Divorcing... friend reveals feelings

[digichick]

I'm about to go through a divorce (moved out after Thanksgiving but haven't filed yet). We were married 14 years. It was not a good marriage - largely due to my husband's controlling ways, anger issues, and emotional abuse. I finally decided I want to live my life according to MY expectations, not his, make my own decisions rather than live with the consequences of him making (bad) decisions without my input, and just be happy and at peace. Emotionally I left this marriage years ago. I can't recall the last time I felt love for him. He has no interest in any more counseling, or making any changes, and frankly I am done. Plain and simple. And I am incredibly relieved that legally, it's just about over.

 

The one thing I was looking forward to most in this divorce was being blissfully ALONE ... for the first time in ages I don't have to answer to anybody or worry about anyone's needs but my own. I've also been excited and anxious to meet and date lots of new people, in an effort to discover what the "single me" likes/wants/needs both in life and perhaps in a future partner. KWIM?

 

Too bad someone threw a monkey wrench into those plans....

Shortly after I moved out, I got a surprise email from a former male friend of mine. We met each other 10+ years ago and were actually business partners for the first 4 of those years (with both of our spouses knowledge/consent). I considered him a "best friend" while we were in business.... we brought out the absolute best in each other - and had so much fun - even though we were *completely* platonic the entire time. We didn't so much as kiss, or even think about it! The close friendship we had was more than enough for both of us. It was wonderful.

 

We parted ways when he went through a divorce and moved out of state. I missed him greatly the last 5 or so years, and was shocked to hear from him about a month ago. He was just as surprised to find out about my divorce. Since he now lives less than an hour away from me, we decided to get together to catch up on old times and see if we might be able to do some business together again.

 

And when I saw him it was like being struck by lightning. We sat and talked for 10+ hours on that "date", and by the end I realized my feelings for him were a million times stronger than the close platonic friendship and business partnership we'd had before. As part of my therapy I've made a list of traits my "dream man" should possess, and he has them all. It's kind of like he IS me... the connections are so deep on every level. I've dated plenty in life and nobody has ever related to me like this or come even a fraction as close to being my ideal. It's almost like our experiences apart from each other brought us together on a more intimate level than ever before possible. It's downright insane.

 

As I drove home that night I tried to figure out exactly what I was feeling towards him and why. Why so strongly in so many ways??? I'd expected to see my "best friend" - exactly as he was when we made money together.... but business was the LAST thing on my mind when I was with him. Being with him made me feel things I've never felt before, with anyone. And all we did was talk! It confused the living heck out of me, scared me, delighted me, you name it and I probably felt it that night.

 

The next morning I checked my email, and there was an email from him that could only be described as the greatest love letter ever written. It seems he was feeling all those crazy unexpected feelings from the night before too, and he was so excited and optimistic about what it all meant. He was as baffled as I was about the "why's" of it all, but didn't seem too concerned about it (like I was).

 

Since then (about a month ago) we've seen each other 5 or 6 times - including 2 overnight stays, we talk on the phone almost every day, and email/text about 3-4 times/day, sometimes really long heartfelt messages. The farthest we've gone physically is kissing, and that feels absolutely electrical.... corny as it sounds. It's just so powerful, and hard to put into words.

 

So what the heck am I supposed to do? My feelings are only growing in intensity, and I think I'm falling swiftly in love. If his intent is to sweep me off my feet he's doing a fantastic job. Nobody has ever "touched me" like he has - I never even knew it was possible to feel like this. He claims he already loves me, and all his sweet actions to prove it are melting my heart. (which is not an easy thing to do)

 

I don't see how I can possibly be ready for "the lifetime of love" he is convinced we're going to share!!! I can easily envision myself with him in a forever kind of way, but I'm much more comfortable taking it one day at a time. I *want* to be single and independent, and I need to go through all the motions and emotions of divorce. He says he understands because he went through it 6 years ago himself (he was married 20 years). And he says he'll give me all the space I need and wait forever for me to be ready to accept his love.

