mrschitwnsinger Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I have been reading this subject over and over here so I dread adding to it but I just have to give it a go. I am a once a month kind of woman married to a once a day kind of guy. We are so opposite when it comes to sex I dont know where to start. So I dont sound like I am complaining I want you all to know he is a wonderful man. We have been married 12 years now and he still looks as good to me as when we first met. He wears the same size clothes and has gained no more the 5 pounds since we met. He drives me crazy in that he leaves lights on but no real problems to speak of. On the contrary, he picks up after himself, shares in houshold chores and has given me a wonderful career. He makes me feel secure and loved every day. but... I am happy once a month with sex. I like to take a shower, climb in bed and do it. simple and fun. then I am good for a month. As for him he gets excited in public places, very arroused after a night out dancing and where most men wouldnt mind a wife bringing home another women for a threesome he would be equally happy watching me havel sex with another guy. He is a sexual wild man who wants to try everything twice. I am not shy, we have had some fun but as our marriage grows older I have slowed down and found contentment with a more easygoing sex life. This I hear is true with many couples. so for the past ten years I have only given him sex 10-12 times a year but his sex drive incresses every day!!!! If I am to be happy he wont ever be and if he gets his way I wont be happy. What does a couple do?
norajane Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Once a month for the last 10 years? And you've been married for 12? So, you "slowed down" only 2 years into your marriage? What did you "slow down" from? Did you start taking birth control pills or other meds that decreased your libido? Have you discussed this with your H? How is he feeling? Is he using porn to masturbate? Are you ok with that? The only thing I can see is to compromise somehow. Like, maybe you coud increase that to at least twice a month. Are there parts of sex that you could engage in more often - like, maybe give him a blow job more often, even if you don't have intercourse, or vice versa?
Mr. Lucky Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 The only thing I can see is to compromise somehow. Like, maybe you coud increase that to at least twice a month. Are there parts of sex that you could engage in more often - like, maybe give him a blow job more often, even if you don't have intercourse, or vice versa? mrschitwnsinger, norajane's good suggestion to compromise seems so obvious that I'm sure it must have occurred to you. And that leads to the simple question - why not more frequency than once a month if that's what it takes to make your spouse happy? I'm certainly not saying you should have sex every day, but sometime in the last 10 years, why not more of a "meet halfway" approach? Seems like something is missing from your story... Mr. Lucky
Galaxy Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 so for the past ten years I have only given him sex 10-12 times a year but his sex drive incresses every day!!!! OMG! Are you on birth control? Cause that tends to lower libido. How would you know his sex drive increases daily when you don't even allow him to touch you? Or does he seem to be building up sexual energy daily trying to get you into the mood?... and then you just keep rejecting him? Wow.. what a poor husband!
Galaxy Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If I am to be happy he wont ever be and if he gets his way I wont be happy. What makes love-making and connecting to your partner on an intimate level such a horrific task that it makes you "unhappy"??? Give me a break.
Mustang Sally Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 To the OP: Are you having good, solid orgasms when you have sex with your H? Or not? I maintain that (barring a medical libido prob or other diagnosis like depression, etc.) when the lady is getting satisfied, she usually wants it more. Read the Hite report. ~ 70% of women do not have regular orgasms with penis-vagina intercourse. Just a thought....
jmargel Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I have been reading this subject over and over here so I dread adding to it but I just have to give it a go. I am a once a month kind of woman married to a once a day kind of guy. We are so opposite when it comes to sex I dont know where to start. So I dont sound like I am complaining I want you all to know he is a wonderful man. We have been married 12 years now and he still looks as good to me as when we first met. He wears the same size clothes and has gained no more the 5 pounds since we met. He drives me crazy in that he leaves lights on but no real problems to speak of. On the contrary, he picks up after himself, shares in houshold chores and has given me a wonderful career. He makes me feel secure and loved every day. but... I am happy once a month with sex. I like to take a shower, climb in bed and do it. simple and fun. then I am good for a month. As for him he gets excited in public places, very arroused after a night out dancing and where most men wouldnt mind a wife bringing home another women for a threesome he would be equally happy watching me havel sex with another guy. He is a sexual wild man who wants to try everything twice. I am not shy, we have had some fun but as our marriage grows older I have slowed down and found contentment with a more easygoing sex life. This I hear is true with many couples. so for the past ten years I have only given him sex 10-12 times a year but his sex drive incresses every day!!!! If I am to be happy he wont ever be and if he gets his way I wont be happy. What does a couple do? Suck it up.. He's giving you everything a man can.. And you just only give him sex once a month? What kinda powertrip are you on? If you don't give it to him, someone else will. Marriage is about compromise and the way it looks here, you aren't doing much of it. Men equate sex to love (when we are married or in a committed relationship) so his lack of feeling loved will come to bite ya. You can tell him you love him all you want, but to show it (sex wise) is something completely different. Actions speak louder than words!
