jmargel Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 We changed subjects and later went to bed. Don’t you think he is the selfish and controlling one here? Nope, actually I think YOU are the controlling one. Taking him to a strip club and throwing him a bone by saying 'Oh, I might get a lap dance from this chick for you since it makes you happy', then an hour later say 'Nope, sorry babe!'. It's like give a dog a bone and taking it away from him. What is wrong with you? Are you intentionally trying to lead him into the arms of another chick? You dont' want sex with him then on top of it you purposely tease him such as with stuff at the strip club. You really have control issues and unless you stop playing these games and start addressing YOUR issues then you will eventually lose him. I can guarantee it. You posing with and kissing male models, taking him to strip clubs and just teasing him, not having sex with him.. If you don't do something now about this, in 6 months you'll be crying on here that he's left you for someone else. Stop treating him like an animal already.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 . Don’t you think he is the selfish and controlling one here? He could have had his own lap dance but he didn’t. He wanted me to get one to satisfy his sexual fantasies. Actually, I don't think it's terrible AT ALL to refuse being touched intimately just so your husband can get his jollies watching. This is a good line to draw because it disrupts emotional intimacy. Fulfilling sexual fantasies should NOT come at the expense of your partner. Clearly some of the more kinky stuff he wants is making you uncomfortable. This isn't a request to share emotional/physical intimacy. It's treating you like an entertainment center. (!!!!) I'd be avoiding sex too if my husband was involved in these kind of "share her" fantasies and then getting pissed at me because I didn't want to act them out. It's creepy. Hell, on second thought...I wouldn't just be avoiding sex... I'd be avoiding him altogether, and permanently too. You two need to have a SERIOUS talk about what's appropriate and comfortable and what isn't. You'll never be on the "same page" unless you sit down and hash it out. If his idea of sexuality leaves you feeling used, you're not going to be able to develop the emotional intimacy you need in order to keep the marital bond healthy.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Taking him to a strip club and throwing him a bone by saying 'Oh, I might get a lap dance from this chick for you since it makes you happy', then an hour later say 'Nope, sorry babe!'. It's like give a dog a bone and taking it away from him. I agree with JMargel's about that, btw. You should have better boundaries and not be wishy-washy about what you're comfortable with sexually. You shouldn't have led your husband on to think that a stripper in your lap was okay, when clearly it wasn't. You know, it's possible that ALOT of this avoidance might be caused by resentments. I'm wondering if the idea that your husband is willing to share you out with others isn't impeding your ability to be close with him. Heck, I can't think of ANY woman who'd be feeling really "special" about that. If he treats the sexual function as nothing special, just another f*ck... then it's no wonder if you're having a hard time wrapping your mind around it as having any kind of emotional meaning to him. Male compartmentalization aside... this guy needs to make up his mind if he wants a sexual relationship with YOU or if he just wants to get his jollies. If it's the latter, find him a nice, clean prostitute and tell him to go nuts. It'd be about the same as what he's asking YOU to do.
sexlessmary111 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I am going through similar sexless problems with my husband. He is Mr. Dull in the sack. Not willing to try anything new and it really is destroying our marriage. After 6 years I am bored to death with our sex lifeI come here to see what others are going through and I came across this poster I just had to write in on this one because you are making me so angry. You have to be the most selfish women on this forum. It sounds like you have a man who loves you. He is making it clear he is doing things he could care less about just for you like gambling. Trivial yes but still, he is a man. In his mind, doing that is his equal to you getting a lap dance for him, can’t you see that? I am sure he would rather be golfing or something yet he sits with you and you can’t return the favor for five minutes with a lap dance. What kind of selfish crap is this? You obviously have no problem with a lap dance because you did them before so don’t go getting mad at him for wanting to enjoy one again. Do you know how many women would kill to have a husband like yours? Don’t you see you have the best of both worlds? You can have you cake and eat it too. This husband is showing you love at its greatest extent. Remember the saying if you love something let it go? He is showing more love for you in letting you F**k another guy than most husbands do by being jealous. I don’t want to have sex with another man but it would sure be fun to dance with a cute guy every now and then. I can tell you how many of my girlfriends and I wish their husbands lusted for us like when we first met them. Funny isn’t it? You have a husband like that and you complain. I bet if you leave him you will miss the attention. I think you need to start giving in as much as he has. He has done it your way for 12 years now, that is his way of saying he loves you regardless of sex. Many men would have left you by now. Can’t you give the next 12 years to doing it his way or at least a few times a week? You must have some issues. Didn’t your parents ever show affection at home or something? What is it about fun sex you and my husband don’t like? Why must it be so infrequent and done in such a boring way? I have read many books by licensed marriage counselors and in so many cases they advise couples to spice up their sex lives with dressing up and sex games and yes, sometimes other partners. I wish my husband would let me dress sexy or photograph me nude but he would be outraged. I have a nice body and want to enjoy this while I am young but if I even suggest it I know it will lead to a fight. How I envy your marriage. It could be so fun. does this guy beat you? Abuse you menatlly? verbally? Just what is your problem?
