Considering Divorce

[jnb]

Newbie here,

 

I am considering leaving my husband. I love him, he's a wonderful man, good father and for the most part has been a good husband. But, like everyone he has his faults. If you asked him what they were he'd tell you he doesn't have any and he really does believe that.

 

We've been together almost 18 years, 2nd marriage for us both and we both brought children into the marriage (2 each). They're raised and out on there own now. I always thought by this time in our lives we'd have it together and everything would run like a well oiled clock. Boy was I an idiot.

 

Our problems have been money, his ex wife and his kids from the start. When I met him he had terrible credit, he only paid the bills that were important to him (the ones he needed to keep using...truck tool accounts, rent, utilities to be exact and in that order) everything else went in the trash can. I on the other hand would go without cable tv, a phone, car insurance, just to keep the rent paid, utilities on and food in the house. Looking back we were a poor financial match from the start.

 

When we relocated less then a year into our relationship (due to work) I found it almost impossible to find a place to live because of his credit report. Finally a very nice man took pity on me, took a chance and rented us an apartment. I spent 3 ½ years cleaning up his credit and trying to catch his child support up. Those 3 years where difficult, we spent a lot of time arguing over the money, he wanted to buy things and I insisted that the credit be cleaned up and the ex be paid her child support.

 

After 3 1/2 years I'd cleared his credit and began paying extra on the child support. The ex wife called and told me she wouldn't accept anything but cash from that point forward, this had been their agreement from day one and she wouldn't accept it any other way. Child support checks where returned with post it notes that said "Cash Only". Hence, I stopped paying the child support, I knew what she was doing. This created more stress in our relationship, although she’d left him for another man he didn’t think she would lie about the support he’d paid her in cash for the 7 years before we met, felt I was being unreasonable and causing undo trouble. I did win this fight but with a cost.

 

WE at this time in our lives still aren’t married, he’d indefinitely put off the wedding date due to FINANCES, I was young in my 20’s with a constant broken heart over this little fact, I cried about it a lot because I couldn’t understand how he could not take me as his wife after everything we’d been thru at this point (yes, I’m leaving a lot of detail out because it would just take to long to explain everything). I new better then to stay, I new it was wrong but we’d got together when my children were very young and their biological father (better known as Bio-Sperm) walked away from them when the youngest was 3 weeks old because he’d changed his mind about being a father and husband. We never saw him again. My husband raised them from 3 and 5 years old, he is the only father they’ve ever known, the bond between them is as strong as blood relation. I couldn’t leave at this time because it would have destroyed my kids, it would have destroyed me as well, I loved him so much I was willing to go thru anything for him.

 

When I stopped paying support the ex dumped one of the kids on us, my step son. He was destroying her marriage, or so she said, and didn’t want him in the home anymore. He hated having step parents and spent his entire life from the age of 3 trying to break up his mother and step father, I came into the picture and was unlucky enough to have his hatred extended to me. I don’t even want to begin telling you the terror this kid brought into my life but he’s 27 years old now and still every time we see him he does something to cause trouble. The last time he tried to trick me into mailing a men’s shaving bag to his girlfriend that she’d forgotten at our house even though they were coming back in a month and could have picked it up then. Thankfully I caught on that something wasn’t right and looked into the bag, it was full of prescription bottles for 3 different people with about 30 different kinds of pills. I stopped trying with him then.

 

If your still with me you’re either very patient or mental health counselor with advice .

 

So when my step son moved in with us we had to find a bigger place to live. We moved into a rental house. That same month my husbands father called and let him know he’d decided (after 20+ years) to come and see him, he wanted to meet me and he’d decided during his visit we would get married. He was coming in 7 days. My husband hung up the phone and informed me I had 7 days to put a wedding together, we were getting married the following Sunday. I tried to tell him there was no way I could get a wedding together in 7 days, we didn’t even have the money to get a marriage license or pay a minister let alone the rest of the costs involved in getting married. We were tapped out due to a move just a few weeks before not to mention his son showed up 50 lbs underweight and was currently eating us out of house and home (I could have killed the ex for her care taking skills during this period, this kid was 14 years old, 5’ 4 and weighed 70 lbs). Hubby just looked at me and said as sternly as he could “It’s now or it’s never” and walked away. Fear ran through my heart that I’d lose him if I didn’t comply so I found a marriage service that would marry us for next to nothing, put off a few bills and we got married (me in the only dress I owned, brown denim ). I’ve never gotten over this, the way it all came about. We’ve talked about it over the years, he remembers none of this conversation or won’t admit it, says I’m lucky he married at all. Either way I’m still crushed that he didn’t love me enough then to listen to what was important to me or love me enough now to marry me simply because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me.

