panzer6 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 My birthday was last week and my ex sent me a text mesage wishing me a happy birthday. We chatted back and forth a bit, just mindless chit chat, my question is why does she still have my number. She tells me what a horrible person I am but if that is the case why does she have my cell # and why does she contact me. I will never understand her!!!!!
ratingsguy Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 In order to answer your question, we're going to need more info. Who broke up with who? What was the relationship like? How long were you together? Stuff like that.
Author panzer6 Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 We were together for about a year and a half, she is a very emotional person. Single mom, 2 great boys aged 6 and 10, she is twice divorced. I the beginning things were great, we really connected and became very close and we fell in love. She became more and more critical of me as time went by. Some of her friends told me to be carefull with her as she could be very volatile. Eventually she dumped me but said she still wanted to sleep with me on a regular basis. I know, stupid me. But the sex was out of this world!. Eventually she accused me of being un-sympathetic to her which was totally untrue! We have seen each other once in the last 8 months, just hung out and had a few drinks, that was it. She has told other people in her past to get lost and she always deletes their phone numbers. I just can't understand why she wont delete mine. If I am such a bad person why does she still contact me? Does she still have feelings or care about me? I think it's possible she does, I just wish she would tell me straight out but I think she is too prideful to do that.
Mythical Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Hey! Ex's are the WORST!! Exspecially if you sleep with them! lol I know you know that!! You don't wan her interfering with your next relationship....my b/f's ex from years still will come around once and awhile as sad as it sounds the cops have been involved many times...they can be crazy...exspcially if their emotional or bi-polar!! Careful!!
Author panzer6 Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Hey Myth, you know I don't think she is bi-polar, but strangely enough her brother is!! I know that sort of thing is genetic so that may be part of the problem. I have researched Borderline Personality Disorder and I see alot of similarities between her behaviour and the symptoms for BPD. It's really sad cuz I honestly do love her and her 2 boys. This whole thing has really crushed my heart cuz I just wanted to take care of them and keep them safe and give them all the love I could. But things aren't going to be that way, she has issues that she is avoiding and I think her and the boys will suffer as a result. I have to let go and I have to be honest with you it has been the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. But I know that if you love someone sometimes you have to let go of them. I just hope she sees what her problem is and goes about dealing with it, if not for her sake then at least for her 2 sons. I feel like my insides have been removed, empty and hollow. When she contacts me I go right back to feeling lousy. I just want to feel better.
Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 When she contacts me I go right back to feeling lousy. I just want to feel better.The way I've chosen to cope is to consider my estranged wife three different people: my life partner my dumper a reconclier When we first separated I kept on trying to get back with her because I thought that she was still my life partner and would listen to me. Of course she'd become my dumper and was behaving accordingly and wouldn't listen to me. Once I realised that my life partner had been replaced by my dumper I knew that I had to look for emotional support elsewhere and am very grateful I found the LoveShack. There is no point me trying to hold anything but polite, perfunctory conversations with my dumper. Whenever I call her or she calls me, I always remind myself that this woman I am talking to is not my life partner, she is my dumper and that makes it easier for me to deal with the call. If she ever decides to reconcile, she becomes a reconciler and at that point I just listen. When she's done I talk, if the reconciliation is successful she once again becomes my life partner. I hope this makes sense and helps:D.
notmakingsense Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I think she still has some feelings for you, but if she won't come out and admit it any reconciliation won't be based on complete honesty between you two. Worst case, she's just keeping you around as a backup, or maybe just wants a booty call? Above all else, don't place your emotional life on hold thinking about her, and don't consider moving forward with her unless she has changed in some significant way that would allow you to trust her again.
Author panzer6 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 She called me last night, she had a question about her cell phone, I work for Telus Mobility and she wanted to know something about her phone. We ended up talking for about 20 minutes, just catching up and all. She seems happy but as far as i can tell she is still single. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no. She said she was cold, which is her way of saying she would like some company but I just ignored it. I guess I did ok, it was nice to hear her voice but I still am quite cautious. At least we can be civil with each other, I never wanted us to be enemies. I feel she still cares about me but I don't really know what she wants from me.
MoonGirl Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 She's probably lonely and misses you, but because she is so emotionally damaged, she has no idea how to have a healthy relationship. I guess I don't have enough info about you or what she found wrong with you. You seem like a very understanding guy - I mean you dated a twice divorced woman with 2 kids. She probably had expectations that you didn't meet, wanted you to be someone you aren't, etc. Perhaps her expectations were unrealistic and she felt disappointment. She probably needs therapy in order to understand what a healthy relationship is, how to communicate effectively, and how to work things out instead of bolting. Why is she still contacting you? Maybe because you still offer her something: your time, a caring voice, a self-esteem boost?
