lovelorcet Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Hi guys! So I am a little perplexed here and I thought it might me interesting to get some input. Just to sum things up about 1 year ago my wife and I separated after being together for 10 years (7 relationship, 3 marriage). I never really saw this coming and I was totally blind sided last year when this happened. Everything also seemed to go really fast as I went from thinking about kids and stuff like that and then within 4 weeks it was clear that she was going to go. She claimed she had met somone on the other side of the world (literally) 3 months prior at a business meeting (claims nothing physical happened) and then developed a EA over chat. I was of course very hurt by all this when she told me this but asked her not to go and to give us just six months to cool down and to spend some time trying to figure out what was going on with us. She said no, that she was no longer in love with me and felt she had to find out what this new person was all about. She found a new apartment quickly, moved out and I was left alone in a forigen country, with no family to put myself back together (thank god for good friends ;-) ) That all started in Jan 06 and my the end of March I had more or less put her in NC. There were a few financial points which caused contact (email) and we did meet for coffee in the summer twice. I also had a motorcycle accident at the end of summer, broke some bones ( concrete posts are pretty damn hard at 50km/H ;-) and she wanted to see me after I got out of the hospital. So in the last year we saw each other about 3-4 times. But at the end of summer I realized that when I would have contact with her I found it all pretty boring. So I decided to just ignore her. Since then I have not even responded to her repeated emails. She says things like she wants to hear how I am doing, wants to be friends... blah, blah, blah.... So I got an email from her on friday night at 9pm just a few days after V-day. She pretty much said: I hope it is just some dumb coincidence that you haven't responded to my mails over the last few months (including christmas) and that it would make her really happy if we could have more contact. Then blah, blah, blah she flat out said he has nothing better to do than sit at home during the week and watch tv so she joined a health club... and stuff like that. And then she finally ends the mail with something like, well now I have built up the courage to write you... been meaning to do it for a while now... I don't know why but I kept procrastinating about it... whatever that is supposed to mean. I never told her that I was just NC her, thought my silence would be loud enough. For whatever reason I kind of feel like since she wants to know why I am not contacting her I should do something, maybe explain why... But on the other hand I was dropped faster than I could spin my head, with no real explanation, no answers, nothing for closure. There will be unavoidable reasons for contact in the coming months... Taxes, divorce so on. We have not fought about anything involving the seperation and I hope for an easy divorce as I am the jaded one and have no ambition to fight. I dont know what to do now. I am not interested in any type of second chance with this woman. I have actually met someone else and am doing really well. Any input would be great, thanks...
Spinderella Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 It is always better to be honest with somebody rather than blank them. Only blank them after you have explained your stand. You know that the reason she keeps contacting is because she is unsure of your feelings about her as a person, as a friend perhaps. It doesnt matter if you think she already should know and that you are perfectly justified in not contacting her (which of course you are), because from her perspective, this is obviously not the case. If you want her to leave you alone, just say so. Tell her you have moved on with your life and dont feel you have anything in common anymore to talk about or any relationship with her. After that if she continues to contact you that is her problem.
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Wow LL you sound very strong. Good for you. I think you've done great even from the beginning. My take is she's beginning to wake up and now knows the grass isn't greener on the otherside. She's definately putting feelers out. If you are SURE its over, the marriage isn't salvagable and you want to move on with the new person in your life then I see no reason to have contact with her except through your divorce attorney. All I can say is be certain this is the course of action you want to take. You'd be surprised how many people don't know they are in a rebound relationship (not saying that's the case with you at all) until an EX comes sniffing around. Best of luck and stay strong.
Author lovelorcet Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Like I have already stated I was left with nothing and I just tried to graciously walk away as best I could. On the one hand I do not believe that it is my responsibility to offer her any type of explanation as to how I see her but on the other I do feel guilty letting her hang like this. I actually do have contact with her sister for example. We always got along well and she has seems to come by and visit for a weekend about every 1-2 months. We make it a point not to talk about the ex and as far as I can tell it works well. I am sure the two of them talk about me so it is not like my ex thinks I have dropped off the planet. I guess I just don't understand why she even wants to bother with me. It wasn't worth it to her to try and work anything out with me... why even bother then...
Spinderella Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 it could be any number of reasons. perhaps she was confused when she went off with the ea guy. you could always ask her why. one question though. if youre so over her, why do you even care why?
Author lovelorcet Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 I am not exactly sure why this bothers me actually... I think it is because I have accepted things the way they are and plan to go ahead with the divorce. I am a little worried that maybe she maybe having second thoughts and is trying to figure out a way of getting to me. I had been wondering if it would maybe be a good idea to just flat out ask her what her intentions are.
Spinderella Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 yes, i think there is no point in both of you guessing what the other one is up to. perhaps just ask her what she wants to talk about without accusing her of having intentions one way or another.