 

I just don't know what to do with any of this. Part of me wants to call it all off before either one of us gets brutally hurt, but when I think of losing him in my life again it's like all the color drains away. Part of me wishes we'd never revealed these new feelings to each other, so he still *could* be just a friend, but there's no way to un-say all the things we've said to each other. It's already much more than just friends and impossible to pretend otherwise.

 

So I guess I'm wondering... is there a way to keep him in my life but slow things way down? It feels so right, but how can it be if the timing is ALL wrong? It'd be easy to accept his love instead of journeying on my own for a while, which I strongly feel I need to do. He thinks I can do both, but I don't see how? He somehow seems to have a logical "answer" for every one of my concerns, and insists it will work despite the issues of my divorce or any other obstacles that come our way, as long as we have each other. I think he's looking through rose-tinted glasses, and while I can see the amazing things he's seeing, I'm too realistic NOT to slide those glasses down my nose for a glimpse of the bigger picture.

 

:::sigh::: Should I tell him to call me back in a year or what? What is the "right" thing to do here? Does anyone have ANY advice?

 

Thanks for reading... if you made it this far!

Carla

[ratingsguy]

Wow... all I can say is wow. I'm in the exact same situation that you are, except I'm on the other side of the fence.

 

I'm a 31 year old man who got involved with a 46 year old woman some time ago, who is recently separated from her husband of 22 years. She was in the same spot you were emotionally... fell out of love with her husband almost 10 years ago. Unlike your situation, he was a good provider, not abusive, but rather very neglectful emotionally. Didn't recognize anniversaries, holidays, etc. and just didn't show the love and adoration a man should show a woman. She asked for a divorce on their 20th anniversary, but he just seemed to drag his feet, I guess hoping it would go away. She felt very trapped in the last few years... so much so that she's been hospitalized on three different occassions due to anxiety attacks related to these feelings. The last one was so bad she went into seizures. It was that episode that made the H finally agree to separate (amicably), and they did so on January 1st.

 

I have to admit that we were seeing each other prior to her separation. I'm not proud of that fact, but I understood her desperation and over time we grew very close. Like you, we spent weekends together, I bought her flowers, wrote poetry for her, and time spent together was just magical. She would tell me that I was the greatest man she's ever met and that the chemistry was so natural... and it was! She had 22 years worth of love pent up inside her and she showered me with it.

 

Then just weeks into her separation, I felt her begin to pull away. I didn't think much of it at first as she is a very busy person with kids, friends and other obligations. But it became more and more noticable as the days passed. So we sat down and talked about it and she told me that she needed time to herself. I was pretty shocked to say the least, but I told her that I understood. Like yourself, she was very confused by her emotions, but she knew it was something that she had to do. 22 years is a long time to be married... and her thinking was that if she didn't take the opportunity to explore being single at this point in her life, she would never get that same opportunity again. And in the long run, she would end up resenting me. This was also on the advice of her therapist (take that for what it's worth).

 

I know her feelings for me are there... beyond the shadow of a doubt. She said to me on a few occassions around this time "I wish it were a year from now". So I guess I'm here to tell you that if my MW is any indication, what you're going through is completely normal. Someone who is recently separated has no clue what they want out of life right away. It's like you've landed on a brand new planet and you're just starting to get familiar with your surroundings.

 

So what have we done? A few weeks back, I asked her for a period of no contact. And it doesn't mean I don't care for her at all... it just means that I'm giving her the time that she needs. By not contacting each other, we're making it easier to move on, even if it's just temporarily. You need to experience being single... and the guy you speak of cannot be part of your life when you do this... it will only complicate things... and I think you're starting to see that things are complicated already. I told her that we can't be friends right now. We decided that we will regroup in May and see what happens. I'm treating this as if it was a breakup. You're right... the timing is downright awful, and this is painful, but if you want to be with this person in the future, and have a long healthy relationship, this is something you need to do for you. The guy you're with hopefully will understand that. My MW has encouraged me to date, and I'm starting to. So we're moving on, and if we get back together great... and if not then it wasn't meant to me, but by maintaining NC, it lessens the hurt somewhat... AND gives you the space you need.