 

While we had the son the ex increased her harassment. She called almost daily telling me to get out, she and the kids didn’t want me in his life, threatening bodily injury from fist to weapons. Looking back I have no idea how I managed to stay in this relationship, it was a nightmare, I had it coming from every direction in and out of the home. Plus my husbands credit was now cleaned up and he was able to QUALIFY for lots of new stuff. I had no support, he was afraid to step on her toes and make the woman mad at him, he wanted nothing to do with her so every time she called he handed the phone to me. His family was close to the ex so they hated me, plus we’d moved 15 hours away from everyone which just ticked everyone off all that much more. My family was also screwed up so support from that direction was null and void, I was on my own and responsible for keeping the peace in all directions or be the bad guy.

 

Finally I’d had enough and put my foot down, the kid was able to move from his mothers home to our home anytime he wanted, so he’d cause trouble, when things got to hot he’d run to the others house only to do it again. I demanded full custody go to my husband or I was kicking him out. She was 1 day late with the papers, I never opened them, just wrote “return to sender” on the envelope and bought the kid a plane ticket sending him home the day after school got out for the summer. When she threatened we’d never see him again I told her that was fine with me and hung up on her. She then did exactly what I’d told my husband she’d always planned to do, took him to the DA for child support and listed that he’d never paid her a red cent and hadn’t seen the kids since the divorce. Thankfully I keep very good records, report cards, doctors receipts, cancelled checks. After 6 months or so the DA didn’t believe a word she’d told him but he also explained to me that since none of the money had gone thru the DA’s office none of the money we’d paid counted towards the support so his balance was 100% of the child-support from the date of judgment.

 

We were (and still are) always stretched financially, there was (and still is) always something he wanted, needed or deserved because he’d worked hard. By now we’re 8 years into this relationship and finally bought a house. I’d paid off so many bills only to have him rack them back up again because he could. Let me explain, I have the check book, I’m responsible 100% for making sure the bills get paid on time every month, I’m responsible for creating the budget and keeping it straight. However, I am not the individual in the marriage who decides what the bills will be, what the payments will be or how many of them there will be, he makes these decisions and nothing I do or say can change his mind. When I tell him we can’t afford what ever it is he’s decided to buy I’m belittled with “oh….. yes we can” or “I make the money around here” or “you never let me have anything” or “you don’t want me to have anything” or “I deserve it because I work hard and I haven’t bought anything in a while” (even though I’m still paying on the crap he’s bought 6 months ago, two years ago, etc). We are always right around $60,000 in debt on top of a mortgage.

 

So we bought our first home and the step son turned 18 the same year. Somehow in the first 30 days she got wind that we’d bought a house (in-laws I’m sure) and she wanted all her money in one lump sum with 10 days notice. Long story short I took a second on the house and while waiting for everything to come together she badgered the DA daily (who in turn badgered me daily) until I finally said if she didn’t stop I’d call the whole thing off, get a divorce and she’d get nothing. The DA was so fed up with her that he agreed with me and added that she was now only entitled to 65% of the pay off we’d decided on and if she didn’t agree with it they could go back to court and he’d show the judge all her lies and our proof and she’d get $300 a month for the rest of her life and not a penny more. The second came thru and we got rid of her.

 

With that debt paid off (not the second mortgage just the DA) my husband went wild. WE needed $10,000 a month (and for a while we had it) just to make ends meet, I’d manage to pay off a debt and he’d have it maxed by the next statement. We ended up filing bankruptcy when he got hurt at work. WE managed to hang on for a while but sunk fast. I thought he’d learned is lesson, we had no credit, had to start from scratch and I built our credit profile back up. We managed to keep our home and year later sold and moved to his home town buying another home (paying a ridiculous interest rate, but at least we owned it). Again I went to work, the money was suppose to be strictly for savings, but that didn’t last long. With his credit being built back up to a decent rating he started out with charging on the tool trucks, then the credit cards started coming in with small charges at convience stores for things like a cup of coffee, smokes, a sandwich even though he had money in his pocket for these things. He refused to give up his ATM card and money was flying out of the checking account, I was always one step behind him instead of in front of him, having to leave two to three hundred in the account every week because I never knew what he was going to buy next (I still don’t know where the money went.