Ladyjane14 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If I am to be happy he wont ever be and if he gets his way I wont be happy. What does a couple do? So, my question for you.... Are you going to be happy when you're divorced? I'm not being facetious here. That's the most likely eventual outcome unless you find a way for your sexual relationship within the marriage to accommodate you BOTH. You both need to be happy with it. As a team, when one partner loses... you BOTH lose. There's no winning for either of you when you look at it in those terms. Now, I can guarantee you that your husband is NOT going to be satisfied emotionally if he's unsatisfied sexually. He is a man. You can't get a dog and then treat him like a cat, right? The guy has got TWENTY times the testosterone level you've got. What that means is that his sexual urge is with him almost consistently.... kind of like white noise going on inside his head. Further, his emotional connection to his partner is characterized largely by sexual fulfillment. IOW, when you two are sexual together, he feels loved and wanted. This sexual bond creates a unique relationship between two monogamous partners. This is a relationship that he doesn't have with anybody else... only you. It makes YOU a unique and special person to him. And he wants to be perceived by you in the same way... as "unique and special". Now, you might argue that he's ALREADY "unique and special" because he's your husband, right? .... Nope. You'll have more luck teaching algebra to your dog than convincing a man who's wife doesn't want him sexually that he's still loved and wanted. He might say he understands, but emotionally... he really doesn't. Male sexuality can be heavily compartmentalized in the mind. On the one hand, they're often quite capable of meaningless sex. On the other, when they're emotionally connected, they're hurt beyond words by their partner's perceived rejection. The function is not only physical, but emotional as well. And weirdly, the difference is easily distinguishable for most men, but not such an easy thing to understand for most women. This whole issue of sexuality within marriage becomes clouded when we try to view our partner through our own gender lens. You can't identify with what it REALLY means to be a man any more than he can clearly understand what it is to be a woman. When you apply female thinking to your husband's sexuality... you can't help but misunderstand where he's coming from. Some things just have to be taken on faith. So, if he tells you that sex is important to him... it is. Here's the latest big thread we've had about lop-sided libido. I think you'll get a whole lot more information by reading it... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101000/ Also, you might want to talk to your GYN and see if there are any physical issues to address. Oral birth control if you're on it, could be putting a damper on your drive. Actually, there are alot of different things that could be causing physical problems, sluggish thyroid for one more example. After that, my advice to you would be educate yourself on relationships and sexuality. You might even try buying some 'how-to' style books that can help you get some discussion going between you and your husband. It's a nice focal point for talking about what you like and what you don't. Your best bet is build some time into your schedule for regular sex. Try to get together for a sexual encounter at least every third day or so, barring illness or menses. More frequent sex will actually increase your desire for it... if you're having GOOD sex. Also... bring a new attitude to it like you would for a new hobby. Spend time thinking about it, planning it, and anticipating it. Marital sex isn't about THE ACT so much as it is the display of PASSION for your mate. Bear in mind that passion doesn't have to be all about the infatuation response you might have had for each other in your early days of dating. Passion can define ANYTHING you feel strongly about. What I'm suggesting to you... is that you feel strongly for making a big effort to fulfill your husband's emotional needs. That way, it makes it easier for him to fulfill yours. Remember... as a team neither of you can WIN unless you both do. And as a woman, you are more capable of compromise on sexual issues than he is. So much of it is just about the ATTITUDE you bring to the bedroom with you. For a woman... your best erogenous zone is THE MIND.
edastro4life Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Once a month!!! Hell I'm complaining about getting it once a week, And women wonder while we're horny all the time. Maybe if we get it on a consistant, non begging for basis then we probably wouldn't want it every day all day. Or when you finally do get it, You end up camping out in it all day cause you really don't know when the next time you might be getting it. My views on Masturbation before any one can say it is - why ask me to satisfy myself sexually when I'm not asking you to satisfy yourself emotionally, mentally, or whatever the case of your relationship needs might be.