 

Does that all make sense? I guess the bottom line is that what you're feeling is normal, you do need time to yourself to explore life again, and hopefully your man will be understaning of this. It was difficult for me, but if I do want to be with her in the long run, this is the best shot I have to accomplish that.

 

Good luck to you... and welcome to the forum!

[MoonGirl]

digichick,

 

Yes, there are ways to keep him in your life, but take things SLOW. Sure, have a great time with this guy, but you also need some time for yourself (as you already know).

 

I am in a similar situation...going through a divorce and have a boyfriend. I have also known my now boyfriend for 10+ years and my feelings for him are also electric. BUT I am also realistic. I have made it clear to my boyfriend that I won't and can't commit seriously to him until well after my divorce papers are final. We have also agreed to talk or hang out just once every 2 weeks. As hard as this is to do, it enforces my need to take things slow.

 

Step back and look at your situation from the outside. Hang out with your girlfriends a lot, read about relationships, do all of the things you need and want to do with your life.

 

There is really no need to make a lifelong commitment right now, is there? Listen, if this guy IS the one for you, he will give you the time and space you need to divorce, deal with your emotions, and be "single." Just make sure your communication with him is superb, and that he knows what your needs are. It sounds like he's more than willing to work with you.

 

Good luck!

[digichick]

Unlike your situation, he was a good provider, not abusive, but rather very neglectful emotionally.

 

Same as mine. He was so uninvolved I feel like he barely knows me. I left the relationship emotionally a long time ago, began therapy, etc. Because of that I feel like I have a bit of a jump-start on the healing process, but I could be just fooling myself.

 

... and her thinking was that if she didn't take the opportunity to explore being single at this point in her life, she would never get that same opportunity again. And in the long run, she would end up resenting me. This was also on the advice of her therapist (take that for what it's worth).

That's good advice, and one of my biggest concerns.

 

She said to me on a few occassions around this time "I wish it were a year from now".

I said this to my guy at least 10 times!

 

You need to experience being single... and the guy you speak of cannot be part of your life when you do this... it will only complicate things... and I think you're starting to see that things are complicated already.

Yes exactly! I WANT to be single. And as selfish as it sounds I don't want to worry about anyone else's feelings right now.

 

Does that all make sense? I guess the bottom line is that what you're feeling is normal, you do need time to yourself to explore life again, and hopefully your man will be understaning of this.

Yes it makes sense. It's pretty much what my head tells me everyday. I just WISH there was a way to have my cake and eat it too. I missed my guy for so long - he meant so much to me before and even more so now. I don't have a lot of friends and he is a great support as I go through this. But I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to resent him, nor do I want him to resent me.

 

Good luck to you... and welcome to the forum!

Thank you for your thoughtful reply ratingsguy - you have some interesting insights from over there on the other side of the fence! I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting to hear by posting this, but you've certainly given me some direction. Thanks!

 

Carla

[digichick]

MoonGirl,

First I have to say that I read some of your past posts before I posted my own, and you and I have so much in common it's freaky. I admire you, where you are, and where you're going!

 

digichick,

 

Yes, there are ways to keep him in your life, but take things SLOW. Sure, have a great time with this guy, but you also need some time for yourself (as you already know).

Slow is the key word, and we definitely are going slow. There was a rush of emotions when true feelings were first admitted, but it's starting to feel more on an even keel now - more like the friendship I want/need and less like a torrid love affair (although there ARE those moments where affection gets desires going - we agree there's no hurry for sex - we can both appreciate the anticipation and won't go there until there is some level of commitment.)

 

We have also agreed to talk or hang out just once every 2 weeks. As hard as this is to do, it enforces my need to take things slow.