 

Here we are almost 18 years later. The final blow came just under two years ago, this is when I started realizing that I’m married to an unreasonable man when it comes to money (yes I'm aware of the fact that I'm slow ). One of our kids was driving an unreliable vehicle but had been hired on at a police station. He wanted to become a police officer, it was about an hour away and he was starting out working the graveyard shift. We live in rural America, I was worried he might break down and get killed by some screwball. I went to a car dealer and found an affordable used vehicle, I was considering buying it for myself and giving my son my car so he would have reliable transportation (it was about 5 years old purchased brand new and taken care of). I took my husband to the dealer, we’d agreed before going that we weren’t buying anything just considering it and the limit was under $10,000 should we decide to do anything at all. I let the salesman run the credit because I wanted to know what the payment would be for this one vehicle. Well, my mistake. Our credit score was over 730, he did everything he could do to sell me a car worth $40,000 or more. When he realized I wasn’t biting he turned to my husband. I wasn’t really worried because we’d agreed we weren’t buying anything, he assured me he wasn’t going to buy anything and told me to relax and trust him. The salesman showed him a truck, talked him into a test drive and my husband feel in love with the truck. He refused to leave the dealership until he got to talk to finance about the cost of the vehicle, 3 hours later we still didn’t know how much the stupid thing costs, I wanted to go home but he wouldn’t leave. Finally the finance guy comes out and takes us into his office. He’s already drawn up paperwork for a $950 a month car payment, we still have no idea what the cost of the vehicle is and he isn’t willing to give us the MSRP price. It came down to my trying to walk out, the man gets up and blocks me, puts one hand on the door holding it closed and the other hand on my arm gets about 5 inches from my face and tells me to “sit down”. I looked at my husband and he’s just sitting in the seat watching, I tell him there’s no way we can afford this truck, he tells the man we need a minute and the guys steps outside (listening I’m sure to every word we’re saying). My husband tells me if we can’t afford this truck we can leave, the finance guy comes running back in, I told my wonderful husband we can’t afford it and we’d agreed not to buy anything. I thought we would leave but instead he looks at me and tells me he really wants the truck. I tried to leave 3 times but my husband refused to get out of the chair, he bought that truck . At the time he bought it we were less then $4,000 in debt, we’re now almost $60,000 because of it. I’m paying bills that we have to pay on the credit cards, we’re right back where we started.

 

I cry every day. I get headaches, shake and feel like I’m going to vomit every time I balance the check book or sit down to make out the bills. He absolutely refuses to help with the budget or even look at the bills. I’m either angry or depressed all the time, but never happy anymore. I’m afraid I’m falling out of love with him, I’ve become cold and bitter over the way and reason we married, I’ve given up any hope of him ever loving me enough to marry me for the right reasons, I rationalize it now with “why cry over someone who never loved me enough to begin with”. I’ve thought about divorce every day for almost two years, it’s getting easier to consider it as an option even though I hate myself for thinking about it. The future I see with this man is dim, poverty in retirement years, hunger, and anger from him for not being able to afford life the way he wants it to be. I'm to tired to continue living like this, it's physicially and emotionally draining, the desire is just gone.

 

Well, if you’re still with me thank you for reading. I’m sorry it’s so long, guess I just needed to vent so I could focus on work today.

[LakesideDream]

Finances do cause problems in relationships. Your tale is a terrible one.

 

If I were you I'd want to move to a one room cabin in the mountains and de stress. The answer is obvious, stop spending, if you can't. Start walking.

[MoonGirl]

jnb,

 

Oh gosh...I feel awful for you. Tell your husband he needs to seek help or you're not going to stay. Some people need a serious wake-up call...like their spouse moving out or filing for divorce before they're willing to see their mistakes. Just be willing to loose him if you're going to take such extreme action.

 

Keep posting. We're here to listen.

[jnb]

Finances do cause problems in relationships. Your tale is a terrible one.

 

If I were you I'd want to move to a one room cabin in the mountains and de stress. The answer is obvious, stop spending, if you can't. Start walking.

 

Oh the thought of a one room cabin, hide out, just me and nature (with plumbing of course ) would be wonderful.....sadly, can't afford it right now .

