Crazy Eddie Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 You are not seeing the big picture, all you are doing is coming here are trying to defend yourself. Dude! Your wife is sick, she most likely is suffering from a form of depression... Let me say that again... SHE IS SICK Now stop your bitching, get a maid to help reduce your wife's and your own stress. Get her into treatment. This is the mother of your children; what do you think is more important to them, a nest egg or a mommy who can take care of them. But is the mommy actually taking care of them properly? If not, it's better for them to have a daddy who can take care of them. And letting him have the kids full-time is bound to be better for her stress level. Now if she's willing to go into treatment, stick with it, and take her medicine every day without fail, she might have a chance of pulling out of it. If not, everyone will suffer, including those kids she insists on keeping a death-grip on.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I honestly think it is just lazy.....I am gettting alot of replies suggesting medication but a illness would fall over the whole spectrum. You give her something that is important to her and its done perfectly and quik. You give her something else...forget it. Actually you're wrong. About mental illness. People with mental illness can often complete tasks that they are interested in. That is, until the mental illness gets so severe because it goes untreated for long periods of time that the individual stops being able to complete even simple tasks. That is how my mental illness progressed. For a long time I was able to cope and even do well in some areas of my life, but as time went on everything fell apart. I was lucky that I didn't have any children to look after. Only after 5 long months of treatment am I getting back into the swing of things.
Sup Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 You know.....I kinda wish there was. So he could deal with all of this instead of me. But I do not think there is. I suggest that you install keyloggers, on both computers, just to be safe in that area, I mean, it's better to be safe than sorry and find out in about 10-20 years from now what has been going on. Do you have access to cell phone and home phone bills. All of these NEW clothes, NEVER worn, strange, I would check up on credit card receipts, even bank account statements, the moneys gotta be coming from SOMEWHERE! If there is/was an OM, he could be purchasing these things for her. Another thing, which can and is a sign of cheating, has she been dressing up like, well, sexy? As in sexy underwear, skimpy little skirts, low cut shirts, etc. you know, revealing stuff.
Sup Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 and heres the twist..... 2 weeks ago we ...I decided to heads towards divorce. I told her to pick out a new home (handed her the recent "for sale" listings) and told her to keep it under 150k. and it was hers...if she agreed (legally) to not persue my rental properties or the family home which I need to keep as my work location (large shop etc ideal for a business) . The rental etc were all purchased by me and she does not have $1.00 into them....nor any effort of course. She did a preg test and it was positive. ...kid #3 on its way. Call me careless but I was told she was on the pill. I was then told by her she was in between perscriptions and had not picked the new ones up yet. Also keep in mind we rarely have sex. In know....it only takes once.....but once is all it seems to take for me prob cuz I am usually loaded up pretty good since it is months between sex. She told me that it must be some sign for us to stay together now and that she would learn to love again etc. 2 weeks later and here I am at this forum and she is back to being Mrs lazy head. I am so screwed now. child support for 3 kids or live with her?? What would you choose? Counseling is a dead end. They get everything out, but have a hard time figuring how to get it all to work. How convenient, I suggest a DNA test on ALL of the children, this seems soooo DARN ODD to me.
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Have you considered talking to professionals about this online? I'm not talking about seeing a counselor in person but going on one of those free counseling message boards to see what professionals/other people think about this? Just to get a psychological view? I mean you have some of our views but it might help to get a professional view as well. Just a thought. The relationship can't stay like this. It won't work. I can't post sites on here but if you search around there is a good one. I mean you could hire a cook, a maid, a nanny, etc...but would that solve your personal realtionship with her? I think the intent for hiring of different domestic caregivers is to alleviate the flashpoint stress of the relationship so they are able to focus on their relationship and work on it. Having said that, I still believe she needs help. This is far beyond dysfunctional. Also jimm, I think Ipanca has a good suggestion of getting yourself some professional help. You're cycling right now through a vicious circle, making yourself more and more angry at her treatment of you and the your family.
Guest Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Jimm, No, not everything/everyone/every problem can be fixed. Why in the world did you "reward" your wife with a $200 Valentine's Day gift? Gee, I can see why she has no motivation to change. She is a lazy slob and her husband will still kiss her butt. Yecch.