tommyr Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Your situation sounds alot like my marriage. Husband is once-per-day sex drive, wife is once-per-month (on a good month). I wonder which alternative sexual outlet(s) your husband has been utilizing? I lasted a few years on masturbation and porn, before finally I just went nuts and decided either we find a compromise together or I would have to pursue other sexual options and/or divorce. Fortunately, my wife appears to be willing to work on this with me. While in my ideal world she too would have a sexual appetite, I can settle for her willingness to "go with the flow" and usually she comes around once I get things started. Further, his emotional connection to his partner is characterized largely by sexual fulfillment. IOW, when you two are sexual together, he feels loved and wanted. Yes indeed. And conversely, each time his sexual needs get relieved but you're not there he feels unloved and unwanted. This puts the entire marriage at risk, regardless of how good everything else might seem.
jmargel Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Ladyjane.. couldn't have said it better myself. Your post should be put into a book somewhere. Now only if I could get my wife to read it..
Crazy Eddie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 First, I don't know about you, but my wife will sometimes start when she feels physically all right but not at all "in the mood". Nine times out of ten, she'll be in the mood after about 10-20 minutes of playing. Hell, sometimes she'll initiate when she's not in the mood, and wind up in the mood as we go. If that doesn't work, either your libido is shot to hell or you're not attracted to the guy. If he's really okay with you bringing in another guy, that should tell you whether you're not into sex or not into sex with your husband. If the latter, you'll probably have to end up turning him loose for his sanity and yours. If the former, you'll need to see your doctor.
a4a Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 oh for cripes sake what is so hard about taking a couple of minutes out of your day to make your spouse happy....... jerk him off in the shower........ hell doing that is easier than cleaning up the dishes after a meal or running the vac...... if his feet hurt would you offer a rub to make him feel better? well him getting his pee pee rubbed makes him happy and feel better so rub his pee pee already at least once a friggin' week. sheeesh ........ selfish people! It's just a penis...... it doesn't bite for cripes sake...... it may spit but so the hell what...... get a towel out.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I would take that as a compliment. If your husband to this day still has the hots for you to want you anytime, anywhere....consider yourself lucky!! Not many men or women feel that way about their spouse after so many years together...and that is truly sad. I felt that way about my wife...up until about 6 months ago.
Author mrschitwnsinger Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Nora jane I do not know what has slowed it down. I am not taking any medications. I am in perfect health. He has no interest in porn. Actually, I am the lead singer in his band. We have done many photo shoots to promote our band and during the photo shoots I have done very very erotic and nude photos. He has told me he uses those for masturbation. I do a lot of modeling for photos like that so I do enjoy sexuality but I just seem to be always doing other things and not interested in sex when he wants it. Mr. lucky I have made attempts to compromise but we just seem to get so busy it never happens For example, we work together in a band. He is the back up singer, I am the lead. On the drive home he tells me he is incredibly turned on watching me perform all night. That my stage attire is very sexy and it makes him horny. If he had his way we would pull over in a parking lot and he would take me there. That is his idea of hot sex. As for me I am too tired from working to do anything. I can see he is justifiably driven by me to sexual arousal but after we have a night at work I am too physically tired so I just shower and try to go to bed. If I do offer him some oral at home he is like forget it now, the moment is long over and he appreciates it but he doesn’t want my offering of “Pity Sex” Lately, my efforts of meeting halfway are usually rejected and called “pity sex”. I agree, there is something missing from this story but I just cant figure it out. Galexy No birth control, he had a vasectomy. I know his sex drive is increasing by our conversations. We have good communication. He is constantly trying to get things happening and yes, I am constantly rejecting him. I want to cook dinner and I don’t need him coming onto me. I want to watch TV with him and just cuddle. Why does it always have to lead to sex? I want him, love him but I just don’t want sex as often. I am completely satisfied as is. So am I to assume you feel I should have sex if I don’t want to? That I have no rights to my needs? Can’t a person not want