 

Thanks for the lift, I realize there are others out there with REAL problems, illness, disease, death and the dreaded taxes but this problem in my heart has become all to real. I'm really tired of waking up at 4 am every morning and crying. I'm sick of crying and feeling helpless. I'm one who prefers to run from my problems but faces her fears head on. This is a fear that's a real problem and I don't know how to handle that.

[jnb]

jnb,

 

Oh gosh...I feel awful for you. Tell your husband he needs to seek help or you're not going to stay. Some people need a serious wake-up call...like their spouse moving out or filing for divorce before they're willing to see their mistakes. Just be willing to loose him if you're going to take such extreme action.

 

Keep posting. We're here to listen.

 

Oh MoonGirl any chance you'd tell him for me, I already sound like a broken record , maybe if you told him he'd listen. I agree with you that some do need a wake up call, I've preached it for years and even helped saved some marriages with your exact advice. See you're right, the reason I haven't left yet is because I haven't been willing to lose him. On the other hand I've never been this close to giving up either.

 

My dad use to say (before he died) "there are no problems only solutions". Everytime I got upset over something he'd say that and I'd figure a way out of what ever the problem was. I keep repeating it to myself, the solution for the spending is $$ and more of it, teaching him to have self control so we don't end up here AGAIN but he doesn't want to learn, and how do I fix my heart, forgive him for not loving me enough to take me as his wife just simply because he loves me instead of doing it to make someone else happy.

 

I'd give almost anything to take wedding vows just because of love. It hurts so much, I can't sit thru a movie with a wedding, go to a wedding, look at pictures of someones wedding without being reminded my husband doesn't love me that way. I usually will get up and walk out of the room but if I can't I'm spending time hideing the tears. It use to be that it really only hurt around our anniversary, but these last 18 months it's on my mind 24/7. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my turning 40 last year, things in life I've missed out on and don't have the chance to do anymore. I told him for the first time last week that I hated him, it came out before I realized what I said, I thought I would regret it but it actually made me feel better how awful have I become.

[redfathom]

You might want to read a book on codependancy or see a therapist on your own if he will not go with you.

 

Codependancy is:

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

 

My therpist says I am a codependant and I will be taking a class next month to try to work on that.

[jnb]

Redfathom:

 

Thanks for info on Codependancy. I'm familiar with it, studied the topic in depth in college. Maybe I took your post wrong, I got from your text that you think I need counseling because I'm co-dependant on my husband. Please, let me clear this up, neither my husband nor myself fit the description of Codependancy. We are both "A" type personalities, very driven, very strong and very very independant. WE are the couple that everyone relys on, neither of us are needy although there are things in life we want (but that doesn't make you a needy person). Control, well neither of us has control, he does what he wants which puts us in deep debt (keeping up with the Jones and his own ego) and I clean up the mess (only because no one else will, it's true, I've gone on strike before, it only works if someone CARES about the house and the bills).

 

Nope, no control there at all!

 

I gave up Counselors and Therapy with my first marriage. The marriage counselor told my first husband a man had every right to beat his wife if she didn't do what he told her to do (yes this was a woman counselor). We went home that night and he beat me right into the emergency room. Those types of incidents turn many women into whipped dogs, it turned me into a pitt bull with the cloak of collie.

 

Good luck with your class but don't let someone lable you to make themselves feel better, even if they have a degree.

[redfathom]

Yes, it was not taken the way it was intended. I am not saying you are dependant on your husband or visa versa. Codependancy, to me as it was explained, means you feel the need to solve other peoples problems even if that means giving up things you might need, like financial security. For example, I am the person everyone relies on, even now that I am going through a seperation, my friend is still asking me advise on her breakup (a relationship that lasted 3 months) and today I finally told her, that I do not have time or energy to think about what she needs to do or the meaning behind something her ex said. I told her I was not trying to be mean just that I have things I need to work on right now.

 

To me, that is a break through, normally I would have invested time and energy into helping her even when I did not want to (due to other pressing issues, not a lack of caring.)

 

All I meant was that maybe you feel the need to take care of others and put them before yourself and that understanding this would help you to focus on YOUR needs, even if those needs come before the needs in your marriage.

 

I hope you find a solution.

[jnb]

"I am not saying you are dependant on your husband or visa versa. Codependancy, to me as it was explained, means you feel the need to solve other peoples problems even if that means giving up things you might need, like financial security."

