Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I was dating this guy for just over 4 months. We were good friends for about 3 years prior. Lately things have been kind of weird. i can't explain it, but things seemed off. Friday night we had a fight and he called me profusely apologizing, and I figured eventually we would be okay. Last night we were on the phone discussing all the things we feel are wrong and it seemed like it was going in a good direction. then out of nowhere he says he wants to take a break because he only loves me as a friend, he isn't in love with me, he doesn't see a future with me, but he will love me forever, He also said it felt like we were just friends with benefits. Then he adds in that he would like to think about us getting back together sometime in the future, or maybe we need to take a step back to go forward. Then the next minute he makes it sound like it's totally over, but then there was some hope for the future. and he wants to remain great friends like we always were, except we wont have the commitment or the sex. I am giving him his space, not contacting him, and I don't think I should expect much for the future, but it hurts. I feel like this came out of nowhere, because he didn't treat me like he loved me as a friend, he treated me like he was in love with me. Before we had the fight Friday he said he wanted our song to be "When a Man Loves a Woman" and then 2 days later he just loves me a friend? I don't necessarily think there is someone else, but maybe he just wants time? Space? I'm so confused and I just need some feedback.
ratingsguy Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I think your ex is being very honest and up front with you and that is to be commended. He's not sure exactly what he wants, and is probably just as confused as you are. I think his feelings for you are real, but he's being very mature in being able to remove himself from the situation and explore his own heart... taking a step back so you may take a step forward, as you described. Give him the time he needs, but treat this as if it were a break up. I say that because it's better to feel the loss now as opposed to waiting and feeling it later... no need to prolong the misery. And if he comes back in the future and you're available... well then great! But don't make it a goal. I know exactly what you're going through. My ex was recently separated, and it made her question a lot of things about her life. I don't doubt for a second the strong feelings she had for me, or the emotional bond we've created. But she needs time to explore the world as a single woman... and I cannot deny her that. She would regret it, and thus end up resenting me. So I'm giving her the space that she asked for... preparing for the worst and moving on in the meantime. If she comes back to me I'll gladly be here for her, but I can't bank on it. During this time, I would suggest going NC for a specified period of time... maybe a few months... and tell him that. It doesn't mean you don't love him... it means that you need to emotionally detach for a while. It will be tough, but in order to be fair to yourself you have to do it. I'm currently on day 16. It's tough, but I'm doing ok. You will, too. Good luck to you.
norajane Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 How old are you two? What kind of dating history does he have? Has he had serious love relationships? Does he shy away from commitment? People who have been friends for a long time before dating tend to have relationships that are more 'serious' more quickly, because there is already a foundation of friendships that creates expectations, or makes people feel pressure. It's possible he's not ready to be 'serious' with someone now. That he's thinking you'd get together in the future makes me think he sees possibilities, but he's not ready.
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I am 23 and he is 20. I know the age difference says a lot, especially since he is so young, and it was one of my main hesitations to begin dating him in the first place. We just always had so much fun together and we really clicked. I am his first serious girlfriend. He has dated before, but I am the first serious one. I had a previous 5 year relationship. I tried going into the relationship with him with no expectations, except "whatever happens will happen", then things got serious and I really fell for him and it all seemed mutual. The change in him is so recent. Perhaps I am expecting too much from someone his age, I just didn't expect things to end so abruptly.
norajane Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Yeah, I think at his age, he's probably not ready for anything serious and it freaked him out. I suspect he wants to date for a while and "sow some oats" before settling into a more committed relationship. At his age, it's hard to even know who you are much less what you want out of life.
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