I really like this idea, and think it's exactly what I'll do. That way slow is defined in very specific terms. (Do text messages count? lol)

 

Step back and look at your situation from the outside. Hang out with your girlfriends a lot, read about relationships, do all of the things you need and want to do with your life.

This is what I have been doing, and loving every minute of it. I wonder when the so-called "grief" of divorce is going to come. (maybe this is what I went through the entire depressing year before I actually left? I don't know.) For me it's been nothing but heaven from the moment I left my ex. All the new possibilities are so exciting it makes me giddy at times.

 

There is really no need to make a lifelong commitment right now, is there? Listen, if this guy IS the one for you, he will give you the time and space you need to divorce, deal with your emotions, and be "single." Just make sure your communication with him is superb, and that he knows what your needs are. It sounds like he's more than willing to work with you.

 

Good luck!

No there's no need to make a lifelong commitment now. Like you, I told my guy there's no way I can commit to anything for at least a couple years. (That's one thing I LOVE about us - I've never been able to communicate as openly or honestly as I do with him.) And he's so loving and understanding about it I start to feel a little guilty. Kind of like I'm saying "Go ahead and love me if you want but don't expect anything in return." I worry that I'll somehow take advantage of his unconditional friendship and love, and he'll end up resenting me in the long run. My head and my heart are so at odds with each other it sucks. My head says to back off bigtime, but my heart says he's the one for me so why waste time being single? Ugh. He says he knows I'm the love of his life and will wait forever for me to feel the same. And that's tough! Because when I'm down, he's there for me with whatever I need - just a huge support in every way. And at those times especially, I think "Am I stupid for turning away from this?!"

 

I don't know. But I do like your idea of limiting contact to every 2 weeks - that's what I'm going to do. Thanks so much for your reply - it means alot!

 

Carla

[MoonGirl]

First I have to say that I read some of your past posts before I posted my own, and you and I have so much in common it's freaky. I admire you, where you are, and where you're going!

 

Thank you! LS has been such a huge help for me. I love the people here.

 

I really like this idea (meeting every 2 weeks), and think it's exactly what I'll do. That way slow is defined in very specific terms. (Do text messages count? lol)

Yes, it works for us. We also try not to call or text inbetween meetings. We already have the night picked out - every other Saturday. Sometimes it is hard to wait so long inbetween because he has been such a huge support for me, but I also know that I need time to be alone, and each day I am alone, I thoroughly enjoy myself. My friend and I also have a complicated past together (we dated for 2 years before I got married to my rebound - lol), and we have gobs of mutual friends. We would both like for my divorce to be final before we officially start anything up; we'd both like to preserve our dignity in the eyes of our families and friends. We both know what I've been through and have little respect for my marriage, but others may not view it the same way...

 

I wonder when the so-called "grief" of divorce is going to come. (maybe this is what I went through the entire depressing year before I actually left? I don't know.) For me it's been nothing but heaven from the moment I left my ex. All the new possibilities are so exciting it makes me giddy at times.

I feel the same way. I have never been happier in all my life. I love being without my husband, and I have only shed a couple of tears after he sent me a very nasty email outlining all of my downfalls and faults. I'm not sure why I even bothered to read it...but at least I know he is still the same nasty person and it just made me feel all the better that I am no longer with him. Other than that, I have not cried at all. Like you, I spent at least a year terribly depressed, trying to find the strength to leave. I also wonder if I used that time to let go... because now I feel free, happy, and giddy...just like you.

 

Because when I'm down, he's there for me with whatever I need - just a huge support in every way. And at those times especially, I think "Am I stupid for turning away from this?!"

I know how you feel, but I don't have any desire to date any men other than my friend (I'm not sure if you do). I just don't have the desire to remarry immediately. Fortunately, I don't think my friend is looking to marry me right now anyway. We have also been able to avoid having sex, which I (mostly) think is great. I think when the time comes (after my divorce is final), it will be all that more special.