 

Redfathom:

 

Okay I see what you're saying and now understand your post. No I didn't think you were being mean at all, I realize my story could be taken in many ways. I can see how anyone might think I'm codepentant or he might be codepentant after reading your statement. Daaa, told ya I was slow .

 

An outsider looking in would probably look at us and think I needed help, it probably does look like I'm a control freak since I handle all the finances and publically tell him we can't afford it (never seems to do any good though). Maybe it appears I'm a grouch, a witch, a control freak or a horrible wife, it probably does but that's only because I'm married to a 51 year old adolescent. I've begged him over the years to take the finances, learn about it and handle them. The way I see it nothing makes a person grow up faster or become financially responsible then the bank account balance consistently reducing.

 

Sadly, he just doesn't want any of the responsibility. He goes to work and comes home, to him that's enough. He's entitled to buy what he wants when he wants because he has a J.O.B. When I have a regular paying (currently self employed) J.O.B. he's entitled to buy more because the income is higher, I'm entitled only when he's done getting the things he wants.

[jnb]

Oh just one more thing. I'm making him out to sound like a really mean man and that's not my intent. If you met him you'd love him, everyone does, he's the life of the party and most think he's a saint. In many cases he is a Saint. He just spends far to much and my feelings come last not first.

[redfathom]

The thing is that someone has to be responsible, it should be 50/50, where you each do your share and unfortunately you have to pick up the slack otherwise it would not get done, I understand how exhausting that it. The financial role is about the same in our house. My H did most of the bills, then I started to pitch in and all responsibility fell on me, when I asked him about this he said, "Well you got involved so I am just letting you do it". The sad thing is, I took most of the household responsibilities and put them on my plate and now I am tired. His brother lives with us, he is 21 and has lived with us since he was 16 (when there mom passed away) and I can say that he does NOTHING unless you ask him three times and my H does not ask him to do anything. It's hard, I am resentful for it but also partly responsible, I say partly because my H should have helped and not put it all on me to do. That is what a marriage should be.

 

My H has spent over the past 5 years about $15k on his car, this whole time I have been asking for a vacation. Finally he understands that I am being serious.

 

We do not fight about finances at this point we are both smart about them and have great credit, no debt other then our house.

 

It would be nice to take a vacation though .

[jnb]

Redfathom, I can totally relate to the teens in the house. Getting them to do anything was basically impossible without a fight. They resented me every time I asked "will you please_________" so I finally gave up. When they moved out (together at the same time) when the youngest was 18 1/2 it was really nice to have the house all to ourselves. The youngest is turning 21 in a few weeks and plans to move home so he can afford to go to college. I feel terrible, it's kind of a bad time with how I'm feeling.

 

My hubby and sons are car buffs to, infact they all work in the automotive field. This is the first time in my life I haven't had a "project" car sitting in the drive, yard, garage. Yaaaaaaa.

 

We don't take vacations either. We've gone to Laughlin once but I didn't get to know where we were going until we drove into the city, was just told to pack some clothes and don't ask any questions. For some reason keeping me in the dark until "the moment" is his way of being romatic, it just leaves me feeling like a thrid wheel. I've given up ever taking a vacation too.

[Ripples]

Would it be possible for you to keep your money completely separate from your husbands? Could you agree which bills each of you are responsible for and then have your own bank accounts. That way you wouldn't be landed with the cost of his new truck/tool/toy and he'd have no option but to face up to paying his own bills without you bailing him out.

 

Alternatively, moving out and filing for divorce maybe the wake up call he needs.

[jnb]

Hi Ripples

 

No neither of us would even consider seperate accounts w/his/her bills. We are one, and so are our finances. I have never known a couple this actually works for. It always ends in either bitter fights, neither having any respect for each others choices and/or divorce. He has no problem paying for the things he wants, he works very hard to pay for everything from the mortgage, utilities, ins prem, etc, it's the priority of what to buy and when that we have the problem with. He refuses to deal with the money in regards to how it's allocated, look at the bills, etc. He just can't bring himself to do. I don't mind his having toys, that is, as long as we can afford it with the rest of the finances along with savings, 401K, retirement planning and so on. Honestly, I think if he would sit down with me once a week and see the reality of what is coming in vs what is going out along with how hard it is to strech the funds then he'd think twice before spending. Problem is he just won't do it.