MoonGirl Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 We have day care. and I only mentioned the million thing to bring up the fact that when she brought up divorce, she also mentioned taking 1/2 of everything and leaving me and taking the kids. She forgot to take into account how little would be left once things were split. My idea of the 150k thing was so the "family investments" would not be lost so that some day the kids could take over ownership. Her thoughts were that evrything would be sold and split 50/50. See....when equity is sold off for cash like in a divorce, there are alot of fees, taxes, penalties....its complicated. Basically, it becomes very expensive and in the end alot is lost and there is not much left. In a earlier post I mentioned that if it were as easy as hiring a maid or writing some other check I would....it is not that easy. 50/50 is the general rule no matter who put in all the work. If your wife was with you while you were building your business, then half of what you own is hers. As unfair as it sounds to you, the courts will not see things your way. There ARE a lot of fees, taxes, penalties and it IS complicated. There are ways around selling your properties. Pulling equity, offering spousal support instead of a lump payment, etc. A new baby too? What a complete mess. BTW, people with depression can often complete tasks that are interesting to them, but they can feel hopeless about life's normal daily tasks...please get your wife some help already! My husband used to tell me that depression is only for the weak, seeing a therapist was weak, taking meds was weak. I fell deeper and deeper into depression and got to a point where I didn't clean the house for 5 months! I finally sought therapy on my own and pulled myself out of the despair. Had my husband been willing to help me (or at least enabled me by not insulting the idea of seeking help), I would have gotten help much sooner. His lack of concern for my well being (along with MANY other issues) made me realize he didn't care all the much for me. I left him and have never been happier! If you care about your wife, get her some help!
Mz. Pixie Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I though of that and researched it. It would have to be selective ADD because when it comes to something for here like sorting Mary Kay inventory or completing scapbooking pages she gets it done...but at the cost of the house falling down around her. I disagree with this- many times people with ADD can concentrate on something that they are interested in. For instance, my stepson (who I'm almost positive has ADD) cannot sit at a dinner table still for more than 30 minutes (he's six) but he can sit down and work on a 150 piece puzzle and sit there until it's done.
stressedoutwife Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 you know, i need to be married to you!!!!! My husband is the same way your wife is, and I have asked around and asked around about how to deal with this sort of behavior!! Well I got some of the answers LET IT BE!! Quit cooking, cleaning, vacuumming, dusting and just let it be! Don't touch ANYTHING!! When you do laundry, DO YOURS AND THE KIDS don't do hers! It worked for me. I quit doing all the chores around the house and finally he would get embarrassed when someone came over and then would get aggrevated when HIS laundry wasn't done! So he found it easier to just do it himself! I hope it works for you! I know what you are feeling! Try to make it work for your kids if anything! good luck!
Author jimm Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 you know, i need to be married to you!!!!! My husband is the same way your wife is, and I have asked around and asked around about how to deal with this sort of behavior!! Well I got some of the answers LET IT BE!! Quit cooking, cleaning, vacuumming, dusting and just let it be! Don't touch ANYTHING!! When you do laundry, DO YOURS AND THE KIDS don't do hers! It worked for me. I quit doing all the chores around the house and finally he would get embarrassed when someone came over and then would get aggrevated when HIS laundry wasn't done! So he found it easier to just do it himself! I hope it works for you! I know what you are feeling! Try to make it work for your kids if anything! good luck! I agree but if I let it go the whole house falls apart. I cook just about everynight so therefore we dont eat etc. There are kids involved so I just cannot let things go long enough to let it all fall apart. I do not want to sound like some conceited guy that thinks he does it all but that is really how it is. There are some posts on here from women who have the (all to commmon) guy as the problem....sorry this is not the fact here. My wife had the kind of parents that buttered her toast for her evey morning until she was 18 and I am stuck with someone with no idea how to raise a family or take care of a home. I am responsible and work hard everyday...I just want someone who will do the same. Alot of replied are based on paying for some outside help to have someone come in and do her share of the work and have me pay fore it...screw that...as far as I am concerned she can live somewhere else in her own unorganized crap hole with mac and cheese for supper every night. As far as the kids go.....I dont know. The courts will often have the opinion as many of the posters on this forum whereas the guy is always the fault. I guess it will fall as it will. I have decided to go my own seperate way and persue life as I see fit. Life is too short to live it a miserably as this....time to move on.
justpassingthrough Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 As far as the kids go.....I dont know. The courts will often have the opinion as many of the posters on this forum whereas the guy is always the fault. I guess it will fall as it will. Jimm, you said you're in Iowa, right? Newsflash: It's not always the man's fault in Iowa. I recently saw a news story that said if a judge doesn't give custody to the dad it has to happen with a witten opinion which explains why. I have decided to go my own seperate way and persue life as I see fit. Life is too short to live it a miserably as this....time to move on. Best of luck to you. My suggestion is to take the children with.