 

You are not stupid for wanting some time to yourself. If your friend really, truly cares about you he will give you the time you need. True love is not fleeting and does not disappear overnight. I have had the same concerns about my "friend" loosing interest in me because of my situation and my need to have a lot of space...but he's been hanging in there for 5 months now. I doubt that any man would do without commitment and sex for so long unless he really cared deeply for me. Your friend has been single for 6 years now, and the 2 of you also share a long history together. If he really loves you, he will give you the space you need.

 

Thanks so much for your reply - it means alot!

You're welcome! Keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

[ratingsguy]

Digichick, I'm just curious... have you encouraged your man to go out and date like my MW did? On several occassions, she encouraged me to date saying that she wanted to be fair. And how would you feel if he actually did go out and date?

 

I'm also curious what you plan to do in this year or two that you need to yourself? Will you date? What if you fall in love with someone else? Just wondering...

 

Again, it's so nice to have your perspective because you're in an almost identical situation as my MW.

[NotUsuallyThisSad]

It's amazing how reading the posts of others here ring deep and true. I am waiting with baited breath to hear what you all think about dating other people.

 

I am also on the other side of the fence, and fell hard for someone who has been a year out of a divorce (after twelve years of marriage). I am reading what RatingsGuy went through, lordie. Nearly the same deal. And it is absolutely excrutiating! Have been hanging in there for two months since he said he needed to slow things down, and truly want to give this person all the time he needs to heal. I swear I'd wait forever.

 

The two-week rule seems like a good one -- but ack! It's so hard!

 

I have never posted here before, but have been reading here because I was sure that someone else MUST be on either one side of this situation or the other.

 

Digichick, know that if this man really cares for you, he'll give you the space you need and deserve. Please make sure though that you are telling this man that you really can see yourself being with him, but just not right now. And try to stick to it. i am getting a push-pull, hearing that he has a need for just one day at a time but also talking about the future. It makes it so confusing.

 

Back to the question at hand: how would you feel if he started dating other people, just to be fair?

[MoonGirl]

NotUsuallyThisSad,

 

I would be horrified if my friend started dating other people, and I have not encouraged him to date other women. But, unlike many other recently "single" people, I am not interested in dating around. I am taking things slow with him for many reasons 1. I need to complete my divorce 2. keep the repect of my friend, myself, mutual friends and family 3. help my children adjust to their new life without bringing in a new man right away 4. my friend's own personal problems that need to be dealt with.

 

I suppose the reason I don't feel the need to date other men is because I have always been in love with this man...for the past 10 years. We have the same friends, and we have a lot in common. We were separated by circumstances (distance), but never "got over" each other. I am dealing with a lot (divorce and adjustment of being alone, kids' needs), and he is dealing with a lot (fear of rejection, anxiety of committment based on being in a verbally abusive relationship with his ex gf, dealing with his ex gf - the mother of his child)....thus the 2 week "rule".

 

The two week "rule" is hard, but it sets clear expectations for us and helps avoid the push and pull that can happen when a person is experiencing a lot of change and shifting emotions in his or her life.

[digichick]

ratingsguy - Yes I DO encourage him to date - in fact I love to hear about his dating experiences (I am a very non-jealous type of person, which I realize is atypical). But he says he's done dating - there's no reason to because he found me. I tell him if he's so sure I'm "the one" then what will it hurt to date others? If I really am the one it should only make him that much more sure, right?

 

As for what I plan to do... yes I do plan to date. I love learning other people's perspectives and ideas and all that - I find people fascinating in general. In my marriage there was virtually NO social interaction with others, so I am greatly looking forward to it while single. I can also say I am not interested in or even hoping to fall in love... and I most definitely don't want to remarry anytime soon. If I DID think I was falling in love with someone else though, I would tell my guy and insist he move on. That's part of what I hate about this - knowing he's "waiting" for me when I don't know for sure I'll be there at the end. Ugh.