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Thought about asking what her intentions are as well but I am really not sure about that either. I think I would just be opening myself up for a kick in the balls if you know what I mean. I have accepted that she left and is gone, by asking something like that I almost am implying some kind of hope in the question and I don't want to do that. She is kind of a cowardly person so unless she felt like the waters were warm I don't think she would take the chance and explaining any honest intentions. But I think your suggestion is pretty good about just replying "What do you want to talk about." Any other suggestions?
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Another thing.... I know that I am spending a lot of time analyzing all this but all I really want to do is the right thing for me. The way she left was just awful and she knows it as well. I want to be able to walk away from this marriage with my dignity and remaining the good person I know I am. I don't want to have to look back 10 years from now and regret something big. I want to be able to feel like I did my absolute best in dealing with this whole situation.
lonelybird Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Then give both of you some time. When she contact you and talk, you would be able to ask her intention. you really need to talk with her. painful, but necessary. in case you regret.
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 I just don't see how I could ever trust this person again and therefore see no real way that a continued relationship could work. What I mean with regrets is I will have to interact with her in the coming months and remaining peaceful with each other saves a lot of stress and a lot of money. On the other hand if I offer a small amount of contact I run the risk of her trying to suck me back into my "old life" with her.
Ripples Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 What interaction do you need to have with her? Can't everything be done through your respective solicitors?
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 For example we will have to do taxes together in the next 2 months. We don't even need to meet to do it but with a few emails it could be taken care of. I think it would be unnecessary to have to spend the money to do something like that through a lawyer. I guess I see that things have been pretty peaceful and I hope that they stay that way. I am just worried that if we were to have more contact that we risk pissing each other off. But in the I guess that risk in unavoidable no matter what I do.
Spinderella Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 For example we will have to do taxes together in the next 2 months. We don't even need to meet to do it but with a few emails it could be taken care of. I think it would be unnecessary to have to spend the money to do something like that through a lawyer. I guess I see that things have been pretty peaceful and I hope that they stay that way. I am just worried that if we were to have more contact that we risk pissing each other off. But in the I guess that risk in unavoidable no matter what I do. if you always act with honesty and only when neccessary and without accusation then i dont see that you could piss anybody off and if you did it would be their stuff to deal with. i think in this case simply asking what do you want to talk about is ok. on the other hand perhaps you do not need to say anything at all, but, if you wish to discuss taxes with her personally then being calm and sticking only to what is neccessary and responding to her attempts at communication with that simple question is probably the best way. generally though people can only act in the best way they can see at the time, quite often in retrospect they may have wished to act differently but as long as you do what you see is best right now, then thats as much as you can ask of yourself.
Ripples Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 For example we will have to do taxes together in the next 2 months. We don't even need to meet to do it but with a few emails it could be taken care of. I think it would be unnecessary to have to spend the money to do something like that through a lawyer. I guess I see that things have been pretty peaceful and I hope that they stay that way. I am just worried that if we were to have more contact that we risk pissing each other off. But in the I guess that risk in unavoidable no matter what I do. In that case do it through the emails. Do you want to know that she's realised the error of her ways?
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 I am not sure if I really want to know this or not. I actually do see her as a good person and on a day to day basis we both agreed that we make a great team. We accomplished a lot in our relationship and I would have never married her if I didn't think the world of her. I just see her now as a generally good person who has made some bad decisions and a coward who would rather run away then to face a challenge in a relationship. Based on those actions and the lack of trust I don't see how getting back together could work. I have seen it like this for a long time now, pretty much since she moved out. So I guess it doesn't matter if she thinks she made a mistake or not. In the end I don't see how that will change my standpoint. I think I still find the whole thing just really sad because it didn't have to be like this but I feel like my hands are tied now...
Ripples Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I'm getting the impression that you'd like to have the right scenario to try again with her.
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 I think by the way she handled things she destroied any chance of that and maybe that is what I find sad.
Ripples Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Do you want to know for sure, that she's destroyed any chance of getting back together?
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 She dropped me so fast after 10 years I just don't see how I could ever trust her again and if I can't trust her how can I ever have a relationship with her.
Spinderella Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 She dropped me so fast after 10 years I just don't see how I could ever trust her again and if I can't trust her how can I ever have a relationship with her. so what youre really scared of is your own potential weakness with her, and all the talk of her being boring was just you trying to convince yourself? i know that one well!
Ripples Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 If you want her out of your life, you know you can do everything via email. You know that you can be civil with her without it leading to anything more. So, this is a non-issue. The real issue seems to be that you're not sure what you want from her. I'm getting the impression that you'd like her to be sorry enough and have changed enough to give you the option to consider trying again with her.
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 I'm getting the impression that you'd like her to be sorry enough and have changed enough to give you the option to consider trying again with her. I am not sure if I would like her to feel sorry or not... But if I were given the option to try again I would say no. I just do not want it to come to that. She made the decision to leave how she did and that is now her responsibility to carry. I don't want her coming back and trying to give me a second chance just so I can say no and she can walk away feeling like she at least "tried." In all honesty, that would piss me off I think...
Author lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Can you explain what you mean by what is non-issue?
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