sex without being a freak? Have you ever heard of Asexuals? Mustang sally Yes, He always gets me off. I do not orgasm from intercourse but he totally knows how to work my clit. He will give me oral first and that works every time. Other times I lie on the edge of the bed and he stands there and uses a vibrator as he pumps me. The two combined is a sure thing for me to orgasm. He loves to use toys on me. He will do anything in any way I want. Like I said he has NO limits on sexual activity so he will do what ever I ask to get me off. I sometimes think his oppeness to sexual exploration scares me. he will do anything. Jmargel You say marriage is about compromise and I agree but it is many other things also. Like not making your partner have sex if she does not want to. I have given in on many occasions. I have done it kinky as he likes it with video taping and sexy costumes and “Vanilla” as I like it. I give him sex but the frequency is the problem. How do I spread my legs when I am not in the mood? For me that is just not an easy thing to do. When we met we had weekends of endless sex. I would meet him after work on Fridays and we would not leave the bedroom until Sunday. Eating only food delivered to the house. We would use sex toys and get kinky. I still do on the occasion I want sex but I just can’t find the desire in me to make the time to do it like this any more. He wants it like it was and I think it is natural for a couple to grow out of this kind of sexual activity. You hear about it in comedian’s jokes all the time. Women always seem to loose their sex drives when they get married. You say Men equate sex to love and that is true but is it right? I have so many ways to show my husband love without sex. We are very much in love as is. I don’t need sex. ladyjame14 i really appreciarte your comments , i will swell on those for a while. a4a Not as easy as it was. He is now rejecting my quick offerings to get him off. saying its too little too late. He would rather not get any than feel the guilt of accppting offerings of pity sex.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 You say Men equate sex to love and that is true but is it right? I have so many ways to show my husband love without sex. We are very much in love as is. I don’t need sex. Ok, that statement has left me speechless. There is some cosmic irony in his sexual overdrive married to her asexual state of mind. Kind of like seeing Ron Jeremy cast in a Doris Day movie Mr. Lucky
jmargel Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 You say Men equate sex to love and that is true but is it right? I have so many ways to show my husband love without sex. We are very much in love as is. I don’t need sex. Right or wrong it does not matter. It is how us men are built. Take it or leave it. We look at it as the standpoint of sex with the one we are with is something we don't do with anyone else. It's a way of us getting affection/attention without us having to ask for it in other ways. It's a way for us to feel loved. I think you can come to a compromise so that you do it more than just once a month. Perhaps once a week maybe? Also try not to fight it so much, the more you fight it, the more resentment you have over it. Take it as a compliment that he still wants you the way he does. It could be alot worse..
norajane Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Nora jane I do not know what has slowed it down. I am not taking any medications. I am in perfect health. Well, if you were f*cking like bunnies the first 2 years of your marriage, and then only once a month for the next 10 years, something happened after those first 2 years. You keep calling it "slowing down", but it seems like there was a more abrupt change 10 years ago, and not a gradual slowing down because of children or age or anything. How old are you anyway? Most women hit their sexual peak in their late 30's...your desire level should have gone up. But maybe it's one of those "use it or lose it" things...I know the more sex I have, the more I want. I do enjoy sexuality but I just seem to be always doing other things and not interested in sex when he wants it. I have made attempts to compromise but we just seem to get so busy it never happens I can see he is justifiably driven by me to sexual arousal but after we have a night at work I am too physically tired so I just shower and try to go to bed. If I do offer him some oral at home he is like forget it now, the moment is long over and he appreciates it but he doesn’t want my offering of “Pity Sex” Lately, my efforts of meeting halfway are usually rejected and called “pity sex”. Maybe you could plan sex into your schedule...if you are too tired at night, then initiate it in the mornings when you are rested. Most guys are horny first thing; I doubt he would have trouble getting aroused then. Maybe you could plan special evenings for the two of you - a "date" that will end in sex - on a night when you aren't performing and won't be tired. Or an afternoon, or a weekend away somewhere? If you "always seem to be doing other things" maybe you are doing too