I really just want this time alone to learn about myself, how I relate to other people, what I want in life, etc. Although what I have with my guy right now feels amazing, how do I know those feelings are true, in other words how do I know what I'm feeling isn't being magnified and/or distorted by all the years of loneliness I've come through? It goes along the same premise as my answer to your first question... if he is "the one" for me, then dating others will prove it without a doubt.

 

NotUsuallyThisSad - I agree, it is comforting to read that others are going through the same/similar things. I'm glad I found this site!

And I am being completely honest with my guy about all this, but the push-pull is still there. Some days I want him to back off and let me breathe, other days I want him to hold me tight. Whether that's fair or not he knows it comes with the territory, and so far he has been very understanding. I really think implementing the 2-week rule will help tho - just like MoonGirl said.

 

MoonGirl - I so know what you mean about the nasty email making you feel even better for having left him. Funny how things my ex said just 6 months ago to hurt me now make me laugh - cuz the tables have turned and he get's to be the depressed and unhappy one, while I am free of it all!!

[ratingsguy]

Wow, you are truly in EXACTLY the same situation and state of mind my MW is in. It's almost as if you are her from the answers you're giving me.

 

Let me ask you this... I told my MW that we can't be friends for a few months and I asked that we don't contact each other until May. At all... no visits, phone calls, e-mails, text messages, etc. Our parting, while temporary, was very amicable, both of us understanding what the other needed. Do you think I did the right thing or am I pushing her away? When May rolls around do you think that we should move to maybe seeing or speaking to each other once every 2-3 weeks or so? I'd be really interested to hear your opinion of this. Thanks!

[digichick]

ratingsguy - Honestly, I think you did exactly the right thing. I sort of wish MY guy would do what you did because it would certainly take all the pressure off. (Even though HE doesn't pressure me - the pressure is there simply because I care about him.)

 

I think when May comes you'll need to re-evaluate the relationship based on who she has become and what she might have discovered about herself. If she's like me, she'll definitely go through LOTS of personal changes over the next few months, and everyone has their own time-table. Who knows, maybe she'll be ready for more then, maybe she won't. Maybe you will, maybe you won't.

 

All I know for sure is I'm not strong enough at this point to say no contact at all, that's why the 2 week rule is appealing to me. Three months from now... I can't possibly say how I'll feel about it!

 

Now you have me curious - ARE you dating other people as she suggested? If so, how's that going? And what will YOU do if you fall in love with someone else?

[ratingsguy]

Now you have me curious - ARE you dating other people as she suggested? If so, how's that going? And what will YOU do if you fall in love with someone else?

 

I'm on a dating website and have chatted with a few different people, but nothing all that serious. I do have a date Saturday night... but really for me, it's just an excuse to get out of the house. She seems nice, but probably not for me. We'll see.

 

My heart isn't fully into dating, but I'm doing it mainly to keep myself busy AND because I will be able to tell her that, yes I have dated the next time I see her. That will probably make my MW feel better (after all, that's what she asked for... she wanted to be fair). I think if anything, it will make me miss her more as opposed to less, as you aptly suggested.

 

I don't see myself falling in love anytime soon... it's way too early for something like that to happen... but you never know. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. For now I love her and miss her very deeply... but do feel better with the passing days.

[ratingsguy]

Hey digichick - are you still out there? I'd like to PM you if you're able to receive messages. Please let me know... thanks!

[MoonGirl]

How are you doing digichick?

[bones]

I ended up finding my husband simultaneous to ending a long term relationship. I hating the timing because it was so not what I wanted at the time. I was in the same place you are. I figured don't cut your nose off to spite your face! As long as you take your time and keep true to yourself and needs, you can handle the situation. I got married 18 months later. That was 12 years ago and my marriage is still great. I think doing a lot of self discovery while taking it slow is ok. Just don't accept any pressure to move any faster that you are willing.

[ratingsguy]

Where did digichick go?