IThinkIllGoToBoston Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 okay, to try to keep this as short as possible.. started dating bf in high school he's a year older i'm 24 dated 5.5 years had some ups and downs, nothing too major, just because we were trying to do the college life thing at different colleges but still only about 40 minutes apart, saw each other often both on track to futures with the same kind of lifestyle (both in graduate school in health care fields) same values, understandings... very VERY close with each others families always talked about marriage eventually then... we started becoming not as close during fall quarter, both very busy with school (at the same university in our home town now), stressed out. I thought it was because we were just busy. things finally came to a head at the end of november, something just wasn't right. I brought up breaking up, to my surprise, he agreed, but promised there was no one else, but that "things just weren't the same," maybe we just needed some time apart, but he "still loves me," and "if we were meant to be....." I found out the next week that there was someone else. He had been talking and hanging out with another girl since September (when things started getting weird). 2 weeks after we broke up, he was officially dating this new girl. within 1 month they were telling each other that they love each other they've been together 2 months now. whenever he is not at class, he is at her apartment. literally. every free second of every day, they are together, and act obsessed with each other. she is my polar opposite, and the opposite of everything he has ever said he'd want in a girlfriend (at least in the physical appearance, social life and education/ambition departments, i know nothing about her other than that) he isn't spending hardly any time on school, is behind in deadlines, and that just isn't like him... he hasn't seen his friends since they started dating, when they used to get together at least once a week to watch sports, etc. (I know all of this from other people) I talked to his brother today, who said that they all miss me, his parents are wondering about me all the time, they are sad too, they haven't met the new girlfriend, he hasn't told them anything about it and won't talk about it, and is never ever ever home (he lives with his parents right now), because he is always over at her place. ....what is going on? Is she a rebound? How can he fall into such intense love with someone else so quickly? Why is he acting like a totally different person? I feel like all of my plans for my future are just empty or erased... don't know what to do, or what to think....
Cossette4 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Ok, I remember you telling me in another post that your situation was really similar to mine, and now that you write it down, WOW, it's truly freaking me out how similar it is! It's like the LoveShack version of The Parent Trap. "My boyfriend of 5 years totally found someone else the total opposite of me within a week of our breakup and I have no idea what's going on." "But wait...MY boyfriend of 5 years totally found someone else the total opposite of me within a week of our breakup and I have no idea what's going on." "Then that means...we are like breakup twins!" (I really hope you are aware of the plot of The Parent Trap or else what I just wrote looks a tad psychotic. ) Anyway, you have someone on this forum who is going through basically the EXACT same thing you are going through. In fact, I've been going through it for 7 months. started dating bf in high school--Me too, sophomore year. he's a year older--Yep. i'm 24--Ok, I'm 23...but still. dated 5.5 years--We dated 5 years and 4 months... had some ups and downs, nothing too major, just because we were trying to do the college life thing at different colleges but still only about 40 minutes apart, saw each other often--Same here, no real drama, 2 hours apart...saw each other on the weekends. both on track to futures with the same kind of lifestyle (both in graduate school in health care fields)--Ok here is the ONE thing where we differ, because this was the source of virtually all of our fights. He failed pretty much all of his classes until he just quit going, but then led me and his family and friends to believe he was still going to graduate, transfer, something....Then it finally comes out that his life plan is to basically wake up and breathe, which was not cool with me because I find it attractive when people actually have goals (Maybe that's just me?) same values, understandings... very VERY close with each others families always talked about marriage eventually--Same here (with the exception of the value of an education)...but yes, same religion, same political views, same beliefs in what was right/wrong/funny/etc. Two weeks before he broke up with me he was talking about what our wedding would be like, and for the past year he had been so giddy, telling me "Oh I finally figured out how I'm going to prepose to you...you'll love it." then... we started becoming not as close during fall quarter, both very busy with school (at the same university in our home town now), stressed out. I thought it was because we were just busy.--We started fighting more and I just felt annoyed with him the last few months before the break-up. things finally came to a head at the end of november, something just wasn't right. I brought up breaking up, to my surprise, he agreed, but promised there was no one else, but that "things just weren't the same," maybe we just needed some time apart, but he "still loves me," and "if we were meant to be....."--In my case, he came to visit me when I was away for the summer in NYC, then two weeks later OVER THE PHONE he tells me he doesn't think it's going to work out, and uses the fact that we are fighting all the time as the reason, claiming there was no one else. Now, rationally, that sort of made sense b/c we were fighting, but the fact that he dropped this bomb on me over the phone when I was on the other side of the country wasn't exactly cool so I totally freaked out because, seriously, WTF. I found out the next week that there was someone else. He had been talking and hanging out with another girl since September (when things started getting weird).--I found out the next month when I got back from NYC that he had been seeing someone for the past 3 weeks (so yes...within a week he was with this new girl.) And he apparently knew her for three months from work. 2 weeks after we broke up, he was officially dating this new girl. within 1 month they were telling each other that they love each other they've been together 2 months now.