 

I'm trying hard not to end up in a divorce over the money, that really is my goal. I love this man so much, he's a wonderful husband, patient, kind, loving, respectful. We can have an arguement and there's never been a time in all these years he hasn't had open arms waiting for me regarless of who's at fault. We can be furious with each other and something happens he's right there with unconditional love "no matter what". So fighting to keep this marriage is my goal, but the finances really do have to change. I guess that's why I came here, maybe to find some glimmer of what someone else has gone thru that I haven't tried yet.

 

I will say this as far as seperate bank accounts go I've decided to open a seperate checking for my income to be deposited in. I'm self employed with a few different companies, so he never knows how much money I actually have coming in, neither do I until it's deposited. So, to protect the future as far as savings and retirement goes I do plan on hideing money but only because we will need it in the future. After all if he doesn't know about he can't spend it.

 

I envy those who have spouse that check up on the internet usage. If he did he'd see where I'm coming from and maybe get a clue....but, he trusts me with his whole heart and knows I'd never do anything to hurt him so no chance of him ever seeing these posts. Bummer.

[Ripples]

You could always give him the link to this thread.

 

So, you have got your own account, that's very sensible.

 

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to suggest to you. I have to infer that you've sat down with him and discussed, in a non-confrontational way, your feelings and given him a proposal for prioritising future spending.

 

Have you also told him that this situation is enough for you to consider divorce? If you haven't maybe that would be another course to take. Unless you're too worried that he may accept divorce as an option?

[jnb]

No I haven't opened the account yet but will do so with the next commission that comes in.

 

Yes, I've talked to him over the years about this spending, savings, retirement bla bla bla. It's like talking to a wall. His additude is he works hard and is entitled to buy what he wants. If he has a few good months he does forget that the bad months are comeing. Basically, the response I get is "if you don't like it then leave".

 

Here's a little income background. We both work straight commission jobs, he's a automotive tech and I'm an insurance advisor in the senior market. We do not have a consistent $ figure coming in every week, month, year. The $ figure changes according to the production. They both are very good paying positions but there are slow months and believe it or not weather, seasons, tax season, holidays, price of gas and economic scares from the TV news do actually effect our ability to make a living. It wasn't as difficult when we lived in Southern California but we now live in N. E. Oklahoma where incomes are about 1/3 of what we're use to dealing with.

 

As for sitting him down NOW and telling him I'm at the end of my rope, divorce is something I'm looking at as a real reality. No, I haven't done that. His mother is very ill, we don't expect her to make it thru the year. So, to make matters financially worse his sister informed me last week that we and his brother will bear the full cost of the funeral because his other siblings all live off disability and no one can afford to bury mom. Cremation is not an option so the cost will be about $9,500. They've told us for a decade that she had a life insurance policy but wouldn't let me see it. When they finally looked into how to file a claim against it when she died the company told them it's only Accidental Death and Dismemberment and won't pay. They thought they got a great deal at $6 a month and I was ripping people off with $100 a month premiums. I hate dealing with the mentality that people are out smarting the insurance company, it's stupidity.

 

I've delt with a lot of death in my life, to me it's no longer a sad thing but just part of life. My husband has never delt with anyone close to him passing away, I'm worried about how he's going to deal with it. Laying this on him NOW would just be a cold heart thing to do. I would lose him for sure, he'd think I was a horrible person kicking him at the worst time of his life. He'd be right.

 

My thought on this is to open my own checking, have all my commissions dumped there. Deposit a portion into joint checking, holding some back for an emergency, and pay the bills with what we have. This way he will always think we're broke and buying anthing else will cause a huge fight. It's manipulating I know but I don't know what else to do.

 

Sorry, I know it's long, I really don't do that on purpose.

[Ripples]

You could tell him that you're opening your own account and (calmly) explain why you need to do that; i.e. because you need financial security and haven't got it while you only have a joint account. Maybe that would help him understand the extent of the problem.

[jnb]

Yes Ripples that is something I can do once it's done. Maybe that will wake him up at least to the financial part of our life.

[jnb]

Update:

 

I've been rethinking this. My husband with all his faults (and I have plenty) is not worth letting go of. If the worst of our problems is money then money will just have to fix them, work harder and for longer hours until it's back to an even keel. Thanks for all the input from everyone but after reading many of the posts in this forum I see I don't have it bad at all. I'd rather be married to a man who forgets my emotions and spends to much money then sleeps around or worse knocks me around. I can live with this.