Author panzer6 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Wow Moongirl, you seem to be very perceptive. She did want me to be something I wasn't. I tried to be everything to her cuz I knew she had been through some bad relationships, she just never seemed happy with me or anything i did, other than when we were in the bedroom. I seem to have got that part of the relationship right. I still care about her and the boys and I miss them very much. I can hear it in her voice that she misses me too. I don't know what to do, if I try to start something with her again it will just go the way it did before and I don't want to get hurt again. Tough situation to say the least. Thanks for your input, you must have alot of experience with this sort of thing, I just hope it wasn't all bad. What do you think I should do?
Author panzer6 Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 You know Moongirl it's funny you mention therapy, she has gone to a therapist, even when we were together. She would tell them that I did something to upset her but the therapist would take my side in the argument. That would really piss her off. I think she may suffer from some sort of psychological problem, maybe Borderline Personality Syndrome cuz she seems to exhibit alot of the symptoms. I know it's easy to say someone is sick but some of the things she did and said were completely irrational. There were times when I didn't even know who she was anymore. She would treat me as if I tried to kill one of her kids if I said or did the wrong thing. And i'm talking about trivial things, things that anyone else wouldn't even consider as being serious or threatening. Basically speaking she is very emotionally sensitive. But it's strange, most days she would be fine but then all of a sudden she would freak out on me if I was 10 minutes late or said the wrong thing. I never so much as raised my voice to her, never called her any bad names and I never ever hit her. I always tried to talk to her and try to understand why she was upset but there were times when she was absolutely irrational. Even her kids would say things like, " stop it mom, this is just like you used to do to dad" you should have seen the look on her face after her son said that! It scared the crap out of me. Anyway, I feel very depressed about the whole thing. I haven't been very happy for a long time now. I guess I'm mourning what might have been. In the beginning she was the most caring and loving person I have ever known, we really became very close and fell very deeply in love. She never gave me any signs that something was wrong. It all started after we had been together for about 6 months. Maybe she hates men in general or blames them for her bad relationships. Her dad died when she was 1 year old so she never knew her father. Her childhood was very unhappy and she has been cheated on and physically abused by other men. And then I come along, Mr. Goodguy, so to speak. I guess in some way I was like a lamb to the slaughter. Oh well, live and learn. I don't like being single, i've been on some dates lately, nothing serious but it was nice to go out and have some fun with someone new. I just wish i could meet someone whole, and relatively normal, if there is such a thing. Anyway, sorry for the rant.
MoonGirl Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Hi panzer6, I'm sorry you're still going through this. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation with his ex, so I have seen it all! She won't commit to him, but still hangs on enough to have enough commitment and keep them both from moving on with their lives...this has been going on for 2 1/2 years now since she dumped him. What are my thoughts on your situation? As heatbreaking as it may be for you, I say cut your losses now. Don't take her calls, don't read or reply to her emails, etc. What you want is for her to be the most caring and wonderful woman you know - which is what she was (or pretended to be) for a very short period of time at the beginning of your relationship. I doubt she hates men. She probably just has no real idea how to have a healthy relationship, is very needy, and has unrealistic expectations. She probably never had a healthy relationship model to look at as a child, and has some sort of hollywood-induced fantasy of what a relationship should be like. Of course, being cheated on and physically abused can cause emotional trauma (I've been there)...still...it is never an excuse to emotionally abuse someone like you afterwards. I do agree with part of your assessment...you were the good guy...and her doormat too. If you choose to be with a woman like her, you need to be firm in your expectations and not give in to her tantrums or manipulative behavior. That means you NEVER take her crap for ANY reason. It's sort of like dealing with a 2-year-old. If you give a crying child what they want, they see it as a reward. They've manipulated you into giving them what they want by being naughty. And they'll do it again and again and again because you reward them for it. If she becomes insulting or accusational, you simply state your point of view and then walk out. You tell her that you're not willing to negotiate with her if she is behaving badly. If she accuses you of something you didn't do, you simply state, "you know I wouldn't do that." If the conversation continues, you get up and leave. But, really, who wants to be in a romantic relationship with a 2-year-old? There are people who are relatively whole and relatively normal. And, if it were me, I would MUCH rather be alone than have to deal with crazy childish behavior.
