Kenzo Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 We have talked about when (if) our relationshipcomes to an end a few times, he says to me all the time that he can tell I am at my wits end, and that I'll be leaving him soon. I am not ready to leave him but I act distant and I avoid his attempts to provoke me into discussing why I'm acting like the relationship is coming to an end. I guess I am trying to keep him on his toes, "keep 'em wanting more"! My only response is "you'll miss me when I'm gone", and I just chuckle. Always keeping it light, I guess... He always says things like "I'll stalk you, I'll find you, I need you, you can't get rid of me that easily". It secures him in my life...I know that even if I tried NC he would find a way, it's just the way he is and I am SOOOO weak! We tried it about a month ago, it literally lasted 17 hours! He was non stop text, calls, e-mails, and then brought flowers to me at my office... I can't ignore him, I can't even let the phone ring more than twice when he calls-no matter what I'm doing! Where do you find the strength to say make the choice, he says he'll do what's best for me, and that he knows that that might not be what's best for him but we are, for lack of a better term, addicted to each other! Any words of wisdom?
GreenEyedLady Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 When you're ready, you'll do it...in the mean time it's a roller coaster with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows...
puddleofmud Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 One will only make changes in their lives when they are ready to do so... You are the one who must make the choice about whether or not said "attention" is worth what goes along with it. How do you feel about it right now? Are you beginning to feel or having some inkling that this is not what is best for you? Only you can decide what is best for you... As to being addicted--attraction, extreme passion and wild romance is what every one wishes--but is this the better "kind" of attention to those aspects? Is it wise to be addicted to that sort of attention? Does it make you feel good about yourself? Or just a temporary fix? And in the END will it reward you with what you truly want and need? One often may say to one's self "this is OK for now" and not think much about "later". "Now" often ends up more quickly than one thinks it shall--"later" is always right around the corner... Sooner than later you may be faced with more than you thought you could handle, as are all "addictive" behaviors. You have to decide what you are willing to accept for now and the consequences that a "fix" brings via the long term. Trust most of us who have been there--it may take YEARS of your life to FIX in the long term what felt so wonderous in the short term. Best wishes and take care of yourself!
movinon05 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 When you admit the lows are more often than the highs. When its just not enough anymore. When you realize life's train is pulling out of the station and you're not on it. When you realize you are a whole person and do not need another "half" to make you complete. When you start to believe in yourself and love yourself more. The strength is there. You just have to be willing to work through the pain believing there's a silver lining around that cloud over your head.
Jinxx Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 When you're ready, you'll do it...in the mean time it's a roller coaster with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows... Ditto! So very, very true!
frannie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Where do you find the strength to say make the choice, he says he'll do what's best for me, and that he knows that that might not be what's best for him but we are, for lack of a better term, addicted to each other! Firstly I think that if you ask someone to please not contact you, and they keep breaking that, then they're showing you a lack of respect. I don't find it a loving act at all. As far as finding the strength to ask someone else to make a choice..? The only choices you control are your own. You can decide whether to walk away from him or not, when you're ready. Asking him to make a choice to determine your future is putting all power and decision-making in his hands, and that's not a good place to be. It's doubly not good in respect of the fact that he's someone who's cheating... almost by definition (and speaking very generally) they are people who don't make choices... they drift into things, and expect other people to make the decisions for them. Asking someone who doesn't like making decisions/choices to make a decision/choice for you, when you're the one hurting... well brick walls and heads come to mind. The only question is, how long are you going to keep banging your head against it..?
Audero Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Wow. Do they all read from the same instruction manual? My ex MM said all of that to me. In fact, his parting words, when I finally broke it off were, "one day I won't be married, and I will hunt you down. I'll get you back, even if you are married yourself by then." All of the attention, the chasing of you, the words of undying love are flattering. To think some man cares that much about you. So, it is hard to walk away. Especially when you love the man. I know. Something that helped me, and you might think about... if the man really loved you, he wouldn't be with someone else, would he? If he truly felt all of the things he says he does, he would be making moves to divorce and be with you. What he wants, is to keep both of you. When I asked for NC, my ex ignored me, and did the chase thing. So, I blocked his number, changed my email, etc. It was hard to do. I loved the man so much when I walked away, but it had to be done. Once you are truly ready for NC, you will be able to do it, and stick with it. Hope this turns out well for you. Be strong.
stillafool Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I've never been the OW in a marital situation but had a cheating bf who I couldn' let go of because of the chemistry. Finally, I had had enough and realized I was hurting myself and not showing myself the respect I deserved. That no wonder this guy wasn't respecting me I was putting his needs ahead of mine. I turned to prayer and it really worked for me. I started making small steps that started to strengthen each day. Well, I let him go and went on to find the man of my dreams. The thing is you have to have reached a point where reality will set in and maybe you aren't there yet. You can't see what the rest of us see. I have been there.
Author Kenzo Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 I actually said to him yesterday that every word out of his mouth is exactly what all MM say to the OW. He was like "how do you know"...I just said I've been talking to people who know what I'm going through and eneded the conversation right there. He told me he's never had an affair before and I do believe him...they(men) must all be hard wired with this crap! All of the attention, the chasing of you, the words of undying love are flattering. To think some man cares that much about you. So, it is hard to walk away. Especially when you love the man. I know. I feel so good when I'm with him and he maintains contact with me all day, everyday, if it was more sporadic I could deal better, I think...but i've grown so accustomed to talking to him all the time, and he is always so sweet. Wish there was a manual for us!
Catharsis Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I only found the strength to stop all contact with exMM (who was also my exBF from college) after I found out that he was a serial cheater. I was no more special to him than all the other women he was sweet talking into bed (except that I never slept with him). Every single word he had told me was a blatant lie, and after seeing the evidence right in front of me Prince Charming turned right back into the frog he really was. I'm so over him, but I'm still mad at him and myself for wasting several years of my life being preoccupied with him. Whenever I hear about his successful career and his "happy marriage" I want to shout it from the roof tops what ******* he really is.
bigblueeyes Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 The day will come and hopefully sooner rather than later For me that day was when I realised that my choice was either leaving or accepting him staying married for a very long time - if not forever - regardless of what he said. And all of a sudden it was crystal clear that I needed to burn bridges, not continue to cross them It was actually not as difficult to leave MM as I thought. I mean the prospect of a life in emotional hell made it pretty easy
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