Author mrschitwnsinger Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 You made me think about if I resent his sexual freakiness. I would have to say no. it’s not like that at all for me. From all the non-sexual things he does in our marriage I know he truly loves me. I can’t begin to tell you how many times he makes me feel love just by listening to me talk about girly stuff or holding my hand when we are out to dinner. So I can comfortably say he does not make me feel like a sex object. I don’t resent him for his desires. He is a man. I expect it. When we were just dating I used to dress up in sexy clothes and attack him just for the fun of it. I would have sex in public places and do things that were kinky by some people standards. But I was younger then. I have matured and this is part of the past now. It does nothing for me anymore. I love him, I enjoy sex with him but I am not a kid anymore. I have grown out of this kind of thing and his drive has increased. I thought about the posts here and I asked him about why he wants sex so much. Can’t we just make love and be done with it? He tells me I really don’t get it. He isn’t unhappy with our love life; his reply was more like “I miss being lusted for like when you met me. I want love and lust from you. I guess you think that is wrong “ That comment is making me see his definition of how sex in marriage is. Lust is a part of his needs and it just doesn’t seem to be mine. I don’t lust for him like that anymore. It is obvious he wants it all. jmargel Thanks, you make a lot of good points about “Men" Mrlucky I can see the reason you would say mixed signals. I guess I never see it being in the middle of it. Thanks Also, I got a private email asking if he drinks and the answer is no. he got drunk on Superbowl and I cant remember the last time before that. he will have a shot and a beer when we go out and thats about it. At home a six pack lasts a month. sexless mary You sound angry but you are making your points. He does not abuse me in any way. My friends say he treats me too nice. He does not raise his voice or yell. as for my parents, no, they never showed much affection at home. You ask what is my problem, I don't feel I have a problem. I am fine, it is him who is unhappy sexually. I would be fine if he would just calm down to my way of sex.
Crazy Eddie Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 You made me think about if I resent his sexual freakiness. I would have to say no. it’s not like that at all for me. From all the non-sexual things he does in our marriage I know he truly loves me. I can’t begin to tell you how many times he makes me feel love just by listening to me talk about girly stuff or holding my hand when we are out to dinner. So I can comfortably say he does not make me feel like a sex object. I don’t resent him for his desires. He is a man. I expect it. When we were just dating I used to dress up in sexy clothes and attack him just for the fun of it. I would have sex in public places and do things that were kinky by some people standards. But I was younger then. I have matured and this is part of the past now. It does nothing for me anymore. I love him, I enjoy sex with him but I am not a kid anymore. I have grown out of this kind of thing and his drive has increased. I thought about the posts here and I asked him about why he wants sex so much. Can’t we just make love and be done with it? He tells me I really don’t get it. He isn’t unhappy with our love life; his reply was more like “I miss being lusted for like when you met me. I want love and lust from you. I guess you think that is wrong “ Lust isn't just for teenagers. Growing up doesn't mean "outgrowing" sexual desire. Who told you that "grown-ups" didn't do naughty things like that? They lied through their teeth. Sorry. Not lusting after anyone at all is a medical problem. Not lusting after him but lusting after others is a problem with your relationship and your marriage. None of this is in any way normal or healthy. You sound angry but you are making your points. He does not abuse me in any way. My friends say he treats me too nice. He does not raise his voice or yell. as for my parents, no, they never showed much affection at home. You ask what is my problem, I don't feel I have a problem. I am fine, it is him who is unhappy sexually. I would be fine if he would just calm down to my way of sex. Do you think he treats you too nicely? Do you view him more as a friend than as a man and a lover? You are not fine. If you were fine, you would lust after your husband sexually more than once a month. That is what healthy people in happy marriages do.
bazcam Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 [quote= You ask what is my problem, I don't feel I have a problem. I am fine, it is him who is unhappy sexually. I would be fine if he would just calm down to my way of sex. That statement makes you sound like you think he is choosing to want sex every day. It's not a choice, it's his sexual nature and nothing is going to change that. He will not be happy as long as you keep denying him, he will feel unloved. He cannot "choose" to match your sex drive. I left my ex because she repeatedly rejected my advances (I left her a month before we were due to get married). She would only have sex with me about once every two months. This made me very unhappy and made me feel like my girlfriend was just my flatmate rather than someone who loved me. I am now with someone who has a slightly higher sex drive than mine, and she makes me truly happy.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Lets see. Your husband is still attractive, is in a band (fairly youthful still), knows how to get a woman off, and has a high sex drive. And, he has a wife who only sleeps with him a few times a year. There are plenty of OW out there who will give your husband sex several times a day, every day - all that needs to happen is one of them hitting him at a vulnerable moment. As soon as your husband starts getting sexual and intimate attention from another woman, you better believe he is going to consider it. There is another message board out there specifically for OW and it is full of stories just like this one, and the sex these OW give the MM is outrageous - we are talking frequent, kinky, and overboard. Sexcations, toys, kinks, fantasies, marathon sex sessions, crazy amounts of blow jobs, etc. These women let the MM know that they love sex with him, they want sex with him, and they respond sexually to him quite readily. Overcompensation from the lack of sex the husband is getting at home, I expect. Just be prepared for it, is all I'm saying. Honestly, how would it affect you if your husband decided to get his sexual needs met elsewhere since you are not going to meet them in your marriage?
