had this issue long ago, and ultimately, the result was, magnified over a decade and 5 or 6 sets of 25 lbs gains, and I was repulsed and harshly judgmental of her moral fiber. Reality was, I had seen the signs long before and should have heeded them (forget for a moment my basic premise that wedlock leads to weight gain for the "comfort" reasons above). I'd watch it carefully, remember you aren't married to her and if you feel you've crossed into the friendzone, let her know.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 She seems committed to loosing it. She's been going to the gym with me and started eating healthier. Her personal eating habits were really atrocious when she met me. How can both her exercise AND eating habits have improved since meeting you and yet she'd gained 25 pounds? How tall is she?
Author electric_sheep Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 How can both her exercise AND eating habits have improved since meeting you and yet she'd gained 25 pounds? How tall is she? She's actually 5' 7" or 8" I think. She's not short. This improvement has only happened AFTER the weight gain! The last couple of months or so. I think Cecelius has it right though. She is not used to eating healthy or exercising either one, so even though she is committed to both now, she doesn't quite know how to go about it. She does seem rather timid on the elliptical compared to me (I bust my ass), and she has a major weakness for sweets that gets the best of her here and there. I don't believe in pushing her though, or making to big a deal over it, because I fear she will loose motivation all together. One thing that scares me though... she has mentioned on a couple of occations, when feeling down on herself, that she thinks it's "inevitable" and "hopeless" and that she is bound to end up like her mother (280 lbs. at one point, according to her). That sort of scares me. I mean, as I've said, I don't think I'm overly superficial, but... I've always been somewhere between skinny and athletic (I used to run 30 miles a week), and I never could have conceived of myself as having an obese girlfriend/partner.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I don't believe in pushing her though, or making to big a deal over it, because I fear she will loose motivation all together. WHY NOT??? u dont have to constantly bug her but if she really is trying to commit to losing weight, then maybe she needs some nudging and extra motivation to get her butt moving. its hard to adopt a new lifestyle, and its so much easier to go back to ur old ways. it helps to have someone to motivate and push u. maybe thats the extra help she needs right now. dont make her feel bad, just if u see her slacking off maybe say "hey do u want to go to the gym, u'll feel so much better!" just motivate her thats all.
eddiehazel Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 How old are you? When I was in my twenties, I dated someone for almost three years. We had many issues but one of the major ones was her weight problem. She had a very poor self-image and was weight obsessed...that obsession was more of an issue than the actual weight she gained. She also was a compulsive/emotional eater. Like you, I was very troubled by the prospect of her continuing to gain weight and didn't think I could be with an overweight/obese girlfriend. It was a very significant issue for our relationship over time...unlike you, her weight gain didn't really affect my sexual attraction for her, we had issues there as well but her weight wasn't the issue for me (it was an issue for her, thought). Point is, thirteen years, several pounds of my own and several women later...I would give a lot to have an opportunity to revisit that situation and do things differently today. It still may not have worked out, but I would not have allowed that issue to be as great as it was. The cliche' is true. When you truly love someone and have a real connection, something as superficial and insignificant as weight cannot affect your feelings. Her self-esteem and self-image is low right now. She needs encouragement and support. I will say that if your situation is anything like mine was, sometimes you can be the best, most supportive boyfriend and she still may resist your efforts. You can't make her work out or eat properly. It can be difficult to remain positive and supportive when she's down or acting out. But if the relationship itself is good, then hanging in there may be worth it. Don't act hastily. Give it time. People gain weight, people lose weight. But real love, real friendship, is rare and everlasting.
norajane Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 She is not used to eating healthy or exercising either one, so even though she is committed to both now, she doesn't quite know how to go about it. She does seem rather timid on the elliptical compared to me (I bust my ass), and she has a major weakness for sweets that gets the best of her here and there. I don't believe in pushing her though, or making to big a deal over it, because I fear she will loose motivation all together. One thing that scares me though... she has mentioned on a couple of occations, when feeling down on herself, that she thinks it's "inevitable" and "hopeless" and that she is bound to end up like her mother (280 lbs. at one point, according to her). That sort of scares me. I'm guessing she feels like she doesn't have a lot of control over her body, and that terrifies her. The problem with weight is that she can't just stop eating - she has to eat, so food is both the way she stays alive and her nemesis. She might also have a predisposition to gain weight genetically - or might be afraid she does - and that's another reason why she feels a lack of control. Combined with the fact that women naturally have more fat than men, and that it is much harder for women to lose weight than for men, she probably feels she's caught in a spiral she can't overcome. First, she needs to spend some time with a nutritionist so that she undertands the connections between food, energy, health, and weight. It may seem simple and like something everyone already knows, but that's not the case. Some years ago, I added more protein to my diet, and cut out a lot of the white flour carbs...I had NO idea that I would have so much more energy. I also was a runner, and had always heard about carb loading for extra energy. Yeah, well, pasta and carbs made me sleepy and didn't give me that so-called boost of energy. Once I stopped eating pasta (which has NO nutritional value whatsoever, by the way) and bread all the time and upped my protein with chicken and dairy, I was a powerhouse of energy and could run for days. Next, she needs encouragement with the exercise. Throwing her on the elliptical isn't enough, and is probably boring as hell for her. Help her find a class that she would like and look forward to - maybe that's tennis lessons (where she'd be runnning around the court), maybe that's belly dancing class (which is high energy fun and will give her a much better body image due to the nature of the dance), maybe that's a spinning class with an instructor who pushes the students and motivates them, maybe that's a kickboxing class (which is also very high energy and she can learn to kick the sh*t out of her emotional eating - and any freak who dares attack her). Point being, one exercise does not fit all, and if she finds something fun that she looks forward to doing, she'll put more into it. What works for YOU isn't necessarily going to work for her. At the same time, cardio isn't everything. If she hasn't been exercising in years, she also needs some strength training to build up her muscles. Not only will she feel stronger, but those muscles will help her burn more fat. Double whammy. Once she sees that she has some control over her weight, she won't be so depressed and she won't be so afraid she's going to turn into her mother.
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