Guest Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 i was going to suggest have you told her how it makes you feel when the house is a mess? Don't put it in 'you're such a lazy slob' put it in 'i' terms.. 'when you do this (or don't) it makes me and my house feel undervalued and like you don't care about me and children'.. or whatever. Also you mentioned that if you do try to help she says you are doing it the wrong way. Why not say to her, 'look I really want to do things the way you like can you show me how you would prefer it to be done.' Then at least it is acknowledging the work she is doing. And KEEP doing this, until she shows you and then ask a couple more times saying 'i just want to get this correct' And why can't you do things together, washing, laundry etc? Why can't you divide up your time at the weekend and say have 2 hours in which you both do your own stuff - like scrap book or whatever, plus 4 hours where you clean the house - why not involve the kids, I always had to keep my room clean. Plan the weekend out a bit and tell her HOW important it is to you that you as a family spend time together and that you feel like you never get to do that because there are always chores to be done. And if you had a plan that you could get everything done and the house would be clean and you would feel more comfortable and she would have space to concentrate on stuff she wants to do. I would go back to the counselor - its worth another try right?
IpAncA Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I agree but if I let it go the whole house falls apart. I cook just about everynight so therefore we dont eat etc. There are kids involved so I just cannot let things go long enough to let it all fall apart. I do not want to sound like some conceited guy that thinks he does it all but that is really how it is. There are some posts on here from women who have the (all to commmon) guy as the problem....sorry this is not the fact here. My wife had the kind of parents that buttered her toast for her evey morning until she was 18 and I am stuck with someone with no idea how to raise a family or take care of a home. I am responsible and work hard everyday...I just want someone who will do the same. Alot of replied are based on paying for some outside help to have someone come in and do her share of the work and have me pay fore it...screw that...as far as I am concerned she can live somewhere else in her own unorganized crap hole with mac and cheese for supper every night. As far as the kids go.....I dont know. The courts will often have the opinion as many of the posters on this forum whereas the guy is always the fault. I guess it will fall as it will. I have decided to go my own seperate way and persue life as I see fit. Life is too short to live it a miserably as this....time to move on. Oh so you got stuck with someone who never had to take responsiblity for anything and always had someone else take care of them. But yet she wasn't like this when you met her, hmmmm.... So what are you going to do?
Guest Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 This sounds exactly like what i just posted call "Pulling Her Weight". That is my wife to the T but SHE DOES NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
onlyone25 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I'm sorry if possibly this was mentioned before, as i did not read the entire thread, but... Has your wife ever been checked for depression and/or adult ADD??? It seems to me her lack of concentration and not being able to focus on any one task long enough to finish it possibly warrants a trip to the doctor. Depression can play he!! on your life; believe me I know! Just a suggestion... good luck to you.
Guest Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I am sorry I can't help you, but I am so thankful to have found this this thread. Your situation is EXACTLY like mine. I have been so frustrated and have felt as if no one understands what I am going through. Somehow it feels better knowing I'm not the only one. I have tried to get counseling but my wife refuses. She says she is perfectly happy and if I am not happy then it is my fault for being too sensitive. Oh and for those who say just stopping doing things, it only works for a while then I get yelled at...at yelled at....and yelled at - to the point where it is easier just to clean up after her, keep cooking for her, and basically doing as I am told. I really do love her, but she seems to have zero respect for me. JIMM - you are NOT alone. Hopefully we'll both get something from your thread.
Guest Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 In reading your description of your wife, I see an image in my mind of a woman who is not whole herself and is therefore unable to function at the level you desire. It could be that she doesn't feel "known", "seen" or "understood." I see being lost for hours on pictures, scrapbooking and Mary Kay inventory as symbols of her unmet need for identity or self-expression. Perhaps she wants with all of her heart to be all that you want her to be and all that her children need her to be, which is why she isn't able to tell you the truth about that empty hole inside her heart. She doesn't want to disappoint and is trying to be what she feels she should be. But something is missing for her, something is empty and perhaps something else is inside that yearns to get out but for whatever reason she doesn't have permission, yours, her own, or whosever. Just love her for a while, like you would coax out a scared person from a hiding place. I think she's hiding, and hurting in silent pain and can't figure out what to do, so help her. Of course, you can't allow your children to be in danger from her problems, which is why hiring someone or finding some way to take up the slack for a while is a very good idea. But don't make her feel bad about it. I hope I am not overlooking your needs. I just believe when someone is in her state, they need to find a way to come to terms with it. Further growling or resentment, while completely normal and understandable on your part, will only prolong or make this worse. In the end, if this helps, you get your wife back. If not, there was likely nothing anyone could do to reach her. She is off on an island, unreachable, even though you can see her in the room. Make being there with you inviting, safe and comfortable, loving her no matter who she is. That is the essence of love, really, anyway. And remember, if a woman feels "unseen" she cannot easily share her body. Sex is very lonely when you feel that it is only your body doing it. Women need the one inside to be loved, accepted and made love to. I hope this helps. I am also not saying you did anything wrong. You sound like a really great husband. It could just be something inside of her, whether it's post-partum depression, regular depression, or some internal crisis she is suffering through. Just try it if you can...... Good luck to you and your family.