Author panzer6 Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Yes Moongirl, I agree with everything you say. You sound like you might be a councellor or therapist. Alot of what you say is true about her. She acts like a spoiled brat when she is mad and I know for a fact that she has done this to every guy she has been with. She told me that her 2 ex husbands were abusive to her, both physically and emotionally speaking but I have talked to people who know her and they say that that wasn't the case. Either way she is emotionally damaged. It really breaks my heart because I truly love her and her 2 boys very much. That makes it all the more painful to deal with. I havent seen her in over four months but she always seems to contact me just when i least expect it. I wish I could spend some time with her 2 sons cuz we really had a lot of fun together. I still don't know what she wants from me. She always tells me how horrible I am but she does't seem willing to cut the string once and for all. I remember on numerous occasions she told me that I made her feel things she had never felt before. I think I got under her skin somehow and she isn't used to that. When we met she was very nice and pleasant to be with but she was also very guarded with me. She was always saying how amazed she was that I was in her house and hanging out with her and her boys. She said that that usually doesn't happen, that she keeps her boys away from the men she dates. I figured she had been through some bad relationships and was just being cautious. I told her she had nothing to fear from me and that I loved being with them. Her boys would always ask where I was and if I was coming over soon. I guess that may have scared her a bit. She is emotionally scarred, that much i know. I just want her and the boys to be safe and happy. I wanted to give them that, but it was so hard with her mood swings that I began to withdraw from her and she said she could sense it. What was I supposed to do? I told her I would do whatever it took to prove to her that I honestly loved her. But nothing was good enough for her. Anyway, I feel like crap and I'm tired of feeling this way. No choice but to ignore her calls and text messages, it will be tough and it will hurt but I need to heal somehow and move forward with my life. I work alot so I'm usually quite busy. It just sucks being alone.
MoonGirl Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Hi Panzer, Oh gosh..I'm not a therapist, just a woman with many female friends, some of them crazy. I've seen this behavior before, and it really baffles me...well, to some degree. I think part of the problem is that the men in these relationships put up with the craziness. Many American men are taught to be nice, sensitive guys and they simply have no idea how to deal with a crazy, emotional woman. On the other hand, I think it is really sad that some women choose to have tantrums to get what they want in a relationship. Then, I think they fail to respect their men when the men put up with that kind of behavior. Your ex has many issues she needs to work through, but probably never will. "Saving" her and her boys sounded appealing to you, but it's just not possible. I think the best way to move on with your life is to completely cut her out of it. This is best both for you and for her. Once she realizes that you're not going to put up with ANY of her crap EVER, she may start thinking about what SHE did wrong, why you won't talk to her, and only then will she possibly respect you for taking back your dignity and not allowing her to treat you like a doormat. She might be mad and act needy (don't give in), but she will respect you. Yes, it can be hard to be alone. But it's better than riding on an emotional rollercoaster, isn't it? And, think of it this way...until you completely let go of this woman emotionally, you will not be available for a normal, healthy relationship with an emotionally stable woman.
Author panzer6 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 You know Moongirl, you are absolutely right. I need to cut her out completely from my life. She doesn't seem to have much respect for my feelings and to be honest I am really sick of it. She calls me whenever she feels like it and she acts like nothing happened between us. I don't know how someone can be so un-feeling like that. I think deep down she has a huge mistrust of men but in some way she came to trust me on some level. That trust is still there and maybe she feels the need to talk to me or ask my opinion when she needs input. Maybe it makes her feel better. I just don't understand why she wants to hang onto me when she doesn't want a relationship with me. She seems a little confused with what she wants. I don't hate her but I just don't understand her and I'm tired of being depressed about it all the time. I will do my best to ignore her and worry about myself. Thanks alot for your input, you are very perceptive.
MoonGirl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Good for you! Cutting her out of your life will allow YOU to move on. :D You sound like a lovely man who deserves an emotionally stable woman.
Author panzer6 Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 Thanks again for the advice. You know it's weird but talking about this stuff seems to make me feel better. I feel ok about not seeing her anymore but I still miss her and feel bad for her. She had alot of bad luck growing up and with other men, she didn't ask to be treated badly. I feel bad for her, I really do, I wish I could make it better for her, but I can't. Only she can. I understand that now. I miss her boys too, I miss playing with them and talking to them. They really are great kids. That makes it hurt even more. I'm tired of hurting. I guess only time will heal me. Thankyou for your help!
MoonGirl Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 You're welcome! Yes, talking about problems helps a lot. Post on LS anytime. I do!
Recommended Posts