--a week later, they declare they are "together" and get this--a week after that, he decides to move into her apartment with her. whenever he is not at class, he is at her apartment. literally. every free second of every day, they are together, and act obsessed with each other.--Whenever my ex isn't at his dead-end job, he is at her apartment, because, hey, now it's his apartment, too! And he no longer has any friends to hang out with because most of our mutual friends have disowned him. The few times we did speak after the breakup, he said, "Sorry. She makes me happy. She is my priority now." She has a MySpace and she recently created a MySpace for him and she writes "I love you sexy" to him. And then she posted a PROFESSIONAL PHOTO they got taken over Christmas, and her caption is, "Isn't your girlfriend hot?" Yeah, needless to say I don't check their MySpaces anymore or I would probably die from choking on my own vomit. she is my polar opposite, and the opposite of everything he has ever said he'd want in a girlfriend (at least in the physical appearance, social life and education/ambition departments, i know nothing about her other than that)--Wait til you hear this one....I was the valedictorian of my hs class; she's a hs dropout. I am Catholic and quite conservative when it comes to sexual stuff; she's bisexual and has a website where she posts naked pictures of herself wrapped in duct-tape and bubble wrap. I have long, blonde hair; she has about 7 different streaked colors of hair that's cut like a boy's hair in the back with weird longer pieces in the front. He didn't live with me; she lets him move in after two weeks. I waited until I was like, 16 to get my ears pierced; her MySpace states she has 10 piercings and 3 tattoos. I can't think of a person more opposite than this girl is to me, and it baffles me that my ex wanted a girl like me for 5 years and now wants to be with THIS. he isn't spending hardly any time on school, is behind in deadlines, and that just isn't like him... he hasn't seen his friends since they started dating, when they used to get together at least once a week to watch sports, etc. (I know all of this from other people)--My ex hasn't spoken to his best friend in over 5 months after his best friend told him he thinks his new girlfriend is a skank and called him a douchebag for the way he treated me. My ex also used to love ultimate frisbee and would be at the games every week---hasn't shown up in the last 6 months. I talked to his brother today, who said that they all miss me, his parents are wondering about me all the time, they are sad too, they haven't met the new girlfriend, he hasn't told them anything about it and won't talk about it, and is never ever ever home (he lives with his parents right now), because he is always over at her place.--I would LOVE to know what my ex's family thinks of him and his new relationship. We weren't ridiculously close so it really wasn't my place to contact them after the breakup, but I bet his mother would die if she knew who he was sleeping next to, and his brothers would have a good laugh. ....what is going on? Is she a rebound? How can he fall into such intense love with someone else so quickly? Why is he acting like a totally different person?--I wish I could tell you I had an answer, but I've been struggling with this question for the last 7 months. I did, however, find extensive evidence on rebounds and it's pretty creepy. People who are rebounding can't handle the pain from a breakup so they fall into the arms of "whatever" is there, and it's often a person who is totally not up to par with their normal dating standards, and is usually the total opposite of the ex they are trying to get over. The rebounder will claim to be in love and act like everything is great, but these relationships usually don't last b/c the other person is simply filling a void for the rebounder as he/she attempts to get over the loss of a significant love. Once he/she does that, the "new" person doesn't look so great anymore. That being said, I can't know for sure that's what's going on--the total opposite side of the spectrum is he planned on leaving me for her all along... I feel like all of my plans for my future are just empty or erased... don't know what to do, or what to think....--So did I for the first few months, but I'm learning that I will be okay no matter what he's doing, and my life cannot be put on hold while I try to figure him out.
LosingIt Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I think guys do this when they don't have enough experience to know what they want. How good is good? Is there something out there that could be better? How do you know? Stick with older guys that know what they want if you're looking for a relationship.
Cossette4 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Boston, I forgot to ask--- What's your "contact" situation been like with him since the breakup?? During that month when I was in NYC, my ex refused to answer any of my phone calls, and then finally when I got back and discovered the "new girlfriend" and decided we REALLY needed to talk, his friends basically forced him to meet with me. Then about a month later he called me one night to "apologize more" (however, I'm almost positive it was another thing his friends FORCED him to do b/c it was totally devoid of meaning), and then one night a little later I had a total moment of weakness and called him crying, but since then NC (which is at 5 months now).
Author IThinkIllGoToBoston Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Cossette - out the door, but would love to chat about this... not ignoring your post, but will be back online and get back to you later tonight! :-)
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I think he still does love you, but has changed. Love in the teens is different than in the 20's. He probably wants to gain other experiences. You've done nothing wrong so don't blame yourself. People change, grow apart and it sounds like that is what has happened here.
Icantletgo Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 OmG. I just went through the same thing. Going out for almost 3 years....broke up in july, got back together in october, broke up again in january. found out they had been dating/hanging out since september. now he says he is in love with her. I was the first girl he ever ever loved and now he loves her. I don't know what to do. I love him and I was willing to marry him...(although i am only 24) but I guess my love wasn't good enough. And yea...She is my complete opposite. She has fake nails, dyed hair, fake contacts...and I'm just your jean wearing girl next door. Even though he treated me like ****..I miss him terribly. I hope you are doing better.
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