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Lucreziaborgia wrote: "Honestly, how would it affect you if your husband decided to get his sexual needs met elsewhere since you are not going to meet them in your marriage?" Mrschitwnsinger would be mad as hell about it, but not because he's sleeping around on her. It's about control: She uses sex as a way to keep him under her thumb and improve upon her own woefully lacking self-esteem. She uses sex to remind him of whatever alleged hurt or pain he supposedly wrought upon her. She uses sex to keep him frustrated with himself and bring havoc onto his self-esteem. And she gets off on it: She's a sexual sadist no different than the spousal abuser who beats his wife or the dominitrix who whips and shackles willing male victims. The difference between her and the former is that the abuse can batter and ultimately kill while her's just merely kills a man's soul. In contrast to the dominitrix, who only does this under the direction of her partners, discusses their needs, forms safe words and the like to create a healthy relationship of truly equal partners, she offers no cues in order to form equality. She wants control, plain and simple. If mrschitwnsinger's husband cheated on her, she would lose control over him; he'd be satisfied and alive while she'd have no source from which she can boost her worthless ego. Even if she divorced him, denied him custody of the kids and took him to the cleaners, she wouldn't have any more power over him; he'd be willing to give up plenty just to get a satisfying life. And satisfaction is more valuable than keeping a house and the kids, especially if it means keeping a partner with control issues. While there are two sides to every story and mrschitwnsinger's husband is also at fault for what has happened in the marriage, this is one of the few times in which I actively hope that he does cheat on her and do it often. It might actually force her to deal rationally with these problems instead of rationalizing the irrational.
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Lucreziaborgia writes: There is another message board out there specifically for OW and it is full of stories just like this one, and the sex these OW give the MM is outrageous - we are talking frequent, kinky, and overboard. Sexcations, toys, kinks, fantasies, marathon sex sessions, crazy amounts of blow jobs, etc. These women let the MM know that they love sex with him, they want sex with him, and they respond sexually to him quite readily. Overcompensation from the lack of sex the husband is getting at home, I expect. Definitely so. More importantly, the other woman, unlike the wife, has to do what she can to keep him; he not only has the power to walk away, but can do so without losing much outside of a wife that he doesn't really want anyway. She also doesn't have to do his laundry, smell his bad breath in the morning and watch him pass gas and scratch his balls also helps. The wife, on the other hand, has the husband (or thinks she does) and can take him to the cleaners if he walks. She has no obligation to make the relationship work outside of maintaining the love and companionship they share. And if she doesn't really want him anymore or just wants him in order to satisfyh her own control issues, there's no motivation to find a middle path that satisfies each other.
Scrivdog Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Wow. That's pretty much it. You got it. No way I could have said it better myself.Lets see. Your husband is still attractive, is in a band (fairly youthful still), knows how to get a woman off, and has a high sex drive. And, he has a wife who only sleeps with him a few times a year. There are plenty of OW out there who will give your husband sex several times a day, every day - all that needs to happen is one of them hitting him at a vulnerable moment. As soon as your husband starts getting sexual and intimate attention from another woman, you better believe he is going to consider it. There is another message board out there specifically for OW and it is full of stories just like this one, and the sex these OW give the MM is outrageous - we are talking frequent, kinky, and overboard. Sexcations, toys, kinks, fantasies, marathon sex sessions, crazy amounts of blow jobs, etc. These women let the MM know that they love sex with him, they want sex with him, and they respond sexually to him quite readily. Overcompensation from the lack of sex the husband is getting at home, I expect. Just be prepared for it, is all I'm saying. Honestly, how would it affect you if your husband decided to get his sexual needs met elsewhere since you are not going to meet them in your marriage?
mockeryjones Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 You ask what is my problem, I don't feel I have a problem. I am fine, it is him who is unhappy sexually. I would be fine if he would just calm down to my way of sex. he will, when he finds someone else to grease his pole. he's not going to calm down about it, it's only going to keep building until it has to be released one way or another. when he comes home and tells you "I've met someone else" maybe then you'll be ready to acknowledge that this might be your problem too.
Author mrschitwnsinger Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I do not believe he is the cheating type. Gilrs love singers in bands. He has women hit on him at the shows we do and he flirts up a storm but has yet to act on it. He no doubt loves the attention. On a few occasions I was telling him how pretty the girls were that flirt with him at the shows we do. That maybe he should take one up on their offers and he just laughed it off. He showed no interest. He just said no thanks. Just like that. I am trying to do more. really, I am.
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