much that is taking away from the intimacy in your marriage. You have to actually be "present" in the relationship for intimacy to thrive. Make time for it, and initiate it, and he won't see it as "pity sex". He is constantly trying to get things happening and yes, I am constantly rejecting him. I want to cook dinner and I don’t need him coming onto me. I want to watch TV with him and just cuddle. Why does it always have to lead to sex? I want him, love him but I just don’t want sex as often. I am completely satisfied as is. Apparently, the only time you have sex is after your shower in bed once a month, based on your original post. So why do you ask if it "always has to lead to sex"? It obviously doesn't. Your H is expressing his attraction for you when he flirts as you are making dinner. What is so terrible about him touching you or kissing you as you stir the soup? Perhaps you are misinterpreting his affectionate gestures as sexual overtures, perhaps not. Either way, why is it so hard for you to enjoy his touch? Aren't you attracted to him? Do you get so much validation from others that you don't need his? Does he get validation from others, or just you? So am I to assume you feel I should have sex if I don’t want to? That I have no rights to my needs? Can’t a person not want sex without being a freak? Have you ever heard of Asexuals? You aren't asexual. You like it when you like it. You like to control it and have it be on your terms, and don't like it on his terms and when he initiates. Are you a person who likes to maintain control of all situations? Is sex the only part of your marriage that you insist on controlling? Or do you control most parts of your marriage? Your husband also has the right to his needs, which you are barely trying to fill. The point of marriage is being a team. Sometimes, one member of the team sacrifices for the other to make them happy, or supports them when they need it, or tries to meet their needs. Your H has been sacrificing his needs to meet yours for 10 years... You say marriage is about compromise and I agree but it is many other things also. Like not making your partner have sex if she does not want to. I have given in on many occasions. Given in...is this a power struggle for you? You say Men equate sex to love and that is true but is it right? I have so many ways to show my husband love without sex. We are very much in love as is. I don’t need sex. Right? It's not right or wrong, it just is. HE needs sex, even if you don't. Sex is how men in committed relationships give love and receive it. You may show him you love him in other ways - your ways - but it doesn't feel like love to him without a loving sex partner. Not as easy as it was. He is now rejecting my quick offerings to get him off. saying its too little too late. He would rather not get any than feel the guilt of accppting offerings of pity sex. After all this time being rejected, I can see why he would think it is just pity sex...because IT IS! You can change that by flirting with him the way you used to do, by initiating it because you want to please him, not because you feel sorry for him. Men can tell the difference.
Road Rage Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Hey, I could use a little pity sex right now.
minucha Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 BIG ADVICE... better solve this area in your marriage or we will meet you one of these months in other post areas crying out that your hubby cheated on you... come one, sexuality is a very big thing between man-woman relationships, and it is obvious in your husband's case, since he is a real sexual man.... so your best to solve this and do satisfy him, or meet him half way in this area, or else one of these days he'll be looking for it somewhere else... don't assume, just because he is a nice and sweet guy, he won't stray... never assume... just fix it and do it.... i am sorry if i came negative, but it does happen... i hope you won't follow a path that my cause you other pains..... best of luck and wish you happeness and content....
Scrivdog Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 BIG ADVICE... better solve this area in your marriage or we will meet you one of these months in other post areas crying out that your hubby cheated on you... come one, sexuality is a very big thing between man-woman relationships, and it is obvious in your husband's case, since he is a real sexual man.... so your best to solve this and do satisfy him, or meet him half way in this area, or else one of these days he'll be looking for it somewhere else... don't assume, just because he is a nice and sweet guy, he won't stray... never assume... just fix it and do it.... i am sorry if i came negative, but it does happen... i hope you won't follow a path that my cause you other pains..... best of luck and wish you happeness and content.... Great advice. Depriving your husband of sex is a sure formula for becoming a betrayed spouse. But then again, I'm sure you wouldn't hold it against him. I mean you should be glad someone else is happy to unload that burden from your shoulders.