Guest Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 If I were you, I would start catalouging and scrapbooking everything. Gather as much evidence as you can. See a counselor alone if it comes to that. Do anything that puts you in a bright shining light legally. Otherwise, you will wish that you had.
Dadaal Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Why waste your time and energy? you've tried all possible means and yet there is no way out - get over with it -find someone else. Life is too short and one should not spend much time on thinking.
Virgo1982 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 How weird that a bunch of people have pointed out something to you but you refuse to see it. It's all in HOW you say it. Haven't you ever heard of diplomacy? There are a million ways to phrase something, and some of the will work like a charm. Others will fall flat. It's up to you to use your noggin to figure out how best to win friends and influence people. I wouldn't care how I spoke to her. She can be as lazy as she wants to about housework, but when it comes to the children...I have some things I'd like to say, but I respect the fact that she is your wife, but her lack of concern for the welfare of your children is very disturbing.
Author jimm Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 not much has changed recently. I brought up the housekeeper idea mentioned by some of the replies in this forum and she does not want someone "in the house going through her things" I offer nanny services and she said "we have daycare...nannies are for super rich people" Everyone suggests taking the load off of her but I get the same type of response from offering help from the outside. Basically, she does not want someone coming in messing with the house stuff in any way, shape, or form. She has been off for spring break "she's a teacher" and the house is up side down"....toys....clothes....dishes...crap. I hate it in there and even if I hired someone the bill to clean it would be expensive and pointless cuz she would just trash it again. I really do not think there is a solution to this.
capri Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 The sleep issue was always there, even b4 the kids. She just thinks she needs to nap. My body would also want a nap if I let it...we all would. I mentioned that of she trained her body not to do it, it would not want to or feel the need. Hi, jimm, I feel for you. I feel like I'm dealing with similar things, for instance H and I both making promises to each other in front of the counselor, and only I keep my end of the deal. It's incredibly frustrating. As to the sleep thing, there are medical conditions which may be causing her exhaustion-- low blood pressure, chronic fatigue syndrome, mono, depression, and thyroid problems, just for starters.
justpassingthrough Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I really do not think there is a solution to this. Sure there is. Accept that you and your children do not have to live in a pig pen and do something about it. Stop talking. Start taking action. I brought up the housekeeper idea mentioned by some of the replies in this forum and she does not want someone "in the house going through her things" And what was your response to that? "Yes, dear." Basically, she does not want someone coming in messing with the house stuff in any way, shape, or form. Do you suppose that's because it doesn't bother her as it does you? I hate it in there and even if I hired someone the bill to clean it would be expensive and pointless cuz she would just trash it again. Then pay someone to come in and clean it again. And again. And again. Until she understands that unless someone cleans the house for free (that being the two of you), someone is going to get paid to do it. And when money comes out of the household budget to pay for something that could - and should - be costless, there isn't money for other things. Vacation? Sorry, can't afford it with the housekeeping bill. New car? Nope. Not until there's no need to pay someone to clean anymore. Dinner out? Bad news, you just paid the housekeeper and there's no money for that. She wants that new outfit? Only if you don't have to pay the housekeeper this week. If she doesn't want someone "going through her things" then she should probably PUT THEM AWAY before the housekeeper arrives. Then she won't have that problem. If and when she learns to keep putting "her things" away, the need for someone to come in from the outside will go away. Action. The only way this is going to change is if you take action.
Sevenmack Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Justpassingthrough is right. Jimm has to take action if he wants his wife to change. Hire the housekeeper and pay for it out of the joint funds; you're both paying for it anyway. Put a clampdown on any other spending; you can't afford a housekeeper and new stuff or a vacation. And if she doesn't get the message, get her family involved and have some sort of intervention. Simply put, she needs to realize that living in a pig stye isn't acceptable to you or the rest of the family. She needs to realize that while, yes, helping out with the cleaning chores is hard, it can't just be you cleaning. Some things, such as cooking or washing clothes, can be the domain of one person, especially if one does it better than the other. But cleaning a house when you have children? That won't wash. There's too many bodies, clothes and junk for the job to be left to you alone. And if she doesn't get that, you can take the final step: Walking out with the kids.
Guest Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I agree with sevenmack and justpassingthrough, Jimm, You have to step in and take over and bring in a house cleaner. Take it out of the house funds and don't listen to her complain, walk away until she is ready to talk about not paying for this. If she just messes it up do it again until she realizes that this is not acceptable an way to live. It may cost you a little for a while but it will be worth it in th end. Eventually the house will not be cluttered but put away (with junk). Then your problem will be discarding of items that have not been seen or used in over a year. good Luck,
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