momadmac Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Hello, I am pretty new to this...but I could really use some help here. I dated this guy for 7 mths (6/06-1/07). we started out very slow since I am a divorced mother of three and my ex husband had an affair and left me for the Ow. About four months into the relationship I began to let my wall down and try. he was provin to be a sincere person who truly cared about me. We had a decent relationship, always had fun together and great intimacy/companionship. However, he was always jealous..doubting me with my where abouts, who I talked to, texted, etc....This caused many blow up arguments..especially when he would get drunk( did I mention he is a borderline alcoholic?). After the holidays and a weekend vacation to disney, I caught him in a lie about drinking one night. He had come over for dinner (with my daughters and I), arrived late( late meeting with the "boss" on a friday night...right!) and got drunk off two glasses of wine. I asked him if he had been drinking earlier and he said no. So when he fell asleep that night...I did a little snooping and caught him in a lie. A receipt for happy hour that night. This then made me drawn to check his text messages. Low and behold...he was talking to four different girls! Two were flirtations, one was an ex girlfriend( whom he was trying to initiate something) and the fourth was a co-worker, with a bf who he had obviously done something with...What, I did not want to know. from that I confronted him and he seemed remorseful..said it would never happen again..blah,blah, blah. For two days he seemed to be trying to work through it and let me vent/etc. Then, because I kept looking at his text messages and there were still responses coming from the girls ( I had made him send the girls "get lost" messages the night I confronted him) he said he had enough and left. We were through. We did not talk for a few days and then he said he needed "time apart". I told him if we did that it would be over forever. Then I found this place and it helped. I started the NC rule and it worked. Two weeks later..I received a drunk call. I was curt and got off quick. I then received a few text messages that I ignored. Last week out of the blue he started text messaging me all of the time. The day before valentine's day. Tough time for all of us:) I tried to ignore them but after awhile broke down and we talked (this was 4 wks since our break up)since then he has begged me to give him another chance, and tried to see me at my house...luckily I was away. Last night I was not so lucky...he came over unexpectedly...and I let him in. He said all the things you want to hear, " i love you, i want to make this work, i want a future with you...." So we ended up being together. He now thinks we are trying for a second chance. I am sick with my actions now. since I am not sure what I feel. after 5 weeks apart I came to realize i do not think he could ever be faithful to one woman ever( he has done this his entire life)..why would I be the one to "change him"? So here is my question: What do you all think. Should I give it a try? Give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him? Or do I look back at his track record and all of "the lines" he easily spews to all ex-girlfriends and just cut ties. And if I should end it what is the most tactful way? Remember he has lots of issues: alcoholism, victim of child abuse, repeat cheater etc...I really do not want a stalker. He does not take well to losing and always is up for a challenge. Thanks for any and all advice!
thecount Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 What do you feel in your gut? Do you feel that you can trust him? Your gut feeling is all you have, and it's always right. Remember that, it's always right. I was asked that very question about my ex g/f. and my gut feeling was right. she was up to no good. Please do yourself a favor and always listen to what you gut has to say. It will save you hearache in the end. But you care about this person, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice. How much do you care?, and is he worth the fight?
Author momadmac Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 I do care alot. I thought before this happened that I was in love with him. Now, I do not know. I think I have put my wall back up. But now he is saying he loves me...he never said it before. My heart says to give him a chance to either prove or disprove himself. My head says end it and run. I know so much about his past...bits and pieces from him/ lots of things from comparing notes with one of his ex's. I do feel he deeply cares for me, but I am not sure he is capable of a "real relationship". So, to answer your question...my gut right now says see what happens...but I am not hopeful.
guin_girl Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 momadmac, wow... you have gone through a lot with this guy and it's only been 7 months? Just the fact that he drinks so much and you have children to raise, I wouldn't want the kind of person around my kids. You have to look at his past and realize this will probably be his future. As they say once a cheater, always a cheater. I have had that "I will change" speech. Nope, didn't happen. Technically, you haven't been the one to change him as of yet, 4 girls? and 1 is the ex? wow... And he will only change if and when HE wants to. how do you know he's not doing the drunk calls to them? Next he will use the excuse that he was drunk and couldn't control himself? If I were you, I would cut out now and let him go. You've already been through enough with your ex husband, you don't need to replay it again. Always remember, you are the prize and you deserve the best. Be the best role model you can to your daughters, you would never want to see them in this situation. I'm not trying to upset you, but if you were to hear this story from one of them or even your friends, you would want them to get out of this toxic situation.
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Thanks for the feedback. It is funny...my head knows that I have to end it. The emotional heart side always thinks..." you can help him". Honestly...why do I need to fix someone anyway? I am going to end this once and for all...for my own sanity. Thanks!
thecount Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If your gut is saying see what happens, but you're not hopeful. Then what are you doing? If you're going to give it a try, then you have to go in fighting. and thats the other thing. Everyone is "trying" no one actually "doing". If you do want him, you're going to have take on his "borderline alcoholism", calling of the ex's, or any other problems he has. You stay with him, you choose to take this on. No one is forcing you, you're doing this soley on free will. Now what's your gut telling you?
Author momadmac Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 My gut is telling me if I was single and in my twenties with no one relying on but myself.....well..I would try to work in this with him. However that is not my situation...I have 3 kids to think about and like guin girl said...this is a toxic relationship. My friends helped me through the rough first weeks of NC and now here I go jumping back in? I know this is not good.. I am going to end it. I have to for my own sanity. I am not saying I will not still care..but I care more about myself and my kids than fixing some guy who has so many issues.Maybe the next girl can figure it out for him. Thanks count I do appreciate all of your insight:)
Spinderella Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 i dont think necessarily once a cheater always a cheater, but, i do think that if someone really is going to change their ways it takes alot more than a few weeks and cannot possibly be done whilst escaping with alcohol. it would take some seriously hard work on oneself to change those sorts of habits and could not possibly be done with any form of escapism including relationships (with you or anyone else). you say he doesnt lose easily. saying "i love you" is just hoping to pull a winning trick out of the bag. glad you have decided to end it. its easy to get into bad relationships when you have been through an emotional time like losing your h to another woman.
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