Author mrschitwnsinger Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 I am in my late 30’s And the comment Ron Jeremy cast in a Doris Day movie” Is so true. He is that wild. He is not into porn but if I was to do a porn he would be the first to buy ten copies and send them to our friends. I say this because on the photo shoots I do I am sometimes pared off with a male model in kissing or sexual scenes and he is very aroused by those. Like I said he would bring home another man for me if I wanted. As for what has changed I don’t think any thing has except my sex drive. He is still an attractive man. He is still “My type” but I just don’t want sex that often. And also, I can’t say it stopped that fast. When I say it stopped ten years ago I am being very general in time. It may have slowed down gradually, I really can’t remember. I don’t mean to mislead by being so general in my time frame. I can see your points about control issues. He often tells me I am a control freak and I see it could very well be a problem. If you are thinking I am too it must be obvious. Some of you suggest scheduling, He has tried to give me schedules and suggesting times for sex that I want to go through with but it just never happens. For example, he left for a meeting one night. I was working on my computer and he put his arms around me from behind, kisses my neck and said “how about when I come you are on the sofa in some sexy little outfit I can rip of you and make you orgasm" I said that sounds great. Well, I kept working and he calls me on his way home. I told him I was hungry and wanted food. He brought me home dinner and of course I was not in a sexy outfit, I was not even in make up. Just still sitting there in my sweat shirt. We ate dinner and by the time we relaxed to the sofa I was not into it. Kind of full from dinner and tired from working all night in the computer. I guess I really didn’t want to or I would have got my self ready before he got home. He told me he was disappointed but we still cuddled and watch movies all night. I feel horrible. I know I am not helping the situation but I just can bring myself to give in. I want to but I just never follow through
Author mrschitwnsinger Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 Last night was terrible. We went to see a girlfriend of mine at a strip club. She is a stripper. I thought this would be fun for him. We had lots of fun, laughed and ate good food. So far, a great night. I saw a girl on stage that I said to him “isn’t she pretty?” he says yes and asks me if I would get a lap dance from her. I have had lap dances from girls before and I said if we have the time then sure but I don’t want to spend a lot of money. Well, by the time we left he asked again, I didn’t see her and I wanted to go so we left. He was silent all the way home. He sat on the sofa when we got home, drank a beer and didn’t say much. I asked what was wrong and he just said he really wanted to watch me get a lap dance. I don’t know why he gets his hope up all the time. I didn’t say I was going to for sure. Just because I have before is no guarantee I will again. I was tired and didn’t want to sit around I told him and then he shot back at me about gambling on the boats here. We have gambling boats in Illinois . He does not gamble but he shot back ‘I can sit with you and watch you gamble for 45 minutes and spend a hundred bucks but you can give me three minutes and 20 dollars for one lap dance. Thanks.” And he was silent. I was furious. He is not the one who has to let a girl rub on him, if I don’t want to then why should I? So we were both kind of angry at each other but we always just let it go. We changed subjects and later went to bed. Don’t you think he is the selfish and controlling one here? He could have had his own lap dance but he didn’t. He wanted me to get one to satisfy his sexual fantasies. I did that at a club 4 months ago, isn’t that enough? This is all just getting so bad.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 We went to see a girlfriend of mine at a strip club. She is a stripper. I guess I'm confused. For someone who descibes herself as asexual and uninterested, you sure seem to find a way to place yourself in sexual situations. Strip clubs. Nude photo shoots. Sexy modeling. Doesn't that seem like a contradiction? If I were your husband, I'd feel I was receiving very mixed signals... Mr. Lucky
Krytellan Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Actually, as I'm reading this post, what I'm reading makes me sick. It makes me sick because with every comment you remind me more and more of my ex-wife. The way she used my sexuality against me because she never wanted to do it. The way she would try to degrade me by saying that all she is to me is a hole. The way she would be full of sex and sexuality, just never for me. So yes, this post has a tint of resentment. It's nothing personal, but rather something I feel strongly about. Your example of him wanting you to be on the couch in a sexy outfit and you finding a way to make it allll about you by wanting food... makes me cringe because I see my ex doing this. You couldn't have eaten while he was gone? Did the thought ever enter your mind to do this for him or did you have the excuse planned from the time he left the house? I used to ask my wife to be ready to go out when I got back so we could go to our event. I would come home exactly the time I said I would and she would be sitting on her ass in front of the TV watching some stupid reality TV or on the computer. Why? Because she didn't give a sh*t about what others wanted, just herself. "I'm sorry honey, I forgot... or time got away from me". As for sex, well, if I got her wasted I upgraded my chances to "having a small shot". Just understand that what he is going through is not his fault. You are not the person he married and haven't been for 10 years. Don't insult him or try to make him feel bad. In fact, stop thinking so damn much about your own selfish wants. Should someone be forced to have sex because their partner wants it? No. But here's an idea... try seeing it as doing something because you know he really wants it. Is that something you can wrap your selfish mind around? Or is "creating" a need for food and disappointing him more exciting and powerful to you? I have absolutely no doubt that in your mind this will always be his issue. It probably fits better into your schema of being treated unfairly that way. If you can't write the situation off as being his fault, you may likely make sure to create a situation where it becomes his fault (crafting a fight for example, so you can use the excuse of being angry), thereby letting you off the hook in your mind. What you are writing about goes way beyond sex, and I am absolutely positive about that. I would gamble that this is a static personality trait that simply manifests more frequently in sexual matters. With that in mind, you need to address the control issues that you have. Him wanting sex is not evil, and it sounds as if he has been good about it for far too long. This came off as harsh, but it's just my silly little opinion.
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